Still Bloated From Thanksgiving?

I am still stuffed as a turkey on Thanksgiving. Somebody get me a stomach pump. Ouch. I had the last of my leftovers yesterday (stuffing, potatoes, cranberry, etc). I hated to finish them off. As snarfed the last bite of stuffing I couldn’t help but think of all the great memories the food and I had shared. It was as blissful a five days as I have ever had.

Cheney Examined for Irregular Heartbeat

Vice President Dick Cheney is seeking treatment for an irregular heartbeat, or what I call “skippy heart”. It causes the heart beat to skip around like a school girl on Easter Sunday. Doctors may use electrical shocks to try and get that Cheney heart back in rhythm. Oh to be the person who gets to decide just how electrical those shocks need to be. Shock that heart, baby.

Why I Don’t Trust People Who Write A Novella

I just don’t trust ‘em. Why don’t you just write a whole book? And what is with that name anyway, novella? Try “short book”.

Catch Phrases I Invented, But Never Really Took Off Nationally

--I’m not the homeless, bite me
--This isn’t KFC, get your fixin’s someplace else
--Call your mama, ‘cause camps over
--Get out of Vegas, doll
--Somebody call for a fart?
--Don’t even ask me if I tooted

Science Corner

Researchers at Klamy Falls University in Dublin, Ireland recently hypothesized that women defer to their females friends when making decisions about potential partners. In the experiment scientists showed twelve ladies pictures of hunky farmers. The women all grabbed and pulled at the photos and the whole thing was kind of a mess. In the end the scientists were not sure about much.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Takes To Street, Finds Time There Unrewarding

Tampa Trip

Well last weekend I was in Tampa for three days. Tampa is pretty nice – if you like fun in the sun and all that kinda junk. I am kind of morbid. I prefer the bleak landscape of a Midwestern winter over the bright sunshine of central Florida. It is hard to believe I used to stay down there. They have traffic to high heavens. Every butthole from New Jersey to Michigan has squeezed theyselves onto that peninsula. It is a lot of people, thats all. People down there drive like dicks! They are all trying to get somewhere super-quick. I was a nervous-nelly the whole time. It is just too darn fast. Even in the right hand lane they want to give you trouble. That is supposed to be the lane for slowpokes. Not in Tampa, friend. My wife and I did eat at real life Cuban restaurant in the old Cuban district of the city, Ybor. I had the black beans and rice and the lady had the Cuban sandwich and deviled crabs. Pretty tasty.

I also got to go back and visit my old college campus, or “the quad” as I called it. This is where I used to rally against “the man”, play Frisbee with Chuck and Dick, steal a kiss from my best girl. As I walked the campus with my wife I remembered that none of those things actually happened. I had actually spent three years there wondering why people were pretending it wasn’t blazing hot. No thanks to Frisbee on the quad – too hot for that. I was also carrying about 60 extra pounds back then, making me a big-complainy-sweaty mess.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Hits the Ground Running

Dramatic Workplace Confessions

It is me who is clogging the break room drain by shoving food particles down there. I know we are not supposed to, but it takes so much effort to scrape my plate into the trash. I feel so much better. Don’t tell maintenance – they’ll cut me.

Garth Brooks Concert Rocked
Monday night was the return of the second biggest recording artist in history, Mr. Garth Brooks. I was just four rows from the stage. This was close enough to make eye contact on more than one occasion. Though my wife has never been a fan of country music – even she had to admit the concert lived up to the hype. From the moment when Brooks exploded onto the stage, to the last dramatic encore, the energy and excitement of the crowd delivered a knockout performance. The tone for the whole evening was set by Trisha Yearwood, the wife of Brooks, who opened the show with a rousing rendition of her smash song “She’s In Love with the Boy.” And who wouldn’t be. Brooks delivered hit after endless hit, delighting the crowd for over two whole hours.

The new downtown arena, the Sprint Center, also shined in just its first month of operation. The whole place has the feel of a Roman amphitheater. No blood thirsty lions here though – just the single biggest name in country music history (and me).

Off to Tampa, Suckers
See you all later. I am going down to Tampa to hang with the elderies for a few days. I know I am still forty years away from retiring to the sands of what is left of Florida – but it is never to early dream.

Here are the top ten things about Florida:
1) Bikinis
2) Bikinis
3) Bikinis

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Leaving Russian Mafia to be Stay at Home Dad

Top Ten Excuses for Not Writing a Blog This Week

10) Too much time chatting up the oldies
9) Canker sore got the best of me
8) Dealing with ramifications of pet monkey learning stove knobs
7) Marital crisis caused by my over attentiveness
6) Cleaning up after monkey flung burned Kraft Mac & Cheese
5) Putting finishing touches on my Halloween outfit (Shakira)
4) Scrubbing them Sugar Daddy candies off my chompers
3) Cleaning out freezer after frozen pizza recall (Totino’s)
2) Searching WebMD for “bruised keister” after falling down drunk
1) Dropping my old and lazy horse off at the Old-Lazy Horsy Retirement Villa

Financial Woes

Anyone else think something is up on Wall Street? Uh, I do. I think sometimes those big honchos forget about what is going down on Main Street. What about the little people and our very small 457 contributions? I think all us average folks should pay a visit to these fat-cats in Manhattan. I say, we should all just show up unannounced. We’ll get everyone together. I’ll call Florida and New York, you take the rest. Let’s just show up. Let’s just go, man. We’ll talk about our questions on the way. Leave your Crocs shoes at home though. Those richies won’t take us seriously if we show up in Crocs.

Britney Spears Update

There isn’t one – on account of me not giving a damn. Just joshing. Hell, she’s alright.

Technology Update

This week we look at my home’s computer. It is a big tower, about 10 apples high. When it runs it roars like a baboon. I know we need to be modern and get a laptop. I want to take a shiny laptop to Starbucks and bang the keys whilst I slurps my coffee. I can’t even lift our tower, let alone take it to Starbucks and plug it in down there. They wouldn’t have the power to run it anyway. Whenever it comes time to decide to upgrade our electronics – we decide we would rather go on vacation and use the money for that.

One time the cable guy came out and was talking shit about how our TV was such a piece of old shit. I hit him over the head with a vase.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Is World’s Most Vain Ugly Person

Fires Everywhere

Unless you stay in a cave – well you have probably heard that large portions of southern California (or SoCal as the really super cool people call it) have been burned and blackened like a steak at the Sizzler. Because I don’t live in San Diego I don’t know what it is like to watch my neighborhood burn to a crisp. This seems to happen there more than in, say Topeka. I did have to laugh though because I saw a caption under one couple that said “lost both of their homes”. It would be weird to lose not only one hillside mansion, but two.

Car Shopping

Since I sold Tammy the Corolla last week I have been internet shopping. I have been looking on Craigslist, waiting for that perfect automobile to pop-up. Mostly I eye sensible and midsize sedans, capable of hauling potential babies and groceries. But sometimes I do open up an ad for a sports car. I think how fun it would be to do 60mph on my street, children and old ladies diving out the way. In my dream it is a little red, two door number. I am wearing sunglasses and a devil-may-care attitude. But alas it is my fate to always drive something that is of no real threat to the neighborhood elderies.

Couch Selling

Tomorrow night I am selling the couch in our basement for a tidy sum of $350. This couch is nice, I mean real nice. But it was a little to un-firm for the asses in my family.

Question of the Week

Didn’t Princes Diana die like ten years ago? Why is this still front page news? Jesus, people forgot about JFK faster than her, and she didn’t turn back Soviet warheads headed for Cuba. Give me a break. I just saw a headline on CNN that said Diana spoke as she lay in the road dying. Well I probably would to – I would probably use some choice words about the photogs who had run my buns of the road and into a wall. My last words would have been something like “you are all such assholes, I can even believe….

Good night my sweet angels. I am a little ripe from my run and it is time to get some dinner. I hope each of you have a good weekend.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Keeps On Impersonating Mrs. Doubtfire

Global Warming Is Warming My Ass

Man, I tell you – it was hot around Kansas City yesterday. I checked my calendar, sure enough it was the middle of October. It felt more like early September to me. Al Gore needs to use that big Nobel Peace Prize to deflect the sun and cool our shit down.

I feel like I am really doing my part with this global warming thing. I won’t tell you how, but just know that I am really on top of it.

Sold My Car

My Corolla, Tammy, was sold this weekend. Her fetching price on Craigslist was $500. I must admit I was a little sentimental watching her leave our driveway for the last time. I thought about all the memories we made together. When I picked her out at Carmax I was just a junior in college (2000). I was a baby, for that matter so was Tammy. Almost instantly we survived a brutal car accident on an icy interstate in North Carolina. And it was Tammy who sputtered across the Mississippi River and onto our new life in Kansas City five years ago. She was a trooper until the end, and for that reason I saluted her as that truck towed her ass down the road and out of my life forever. Good luck Tammy, good luck to you.

World War III Talk, Stifle It

I was saddened this week when the President threatened that inaction against Iran may lead to World War III. I guess it was the way he sort of mapped out the conflict that made me a little edgy. It seems to me the quickest way to start WWIII is to speak about it like you have given it a lot of thought.

What in the World?

A second-grader in New Jersey was suspended for drawing a picture of a water pistol. His suspension has drawn outrage across the country. Okay, I am the only one outraged. We have to have a little tolerance for boys. Boys will be boys. If you don’t allow them a little bit of violence in their lives they will not be prepared when they are forced to fight in war. I guess I just think that these boys have got to be ready for the future. Forcing them to play “tea party” instead of “cops and robbers” isn’t going to do us any good. I want these boys violent and ready to go grab that oil from some shitless third world country. I say teach violence in school. Suspend them for not drawing weapons. Better yet, teach weapons. That way when they get to war they won't be sort of nervous or apprehensive.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Told By Dentist to Eat More Candy Corn

Quote of the Week

“I want my money.”

….as said to me by a four foot Boy Scout looking to collect $15 in back popcorn debt. A few weeks ago, in a moment of not thinking I agreed to buy a tin of Butter Lover’s from this kid. Unable to pay him with cash (I didn’t have any) and unable to pay him with a checkbook (I couldn’t find it) I told him I would order the popcorn, but he’d have to come back for his money. So last night I open the door and I am greeted with “I want my money”. I thought the rascal was going to club my knees. He was like the Boy Scout Mafia. I paid the kid, couple more weeks ‘til I get my popcorn though.

Andy Rooney Disappoints Me

Anyone watch Andy Rooney lately? This guy just isn’t relevant anymore. On Sunday he spent two minutes telling us that everyone has a favorite season (his is fall). Well everyone’s is fall. He said he doesn’t call it autumn because that is pretentious. Then he complained for one minute that it has been too hot in New York this fall. It has been too hot everywhere. This guy is a dip. If I had America’s attention for three minutes a week you can be sure I would spice it up a little more than that. It is time for Andy to step down and let me do it. My first commentary would be about how lame Andy got and how it was me that was responsible for getting him shit-canned.

Where Have You Been All My Life

I am new to cable. It has been a few years since I last had this service. I wanted it this year to watch some Monday Night Football games. But I have been happy to find out about all the other quality programming available to me. The cable was hooked up in August and since then some interesting trends have arisen:

1) Number of books checked out from the library: 0
2) Number of newspapers read: 0
3) Number of times I’ve watched E’s Girls Next Door program: 50+
4) Overall happiness level: Up an astonishing 77%

I Got Wheels

Well I still don’t have a car – but with my lady is in Chicago on business all week, so I got one right now. This morning I got to get up late, sit in traffic, and nearly kill myself playing with the radio whilst making an ill-advised lane change. I had forgotten how sweet it is to drive one’s self to work. I felt so alive (except when I almost died).

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Is First One Called In a Crisis

Hero of the Week

This week we honor the mayor of Atlantic City, New Jersey. Mayor Bob Levy has gone into hiding, while the scandal that swirls around him deepens and swirls some more. He has not been seen in Atlantic City since September 26th. Levy is under investigation for lying about his role in Vietnam. He said he was a “hero” of some kind in Vietnam, but the Army believes he was just kind of loafing around over there. He is also facing corruption charges.

This guy Levy is a coward, and we at DFF love him for it. Good sir, you stay in hiding. Cling to your believe that hiding and ignoring your problems is the quickest way to solve them. For being our Hero of the Week, Mayor Levy will be receiving both a signed picture of me looking on helplessly while an old lady gets her Social Security check stolen, and a pack of nudy cards our last accountant left in her office. Congratulations Mayor Levy, you are this week’s Hero of the Week.

Movie Review

This week in the DFF Film Room we review “Into the Wild”. The film may or may not be in a theatre near you. It was in a theatre near me, so I saw it. So the movie tells the story about this young guy who just gets mad at everything. I mean he is mad at his parents, society, and his parents some more. But he doesn’t turn to drugs, booze or sexiness. He decides to just walk into the wild. I won’t tell you where he goes, what happens, or how much he suffers. Just know that this is a good movie. The movie makes you feel hopeful about the ability of nature to devour those foolish enough to make a production of testing it.

Garth Brooks Tickets

So I got in a real virtual shoving match trying to get some Garth Brooks tickets for early November (his first show in a decade!!!) at the new KC Sprint Center. You know Ticketmaster is a fickle mistress. I’m not going to tell you the outcome of this endeavor. I don’t want any of you breaking into my house looking for some tickets that I probably don’t even have. Just check back on November 9th and I will let you know if the thunder did or did not roll.

Olive Garden Makes a Delicious New Neighbor

In a never ending quest to fit nearly every single chain restaurant in a one mile area – my town has signed an agreement with the Olive Garden Corporation. Come next month I will be just one quarter of a mile from endless bowls of the most mediocre soup, pasta and breadsticks available in a suburb near you. This is great news, right? So why do I feel so hollow.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Fights City Hall, Knocks Block off Alderman Cox

Technical Difficulties

So the technical difficulty is that I wrote this blog at lunch – and forgot to email it to myself. Check back Wednesday evening for the latest update on all the lame stuff I’m doing.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Faces Demons, Demons Look Like Sean Penn

Women Attacked By Own Pitbulls

A lady in Jacksonville, Florida was killed this morning when her two Pitbulls, Flossy and Bubbles, just went crazy on her. They actually attacked her son as well. The son had gone outside to try and pull the dogs off his mother. The third son, smart enough to stay out of the yard, called 9-1-1 and reported the problem. DFF tried to reach the Flossy and Bubbles for comment – but they had already been shot dead by the cops.

The incident highlights the danger of owning what veterinarians call a “bad dog”. Our staff veterinarian Dr. Roberta Shirttails (kept on retainer for our office cat Barbara) sat down with us to talk about the increase in pitbull attacks. Dr. Roberta informed us that pitbull attacks have been inching up steadily for decades. The dogs are now increasingly turning their anger outward, toward an unsuspecting and largely fat and immobile public. As Americans have continued to pack on the pounds, pitbulls have been increasingly successful at catching and devouring them.

Pitbull owners also face significant challenges, caused mainly by a startling lack of intelligence. Owners of pitbulls foolishly believe their pitbull(s) to be “little sweethearts” or “adorable bitches”. This can lull the pitbull owner into a false sense of security. This is a little bit like sleeping with a bag of trash, eventually you wrinkle your nose at the smell. Pitbull attacks on their owners are not only physically damaging, but also emotionally damaging. The owner can feel betrayed that a dog they bought to attack a neighbor or kill their mother has in fact shredded their own limbs. The period of emotional recovery is often a much longer road then the accompanying reconstructive surgery.

Those raising both pitbulls and children face an even greater risk. Many children are tiny, leaving them eye-to-eye with the family pitbull(s). The low self-esteem of the animals is often challenged by the direct eye contact with the child. Dr. Roberta reported that pitbulls view eye contact as a sign that the child “has decided it wants its ass chewed”. Children are often not very bright, and always pokey. This leaves them vulnerable in those first few seconds when a pitbull or group of pitbulls has deiced to “rip them a new one”.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Will Consider Interesting Trades

This Is My Lunchroom Now!

Today I had a fantasy which made me LOL (as all the cool people say). Get your mind out of the gutter – this is a family style blog. As I heated up my leftovers in the company microwave I thought to myself what the ramifications might be if I decided to start dominating the lunchroom, start really throwing my weight around in there. You know, became a lunchroom bully. My plan would include:

1) Eating the lunches of others directly in front of them (i.e., stealing food and then acting like they are crazy for suggesting I both took it and am eating it right in front of them)
2) Going to the microwave, finding it occupied – and then just taking out whatever is in there and throwing it on the floor
3) Placing name cards on all six tables – the names would be those of long dead rock legends. If anyone tried to sit there I would say “excuse me, are you Jimi Hendrix, yeah I didn’t think so”
4) Insulting people’s reading material – “another Harlequin romance novel Phyllis, god you are an idiot”

That is as far as I got with that.

Heart Goes Bang, Box Goes Bang
So I am riding my bus yesterday morning and listening to some tunes on the new Rhapsody MP3 player, can’t plug that thing enough. Well all of the sudden I see this old feller slide nearly out of his seat. Well then all hell broke loose. Everyone starts screaming “call 9-1-1, this guy might be dying”. So the bus driver whips the bus off the interstate and into the emergency lane. Now the bus driver is yelling at all of us not to panic because everyone is about to have a shit fit. Well I am about three feet away from a very sick man. How could anyone remain calm? If ever I needed one of those TV slaps to the face, well it was right then (I also would have liked to slap someone). So lucky for us we had a nurse on board. She starts taking charge; she is demanding bottled water so she can get the heart attack guy cooled down (he was very sweaty). The guy is completely out of it. The nurse is yelling at him to “stay with us”. So he does, long enough for the ambulance to arrive and escort him from the bus. I have never seen anyone on the bus almost die before, so I was pretty shaken up. I was only ten minutes late to work though.

Yesterday was also pretty cool because an electrical box across the hall from my office exploded. It was the loudest indoor noise I have ever heard. It was like having a car backfire in a backpack you were carrying, if the car were tiny and capable of producing a backfire. Whatever, it was loud. I was clacking away at my computer and I just about hit the drop ceiling. So as soon as the explosion occurred the power went off. I am a doomsday person, so I just assumed the nation’s power grid had been attacked. Boy was I relieved to learn that the problem was isolated to only one small room with 6 cubicles in it. That was a close one.
By the time I got home yesterday I just wanted to crawl under a blanket and hide. I survived a couple of real tragedies. For that I should be applauded.

What’s Up with the Weather?
Frequently here at DFF we site the weather as the main cause of our frequent fits of depression. My wife thinks it is a little silly that the weather has such an impact on me. I actually believe myself to be more closely in tuned to these things then the average person. In my last life I may have been a farmer. I can just picture myself standing proudly in a field of corn, licked finger stuck in the air to detect precipitation, wife standing proudly on our front porch echoing that the mashed potatoes are getting cold. Oh yes, it has been unseasonably warm, actually kind of hot for September and October. The pessimist in me thinks this is global warming coming home to roost. The optimist in me thinks the pessimist in me is acting like kind of boner. Currently the pessimist has the optimist in an all out chokehold, pinned to the ground and begging for sweet mercy.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Gets Egg on Face at Annual Eggs Convention

Doodle for Review

That picture on the right is a doodle from my drawing class Monday night. I got a request to take a picture of my work and post it. God, I can't beleive I am saying this - DFF is an artist. I think my pencil marks show a lot of passion and also a complete lack of ability to draw the person who sat for this here "self-portrait". I will keep my day job.

Quote of the Week II

“American just suck the fun right out of everything, they just ruin everything joyful”

I heard this comment today on NPR by a lady that called in to protest that her poodle is not allowed in her neighborhood grocery store. The topic was the places that a dog should or should not be allowed to go. A lot of folks want to move to the European style of dog ownership. These means pooches in cafes, grocery stores and all up in your Gap. Makes me think of some dudes rottweiler biting my ankle while I try on khakis. But I think the more important part of that quote is the interesting question it raises about our sense of fun in this country. Why do we suck the joy out of everything? I think it is true, but I don’t know the answer as to why. I guess maybe it resides somewhere deep in our puritan ethos, meaning we can’t stand to see other people having a good time because we are so goddamn miserable ourselves. Uh that does make sense. Makes me a little patriotic.

Drop In Home Prices

So the sub-prime mortgage bubble has just burst all over our fat American faces. I have been eerily silent on the mortgage meltdown crisis. Many of you have asked the Fryer how his own home has been holding up during this difficult period in our country’s real estate market. Has it lost value you ponder? Well the Fryer is proud to report that him and his lady bought their 3 bedroom split level at the very tippy-top of the market. Needless to say they will be staying in this home for a very, very, very long time.

Technology Weekly

New feature here at DFF – taking a look at outdated technology in my house. This week we take a look at how my family records its favorite television programs while they are out doing stuff. I’ll goddamn tell you how we do it. We use a flipping VCR. Have you tried to buy video tapes lately? I had to ask the salesperson at Sears if they had any tapes for my VCR. He looked at me like I had crab claws for hands and donkey ass in place of my real ass.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Cancels Cruise To Myanmar

Most Improved Doodler

Um, not a lot of time. I just got home from drawing class. It is quite late and I am quite proud of myself. Even though it has only been three classes, it is not to early to declare myself “most improved” in the class. We have this tradition in the class where after we draw something we go around take a look at what everyone else did. So tonight we had to draw our own shoe. You should have seen just how shitty some people drew their shoes. It was a real crapfest. In the interest of being interestingly honest – I had to draw a jug tonight and it was horrendous. It looked kind of like the great state of Florida. To be fair, it was late and my ass hurt from sitting on a drawing stool for three hours.

Update on My New Rhapsody MP3 Player

…it is still awesome.

George Bush Doesn’t Know Stuff

I got a little mad today when I heard Bush refer to Myanmar as “Burma”. Burma is so twentieth century. Everyone knows they totally changed their name. Why do his advisors continually let him not know stuff? It makes us all seem stupid when our leader can’t keep up with country name changes. Just knowing the names of all the countries should be the bare minimum for being President.

Quote of the Week

"Is it not high time for these powers to return from the path of arrogance and obedience to Satan to the path of faith in God?"

That was Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad speaking to the United Nations on Tuesday. I understand wanting to be taken seriously. That is fine. No one is saying Iran is not a really scary country. It is. In that way Ahmadinejad is already a very successful leader. Just a word of caution though, Mr. Ahmadinejad. You need to start reeling in your use of the term “Satan” in your speeches. Now I understand that referring to your enemies as somehow related to “Satan” has a certain ring to it. I myself have done it – hell, we all have. But I would just hold back a little, especially when speaking to the United Nations. They don’t want to hear your thoughts on Satan, and who is doing what for Satan. It makes you seem crazy. No one is saying you can’t talk about Satan – just know the appropriate time and place.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Reaches New Low at Limbo Contest

Airline Passengers Get What They Deserve?

The U.S. House of Representatives approved “landmark” legislation on Thursday, passing a bill that will provide protections for passengers stranded on long flight delays, locked in airplanes, etc. It would give them a little food, a little water, and some other goodies too. The plan is intended to make sure that all these crumby airline passengers get some legal protections when they are delayed. I’m going to level with you here. Yours truly has worked for the airlines, two of them in fact. The worst part of working for the airlines was, you guessed it, the passengers. The six weeks I spent behind the ticket counter for Untied Airlines were the worst of my life, and I have had some shitty weeks (recovery from a shattered femur, the week my sixth grade bully kept threatening to kill me for some reason, etc, etc, etc). The basic fact of the matter is that airline passengers don’t deserve rights. They are horrible. They don’t even deserve seats. If I were in Congress I would filibuster this bill, and I would stand up at that podium and talk about how shitty airline passengers are, how they are the assholes of the universe. I would talk about how old, useless and stupid they are. Uh, the worst airline passenger is the business traveler. What a bunch of pompous $%^’s those guys are.

Me In Drawing Class

I am taking one of the communivesity drawing classes every Monday night. Last time we drew little houses and cartoon frogs. I love it. I am a budding artist. There is a real ugly 60+ year-old woman in my class who looks just like me. It is uncanny. Just imagine me as a whinny, post-menopausal woman of heavyset proportions (is it really that much of a stretch?).

Federal Reserve

I heard an interview on NPR the other day with former Chairman of the Federal Reserve Alan Greenspan. I found him fascinating, if not a little defensive. He is catching a little shit these days for the meltdown in the housing industry. This is a little ridiculous. The last time I checked (never) the Chairman’s job isn’t to help Tina and Dudley decide if they should or shouldn’t lock in a low introductory teaser rate on a doublewide, which oh-by-the-way resets to a 25% interest rate after one year. Do you really want the Chairman of the Federal Reserve standing over those two, shaking his head as they doom themselves to a life of financial ruin? Well do you? Let’s lay off Greenspan for a minute.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Gets Gift of Gab, Little Else

Tuna People

You people who are bringing tuna for your lunch, correction, you people who are assembling tuna sandwiches at lunch, listen up. It stinks, it stinks bad. You need to figure out a way to build that tuna sandwich before you get to work. By popping the top on a can of Chunky Light you are subjecting all of us to your disgustingness. You leave a little stank tuna cloud in the lunchroom, which WILL NOT dissipate (despite my arm waving and complaining). You need to go to your car or the restroom to put your nasty-ass tuna sandwich together. You go outside with the smokers and spread that tuna there. You horrify me. Why does it have to be tuna anyway? What is wrong with turkey or bologna? Bologna got a bad rap, it’s good. Why not buy a pack of chicken breasts, sauté them bitches and bring that to work? Just lay off the $%& tuna. You stink, literally and figuratively.

Football

Well I have just completed week 2 of the NFL season. So far I have watched 1,853 commercials, most of which involve beer swigging average Joe’s and fun-lovin ladies. I saw so many commercials while watching the Chiefs-Bears game that I had to find a back-up television program to watch during the commercials (Mama’s Family re-runs). I got all these ad images in my head. According to the NFL I should be finding out what my stock broker is doing for me, and getting a babe to sprawl across the hood of my Hummer. How about if I just call the Savings and Loan and find out the balance on my money market? I’ll also see if I can get my wife to just kind of lean on my non-running Toyota Corolla. I don’t think that is what the NFL has in mind.

New Fast-food Restaurant

In this day and age it can be difficult to find a new fast food restaurant to get excited about. So much of our attention is focused on our Burger King, McDonald’s, and Wendy’s. Guess what my wife and I found last night by complete accident? I will give you a minute…the first Chick-fil-A in Kansas City. Chick-fil-A is an east coast based fast food restaurant that yours truly grew up eating (yes I was of the husky size). I spotted it and before my wife even knew what was happening I had whupped the car right off the road and into the drive-thru. We got some fries and they were delicious. We fought over them like hungry dawgs. I think it just opened – it was pretty new and very crowded. It is in the parking lot at that mall where all them people got shot at the Target last April. Everything in Kansas City can be found by simply referencing the most horrific crime that took place nearby. Looking for the art museum, it is right near where that family of circus clowns got hacked up last Christmas. Want to know where the baseball stadium is, try right across from where that guy put that kindergarten class in the wood chipper two years ago. It’s a hell of a town! We got a lot murderin’ – but now also a Chick-fil-A.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Has Whale of a Time at Annual Whale Fest

Lack of Attention Span Crippling

I never thought being an adult would require so much of my attention. Everything is so critical, you’ve really got to pay attention to a lot of different stuff. Examples include (but are not limited to): paying attention to your job, family, house, car, finances. All of those categories have sub-layers of things to pay attention to. For example: house – pay attention to roof, termites, prowlers, shrubs, smoke detectors, etc. Let’s take family as another example: family – pay attention to accusations, feuds, buying gifts, taking gifts back, alienating, forgiveness, etc. If you did this exercise for all of the things in life there are to worry about, well you would have at least 100 million things to pay attention to. I’m just surprised about all the attention, that’s all.

On the Homefront (cue the patriotic fervor music)

The DFF site has launched a new feature on the War on/in/with Iraq. We want to take a look at how the war is impacting those Americans who are wholly uninterested in the conflict. This is a segment of the population that is underserved by the mainstream media, who are a bunch of White House ass-kissers by the way (insert kissy-kiss noise). So we asked me how I feel about the war – nearly five years into this puppy.

Me: How do you feel about the war nearly five years into this puppy?
Me again: Well as you know I didn’t support this war from the beginning. After it started to go badly I lost complete interest.
Me: Well would you be interested in another war?
Me again: In general I think Venezuela has a lot of 'tude these days. Their leader Hugo Chavez is a real mess.
Me: So you want to attack Venezuela?
Me again: Oh heavens no! I believe in passivism. Military aggression never fixed anything.
Me: You are insufferable.
Me again: You too mister.

Airline Dress Code

Two stories have appeared in the headlines recently about ladies getting on airplanes wearing scant nothing. These women flaunt what they got, and want the flying public to understand just what it is they got, and what they are bringing onboard. As a country it might be wise to ask ourselves where this is coming from. What has happened to our decency? Fifty year ago just showing a little ankle would have got you branded a flirt. Why do these ladies feel 116 other passengers need a full-blown peep show on a 45 minute flight from Hooverville to Lake Winnytonky? I think it is because we are a culture that subscribes to what I call “sexy mindedness”. We think we are all a bunch of sexy people – just doing something sexy every minute. Sexy, sexy, sexy. Well people, not everything requires sexiness. Flying ain’t sexy. Put on a shirt, pants, knee length skirt, some shoes, hosiery, classy earrings, a face of sensible makeup, etc. You don’t got to be looking all sexed-up sitting between two fat people in a cramped jet. Just don’t be sexy for one minute. Once you hit the ground you can rip open your shirt, grab the Daisy Duke’s out of your handbag and hit the discothèque or beach party. It is too much to ask that little Johnny or an even littler Suzy shouldn’t have to ask their parental figure why that person across the aisle sipping a ginger ale is nearly butt naked. Get some class America, get some class.

Kansas City Man Puts Days of Chubby-Chasing Behind Him

2007 Football Season Already A Bust

Well the 2007 football season kicked off on Sunday. As usual both of the teams I cheer for are already out of the playoffs. Two teams – no touchdowns. Way to go Tampa Bay Buccaneers and Kansas City Chiefs. Thanks for nothing. It is mathematically impossible that I could root for two teams that never score touchdowns. I was born under a bad sign.

Funny Thing I Saw Last Week

….a high-level director in my organization air-punching to the tune of “Baby Got Back” by Sir Mixalot while working out w/a personal trainer in my company gym last week.

9/11 Anniversary

Tuesday marks the 6th anniversary of the terror attacks in NY, D.C., and Pennsylvania. Our politicians have twisted the day for political gain, launched a war over it, reshaped, repackaged and used it against us. Where is Lee Greenwood when you need his ass? And I'm proud to be an...

Weekend Wrap-Up

1) Watched the Chiefs got ripped by the normally shitless and hopeless Houston Texans
2) Fought with a huge and possibly poisonous spider. The spider had built a huge nest outside our bedroom window. The wife got pretty upset on account of it looking in at us. So I flung him with a broom – while my wife looked on adorningly.
3) I got a new MP3 player. May I recommend the Rhapsody music player? Very affordable, even for a poor SOB like myself. The music service is subscription based and very easy to use. I am not good with technology – so I was surprised to find out I didn’t have to be. Just get it.

Shame On Larry Craig

Embattled Idaho Senator Larry Craig is planning to withdraw his guilty plea, stemming from his arrest in a Minneapolis airport. The misunderstanding is that Craig is a bathroom stall ankle-grabber. Nothing confusing about that. Craig simply looks for cheap thrills by reaching under bathroom stalls and grabbing hairy, manly ankles. I am not sure of all the legal terms or how Craig is going to get his guilty plea reversed. All I know is that I am not giving him anymore time on the Deep Fat Fryer site. As far a I am concerned Craig is just another Republican who gets his jollies by grabbing ankles in airport bathrooms.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Outlasts Wife at All-You-Can-Eat Buffet

Holiday Weekend Over, Life of Car As Well

The big news around my house this weekend was the long feared death of my beloved, Tammy. Tammy is my 1993 Toyota Corolla. On my way out of the driveway on Friday morning the car made one final gurgle, and then croaked as I acted quickly to stop us from rolling into the street and plowing into a group of helpless school children. I had her ass towed to the auto repair place. The verdict was that the car needed about $500 worth of work. This was just to return it to the shitty state it was in before it wouldn’t run. It was to steep a price to pay. I feel a little like I did when I put my cat to sleep several years ago (or what it might be like to yank the plug on an elderly). I am kind of relieved, but I also feel I should have done more. Either way, Tammy is moving on to that big junkyard in the sky.

It has been a good ride for me and Tammy. That is not entirely true. It has been quite bumpy actually. Along with a lack of shocks, the car was also a constant reminder that I got utterly bamboozled when I purchased it six years ago. The good folks at Karmax (named changed to avoid lawsuit) ripped Deep Fat Fryer off something fierce. I was vulnerable after the death of my last car and quite taken advantage of by a smooth talking salesperson with an interest rate that would make a bookie blush.

What you need to know about me now is that I am without a car. I am entirely reliant on public transportation, my bicycle, my chicken legs, and my wife to get me where I need to go (Starbucks). This isn’t good. I am going to try living without a car for a month and see what that gets me. Today I was twenty minutes late for work – so I am not off to a great start.

So now I have to tow my car back home to my driveway so I can donate its ass to a charity for the blind. This will cost me fifty bucks because the American Automobile Association (AAA) is a bunch of blood sucking scum suckers. They refuse to tow the same car twice "for one incident". At least I will get a small tax deduction, and the satisfaction that I helped a blindy get behind the wheel.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Flying Flag at Half-Mass

Happy Labor Day!

No, it is not quite Labor Day. But yours truly did take a half-day on Thursday to go to the DMV. I also went to the foot doctor for some kick ass shoe inserts. My right leg is severely shorter than the left one. This means I lean to the side when something isn’t wedged up under my right foot. So each time I get a new pair of shoes I take them into the orthopedist and he glues two inches of foam to the inside of my right shoe. This allows me to stand upright, instead of just falling over.

My DMV visit was fairly uneventful. I had to register my car for yet another year of crappy driving. Of note, I did have egg on my face when informed that the DMV does not accept debit or credit cards (because at the DMV it is always 1979). To illustrate this point they were also playing really horrible 70’s rock music over the intercom.

Other big news – I am picking up a not-so-new couch on Monday. I stalked craiglist.com for a few weeks until I found the one I wanted. My wife and I have been remodeling our basement. A gently used couch will be the centerpiece. Even I am shocked by the sheer niceness of the basement. It is funny what paint can do. I have a couple of small things to do – but I’m nearly there. My wife has been somewhat of a reluctant participant in the basement remodel, believing there is no end to my need to improve our home. I disagree (but she is right). Some gene deep inside me has turned on. I can’t turn it off now. All I see when I looked around is things that need to be sanded, painted, sealed, caulked, blasted, buffed, landscaped, or chopped down. My sister is the same way. I think we got a lot of nervous energy.

What Would Jesus Do?

I would be doing the blog a disservice if I did not mention embattled Idaho Senator Larry Craig. By now we all know Craig was stalking around the Minneapolis airport looking for some dude-love. He denies this. But from what I’ve heard he reached under a bathroom stall and grabbed a dude’s ankle. That is pretty damning. Should Craig resign? I don’t know, let’s ask God. I’ll give it a call right now (insert dialing noise)...

Heavenly Secretary: This is Heaven. How can I help you?
Mr. Fryer: Hi, can you put me through to God.
Heavenly Secretary: What is this regarding?
Mr. Fryer: I want to ask God about Larry Craig.
Heavenly Secretary: God doesn’t have time for that shit. Go fuck a fig.

Goodnight

Well I am going for a run. Since I got my new insert in my shoe today so I can finally try out the new running shoes I purchased several weeks ago. Eat my dust bitches!

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Glad To Be Back Too, Appreciate Sentiments

Heat Rash Worsens

Toward the end of summer I begin to get wildly impatient with the relentless heat of Kansas City. Much like our BBQ sauce (and guns), it is smoking hot. I myself have always hated the destructive power of Kansas City heat. It is like a crying baby, relentless in its quest to make everyone uncomfortable. First it kills your grass, then your soul. The long and short of it is that I need summer to be over before I go bananas. I have developed some peculiar personality traits this long, hot summer. One is that I now take the weather personally. Like some forlorn farmer, I believe the sky is out to get me (I’m going to lose the whole dang sorghum crop). I shake my fist in anger. Each day with no precipitation, each heat index over 100 turns me further into a grumbling shell of my former self. I angrily tune in to the local news every night, eagerly anticipating tomorrow’s forecast. And even though I spend an average of only 4 ½ minutes a day outdoors, still I cry. If the heat doesn’t end soon I will have no choice but to raindance in my driveway.

Lipstick on a Pig

One of our favorite expressions here at DFF is that old adage about the futility of putting lipstick on a pig. The saying goes “that is like putting lipstick on a pig”. The expression is not meant to be taken literally (but with America’s obesity rate skyrocketing you can rest assured that somewhere out there a bigger gal is caking on a tube of Estee Lauder’s finest). I digress. The expression is so great not just because of the image it conveys, but also for the message it sends. Too many times in our daily lives we try to make something nice out of something that is clearly not nice. Don’t try and make your crappy life better by insisting you are fine with it. Don’t put lipstick on your life. Take a lesson from an actual pig, use your hoofs to fling shit on the porker next to you.

Not Taken Advantage Of

Today marks a milestone. This morning I dropped my car off at the auto mechanic for a state mandated inspection and an oil change. Four hours later I received a phone call from this place that my car was ready for pick-up. What is unusual is that in the time between when I dropped off the car and when they called me nothing else went wrong with the car. Normally dropping my junky car off at mechanic for any reason gets me four our five of the following phone calls:

Mechanic: Mr. Fryer, are you aware that one of your tires is sittin’ in the backseat?
Mr. Fryer: Well, they were all attached when I dropped it off this morning.
Mechanic: Well this one ain’t attached no more. You want us put that back on for you?
Mr. Fryer: Can the car be driven without all four tires?
Mechanic: I wouldn’t recommend it.
Mr. Fryer: I guess put it back on. How much does that cost?
Mechanic: I can put that back on for $212, with tax.
Mr. Fryer: That would be great, thank you so much!!

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Investing Heavily In Tortilla Futures

Dog Days of Summer, Bark!!!

My new job is going well. Though I guess the newness is wearing off a bit. I am at nearly three months now. I have been running a lot of meetings, which I have never done before. I am learning to project my voice in a sort of manly, booming, and authoritative way. I've never felt more powerful (or like God). Last week I got to take a group of landscaping vendors on a tour of bus stops around the city (for a landscaping contract we have out for bid). I got to say things like "on your right is a bus stop, you will need to landscape that" and “look to your left, there is a bus stop you will need to landscape.”

Reclaiming Sunday’s

Ladies it is the time of year you have been dreading – it is nearly football season again. Very shortly the sound of a million beer commercials will fill your living room, bedroom, and garage. It has been a long time since the Super Bowl in February. I have spent a lot of Sunday’s doing what the wife wants to do – w/no excuse of a football game to get me out of it. Well that time is over, at least until February of 2008. If you need me I will be on the couch, and come hell or high-water I ain’t movin’.

News You Can’t Use

Many of you have contacted me with questions about the mining accident in Utah. You want to know what I think of mine safety. You ask how I would do it differently. You’re curious as to my own experience digging for coal. Well I don’t have any experience. But I did hear a story this week that a mine collapsed in China killing 180 miners. That is a lot of dead miners, even for a deadly mining accident. This observation alone qualifies me as an expert. So I say we must protect the men and ladies hallowing out majestic mountains all over this great land. Write a congressman.

Dream Analysis Expert Added, Fired

In an effort to stay competitive in the blog world, DFF added a dream analysis expert to our staff. We hoped this would encourage reader participation, and bring in desperately needed advertising revenue. Brenda ended up being more combative than I could have ever imagined. We let her go last week. So stop emailing me with your dream questions. There is no one here who can answer them.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Seen Spilling Coffee, Icing Crotch

Up and Running

The Deep Fat Fryer is back in business. We have settled twelve out of fourteen lawsuits – and that ain’t bad. The lights are back on, our janitorial crew has been recalled from Nicaragua, and the coffeemaker is percolating. I have never been angrier, truly all is right with the world. Let’s get started.

Things I Am the Maddest At

1) Britney Spears – Why are networks reporting her every move like she is a hurricane or stock market? She ain’t news.
2) Hot Air – I need it to be a little hotter. 103 isn’t hot enough. Oh wait, add the maximum amount of humidity and gusty winds. Now I am satisfied.
3) Local TV news personalities – It hasn’t rained since Memorial Day and they are praying the rain holds off just one more day so the 4th Annual Lasagna Festival can go off without a hitch. How about it just rains when it rains and you just shut your trap.
4) Atlanta Falcon QB Michael Vick – This dog killer is dominating coverage of the NFL. He is not even playing football. He is awaiting his trial for killing dogs. I don’t associate killing dogs with the NFL. Why is he the only thing being covered in sports publications? This guy is a dog killer, a dog killer. Each time I tune in to hear the latest news about my football team I just hear more gruesome details about dog killing. I know more about dog killing than I did two months ago and I am not happy about it.
5) Seasonal Decorations – Last week I saw both Christmas and Halloween decorations in the store. Um, it is still the middle of August. I am still sweating from walking to the mailbox. The last thing I want to think about is putting on my Halloween outfit or Santa hat and buying gifts for people who have disappointed me all damn year. If I were president I would pass a law that seasonal crap couldn’t appear in stores until five days before the stupid event. If anyone complained I’ll simply cancel the holiday and act real disappointed in everyone.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Not As Manly As Before Spider Bite

Travel is one of the greatest joys a person can have. There is nothing quite like packing your suitcase and setting off to a vacation destination more exotic and interesting than your own backyard. My own backyard would definitely make for a poor vacation spot. Due to my negligence much of our backyard could be termed The Ankle-Breaker Ranch. In one step the terrain dips low and then in another it juts back into the air. During heavy rains lakes form in the dips and create watery housing units for mosquito families. But that is why we go on vacation, to forget about our mosquito bites and broken ankles.

I never thought I would be someone who would actually get to go on a vacation. I just never figured I would have the financial wherewithal to actually travel more than 20 minutes outside of my living room. My college major had been chosen w/all the care of someone picking out windshield wiper fluid. I just assumed a B.A. in History would prove rather un-lucrative. In college travel for me had meant shopping at the Wal-Mart across town, instead of the one right outside my door.

The geography of Kansas City would make one think God created it on the cheap, and with little imagination. Picture God: It is 200 billion years ago, he is locked in his den planning our Earth. He is clearly pooped from having just carved out Alaska. His assistant Cordero reminds him that he has left a very small hole in the middle of North America. God sighs and determines it would just be easier to finish it now, rather than drag this thing into a seventh day and have it ruin his Sunday too. He begins to draw up a wild landscape – but Cordero reminds him the entire project is so far over budget it is not even funny. God erases the mountains, the volcano, the waterfall, and even a tiny peninsula that if you squint kind of looks like the future Britney Spears. What is left is eraser shavings and a very exasperated God.

The city was provided no mountains, hills, oceans, deserts, caves, bluffs, valleys, lookouts, tunnels or forests. We do have a single river, the Missouri, with its lazy, tepid, trek through the heart of the city. I have never developed the affinity for the Missouri River that I did for Tampa Bay in the years I lived in Tampa. In some cities the landscape becomes such a part of the city that the two are almost inseparable. What would San Francisco be without the Bay? How could Chicago survive without Lake Michigan? Would anyone recognize Seattle without Mt. Rainer looming over its shoulder?

Kansas City is astonishingly free of these types of natural wonders. That is not to say that Kansas City is void of all splendors. In the autumn the city shakes off the toasted brown foliage of late summer and morphs into a sky of reds, oranges and yellows. In the spring it gives birth to vivid blooms of pink and white flowers. But for the most part the landscape is unimaginative.

Despite the dearth of an interesting topography my wife and I did choose to stay here. It is a remarkably easy and comfortable place to live. We find this out all over again every time we travel. The joy of traveling is second only to the joy of returning.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Can't Learn Spanish Without Hugs

Happy 4th of July

Check back next week for all new episodes. I am going on assignment to the National Baby Booty Museum in Vittles, North Dakota. See you on Monday!

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Survives Flapjack Fiasco

Will Work For i-Phone

So this weekend was the coming out party for the latest technology that will change our pathetic lives into something much fuller and juicer – the iPhone. The iPhone just might do that. The televisions is telling me this. I must admit that more than once on Friday I thought about making a lightning quick withdraw from the ATM and getting me an iPhone (or thieving it from someone who already had one). I thought it would have been awesome to walk into work on Monday and show all them suckas that I had $600 laying around for a new telephone. My wife would have been furious though, but only until I showed her the device. At that time she would have said something along the lines of “baby, I am so glad you treated yourself to such an extravagant new toy.” But I really decided that I will just wait a few more months.

Make A 4th of July to Remember

Planning a huge 4th of July blowout party for all your homeboys this Wednesday? Deep Fat Fryer is here to help. We interviewed reputable party planner Dotty VanOtty to give us a few tips on how to make your 4th of July bash really special this year.

Deep Fat Fryer (DFF): Hi Dotty.
Dotty VanOtty (DVO): Hi DFF, thank you for having me. I am SO excited to be here. I am a huge fan of the blog, and my kids just love the new DFF cereal.
DFF: We are SO happy you are here (blushing). Let me start by asking what the most important element of planning a 4th of July party is?
DVO: First you need to sit down and create a list of invitees. Choose people whom you know and whose company you enjoy. You will...
DFF: Dotty let me stop you for a minute. This list – is something that should be made electronically?
DVO: It doesn’t particularly matter if it is electronic or not. You just need to come up with a guest list. Make sure and...
DFF: And these are people I already know?
DVO: I don’t understand. Yes they are people you know. So after you create your list...
DFF: You know I have to stop you again. How many people should be on the list?
DVO: Alright. In the party planning business we call this knowing your “party capacity”. You want to make sure not to include so many people that you can’t handle it. I once planned an event for…
DFF: What about food? How will I know how much food to buy?
DVO: I don’t understand why you keep interrupting me. You buy enough food to feed the amount of people you have invited. Why are you...
DFF: I am sorry, and I hope this isn’t rude – but what are your credentials as a party planner?
DVO: Excuse me! I have over 25 years experience planning top-drawer events in and around the Cleveland metro area. What are your credentials as a writer?
DFF: Ms. VanOther I think this interview is over!
DVO: Mr. Fryer I think this interview is over!
DFF: Oh, oh, and you should know they recalled that cereal. It causes pneumonia in the weak!

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Glad to Put Monday Behind Him

100th Anniversary Extravaganza and Party Time Blog Post

Today is a monumental day in the short history of the Deep Fat Fryer Blog. Today marks our 100th posting. That means that 100 times over the last six months we have written material and that material has subsequently been viewed by people that are not just me.

So many memories – so many memories. Actually I couldn’t even come up with a single memory. And I really, really thought about it. I did have a memory of sobbing at my desk a few months ago – and then I remembered my grandfather was a racist and something funny could be done about that (Traumatic Childhood Memory #345, 3/20/07).

To be frank this also marks the longest I have ever stuck with anything. If I had my own personal crest it would as follows: me walking away with my arms thrown up in the air. This is to say that I am a HUGE quitter. I like quitting. I am really good at it. But the blog has allowed me to change that personal behavior. And that is a good thing.

What does the future hold for the Deep Fat Fryer? Well at some point we need to get our act together and buy ourselves “thedeepfatfryer.com” web address. We are also hoping to introduce a line of high quality kitchen gadgets…and also adult themed religious gadgets.

Sweaty
Tonight I wanted to step-off of the treadmill and shake myself out like a dog just out of the bath.
Ghost of Christmas Crappy
Remember a couple of Christmas seasons ago when everyone got everyone jelly beans. People would go “giggle, these ones taste like a chili pepper” – what was up with that shit? No it doesn’t taste like a chili pepper, now take it back and get me a real gift.

Have a great weekend. See you Monday.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Uses Griddle to Cook Up Pancakes, Laughs

Office Drone Sees Ray of Hope on Sourpuss Day

Well not much going on today. It is a relativity cloudy, gloomy day. The kind of day that makes you just want to fake chest pains, leave work a few minutes early and go home and sit on the couch with a big cup of coffee and your complete lack of ambition. Ah, but I am not amongst the elite class of stay-at-home twenty-something’s. I am both extremely fortunate to have a job, and extremely unfortunate to need one so desperately. In many ways I have come to terms with my middle-classness. As a young fellow I dreamed of earning my fortune by piloting the controls of the Space shuttle Columbia. It has since been destroyed (that was a close one) – much like my dreams of being a high-flying astronaut.

In my late 20’s I have realized that space travel is out of my reach…but middle-management is closer than I think. Though I currently do not supervise anyone, in the future I look forward to a day when I can share any random thoughts with a captive audience of wage slaves. I will impart my wisdom on them with the heavy hand of fairness. I will listen to their problems, but also be kind of catty behind their back. I will be open to suggestions, but also be unwilling to make even the slightest change in my management style. I will delegate every possible task, but keep an image of near constant productivity. I will be understanding when my staff have personal issues, but also ridicule them when they try and tell me about them. I will treat my staff as my equals, but also let them know they aren’t even capable of licking my shoe. And those are my new dreams. They are dreams I believe are ripe for the pickin’.

Quote of the Week
“It appears that you’ve been shot.”

That from a nurse in a Miami hospital to a man who went to the emergency room seeking relief from severe head pain. His wife had accidentally shot him in the head whilst he slept. The man’s wife was thoughtful enough to flee the emergency room while her husband was being examined. She was later arrested on weapons charges, and also for being kind of a shitty wife.

Happy Birthday ATM!
The Automatic Teller Machine is celebrating its 40 birthday this month. The ATM is often credited with revolutionizing the way men pay for hookers. It has also grown to become the top kidnapping destination in America. It is estimated that every eight seconds an American is abducted and forced to withdraw up to $500 at gunpoint.

Full-Body Searches to Resume at Buccaneer Home Games
A federal appeals court ruled that the Tampa Bay Buccaneers can resume security pat-downs of fans entering Buccaneer home games. A Tampa man, Gordon Johnson, had sued the team – saying the searches violated his right to not be searched for no reason. Listen Gordie, just let this big fat guy move your goodies from left to right and then you can go watch the football game like everyone else. No need to raise a big fuss.

Viewer Feedback
We here at DFF pride ourselves on…er, well something I am sure. Oh gazpacho, we make a mean gazpacho. And we take reader relations very seriously. If there is anything you would like to see or something than can be improved – let us know. You won’t hurt my feelings. Shit flows down hill at DFF. Half my staff is drunk and the other half weren’t even hired (just kind of showed up one day). I’ll fire all their asses if I have to. Email adam2840@yahoo.com if you have anything on your mind.

Kansas City Man Still Moved By Baywatch Theme Song

Out of Ideas, DFF Turns to Old Standby

I am a little short on ideas tonight. It is late…and frankly the “creative” part of my mind that spools out this mindless dribble has just plain turned itself off. I mean really. I thought of doing “a best of the DFF”. But I am kind of even to lazy to back over the past six months and pull off a couple of old bits.

Disease of the Week

This week we take a look at Lassa Fever, and it is a doozy of a whooper. Lassa originated in Western Africa sometime in the 1950’s. What Lassa really likes to do is get in a body and just go hog-wild on every organ it can. This bad boy is going after your kidneys, liver and spleen. At first you are going to have a very small fever. After a few days the small fever turns into a big fever, and then a big fever turns into wretched vomiting, chest pain and muscle soreness. Hold on people – this gets bad. If you ain’t treated by the time you are vomiting your brains you are in for even bigger surprises. Lassa is going after your hearing next. According to our resident physician nearly 25% of Lassa cases result in at least temporary deafness. You are not even going to be able to hear yourself vomiting (a blessing I suppose). How does one get infected with Lassa you ask? Well our research indicates it is primarily associated with rat shit (and touching or looking at people with Lassa).

Next Posting: Kansas City Man See Writing on Wall, But Can’t Read Spanish

Only 6-Months ‘Til Christmas…You’re Already Behind

Christmas is six months from today. It is time to start seriously thinking about what you are going to ask the Santa for. This year Santa and I are going to get on the same page. We had a misunderstanding last year and I ended up with diddley-pooh. I got busy and got my list in a little late. Well Christmas morning came and there was just nothing under my tree. This year I didn’t fiddle-fart around. I have already mailed my list to the North Pole.

If you are on a budget this year – here are some simple tips to simplify the gift giving season. It is never too early!

1) Begin looking closely for reasons not to buy people gifts. Make a pack with yourself that once a friend or relative is put on your “naughty” list they are not coming off (not even if they apologize numerous times). By the time November rolls around you won’t have even a single gift to buy.
2) If you do buy gifts – don’t put a lot of thought or care into gift purchases. This is the criminal equivalent to “smash and grab” shopping. Just grab what is in front of you and slap some names on the shit later.
3) Shop the sales. You won’t believe what you’ll find – you won’t care what you’ll find.
4) Search your home for gifts that have already been purchased, such as cola or unopened Kleenex.
5) Stay close to home this year. Airfare has gotten outrageous. Use the funds you would have spent on visiting your family to purchase the things you need to be successful at your New Year’s resolution (sculpture making equipment, bowling ball, kazoos).

Finally Some Nice News About Americans…We Give To Charity

We here a lot these days about the “evil American” – burning huge amounts of gas in their SUV, throwing trash out the windows, trying to kill a bunny, etc. You name something bad and it has been said about us Yanks. We’ve been called fat, lazy, self-centered, unconcerned with the crisis in Farfur, stupid about the environment, obese, stupid about global politics, enormously huge, stupid about China, defensive, edgy, homophobic, mental, egomaniacal, dangerous, gun loving, butter loving, stupid about God, gassy, bad in bed, sweaty, kitten breathy….

Well the truth is all those things might just be true. But apparently we give to charity like nobody’s business. Americans shelled out nearly 300 billion dollars last year to charitable causes. This set a new record! I didn't give jack - so count me among the people who gave. So add flippin’ generous to the list I mentioned above. Also, add ultra churchy – because 30% of that went directly to Jesus oriented religious groups.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Doesn’t Care for Chicken Buckets

Free Six-Flags For Life

....If You Give Up Your Feet

A 16 year-old in Louisville, Kentucky will no doubt be receiving free Six Flags tickets for life. The girl lost both of her feet while riding the “Superman Tower of Power” ride on Thursday. A cord on the ride snapped and quickly ran off with both of her feet. Claudette Cojuir, a spokesperson Six Flags North America relayed that it is the policy of Six Flags that no guests lose any of their feet – let alone both of them. Cojuir went on to say that she had spoken with the girl and “she had no hard feelings.”

Treadmills Can Kill

I got a complaint about the treadmills at my gym. They have this emergency pull string on them. If you accidentally touch it the treadmill jerks to a stop – throwing one off the treadmill like a bronco. If someone has an emergency and they have to stop the treadmill – well they probably don’t need to be thrown like that during their emergency. Imagine if you were having a heart attack and you pulled that – and it just threw you off the treadmill and onto the ground like trash. That is insult to injury.

Continental Serves Up Cheap Coffee, Excrement

This is my favorite story of the day….A Continental flight from Amsterdam to Newark experienced a catastrophic sewage overflow. Passengers on the flight described sitting next to raw human waste for hours. One passenger reported feeling “abused and neglected.” This man wins the prize for biggest drama queen on an international flight. Abused and neglected? Get a grip fella. The passengers all received $500 travel vouchers for future Continental travel. I don’t know what it says about me, but I would totally sit next to shit if I got free airfare. I have very aggressive travel goals.

First Day of Summer - The Air Conditioner Is On

Well it had to happen sometime. The air conditioner in our house was finally turned on – probably for good. Things are really sizzling now in Kansas City. I have turned into my usual summer sweaty self. It doesn’t help that I have to wear a shirt and tie to work everyday. By the time I get to work (or home from work) I look pretty grim. It kind of reminds me of when people leave their dog outside all day in the heat. The dog ends up looking kind of sick and out of its mind. That is pretty much me each afternoon on my way home from work. You would be surprised just how hot a city bus can get.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Hauls Off Big Prizes At Company Picnic

Introducing Cocky

We have a new feature here at DFF. We have enlisted the help of nature’s most wretched creature – the cockroach. He will be here every Thursday to answer your questions. We call this segment…Ask Cocky.

Our first question is from a roach in Grand Rapids, Michigan.

Dear Cocky, I have been thinking about relocating. Which do you prefer – the bathtub drain or the kitchen sink? Thanks, Dave

Hi Dave, Listen up, it is six of one – half dozen of the other. If your in the kitchen you know your going to get a good meal. Try and find a family with a binge eater. They tend to leave huge messes after midnight. If you like the cool dampness of a bathroom then stay close to a main tub drain. Avoid early mornings, when Americans tend to do most of their bathing. Good luck!

Ray from Deuce, Wyoming writes…

Dear Cocky, This family I am staying with is using all kinds of pesticides and chemicals to try and kill me. How do I tell them that it is just not working? Best, Ray

Hello Ray, This is a letter we get a lot. The family has caught you hanging out near the toaster and they are pretty steamed about it. Lay low for a while. Let things blow over. Spend a few weeks exploring the family closets, hide out in a pair of old shoes for a bit. You'll be back in the kitchen in no time.

Norris in Baltimore writes…

I am seeing this roach in a row house down the street. This broad is having like ten babies a week. I tell her she can’t prove they mine. She threatened to call the exterminator on my ass if I don’t pay my child support crumbs. The bitch crazy. What do I do?

Hi Norton, This situation can be tricky. Many male roaches find it difficult to balance the demands of family with their own disgusting need to scurry and eat shit. You have a duty to those tiny baby roaches. Pay your crumbs and be a man about it.

FYI - The inspiration for the Cocky column came from my own run in with a roach last night in my kitchen sink. While I was smashing his lights out I imagined capturing him and giving him an advice column here on DFF.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Sees Blog Hits Rock Bottom With Roach Bit

Price Is Right For Rosie?

Everyone’s favorite former View host Rosie O’Donnell is rumored to be in talks with CBS to take over the Price Is Right. What does the now retired Bob Barker think of all this? When asked about the possibility of O’Donnell replacing him an obviously confused Barker commented that the show would be in goods hands with a male host and that O’Donnell would be perfect for the role. When the L.A. Times reporter corrected the gender of O’Donnell Barker only laughed and mouthed “I know ladies, that ain’t no lady”.

Investment Opportunity

I hear a lot these days about investing, who’s doing it, what they are investing in, how much cold cash they are taking to the banks, etc. Well we at DFF are always looking to diversify our business model. Frankly we rely a little too much on revenue generated through our online department store. The Fryer blog does generate some income – but not as much as you would think. I had our attorney look into the legal ramifications of DFF starting some kind of reader investment club. Basically what I want to do is take your money – invest that money and give you a little profit. I want to turn your money into even more money. Unfortunately our attorney seemed to think this was a bad, bad idea. She reminded me of my own troubled investment past (foreclosed homes, owning a lot of swamps, living in a dumpster, losing my dumpster). The consensus around DFF World Headquarters was that DFF needs to stick with what it does best – posting a half-witted social commentary, and selling fried chicken and tires.

Rumors Unfounded, Hurtful

I wanted to address some rumors that have been swirling. Many of you have noticed my sudden, unplanned, loss of weight. Well I am not on cocaine. I can't stress that enough. No cocaine.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Thinks TV Is On To Something

Random Thoughts

1) My Weekly Company Newsletter – The thing states that you should call a professional counselor if you are feeling depressed for as little as two weeks. Come on – two weeks? I call that just getting started. You’d have to be a real candy-ass to call a shrink after two weeks of feeling the blues.
2) Why is the coffee they provide at work so BAD? It is not just bad – but bad beyond belief. It is true at any office you are at. In my particular office they make Folgers available. Folgers is normally a very reliable cup. At my office it tastes like someone ground up cigarettes and boiled them. Oh god, it will give me night terrors just thinking about it. Blah.
3) Downtown Kansas City is really coming back to life. It is hard to belief – but hope is on every street corner. Not Hope the prostitute – but hope that the revitalizing efforts in the urban core are working. My new bus route snakes its way through downtown and I am really enjoying it. The finishing touches are being put on new restaurants, theatres, office buildings, etc. At every turn it seems something new is happening. It is quite an amazing turnaround from when I moved here five years ago. Now there will be something to do in Kansas City besides worship old you-know-who.

Congratulations…

Julia Roberts just had another baby. She is really working on creating her own little race of big lipped, loud laughing, little rascals. While we are happy for Julia (and husband Danny Moder)…we will throw some criticism their way. Names of the last three Roberts-Moder children: Henry, Hazel and Phinneaus. Those aren’t kids names, it is the damn roll call for pills down at the Livingdead Retirement Facility. Way to rush your kids through childhood you two. Suggestions for your next three kids: Dick, Lou and Ruth.

Movie Review: Notes On A Scandal

They should call this movie Notes On Making Me Vomit. What a terrible movie. I won’t spoil it – but if you rent this you are going to see a lot more of Judi Dench then you planned when the movie started. It is not just Judi Dench in the bath that made this movie poor (oh shit, I gave it away). I understand not everyone looks like Meredith Baxter Birney in the tub. The movie was just not uplifting enough. I also struggled to understand the British accents. At one point I wasn’t sure if Dench was taking notes on the scandal or a friend’s brisket.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Ends Suspense, Will Pay Into Company’s 457 Plan

Hasselhoff Wins Custody, Questions Linger

David Hasselhoff has won the custody fight with his ex-wife Pam Bach. Hasselhoff was recently in the news for encouraging one of his daughters to film him in a booze haze (whilst he attempted to eat a Wendy’s) – while the daughter yelled at him that he is a drunkard. What in the world must be wrong with Pam Bach? If you are losing a custody battle to a David Hasselhoff you got to have some serous personal defects. If I were Pam Bach I would be doing some serious reflecting, asking myself some tough questions. My first one would be how in hell did I lose a custody battle to that guy? What could be so wrong with her that a judge would look at Hasselhoff and say yes, you take care of those kids. Is she a vampire? That is the only thing I could think of that would make her a worse parent than Hasselhoff - if she sucked the children's blood.

Tired of the Same Old News

What is with the news? Jeez, I watched the same stories two years ago. If you would have slipped into a coma on June 19, 2005 and woke up on June 19, 2007 you would not have missed a thing. It is all immigration debate and the Iraq War. It is the same windbag politicians, the same rhetoric and the same results. The only thing that has changed is my hairline.

Quote of the Week

“She had a great reception in heaven”

This was the Rev. Billy Graham on the welcome that his recently deceased wife received upon flinging open the pearly gates of the afterlife. Graham will have you believe his wife was greeted with a cake and punch reception. DFF thinks that was a little presumptuous of Graham. Not saying the women wasn’t a saint – but jeesh, this guy got a direct line to God or what? DFF knows a little something about the afterlife and we thinks we smell a rat.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Delightful On a Day Trip

First Thing I’m Getting When I Hit the Lotto…

A mouth full of big-old horsy teeth – huge white pearly ones…the sizes of thumbs. A lady I ride the bus with has a pair of these. It always looks like she is in a good mood. Her teeth are there a full two minutes before she even goes to say something.

Hamas Controls Gaza

I have given up trying to understand this conflict. I know something bad is happening in Israel – I just can’t get my mind around it. CNN tried explaining it to me – like a one minute synopsis of the last 15 years of conflict. It just left me with more questions. Who is Hamas and why is he always firing his gun directly into the air. Why is Gaza so ticked at Hamas? How can Gaza be both a person and a place? What does Israel even care if Hamas and Gaza come to blows? So many questions – so little intelligence to comprehend the answers.

National Audubon Society At It Again

As if we haven’t heard enough from this group – now they are telling us that American yard birds are disappearing, threatened, inconvenienced, etc. I invite them to come to my home, sit on my deck and watch all the tweeities I got flying around my backyard. It is like a damn (wherever a lot of birds stay). Last week I actually got crapped on by one of them while I stood innocently in my driveway. The gloom and doom crowd over at the Audubon Society will have you believe that common yard birds are being lost to global warming, over population and pollution. They will also tell you that common house cats are decimating the populations of domestic birds. Regardless if they are right – they are still incredibly lame for even looking into.

Justice Sits Around…Finally Catches Up With Mississippi Man

A jury deliberating since 1964 finally convicted James Ford Seale in the murder of two black teenagers in southwest Mississippi. It is unclear as to what in heavens took 43 years. A defiant Seale told the media “I’m an old feller.”

Immigration Questions

The question I am asked more than any other is my stance on immigration. People want to know how I feel about immigrants, what deep seeded nastiness lurks just below my trademark grimace. More often than not I tend to form an opinion based entirely on my own economic interests. Immigration (the illegal variety especially) allows a flood of eager-beaver workers who are willing to perform a variety of services for a pittance. Unfortunately they still charge more than I can afford. So I don’t really have an opinion on immigration. Maybe we let all of Mexico in and just deal with it all at once. There can’t be to many folks left down there anyhow. No one is using Michigan or North Dakota anymore.

Kansas City Man Thinks You Were Right About Crystal Meth

Hold Up Iran, Let’s Think This Over

The Iranian parliament today passed a decree (by a vote of 148-5) that individuals involved in the production or distribution of pornographic films are eligible for the death penalty. They said some crap about porn being the “corrupter of the world”. Now before you go agreeing – I had our research department do a little homework on this topic. It turns out that the Iranian definition of porno is a little different than the American one. In Iranian film just casting a gaze on the fairer sex will get you a PG13-rating. Holding hands will get you an R-rating, and a good night kiss will get you XXX billing. Oh Iran…what are we going to do with you?

Tips For Staying Cool This Summer

It is that time of year once again – temperatures across the country are rocketing toward triple digits. Our super sized American thighs are already sticking to our car seats. What to do? Here are a couple of tride and true tips for beating the heat this summer.
1) Ditch the silky underwears – go with cottons and cool your ass down
2) Make friends with an Eskimo

In Memorial…

Mr. Wizard (aka Don Herbert) passed away yesterday at the ripe old age of 89. Until viewing his obituary I had no idea that Mr. Wizard existed as a TV star outside of 1980’s Nickelodeon. Indeed – his “resume” revealed that he had delighted children in both the 1950’s and 1960’s as well. From the article I saw on the latimes.com it was unclear how he spent the 1970’s. One can imagine a heavily afroed Mr. Wizard passed out in the back of a discotech. Well I don’t care what he did in the 70’s. He was there for me in the 1980’s. Interestingly it was not the experiments* or science lessons I took away. More importantly, Mr. Wiz taught me to trust. He showed me that middle-aged men who invite young people into their homes and film them can, nay, must be trusted.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Seeking Full-Figured Broad

*It took me five tries to spell “experiments” correctly.

Vomiting Not As Glamorous As I Remembered

It has been a long time since I vomited. I think it was five years ago – due to a rancid batch of Stove Top Stuffing. If you’ve never vomited that stuff…well I would highly recommend it. Oh boy! I got a crippling headache yesterday at work. My 45 minute ride home on the bus only made the problem worse. I picked up my car at the park-n-ride, ran a red light and made it into the house five seconds before I lost my lunch (a PB&J if you’re wondering). It wasn’t my finest moment – but I felt instantly better. I still do have a slight headache though.

Complaint #1,298

I need people on airplanes to just SIT in their assigned seat. If the airline thought you should sit there – you should. On a flight last week from KC to Detroit no fewer than four couples requested seat changes while boarding. People were getting up and moving, flight attendants were in motion – trying to cut deals. I am extremely irritable at boarding time and this really aggravated me. I turned to the lady sitting next to me and said something about how I didn’t understand why people couldn’t just sit in the seat Northwest had given them. She agreed. Am I to believe these people can’t be apart from their loved one for even an hour? The plane was so loud it is not as if you could hear anyone talk anyway. I had to scream at the top of my lungs for my 3 ounces of water.

On another airline not – I am glad to see Northwest finally selling high-end snacks. I really like the trail mix they are dealing (and at two dollars it is a real value). It is a great change from those mini-pretzels they were giving out last year. Blah!

TV Show Review

If you aren’t watching ABC’s Nanny 9-1-1, than you are a real horses you-know-what. What a great show that is. They take this real life British nanny and they put her in a house with terrible parents and stank-rotten kids. In less than an hour she has that house turned around with her English sensibility. Last night she tackled a family where the mom had resorted to slapping as her primary means of communication. If one of her kids wanted something she would just slap them (meaning NO!). Supper Nanny basically told this mom to cut it out. The mom listened and the whole house got better. The dad needed a little help as well. He had gone all “absentee” on account of the mom being kind of screwy. Super Nanny managed to coax the dad back in the house. Super Nanny just has a lot of wisdom to give.

Why Missouri Can Kiss My Assets

Thanks Missouri , thanks for the $700 property tax bill on the USED car we just bought. I am not sure what they are doing with the money – our potholes are the size of Delaware and you can’t get anyone on the horn in Jefferson City anymore. I need to feel a little more taken advantage of.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Waters Wife, Hugs Grass

Week of Being The New Guy Is Exhaustive – Sweat Inducing

Well this week has been exhaustive. Who knew that starting a new job could take up so much time. I will hit the highlights here. First of all I got a pretty fat cubical – for a cubical it is pretty swank. I got a desk, a desk behind my desk and a table that is completely off in its own corner. I also have a book shelf and a window. Other than that…it is really pretty drab. The whole place is pretty clinical – about what you would expect from a government office building built in the 1970’s.

Oh and they are making my ass wear a shirt and tie everyday. I kind of paw and whimper at my collar all day long like a little doggie. They make all the gentlemen wear this. It kind of sucks because when the sun is out my cubicle heats up to a boil. I perspire something fierce. The actual work seems fine. There are no surprises there. Everyone is nice. After only two days working there and I got ten happy birthday wishes (today is the big day!).

God Hates Kansas City

I think God really doesn’t like Kansas City. I think when he created it he was super mad about something we said or did. I mainly think this because of three particular forms of weather here. The first occurs in the winter. In lieu of snow…God decided he would just throw down ice so he could watch our asses slip and fall. In the spring God thought it would be a laugh a minute to let us live every moment in fear of twisters. And as if that wasn’t cruel enough – God created the Kansas City summer, the biggest joke of all. God takes all his might and heats the air to 90 degrees and then uses his God-ass powers to whup the wind into 60mph gusts. What God has created is the effect of going about ones day in a blast furnace. This morning I actually heard this referred to on a local TV station as “blustery-hot”.

Urinal Etiquette

In the last two days I have had two very disturbing trips to the restroom. The first one occurred on my second day of work. This guy (maybe my boss?) starts talking to me about some contract or something he is concerned about. He is really going on and on about the thing. I am standing there trying to focus. He is yapping at the sink behind me and asking me questions. We are not ladies – the bathroom isn’t a conference room in which to solve all the problems of the world. I can't think about a contract while I am going. The Golden Rule of maleness is that in a bathroom you keep your eyes on the floor and your yapper shut.

Then today I am in the bathroom at a certain retail giant. I step up to my urinal and I can just feel this old guy next to me start to open up his fat trap. Well he starts yacking and asking me if I think we are going to get any rain tonight. I wanted to tell him NO – I heard this morning we are dry until the weekend. But I was just so mad I told him I wasn’t sure and then I got the hell out of there.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Disappears, Reappears Hours Later

New Job Eve

So this is the eve of my first day at my new job. Nerves, nerves, nerves. No, I am cool about it. I have packed all the things I need to be comfortable in my new surroundings. Here is the list of actual items I have packed for my first day.

1) Tampa Bay Buccaneer Super Bowl 35 championship mousepad
2) Tampa Bay Buccaneer coffee mug (with novelty palm tree coffee stir)
3) 9x9 dry erase board (for recording my tasks)
4) Desk fan
5) Portable radio for tunes w/headphones for
6) Dilbert desk calendar

My job search was exhaustive and time consuming. All hobbies and interests were shelved. All my energy was redirected toward my job search. Now that I have conquered Mt. GetMoreCash I will have to find some other challenge, some other personal quest. It will be weird to get up Monday morning and go some place different. I have gone to the same place everyday for nearly four years. What if I get confused, go to the wrong place and accidentally get my old job back?

Weekend In Review

Friday after work I boozed it up with a couple of my (now ex) coworkers to celebrate my freedom. After I got home from boozing with my coworkers my wife and I picked up my mother-in-law and sister-in-law. We went to this place called Wines By Jennifer. It was nice – we had wine (though not actually served by Jennifer). It was more of a wine tasting thing. I think they should cut a lot of the mumbo-jumbo wine talk and just give it to you. After that we went and had some dessert.

Saturday morning I made a huge omelet. I stuffed that puppy full of onions, fakin’ bacon, and cheese. It was really very heavy. After that I don’t know what I did. As I have gotten older I find that a lot of time goes missing while I sit around thinking about what I should be doing. A little later that day my wife and I went put-put golfing to celebrate my the birthday of our niece. After put-put we had pizza, cake, ice cream and watching kids open presents.

That brings us to today. Today I got up, made some eggs, cut the grass, went for a bike ride to Sears, drove to Kohl’s and talked on the phone. I like cutting the grass. I feel all house proud after it is done. I say a little thank you to Wells Fargo for thinking enough of my wife and I to let us have a mortgage on this little American dream. It is a beautiful partnership. With each mortgage payment my wife and I like to imagine which piece of the house we have just taken total ownership of. So far we have paid off the tiles around the toilet in the hall bathroom, a windowsill in the kitchen above the sink, and a blade of grass by the mailbox. In just 291/2 years this will all be ours.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Predicts Growth Healthcare Field

Things You Might See If You Come to My Door on a Sunday at 2pm

My neighbor (we’ll call her “Helena” ‘cause I couldn’t begin to remember her name) came to my door on Sunday afternoon with the gift of a recently picked bag of garden vegetables. Very nice. Unfortunately I was ill prepared for visitors and thus quite pants-less. It was just me – in my boxers – holding a caulking gun. I had just minutes before begun the arduous task of sealing windows…the gaps in which my wife believes allows a sort of bug freeway into our home. I have never seen these bugs she speaks of – but they appear to rattle her nerves. When it became apparent that this woman was our neighbor (and not a Bible thumper) I excused myself and found some pants. When I returned – now more clothed – Helena gave me a bag of veggies and told me there was plenty more where that came from.

Bad Babysitter Alert

A teenage babysitter in Waterford, Pennsylvania fell asleep on Wednesday while watching a 20-month-old and two year old. When she woke up a short time later both of the children she was supposed to have been watching had accidentally drowned in a pond. No word on the identify of this “bad babysitter” – but we will stay on top of the story. DFF is committed to putting this bad babysitter out of business for good.

Last Day

Today is my last day at my job. Though our separation was initiated by me – the whole week has been much more emotional than I thought it would be. I feel a little like some caged up cockatiel – who has longed for freedom for years. But when that cage door is accidentally left open one day and it has a chance to escape…well it is not so sure it is ready for freedom. What will it be like at a new employer? Will they provide a delicious assortment of baked goods each Friday morning? Ready or not, freedom comes for this cockatiel at 4pm today. When that door swings open it is going to look like I was blasted from a cannon. I am ready for all that awaits on the other side.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Flops on Broadway

Top 5 Secrets To Keep From Your Coworkers

5) Your significant other left you – like a long time ago, those phone calls you’ve been making to your sweetie are bullshit
4) The cancer your coworkers cheered you through was not actually cancer at all – but a mental breakdown brought about by something trivial
3) The “vacation” you took last year was not to Yosemite – but instead spent serving a two week long prison term for a misunderstanding on the internet
2) It is contagious
1) You saw the cleaning lady steal the Kelly Clarkson CD off of Wendy’s desk – she then threatened to kill you (and you totally knew she was serious)

Well yesterday was definitely a long day. In inordinate amount of shit seems to be flowing downhill – and onto me. As soon as you announce you are leaving a job folks come out of the woodwork to give you the work they wanted you to do months ago. Because I am in my final two days at my job I am being forced to say final goodbyes to people. These are folks I have worked with for years. I hate goodbyes. Actually I love them. I think I am super good at them. I am a great judge at what to say and what to hold back. You always want to keep a little back. Today one of the vendors I purchase equipment from came to my office to say goodbye. We had a nice chat (and what I consider another fine farewell by me). The trick to a good adios is to downplay the “moment” with casualness. Add a somber grimace that shows you understand that you will never see this person again. I don’t advocate saying goodbye with a hug. I received one of these today. It was not a forceful hug…but a hug nonetheless.

Mailbag

Bryan writes…

To see pictures of Adam at his other job on the SciFi channel, go to: http://www.aarondouglas.biz/

Bryan is referring to what he believes is my uncanny resemblance to Aaron Douglas, an actor on the series Battlestar Galactica. Well we had our fact checking department look into the matter. Their verdict: Aaron Douglas is doing a hell of a lot more with that face than I ever could. He has finagled that mug into the hearts and minds of the science fiction crowd. I on the other hand run a small blog from my desk.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Finds the Cut of Your Jib Pitiful

Honor Our Fallen by Sleeping in, Having Big Omelet

Yesterday (May 28th) was Memorial Day. Because of this national holiday I did not have to go to work. Hallelujah! This means I had three days off from what I call “the grind”. So a lot of people call it that – but I think my job is more grindy than some others (certainly more than yours).

This weekend proved a plentiful one. The most important thing to know is that my wife and I secured financing for a nice little gas grill – now sitting proudly in our overgrown / flooded back yard. We are learning that one of the features of our new house is that rain tends to pool in the backyard, creating what I like to call “Lake Adam”. The suburban wildlife seem to enjoy it though (especially the mosquitoes!). They’ll get after you. Back to my grill. The Chars-a-Lot 200 offers a realistic grilling experience to those unprivileged enough to purchase it. It combines the terrifying vapors of a propane tank w/the shaky legs of a $95 grill. So far our grill success stories have included 1) sweet potatoes 2) corn on the cob 3) tofu for me 4) chicken for the wife 5) asparagus for everyone.

Family Cheapness Taking Tasty Turn

My wife and I tend to be careful with our money in many ways. It is a fact of life in our house that money is very hard to earn and must be guarded. Because of this we have developed certain habits of the frugal. For instance all dollars that come in are cataloged and there whereabouts traced meticulously through their life cycle with our family. In this way we keep a record of precisely where our money is terminating. My wife recently pointed out that an inordinate amount of our income seems to be going to two specific expenditures – house plants and pie. I stopped to think about that for a minute. Sure enough we do have a lot of house plants and we do eat a lot of pie.

We are a family that is willing to stand in a grocery store isle for hours examining the unit cost on two dueling boxes of corn meal. But when confronted with the sight of a display of house plants will ask no questions as we reach in and grab all we can carry. More than once we have reached the checkout with handfuls of plants and pots – only to realize we have spent a small fortune.

As for the pies…guilty as charged. We are a family that values filling a pie crust with something, baking it, and eating it with coffee.

Memorial Day Hero

Today we honor my great-grandfather Julian Dickmantrooskye. Drafted in Poland and sent to serve on the front lines of World War I – it was his six days of incessant high-pitched screaming that got him removed from the trench and sent back on the next train home. His spirit of survival (and cowardliness) churns on in the generations that have proceeded him.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Falls Asleep in Church, Jesus Heard Not Amused