I am still stuffed as a turkey on Thanksgiving. Somebody get me a stomach pump. Ouch. I had the last of my leftovers yesterday (stuffing, potatoes, cranberry, etc). I hated to finish them off. As snarfed the last bite of stuffing I couldn’t help but think of all the great memories the food and I had shared. It was as blissful a five days as I have ever had.
Cheney Examined for Irregular Heartbeat
Vice President Dick Cheney is seeking treatment for an irregular heartbeat, or what I call “skippy heart”. It causes the heart beat to skip around like a school girl on Easter Sunday. Doctors may use electrical shocks to try and get that Cheney heart back in rhythm. Oh to be the person who gets to decide just how electrical those shocks need to be. Shock that heart, baby.
Why I Don’t Trust People Who Write A Novella
I just don’t trust ‘em. Why don’t you just write a whole book? And what is with that name anyway, novella? Try “short book”.
Catch Phrases I Invented, But Never Really Took Off Nationally
--I’m not the homeless, bite me
--This isn’t KFC, get your fixin’s someplace else
--Call your mama, ‘cause camps over
--Get out of Vegas, doll
--Somebody call for a fart?
--Don’t even ask me if I tooted
Science Corner
Researchers at Klamy Falls University in Dublin, Ireland recently hypothesized that women defer to their females friends when making decisions about potential partners. In the experiment scientists showed twelve ladies pictures of hunky farmers. The women all grabbed and pulled at the photos and the whole thing was kind of a mess. In the end the scientists were not sure about much.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Takes To Street, Finds Time There Unrewarding
Monday, November 26, 2007
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Tampa Trip
Well last weekend I was in Tampa for three days. Tampa is pretty nice – if you like fun in the sun and all that kinda junk. I am kind of morbid. I prefer the bleak landscape of a Midwestern winter over the bright sunshine of central Florida. It is hard to believe I used to stay down there. They have traffic to high heavens. Every butthole from New Jersey to Michigan has squeezed theyselves onto that peninsula. It is a lot of people, thats all. People down there drive like dicks! They are all trying to get somewhere super-quick. I was a nervous-nelly the whole time. It is just too darn fast. Even in the right hand lane they want to give you trouble. That is supposed to be the lane for slowpokes. Not in Tampa, friend. My wife and I did eat at real life Cuban restaurant in the old Cuban district of the city, Ybor. I had the black beans and rice and the lady had the Cuban sandwich and deviled crabs. Pretty tasty.
I also got to go back and visit my old college campus, or “the quad” as I called it. This is where I used to rally against “the man”, play Frisbee with Chuck and Dick, steal a kiss from my best girl. As I walked the campus with my wife I remembered that none of those things actually happened. I had actually spent three years there wondering why people were pretending it wasn’t blazing hot. No thanks to Frisbee on the quad – too hot for that. I was also carrying about 60 extra pounds back then, making me a big-complainy-sweaty mess.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Hits the Ground Running
I also got to go back and visit my old college campus, or “the quad” as I called it. This is where I used to rally against “the man”, play Frisbee with Chuck and Dick, steal a kiss from my best girl. As I walked the campus with my wife I remembered that none of those things actually happened. I had actually spent three years there wondering why people were pretending it wasn’t blazing hot. No thanks to Frisbee on the quad – too hot for that. I was also carrying about 60 extra pounds back then, making me a big-complainy-sweaty mess.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Hits the Ground Running
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Dramatic Workplace Confessions
It is me who is clogging the break room drain by shoving food particles down there. I know we are not supposed to, but it takes so much effort to scrape my plate into the trash. I feel so much better. Don’t tell maintenance – they’ll cut me.
Garth Brooks Concert Rocked
Monday night was the return of the second biggest recording artist in history, Mr. Garth Brooks. I was just four rows from the stage. This was close enough to make eye contact on more than one occasion. Though my wife has never been a fan of country music – even she had to admit the concert lived up to the hype. From the moment when Brooks exploded onto the stage, to the last dramatic encore, the energy and excitement of the crowd delivered a knockout performance. The tone for the whole evening was set by Trisha Yearwood, the wife of Brooks, who opened the show with a rousing rendition of her smash song “She’s In Love with the Boy.” And who wouldn’t be. Brooks delivered hit after endless hit, delighting the crowd for over two whole hours.
The new downtown arena, the Sprint Center, also shined in just its first month of operation. The whole place has the feel of a Roman amphitheater. No blood thirsty lions here though – just the single biggest name in country music history (and me).
Off to Tampa, Suckers
See you all later. I am going down to Tampa to hang with the elderies for a few days. I know I am still forty years away from retiring to the sands of what is left of Florida – but it is never to early dream.
Here are the top ten things about Florida:
1) Bikinis
2) Bikinis
3) Bikinis
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Leaving Russian Mafia to be Stay at Home Dad
Garth Brooks Concert Rocked
Monday night was the return of the second biggest recording artist in history, Mr. Garth Brooks. I was just four rows from the stage. This was close enough to make eye contact on more than one occasion. Though my wife has never been a fan of country music – even she had to admit the concert lived up to the hype. From the moment when Brooks exploded onto the stage, to the last dramatic encore, the energy and excitement of the crowd delivered a knockout performance. The tone for the whole evening was set by Trisha Yearwood, the wife of Brooks, who opened the show with a rousing rendition of her smash song “She’s In Love with the Boy.” And who wouldn’t be. Brooks delivered hit after endless hit, delighting the crowd for over two whole hours.
The new downtown arena, the Sprint Center, also shined in just its first month of operation. The whole place has the feel of a Roman amphitheater. No blood thirsty lions here though – just the single biggest name in country music history (and me).
Off to Tampa, Suckers
See you all later. I am going down to Tampa to hang with the elderies for a few days. I know I am still forty years away from retiring to the sands of what is left of Florida – but it is never to early dream.
Here are the top ten things about Florida:
1) Bikinis
2) Bikinis
3) Bikinis
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Leaving Russian Mafia to be Stay at Home Dad
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Top Ten Excuses for Not Writing a Blog This Week
10) Too much time chatting up the oldies
9) Canker sore got the best of me
8) Dealing with ramifications of pet monkey learning stove knobs
7) Marital crisis caused by my over attentiveness
6) Cleaning up after monkey flung burned Kraft Mac & Cheese
5) Putting finishing touches on my Halloween outfit (Shakira)
4) Scrubbing them Sugar Daddy candies off my chompers
3) Cleaning out freezer after frozen pizza recall (Totino’s)
2) Searching WebMD for “bruised keister” after falling down drunk
1) Dropping my old and lazy horse off at the Old-Lazy Horsy Retirement Villa
Financial Woes
Anyone else think something is up on Wall Street? Uh, I do. I think sometimes those big honchos forget about what is going down on Main Street. What about the little people and our very small 457 contributions? I think all us average folks should pay a visit to these fat-cats in Manhattan. I say, we should all just show up unannounced. We’ll get everyone together. I’ll call Florida and New York, you take the rest. Let’s just show up. Let’s just go, man. We’ll talk about our questions on the way. Leave your Crocs shoes at home though. Those richies won’t take us seriously if we show up in Crocs.
Britney Spears Update
There isn’t one – on account of me not giving a damn. Just joshing. Hell, she’s alright.
Technology Update
This week we look at my home’s computer. It is a big tower, about 10 apples high. When it runs it roars like a baboon. I know we need to be modern and get a laptop. I want to take a shiny laptop to Starbucks and bang the keys whilst I slurps my coffee. I can’t even lift our tower, let alone take it to Starbucks and plug it in down there. They wouldn’t have the power to run it anyway. Whenever it comes time to decide to upgrade our electronics – we decide we would rather go on vacation and use the money for that.
One time the cable guy came out and was talking shit about how our TV was such a piece of old shit. I hit him over the head with a vase.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Is World’s Most Vain Ugly Person
9) Canker sore got the best of me
8) Dealing with ramifications of pet monkey learning stove knobs
7) Marital crisis caused by my over attentiveness
6) Cleaning up after monkey flung burned Kraft Mac & Cheese
5) Putting finishing touches on my Halloween outfit (Shakira)
4) Scrubbing them Sugar Daddy candies off my chompers
3) Cleaning out freezer after frozen pizza recall (Totino’s)
2) Searching WebMD for “bruised keister” after falling down drunk
1) Dropping my old and lazy horse off at the Old-Lazy Horsy Retirement Villa
Financial Woes
Anyone else think something is up on Wall Street? Uh, I do. I think sometimes those big honchos forget about what is going down on Main Street. What about the little people and our very small 457 contributions? I think all us average folks should pay a visit to these fat-cats in Manhattan. I say, we should all just show up unannounced. We’ll get everyone together. I’ll call Florida and New York, you take the rest. Let’s just show up. Let’s just go, man. We’ll talk about our questions on the way. Leave your Crocs shoes at home though. Those richies won’t take us seriously if we show up in Crocs.
Britney Spears Update
There isn’t one – on account of me not giving a damn. Just joshing. Hell, she’s alright.
Technology Update
This week we look at my home’s computer. It is a big tower, about 10 apples high. When it runs it roars like a baboon. I know we need to be modern and get a laptop. I want to take a shiny laptop to Starbucks and bang the keys whilst I slurps my coffee. I can’t even lift our tower, let alone take it to Starbucks and plug it in down there. They wouldn’t have the power to run it anyway. Whenever it comes time to decide to upgrade our electronics – we decide we would rather go on vacation and use the money for that.
One time the cable guy came out and was talking shit about how our TV was such a piece of old shit. I hit him over the head with a vase.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Is World’s Most Vain Ugly Person
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Fires Everywhere
Unless you stay in a cave – well you have probably heard that large portions of southern California (or SoCal as the really super cool people call it) have been burned and blackened like a steak at the Sizzler. Because I don’t live in San Diego I don’t know what it is like to watch my neighborhood burn to a crisp. This seems to happen there more than in, say Topeka. I did have to laugh though because I saw a caption under one couple that said “lost both of their homes”. It would be weird to lose not only one hillside mansion, but two.
Car Shopping
Since I sold Tammy the Corolla last week I have been internet shopping. I have been looking on Craigslist, waiting for that perfect automobile to pop-up. Mostly I eye sensible and midsize sedans, capable of hauling potential babies and groceries. But sometimes I do open up an ad for a sports car. I think how fun it would be to do 60mph on my street, children and old ladies diving out the way. In my dream it is a little red, two door number. I am wearing sunglasses and a devil-may-care attitude. But alas it is my fate to always drive something that is of no real threat to the neighborhood elderies.
Couch Selling
Tomorrow night I am selling the couch in our basement for a tidy sum of $350. This couch is nice, I mean real nice. But it was a little to un-firm for the asses in my family.
Question of the Week
Didn’t Princes Diana die like ten years ago? Why is this still front page news? Jesus, people forgot about JFK faster than her, and she didn’t turn back Soviet warheads headed for Cuba. Give me a break. I just saw a headline on CNN that said Diana spoke as she lay in the road dying. Well I probably would to – I would probably use some choice words about the photogs who had run my buns of the road and into a wall. My last words would have been something like “you are all such assholes, I can even believe….
Good night my sweet angels. I am a little ripe from my run and it is time to get some dinner. I hope each of you have a good weekend.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Keeps On Impersonating Mrs. Doubtfire
Car Shopping
Since I sold Tammy the Corolla last week I have been internet shopping. I have been looking on Craigslist, waiting for that perfect automobile to pop-up. Mostly I eye sensible and midsize sedans, capable of hauling potential babies and groceries. But sometimes I do open up an ad for a sports car. I think how fun it would be to do 60mph on my street, children and old ladies diving out the way. In my dream it is a little red, two door number. I am wearing sunglasses and a devil-may-care attitude. But alas it is my fate to always drive something that is of no real threat to the neighborhood elderies.
Couch Selling
Tomorrow night I am selling the couch in our basement for a tidy sum of $350. This couch is nice, I mean real nice. But it was a little to un-firm for the asses in my family.
Question of the Week
Didn’t Princes Diana die like ten years ago? Why is this still front page news? Jesus, people forgot about JFK faster than her, and she didn’t turn back Soviet warheads headed for Cuba. Give me a break. I just saw a headline on CNN that said Diana spoke as she lay in the road dying. Well I probably would to – I would probably use some choice words about the photogs who had run my buns of the road and into a wall. My last words would have been something like “you are all such assholes, I can even believe….
Good night my sweet angels. I am a little ripe from my run and it is time to get some dinner. I hope each of you have a good weekend.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Keeps On Impersonating Mrs. Doubtfire
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Global Warming Is Warming My Ass
Man, I tell you – it was hot around Kansas City yesterday. I checked my calendar, sure enough it was the middle of October. It felt more like early September to me. Al Gore needs to use that big Nobel Peace Prize to deflect the sun and cool our shit down.
I feel like I am really doing my part with this global warming thing. I won’t tell you how, but just know that I am really on top of it.
Sold My Car
My Corolla, Tammy, was sold this weekend. Her fetching price on Craigslist was $500. I must admit I was a little sentimental watching her leave our driveway for the last time. I thought about all the memories we made together. When I picked her out at Carmax I was just a junior in college (2000). I was a baby, for that matter so was Tammy. Almost instantly we survived a brutal car accident on an icy interstate in North Carolina. And it was Tammy who sputtered across the Mississippi River and onto our new life in Kansas City five years ago. She was a trooper until the end, and for that reason I saluted her as that truck towed her ass down the road and out of my life forever. Good luck Tammy, good luck to you.
World War III Talk, Stifle It
I was saddened this week when the President threatened that inaction against Iran may lead to World War III. I guess it was the way he sort of mapped out the conflict that made me a little edgy. It seems to me the quickest way to start WWIII is to speak about it like you have given it a lot of thought.
What in the World?
A second-grader in New Jersey was suspended for drawing a picture of a water pistol. His suspension has drawn outrage across the country. Okay, I am the only one outraged. We have to have a little tolerance for boys. Boys will be boys. If you don’t allow them a little bit of violence in their lives they will not be prepared when they are forced to fight in war. I guess I just think that these boys have got to be ready for the future. Forcing them to play “tea party” instead of “cops and robbers” isn’t going to do us any good. I want these boys violent and ready to go grab that oil from some shitless third world country. I say teach violence in school. Suspend them for not drawing weapons. Better yet, teach weapons. That way when they get to war they won't be sort of nervous or apprehensive.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Told By Dentist to Eat More Candy Corn
I feel like I am really doing my part with this global warming thing. I won’t tell you how, but just know that I am really on top of it.
Sold My Car
My Corolla, Tammy, was sold this weekend. Her fetching price on Craigslist was $500. I must admit I was a little sentimental watching her leave our driveway for the last time. I thought about all the memories we made together. When I picked her out at Carmax I was just a junior in college (2000). I was a baby, for that matter so was Tammy. Almost instantly we survived a brutal car accident on an icy interstate in North Carolina. And it was Tammy who sputtered across the Mississippi River and onto our new life in Kansas City five years ago. She was a trooper until the end, and for that reason I saluted her as that truck towed her ass down the road and out of my life forever. Good luck Tammy, good luck to you.
World War III Talk, Stifle It
I was saddened this week when the President threatened that inaction against Iran may lead to World War III. I guess it was the way he sort of mapped out the conflict that made me a little edgy. It seems to me the quickest way to start WWIII is to speak about it like you have given it a lot of thought.
What in the World?
A second-grader in New Jersey was suspended for drawing a picture of a water pistol. His suspension has drawn outrage across the country. Okay, I am the only one outraged. We have to have a little tolerance for boys. Boys will be boys. If you don’t allow them a little bit of violence in their lives they will not be prepared when they are forced to fight in war. I guess I just think that these boys have got to be ready for the future. Forcing them to play “tea party” instead of “cops and robbers” isn’t going to do us any good. I want these boys violent and ready to go grab that oil from some shitless third world country. I say teach violence in school. Suspend them for not drawing weapons. Better yet, teach weapons. That way when they get to war they won't be sort of nervous or apprehensive.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Told By Dentist to Eat More Candy Corn
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Quote of the Week
“I want my money.”
….as said to me by a four foot Boy Scout looking to collect $15 in back popcorn debt. A few weeks ago, in a moment of not thinking I agreed to buy a tin of Butter Lover’s from this kid. Unable to pay him with cash (I didn’t have any) and unable to pay him with a checkbook (I couldn’t find it) I told him I would order the popcorn, but he’d have to come back for his money. So last night I open the door and I am greeted with “I want my money”. I thought the rascal was going to club my knees. He was like the Boy Scout Mafia. I paid the kid, couple more weeks ‘til I get my popcorn though.
Andy Rooney Disappoints Me
Anyone watch Andy Rooney lately? This guy just isn’t relevant anymore. On Sunday he spent two minutes telling us that everyone has a favorite season (his is fall). Well everyone’s is fall. He said he doesn’t call it autumn because that is pretentious. Then he complained for one minute that it has been too hot in New York this fall. It has been too hot everywhere. This guy is a dip. If I had America’s attention for three minutes a week you can be sure I would spice it up a little more than that. It is time for Andy to step down and let me do it. My first commentary would be about how lame Andy got and how it was me that was responsible for getting him shit-canned.
Where Have You Been All My Life
I am new to cable. It has been a few years since I last had this service. I wanted it this year to watch some Monday Night Football games. But I have been happy to find out about all the other quality programming available to me. The cable was hooked up in August and since then some interesting trends have arisen:
1) Number of books checked out from the library: 0
2) Number of newspapers read: 0
3) Number of times I’ve watched E’s Girls Next Door program: 50+
4) Overall happiness level: Up an astonishing 77%
I Got Wheels
Well I still don’t have a car – but with my lady is in Chicago on business all week, so I got one right now. This morning I got to get up late, sit in traffic, and nearly kill myself playing with the radio whilst making an ill-advised lane change. I had forgotten how sweet it is to drive one’s self to work. I felt so alive (except when I almost died).
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Is First One Called In a Crisis
….as said to me by a four foot Boy Scout looking to collect $15 in back popcorn debt. A few weeks ago, in a moment of not thinking I agreed to buy a tin of Butter Lover’s from this kid. Unable to pay him with cash (I didn’t have any) and unable to pay him with a checkbook (I couldn’t find it) I told him I would order the popcorn, but he’d have to come back for his money. So last night I open the door and I am greeted with “I want my money”. I thought the rascal was going to club my knees. He was like the Boy Scout Mafia. I paid the kid, couple more weeks ‘til I get my popcorn though.
Andy Rooney Disappoints Me
Anyone watch Andy Rooney lately? This guy just isn’t relevant anymore. On Sunday he spent two minutes telling us that everyone has a favorite season (his is fall). Well everyone’s is fall. He said he doesn’t call it autumn because that is pretentious. Then he complained for one minute that it has been too hot in New York this fall. It has been too hot everywhere. This guy is a dip. If I had America’s attention for three minutes a week you can be sure I would spice it up a little more than that. It is time for Andy to step down and let me do it. My first commentary would be about how lame Andy got and how it was me that was responsible for getting him shit-canned.
Where Have You Been All My Life
I am new to cable. It has been a few years since I last had this service. I wanted it this year to watch some Monday Night Football games. But I have been happy to find out about all the other quality programming available to me. The cable was hooked up in August and since then some interesting trends have arisen:
1) Number of books checked out from the library: 0
2) Number of newspapers read: 0
3) Number of times I’ve watched E’s Girls Next Door program: 50+
4) Overall happiness level: Up an astonishing 77%
I Got Wheels
Well I still don’t have a car – but with my lady is in Chicago on business all week, so I got one right now. This morning I got to get up late, sit in traffic, and nearly kill myself playing with the radio whilst making an ill-advised lane change. I had forgotten how sweet it is to drive one’s self to work. I felt so alive (except when I almost died).
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Is First One Called In a Crisis
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