I frequently highlight the shows that I get enamored with. I know I recently declared ABC’s Wife Swap as the best show you’re a huge idiot for not watching. But last night it got a competitor. NBC's Dateline has outdone themselves by making their once intermittent segment “To Catch a Predator” into full length hour shows. Genius! The show uses the internet to entice perverts. The pervs are lured to a secret Dateline location with an offer of hanky-panky from underage individuals. As soon as they arrive they are immediately confronted by the Dateline reporter and brutally arrested. The excuses these guys use are top drawer, with most of the men claiming they just wanted to “hangout” or "talk". Their online chatting transcripts reveal a much different story. The best part is when the Dateline reporter reads the perverts snippets of what they thought they were writing to a minor. He goes, he goes “so you are just here to talk, well does talking for you involve __ and __ and using a __ to __ a __?”
Search for House Painter Concludes w/Sigh
As I am calling around trying to find someone who wants to paint our house it occurred to me that 100 years ago I would have just known how to paint my own house and/or barn. Now I am at the mercy of the thieves and con artists who pass themselves off as house painters. I just spoke to one guy who used so much technical jargon I liked to have died. As in if I knew what he was talking about I would have the knowledge and skill to paint my own house. Don’t talk to me about the thickness of your paint of choice or what you do to nail heads and holes. I ain’t familiar with all that. Just give me the quote. He did - $3K. Gulp!
Country Song Lyrics from Yesterday
My wife tells me that the song I highlighted in our country music lyrics segment was quite a downer (depressing). The song is apparently about child abuse, a subject that country music has traditionally shied away from. I mistakenly thought the song was about some kind of “bruising disease” and the little girl died of a medical condition. "Alyssa" apparently died of a beating. Sorry for that whole thing.
Update on Cat Naming Contest
The “Name That Kitty” contest advertised in the Monday edition of DFF has been suspended. Thank you so much to all of you who wrote in w/your votes and recommendations. They were of no use.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Saddened to Find Grandmother Died Flat Broke
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Nouveau Poor vs. Old Poor
In the 1990’s thousands of people acquired vast fortunes almost overnight. These individuals, once counted among the middle-class, made millions in the booming stock market. But tensions soon rose between this class of newly rich or “nouveau riche” and the old money families who had acquired and guarded their wealth for generations. Old rich criticized the new rich for being gaudy and flaunting their wealth all over the town. New rich responded by sulking and buying more goodies to heal their pain. New rich desperately wanted to prove they possessed the sophistication and refinement to be a legitimate part of the "millionaires club".
Today a much different tale is being woven on the last rungs of the economic ladder. As the bottom of the manufacturing economy has fallen out millions of Americans have joined the growing ranks of the so called “new poor”. Not surprisingly tensions have arisen between this new group of poor and the old group of poor.
In order to learn more about this trend DFF sat down with Dr. Vivica Holdclaws, of the Kansas University Institute of Suburban Studies.
Deep Fat Fryer (DFF): Viv, thanks for coming down to talk with us today.
Dr. Vivica Holdclaws (DVH): Oh please, call me Dr. Holdclaws.
DFF: Dr Holdclaws, excuse me.
DVH: (awkward silence)
DFF: (awkward silence)
DVH: Did you have some specific questions you wanted to ask me?
DFF: Sorry, yes we are doing a feature story about the assimilation of new poor into neighborhoods with already well established poor.
DVH: Frankly the trends are startling. All over America once middleclass people are falling into poverty. Upon reaching the bottom they are being met with increasing hostility from families well established in the ways of poverty. We are talking about families that became poor literally yesterday moving in next door to families that have been poor for generations. This is creating a host of problems for both parties.
DFF: What are some of the problems you think have arisen?
DVH: Issues range from an increase in wait times for domestic violence calls, pressure on already strapped social services, and. I am sorry what is that ruckus?
DFF: Shit, hold on a minute Viv. Hey you guys, shut the *%$ up. I got an interview in here.
DVH: Call me Dr. Holdclaws and I won’t remind you again.
DFF: Sorry, sorry. Jesus.
DVH: Mr. Fryer this interview is over. I have never been so disgusted in my life.
DFF: What, what happened? Don’t go.
DVH: I have never seen anything as unprofessional as this operation. You are an idiot. I sat in gum in your lobby. Your receptionist is a blowup doll. Your assistant offered me schnapps he was drinking from a paper bag. And now there are people outside your office in fisticuffs. Good day.
Real Life Country Lyrics
My little girl met a new friend, just the other day, on the playground at school between the tires and the swings
But she came home with tear-filled eyes, and she said to me "Daddy, Alyssa lies"
Well I just brushed it off at first, 'cause I didn't know how much my little girl had been hurt o'er the things she had seen. I wasn't ready when I said "You can tell me" and she said...
"Alyssa lies to the classroom, Alyssa lies everyday at school, Alyssa lies to the teachers as she tries to cover every bruise"
My little girl laid her head down that night to go to sleep. As I stepped out the room, I heard her say a prayer so soft and sweet "God bless my mom and my Dad and my new friend, Alyssa I know she needs you bad
Song: Alyssa Lies
Artist: Jason Michael Carroll
Why it makes me sick: This song has been bothering me for weeks. It has been festering and itchin’ at me. Could someone please tell me what in the hell this song is about? Anyone know what Alyssa was lying about? Also, Alyssa is killed off by the end of the song and I don’t know why/how she died. Nothing makes me feel stupider than not understanding a country song.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Blubbers, Sobs as Distant Cousin Laid to Rest
Today a much different tale is being woven on the last rungs of the economic ladder. As the bottom of the manufacturing economy has fallen out millions of Americans have joined the growing ranks of the so called “new poor”. Not surprisingly tensions have arisen between this new group of poor and the old group of poor.
In order to learn more about this trend DFF sat down with Dr. Vivica Holdclaws, of the Kansas University Institute of Suburban Studies.
Deep Fat Fryer (DFF): Viv, thanks for coming down to talk with us today.
Dr. Vivica Holdclaws (DVH): Oh please, call me Dr. Holdclaws.
DFF: Dr Holdclaws, excuse me.
DVH: (awkward silence)
DFF: (awkward silence)
DVH: Did you have some specific questions you wanted to ask me?
DFF: Sorry, yes we are doing a feature story about the assimilation of new poor into neighborhoods with already well established poor.
DVH: Frankly the trends are startling. All over America once middleclass people are falling into poverty. Upon reaching the bottom they are being met with increasing hostility from families well established in the ways of poverty. We are talking about families that became poor literally yesterday moving in next door to families that have been poor for generations. This is creating a host of problems for both parties.
DFF: What are some of the problems you think have arisen?
DVH: Issues range from an increase in wait times for domestic violence calls, pressure on already strapped social services, and. I am sorry what is that ruckus?
DFF: Shit, hold on a minute Viv. Hey you guys, shut the *%$ up. I got an interview in here.
DVH: Call me Dr. Holdclaws and I won’t remind you again.
DFF: Sorry, sorry. Jesus.
DVH: Mr. Fryer this interview is over. I have never been so disgusted in my life.
DFF: What, what happened? Don’t go.
DVH: I have never seen anything as unprofessional as this operation. You are an idiot. I sat in gum in your lobby. Your receptionist is a blowup doll. Your assistant offered me schnapps he was drinking from a paper bag. And now there are people outside your office in fisticuffs. Good day.
Real Life Country Lyrics
My little girl met a new friend, just the other day, on the playground at school between the tires and the swings
But she came home with tear-filled eyes, and she said to me "Daddy, Alyssa lies"
Well I just brushed it off at first, 'cause I didn't know how much my little girl had been hurt o'er the things she had seen. I wasn't ready when I said "You can tell me" and she said...
"Alyssa lies to the classroom, Alyssa lies everyday at school, Alyssa lies to the teachers as she tries to cover every bruise"
My little girl laid her head down that night to go to sleep. As I stepped out the room, I heard her say a prayer so soft and sweet "God bless my mom and my Dad and my new friend, Alyssa I know she needs you bad
Song: Alyssa Lies
Artist: Jason Michael Carroll
Why it makes me sick: This song has been bothering me for weeks. It has been festering and itchin’ at me. Could someone please tell me what in the hell this song is about? Anyone know what Alyssa was lying about? Also, Alyssa is killed off by the end of the song and I don’t know why/how she died. Nothing makes me feel stupider than not understanding a country song.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Blubbers, Sobs as Distant Cousin Laid to Rest
Monday, February 26, 2007
Gender Apocalypse
My sister-in-law and her fiancée will soon be honeymooning at a hotel with a spa. My wife and I were reviewing the list of spa treatments available to them (should they choose). Along w/the usual list of massages and facials we stumbled across a list of “gentlemen services”. Notable on the list were a nail service, waxing (most parts) and pedicures. But the worst of all was a service for men listed as “back facial”. I was immediately horrified and had to find out more. I learned that basically they take a man and smooth his back with a power washer. This removes all his old pimples and his back filth ($70). My god the horror, the horror. I will lose my lunch right now. I always thought us men we were expected to be kind of hairy and nasty (like big dumb wild animals). This new demand for smoothness has gone too far. At least we won’t be embarrassed when it comes time to shimmy into our backless evening gowns. Christ.
What has happened to us guys? Things have gone haywire. I got a little gender bending going down at my own house. Last night while my wife researched a complicated financial matter on the internet I:
1) did the dishes
2) mopped the kitchen floor
3) vacuumed the house
4) folded laundry
5) thumbed through the Sunday coups
Easy Bus Rider, Easy
I ride a super lame commuter bus to and from work. Nothing much interesting happens, ever. When I got on the bus Friday to go home there was a recently released prisoner (as in that afternoon) sitting in the back of the bus cursing loudly. I know she was a recently released prisoner because she kept telling everyone that, and also calling the bus driver a mother $%^. She was indeed carrying a prison goody bag with her name written on it. She was apparently on her way to stay with a friend in my town. She was not sure what stop to get off at and her coping mechanism was to yell at us. I thought for a minute what I would do if she started stabbing those around her. I didn’t come up with anything special.
Oscar Show Was Good
I did watch the entire Oscar awards program last night. My favorite part of the show is when they play the clips of all the celebrities who have died this past year. I call this “dead roll call”. I like not knowing who is going to show up on it. I sit there and go “I didn’t know she died” and “I didn’t know he died” and “how did I miss her death” and “how could they die”. It is the highlight of the evening, nay, year for me.
Name That Kitty Contest
My wife and I will shortly be welcoming a new addition to our family. We are very excited (not my wife). This cat represents a big turning point for us. I think it could possibly prepare us for maybe thinking about being parents one day. We just need to go to the pound and pick out the little four pound bundle of hair and nails. This cat will be a female. My last cat was a boy and just pissed all over everything (including my pillow one dark night). Join in the fun and help name this cat. I have narrowed it down to four names below. Vote for your favorite name by this Friday at 11am. We will reveal the name with the most votes in a special edition Friday Mail Bag. You can leave your vote in the comments section or cast your vote anonymously by emailing adam2840@yahoo.com. You can only vote once. Good luck!
a) Becky
b) Carol
c) Dorothy
d) LaJavonia
Kansas City Man Keeps Self-Hatred Super Casual
What has happened to us guys? Things have gone haywire. I got a little gender bending going down at my own house. Last night while my wife researched a complicated financial matter on the internet I:
1) did the dishes
2) mopped the kitchen floor
3) vacuumed the house
4) folded laundry
5) thumbed through the Sunday coups
Easy Bus Rider, Easy
I ride a super lame commuter bus to and from work. Nothing much interesting happens, ever. When I got on the bus Friday to go home there was a recently released prisoner (as in that afternoon) sitting in the back of the bus cursing loudly. I know she was a recently released prisoner because she kept telling everyone that, and also calling the bus driver a mother $%^. She was indeed carrying a prison goody bag with her name written on it. She was apparently on her way to stay with a friend in my town. She was not sure what stop to get off at and her coping mechanism was to yell at us. I thought for a minute what I would do if she started stabbing those around her. I didn’t come up with anything special.
Oscar Show Was Good
I did watch the entire Oscar awards program last night. My favorite part of the show is when they play the clips of all the celebrities who have died this past year. I call this “dead roll call”. I like not knowing who is going to show up on it. I sit there and go “I didn’t know she died” and “I didn’t know he died” and “how did I miss her death” and “how could they die”. It is the highlight of the evening, nay, year for me.
Name That Kitty Contest
My wife and I will shortly be welcoming a new addition to our family. We are very excited (not my wife). This cat represents a big turning point for us. I think it could possibly prepare us for maybe thinking about being parents one day. We just need to go to the pound and pick out the little four pound bundle of hair and nails. This cat will be a female. My last cat was a boy and just pissed all over everything (including my pillow one dark night). Join in the fun and help name this cat. I have narrowed it down to four names below. Vote for your favorite name by this Friday at 11am. We will reveal the name with the most votes in a special edition Friday Mail Bag. You can leave your vote in the comments section or cast your vote anonymously by emailing adam2840@yahoo.com. You can only vote once. Good luck!
a) Becky
b) Carol
c) Dorothy
d) LaJavonia
Kansas City Man Keeps Self-Hatred Super Casual
Friday, February 23, 2007
Mail Bag
Today’s mailbag is meaty folks…hang on to your hats because we got a lot of ground to cover.
Chrisi from (city withheld) writes…
Here is a weight loss tip for your fans. If you are looking for a site to track your eating and exercise habits as well as um, giving you exercises and other um, weightlossy type things to do then check out www.sparkpeople.com.
Hello Chrisi. We did a little quality control and checked out the link you sent us. Nice try, but I am afraid I can’t recommend it. The website seems to advocate the type of healthy lifestyle / balanced approach that has just never worked for us. We here at DFF are prone to extremes and for us starvation is the only key to weight loss. Thanks for writing in though.
Cathi from New York writes (on the post from 2/21)…
Well that post inspires me to wonder many things. The first one is what are you smoking at DFF? And why aren't you sharing it?
Hi Cathi, your question regarding our drug preference is a good one. Unfortunately these posts are NOT the product of chemical dependency. They are instead the product of raging boredom. The sad fact is that DFF is a drug free workplace. We work hard to keep it that way. I have confiscated more Sharpie markers and glue sticks than you would care to imagine. I guess that answers the sharing question as well. Thanks for taking the time to write.
Tandy from North Carolina writes…
My husband, and I won't mention any names, came home in utter despair this evening. He was so disappointed that you didn't respond to his mail! Sorry DFF, but if you can assist in any way, said husband would be much happier.
We are DFF are truly sorry for the oversight last week. We recently outsourced our mailroom function and the results were disastrous. It turns out the company we outsourced it too wasn’t really a company at all, but a homeless WWI veteran. Needless to say we will be bringing it back “in-house” – and leaving the homeless guy on the street. Anyway, most of the mail last week was burned to a crisp or thrown at passersby. Your husband will be receiving both the limited edition DFF fleece pullover (one size fits all) and a pocket knife commemorating the blog writer’s ascent into manhood. Hope this heals all wounds.
Ryan from (city withheld) writes…
Thank you for all of the time you put into writing your blog. Reading it ranks a close third on my list of favorite things to do at work right behind eat lunch and clock out. I have only two requests 1) keep up the good work 2) would it be possible to post your blog in the morning? I am normally bored with my job by 8:03 and need something to keep my mind off of my dead end job.
Ryan, I appreciate your appreciation for the time that goes into each carefully constructed blog post. I also cast a knowing glance at both your boredom and your dead end job. May I suggest starting a blog? Before starting the DFF I was out on the ledge every morning by 8:15. We do like to honor reader requests (at least until readership is out of the single digits) – but I am afraid the posting time will have to remain closer to 12:30pm. We are in talks with a company out of Morgantown, West Virginia to create a line of DFF themed desk items (calendars, screwdrivers, lunchpales, lap blankets, dry erase boards, picture frames, clock radios and coffee mugs). That may help some. Thanks for writing in.
Shannon from Kansas writes…
I was reading DFF and noticed that you were possibly interested in a decorator, but didn’t have the money to afford one. If you were serious, my mom used one that was fresh out of college and very cheap since she was just starting out.
Hi Shannon, thanks for writing in. The offer is tempting – but my wife and I have already paid one decorator and the results were not good at all. We decided that our mistake was straying to far from the color of beige. Our home needs to be beige! It is a mistake that will not soon be repeated. I may however keep your reference in mind for upcoming renovations of the DFF World Headquarters. Things haven’t been the same since our accountant Trish went ape shit last November (now former accountant).
Michael from North Carolina writes…
Are all your coworker’s big fans of the Deep Fat Fryer? It seems like they would all love their increased web presence.
Hello Michael and nice to hear from you. You pose an interesting question. As of press time my coworkers remain unaware of this blog. You may have noticed that over the last couple of weeks all specific references to my employment have been removed and the topic of my work seems to have vanished all together (accept the occasional mention of my Monday doldrums). This is no accident. DFF made a policy change in shifting the focus away from the blog writer’s place of business. References to specific coworkers and/or supervisors are now forbidden. Thanks for writing in (and keep watching your mailbox).
Nancee from Missouri wrote…
Thinking of DFF when I read this headline in the Star: "Web surfers beware: the boss is watching." I guess some companies are denying their employees access to all web sites unless it is work-related. Even on their lunch hour(s). That is harsh! Also...any thoughts about this year's American Idol? We're starting to separate the wheat from the chaff.
Hi Nancee, I have heard that many companies are “cracking down” on employee web privileges. We here at DFF have instituted our own sort of zero tolerance, first strike and your out policy in regards to employees caught nosing around on websites not pertaining to research for DFF projects. As for American Idol, I am not watching this year until the field is cut to 12 contestants. I will say however that from what I have seen of Paula Abdul this season – she is one plastic surgery away from turning into a complete Muppet. She is definitely dancing on the thin line between human and Muppet. Also, your use of the phrase “separate the wheat from the chaff” was inspirational.
My wife writes (on the post from 2/21)…
Good blog pumpkin. Favorite line “Oversized furniture is so in right now you guys”. Awesome.
Well hello and nice to hear from you. Glad you got a chuckle out of our “oversized furniture” line. It took us all night – but we thought that line was the crown jewel of that post too. See you at home for corn chowder!
Well that concludes another episode of Mailbag, as well as another week here in Deep Fat Fryer land. Thanks to everyone who wrote in and thanks to everyone who frequents this website. You are all my babies.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Rejuvenated After Week Doing Nothing at Work
Chrisi from (city withheld) writes…
Here is a weight loss tip for your fans. If you are looking for a site to track your eating and exercise habits as well as um, giving you exercises and other um, weightlossy type things to do then check out www.sparkpeople.com.
Hello Chrisi. We did a little quality control and checked out the link you sent us. Nice try, but I am afraid I can’t recommend it. The website seems to advocate the type of healthy lifestyle / balanced approach that has just never worked for us. We here at DFF are prone to extremes and for us starvation is the only key to weight loss. Thanks for writing in though.
Cathi from New York writes (on the post from 2/21)…
Well that post inspires me to wonder many things. The first one is what are you smoking at DFF? And why aren't you sharing it?
Hi Cathi, your question regarding our drug preference is a good one. Unfortunately these posts are NOT the product of chemical dependency. They are instead the product of raging boredom. The sad fact is that DFF is a drug free workplace. We work hard to keep it that way. I have confiscated more Sharpie markers and glue sticks than you would care to imagine. I guess that answers the sharing question as well. Thanks for taking the time to write.
Tandy from North Carolina writes…
My husband, and I won't mention any names, came home in utter despair this evening. He was so disappointed that you didn't respond to his mail! Sorry DFF, but if you can assist in any way, said husband would be much happier.
We are DFF are truly sorry for the oversight last week. We recently outsourced our mailroom function and the results were disastrous. It turns out the company we outsourced it too wasn’t really a company at all, but a homeless WWI veteran. Needless to say we will be bringing it back “in-house” – and leaving the homeless guy on the street. Anyway, most of the mail last week was burned to a crisp or thrown at passersby. Your husband will be receiving both the limited edition DFF fleece pullover (one size fits all) and a pocket knife commemorating the blog writer’s ascent into manhood. Hope this heals all wounds.
Ryan from (city withheld) writes…
Thank you for all of the time you put into writing your blog. Reading it ranks a close third on my list of favorite things to do at work right behind eat lunch and clock out. I have only two requests 1) keep up the good work 2) would it be possible to post your blog in the morning? I am normally bored with my job by 8:03 and need something to keep my mind off of my dead end job.
Ryan, I appreciate your appreciation for the time that goes into each carefully constructed blog post. I also cast a knowing glance at both your boredom and your dead end job. May I suggest starting a blog? Before starting the DFF I was out on the ledge every morning by 8:15. We do like to honor reader requests (at least until readership is out of the single digits) – but I am afraid the posting time will have to remain closer to 12:30pm. We are in talks with a company out of Morgantown, West Virginia to create a line of DFF themed desk items (calendars, screwdrivers, lunchpales, lap blankets, dry erase boards, picture frames, clock radios and coffee mugs). That may help some. Thanks for writing in.
Shannon from Kansas writes…
I was reading DFF and noticed that you were possibly interested in a decorator, but didn’t have the money to afford one. If you were serious, my mom used one that was fresh out of college and very cheap since she was just starting out.
Hi Shannon, thanks for writing in. The offer is tempting – but my wife and I have already paid one decorator and the results were not good at all. We decided that our mistake was straying to far from the color of beige. Our home needs to be beige! It is a mistake that will not soon be repeated. I may however keep your reference in mind for upcoming renovations of the DFF World Headquarters. Things haven’t been the same since our accountant Trish went ape shit last November (now former accountant).
Michael from North Carolina writes…
Are all your coworker’s big fans of the Deep Fat Fryer? It seems like they would all love their increased web presence.
Hello Michael and nice to hear from you. You pose an interesting question. As of press time my coworkers remain unaware of this blog. You may have noticed that over the last couple of weeks all specific references to my employment have been removed and the topic of my work seems to have vanished all together (accept the occasional mention of my Monday doldrums). This is no accident. DFF made a policy change in shifting the focus away from the blog writer’s place of business. References to specific coworkers and/or supervisors are now forbidden. Thanks for writing in (and keep watching your mailbox).
Nancee from Missouri wrote…
Thinking of DFF when I read this headline in the Star: "Web surfers beware: the boss is watching." I guess some companies are denying their employees access to all web sites unless it is work-related. Even on their lunch hour(s). That is harsh! Also...any thoughts about this year's American Idol? We're starting to separate the wheat from the chaff.
Hi Nancee, I have heard that many companies are “cracking down” on employee web privileges. We here at DFF have instituted our own sort of zero tolerance, first strike and your out policy in regards to employees caught nosing around on websites not pertaining to research for DFF projects. As for American Idol, I am not watching this year until the field is cut to 12 contestants. I will say however that from what I have seen of Paula Abdul this season – she is one plastic surgery away from turning into a complete Muppet. She is definitely dancing on the thin line between human and Muppet. Also, your use of the phrase “separate the wheat from the chaff” was inspirational.
My wife writes (on the post from 2/21)…
Good blog pumpkin. Favorite line “Oversized furniture is so in right now you guys”. Awesome.
Well hello and nice to hear from you. Glad you got a chuckle out of our “oversized furniture” line. It took us all night – but we thought that line was the crown jewel of that post too. See you at home for corn chowder!
Well that concludes another episode of Mailbag, as well as another week here in Deep Fat Fryer land. Thanks to everyone who wrote in and thanks to everyone who frequents this website. You are all my babies.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Rejuvenated After Week Doing Nothing at Work
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Enough Already! Bring Clinton/Obama Together for Their Certain Defeat
I am really getting hacked about the squabbling b/w Hillary Clinton and Barrack Obama. Isn’t it a bit early for this? Aren’t we still almost two years away from the election? These two are going to tear each other apart before the first primary. The potential here is that they could make themselves so unlikable that the door swings open just wide enough for John Kerry to come oozing on through. I can’t watch another Kerry campaign, I can’t and I won’t. Clinton and Obama need to play nice, at least for now.
If I were Democratic National Chairperson Howard Dean I would get Clinton and Obama in a conference room together ASAP. I would make available Dasani bottled water and fresh baked chocolate chip cookies. I would start by having them reintroduce themselves to each other (Hi, I’m Hillary - Hi, I’m Barrack). I would have them sit in chairs across from each other (so they could look into each other eyes). I would make them say all the filthy and hateful things they have been saying about each other – right into the other persons mug. I would stand at the dry erase board and write down what they were saying. The three of us would then go over each of the comments in detail. I think this would pretty much take care of the problem(s). I would end the session by declaring both of them the next President of the United States of America. They would think that was weird – but thank me for intervening. After I was sure they were gone I would take the remaining cookies and stuff them in my satchel.
Advice for the New Widows (sorry for your loss)
So you think you are ready to start dating again? Not so fast. Don’t even think about heading out to those martini bars and juke joints yet. We need to talk. The dating world has changed since you and your “Harold” or “Dick” was courting all those years ago. Ladies, the competition for available older gentlemen has gotten fierce (especially for bigger gals).
The first thing we need you to do is a little “self-inventory”. By completing this exercise you will identify what your potential strengths and weakness will be in the dating world.
What you will need: full length mirror, chair, pen, sheet of paper
How to do it: Sit in front of the mirror. With your pencil, draw a line down the center of your paper. On one side of your paper you will list all of the positive things about yourself. Include any desirable physical qualities, personal characteristics, particularly strong senses, etc. On the other side of the paper you will list all your negative qualities (draw a frowny face near the top of the column if that helps you).
Here is my personal example:
Positives: muscles, sense of humor, strong hearing, compassionate
Negatives: poor vision, no work ethic, chicken legs, extremely defensive, no athleticism
That is just my example. Your own list can be as long as is necessary. Really think about your negative traits. Think about them good and hard. As you head into the dating world it is important to acknowledge what it is other people likely already recognize about you. By being honest w/yourself you can do a better job of mitigating those faults. Example – I was able to not act extremely defensive about my chicken legs until after my wedding day.
Next you will want to create a list of the attributes that you are looking for in a partner. You can’t start dating until you know what you are looking for!! You should again create two separate columns. In one column you should list the things you absolutely can’t live w/out in a companion. In the other column list the things you would like in a partner, but are not necessarily what we would call “deal breakers”.
Here is an example:
Characteristics I must have: rich, loaded, big money, cash-cow, pay day
Characteristics that would be nice – but I can live without: healthiness, niceness
Use those characteristics as guide to evaluate all potential suitors. If, as in our example, it is money you are after – find a clever way of inquiring if the old coot is sitting on a fortune.
That is enough for today. You have no doubt created two excellent lists. Fold up your lists and place them in the top drawer of your deceased husband’s nightstand. Maybe you check back here next week and we’ll pick this up exercise up again, until then NO dating.
Quote of the Week I
“Now I feel stupid”
…this from a Wisconsin man arrested after kicking in the door to a neighbor’s apartment. The man had mistaken the sounds of an adult film feature for an actual sexual assault. He was arrested and is being charged with many things.
Quote of the Week II
“I had the sword extended, but that was all”
…again from the Wisconsin man who broke his neighbor’s door down, this time on charges that he threatened his neighbor with a sword upon bursting into his apartment.
Random News
The most exciting thing in the world happened to me. My family actually had a jar of that tainted ass peanut butter. We had nearly eaten the whole jar when the recall came out. I have never been on the receiving end of a recall. It was every bit as exciting as I thought it would be. I ate that pb for lunch every day for three weeks. I could have died.
Oh, get your comments or questions in today if you wish to be included in a special edition Friday Mail Bag. You can drop us a line at adam2840@yahoo.com.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Knows His Pants Are Too Short, Move it Along Now
If I were Democratic National Chairperson Howard Dean I would get Clinton and Obama in a conference room together ASAP. I would make available Dasani bottled water and fresh baked chocolate chip cookies. I would start by having them reintroduce themselves to each other (Hi, I’m Hillary - Hi, I’m Barrack). I would have them sit in chairs across from each other (so they could look into each other eyes). I would make them say all the filthy and hateful things they have been saying about each other – right into the other persons mug. I would stand at the dry erase board and write down what they were saying. The three of us would then go over each of the comments in detail. I think this would pretty much take care of the problem(s). I would end the session by declaring both of them the next President of the United States of America. They would think that was weird – but thank me for intervening. After I was sure they were gone I would take the remaining cookies and stuff them in my satchel.
Advice for the New Widows (sorry for your loss)
So you think you are ready to start dating again? Not so fast. Don’t even think about heading out to those martini bars and juke joints yet. We need to talk. The dating world has changed since you and your “Harold” or “Dick” was courting all those years ago. Ladies, the competition for available older gentlemen has gotten fierce (especially for bigger gals).
The first thing we need you to do is a little “self-inventory”. By completing this exercise you will identify what your potential strengths and weakness will be in the dating world.
What you will need: full length mirror, chair, pen, sheet of paper
How to do it: Sit in front of the mirror. With your pencil, draw a line down the center of your paper. On one side of your paper you will list all of the positive things about yourself. Include any desirable physical qualities, personal characteristics, particularly strong senses, etc. On the other side of the paper you will list all your negative qualities (draw a frowny face near the top of the column if that helps you).
Here is my personal example:
Positives: muscles, sense of humor, strong hearing, compassionate
Negatives: poor vision, no work ethic, chicken legs, extremely defensive, no athleticism
That is just my example. Your own list can be as long as is necessary. Really think about your negative traits. Think about them good and hard. As you head into the dating world it is important to acknowledge what it is other people likely already recognize about you. By being honest w/yourself you can do a better job of mitigating those faults. Example – I was able to not act extremely defensive about my chicken legs until after my wedding day.
Next you will want to create a list of the attributes that you are looking for in a partner. You can’t start dating until you know what you are looking for!! You should again create two separate columns. In one column you should list the things you absolutely can’t live w/out in a companion. In the other column list the things you would like in a partner, but are not necessarily what we would call “deal breakers”.
Here is an example:
Characteristics I must have: rich, loaded, big money, cash-cow, pay day
Characteristics that would be nice – but I can live without: healthiness, niceness
Use those characteristics as guide to evaluate all potential suitors. If, as in our example, it is money you are after – find a clever way of inquiring if the old coot is sitting on a fortune.
That is enough for today. You have no doubt created two excellent lists. Fold up your lists and place them in the top drawer of your deceased husband’s nightstand. Maybe you check back here next week and we’ll pick this up exercise up again, until then NO dating.
Quote of the Week I
“Now I feel stupid”
…this from a Wisconsin man arrested after kicking in the door to a neighbor’s apartment. The man had mistaken the sounds of an adult film feature for an actual sexual assault. He was arrested and is being charged with many things.
Quote of the Week II
“I had the sword extended, but that was all”
…again from the Wisconsin man who broke his neighbor’s door down, this time on charges that he threatened his neighbor with a sword upon bursting into his apartment.
Random News
The most exciting thing in the world happened to me. My family actually had a jar of that tainted ass peanut butter. We had nearly eaten the whole jar when the recall came out. I have never been on the receiving end of a recall. It was every bit as exciting as I thought it would be. I ate that pb for lunch every day for three weeks. I could have died.
Oh, get your comments or questions in today if you wish to be included in a special edition Friday Mail Bag. You can drop us a line at adam2840@yahoo.com.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Knows His Pants Are Too Short, Move it Along Now
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Come for the Funny, Stay for the Inspiration
As I searched for something to write about today it hit me like a ton of bricks. I knew what I had to do. I should be more of an inspiration (like Oprah). Now I am no media mogul. I have no vast empire of fans. I have no legion of workers catering to my every whim. All this is clear. But what I do have is the ability to rip off the very lucrative ideas of others (like Oprah). So today will be “inspiration day” here on the Deep Fat Fryer (DFF). Today I will dedicate myself to improving your life – the Oprah way. We will need a slogan. Oprah uses “Live Your Best Life”. That is a good one. Let’s go with “Be the Best at Living Your Life”. Okay, get ready to be inspired. Here we go.
Get Inspired By Decorating
We wanted to pull out all the stops today and hire us a real “Lifestyle Expert” (i.e. decorator). Oprah uses Nate Berkus in this role. He wouldn’t return our phone calls. But we were able to track down his college roommate Theodore Mankins. Theodore was wholly unhelpful. He is apparently some sort of financial advisor. He hasn’t spoken with Nate in years. He also had no advice on how to turn your dilapidated back porch into a neighborhood hot spot. With both Nate and his former roommate no longer an option we were left to rummage through the phone book. To be frank we simply could not afford anyone. But the DFF staff did pull on all-nighter to come up with the following two pieces of decorating advice:
1) Let your accessories tell the story of you.
2) Oversized furniture is so in right now you guys.
Book Club – Book of the Month
This is a tough one. We simply couldn’t find anyone on the DFF staff who has read much of anything. We did find one guy who just completed the self-titled autobiography of adult film star Samantha Smokin. He tells us that most of the book centers on Smokin’s down and out childhood in storm ravaged Tupelo, Mississippi (peppered with accusations against former NBC News anchor Tom Brokaw). So our first book of the month is Samantha Smokin: Against a Rising Tide and also Tom Brokaw. Go ahead and read that and tell us what you think.
Our Favorite Things
Those of you familiar with the Oprah television program are well aware that Oprah frequently uses her bully pulpit to share with us many of the products that bring her temporary joy. Oprah calls this segment “My Favorite Things”. Companies covet a spot in this showcase. Oprah also hands out these products to the members of her studio audience. Well you are not getting anything. But here are a few of DFF’s favorite things anyway.
1) Morning Star Vegetarian Bacon
2) Nike Running Shoes
3) Corn Chowder
4) Coffee
5) Cheerios
Weight Loss
A frequent theme of Oprah’s show is how to get her minions to slim down a bit. We at DFF are in a bad place ourselves and just have no advice for you on this.
Faith
Oprah frequently lists her faith as the reason for all of her good work in life. We really can’t help you here either. The premature death of Anna Nicole Smith has left much of our staff in a tailspin (why god, why?).
Philanthropy
Oprah makes it a regular part of her show to highlight her philanthropic work. Well DFF is broke people. We ain’t giving nothing to nobody. The next charity who calls our office will get a whistle in their ear hole.
Wrapping It Up
Well I hope you have enjoyed all of this inspiration. We have certainly enjoyed bringing it to you. It is my hope that you will go out and be inspired in your life and “be the best at living your life”. You can’t all be as good as Oprah. But you can definitely be better than me.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Wins Pie Eating Contest, Not So Proud After All
Get Inspired By Decorating
We wanted to pull out all the stops today and hire us a real “Lifestyle Expert” (i.e. decorator). Oprah uses Nate Berkus in this role. He wouldn’t return our phone calls. But we were able to track down his college roommate Theodore Mankins. Theodore was wholly unhelpful. He is apparently some sort of financial advisor. He hasn’t spoken with Nate in years. He also had no advice on how to turn your dilapidated back porch into a neighborhood hot spot. With both Nate and his former roommate no longer an option we were left to rummage through the phone book. To be frank we simply could not afford anyone. But the DFF staff did pull on all-nighter to come up with the following two pieces of decorating advice:
1) Let your accessories tell the story of you.
2) Oversized furniture is so in right now you guys.
Book Club – Book of the Month
This is a tough one. We simply couldn’t find anyone on the DFF staff who has read much of anything. We did find one guy who just completed the self-titled autobiography of adult film star Samantha Smokin. He tells us that most of the book centers on Smokin’s down and out childhood in storm ravaged Tupelo, Mississippi (peppered with accusations against former NBC News anchor Tom Brokaw). So our first book of the month is Samantha Smokin: Against a Rising Tide and also Tom Brokaw. Go ahead and read that and tell us what you think.
Our Favorite Things
Those of you familiar with the Oprah television program are well aware that Oprah frequently uses her bully pulpit to share with us many of the products that bring her temporary joy. Oprah calls this segment “My Favorite Things”. Companies covet a spot in this showcase. Oprah also hands out these products to the members of her studio audience. Well you are not getting anything. But here are a few of DFF’s favorite things anyway.
1) Morning Star Vegetarian Bacon
2) Nike Running Shoes
3) Corn Chowder
4) Coffee
5) Cheerios
Weight Loss
A frequent theme of Oprah’s show is how to get her minions to slim down a bit. We at DFF are in a bad place ourselves and just have no advice for you on this.
Faith
Oprah frequently lists her faith as the reason for all of her good work in life. We really can’t help you here either. The premature death of Anna Nicole Smith has left much of our staff in a tailspin (why god, why?).
Philanthropy
Oprah makes it a regular part of her show to highlight her philanthropic work. Well DFF is broke people. We ain’t giving nothing to nobody. The next charity who calls our office will get a whistle in their ear hole.
Wrapping It Up
Well I hope you have enjoyed all of this inspiration. We have certainly enjoyed bringing it to you. It is my hope that you will go out and be inspired in your life and “be the best at living your life”. You can’t all be as good as Oprah. But you can definitely be better than me.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Wins Pie Eating Contest, Not So Proud After All
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Three Day Weekend Over, Office Drone Plunges Back Into Abyss
Well my three day weekend is over. I am back at work and snuggled up with my monitor and work coffee cup. The depression has not been nearly as bad as I thought it would be. I have cheered myself up by remembering that I do get paid to be here everyday.
I am also cheered up because the weather has taken a turn for the better. I was able to stand in the driveway yesterday and wash the cars w/out sustaining frostbite or wiping out on ice.
TV Show Recommendation
If you are not watching the ABC show “Wife Swap” you are making a HUGE mistake. What a guilty little pleasure that is. Last nights episode was just genius. The swapped an urban California mom with an Iowa farmer mom. The sparks flew in both households as the two worlds collided. It is really top drawer drama.
New Light Fixture in Dining Room Installed
My mission to replace all 36 of our new home’s gold fixtures continues. This weekend we replaced the gold clad candle-monster chandelier in our dining room. The project took me three times as long as the box said it would. What the box didn’t say is that you need three hands. You need one set to do the wiring and an additional hand to hold up the fixture. I also think the new fixture came with several additional and seemingly unnecessary “wires”. When I left for work this morning the dining room was not on fire.
Oh, the ugly dining room paint is not going anywhere. My mother-in-law said it looks fine and we have nothing to be ashamed of. The coral paint stays!!
Movie Pick: Little Miss Sunshine
If you haven’t seen it yet, tell your boss you have a hernia and get over to a Blockbuster or Hollywood video. It is an awesome flick about a family taking a road trip to enter the little girl into a beauty contest. What an epic ride this family takes. Here is a movie that actually lives up to all the hype I just gave it.
Real Life Country Music Lyrics
I see her layin' by the poolside every day
She ain't got a lot on
She ain't got a lot to say
She wouldn't look my way
But buddy, what do you expect
I'm just the fix-it-up boy at the apartment complex
And she'll go out dancin' 'bout seven-fifteen
Climb into the back of a long limosine
I know where she's goin'
She's goin' downtown
I'm goin' downtown too, and take a look around
Song: High Maintenance Woman
Artist: Toby Keith
Why it makes me sick: Who writes this trash? I don’t even know where to begin with this one. The whole song seems to be about finding a way to fit a “high maintenance woman” together with an actual maintenance man. Well that is just dang clever. Not only is it retarded - but Keith actually scores extra here for the creepy feel of the whole song. Why is he following her? Ladies don't like that at all. I would also point out the unlikeness that someone living in an apartment would be taking a limo to a dance hall. Not everyone who lives in apartments is rich.
Mail Bag Update
The DFF offices were closed on Monday. Mail Bag Wednesday will be pushed back to Friday this week. Please submit any comments or questions by Thursday at midnight. You can also email them directly to adam2840@yahoo.com.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Searches for Truth, Falls Asleep Watching Oprah
I am also cheered up because the weather has taken a turn for the better. I was able to stand in the driveway yesterday and wash the cars w/out sustaining frostbite or wiping out on ice.
TV Show Recommendation
If you are not watching the ABC show “Wife Swap” you are making a HUGE mistake. What a guilty little pleasure that is. Last nights episode was just genius. The swapped an urban California mom with an Iowa farmer mom. The sparks flew in both households as the two worlds collided. It is really top drawer drama.
New Light Fixture in Dining Room Installed
My mission to replace all 36 of our new home’s gold fixtures continues. This weekend we replaced the gold clad candle-monster chandelier in our dining room. The project took me three times as long as the box said it would. What the box didn’t say is that you need three hands. You need one set to do the wiring and an additional hand to hold up the fixture. I also think the new fixture came with several additional and seemingly unnecessary “wires”. When I left for work this morning the dining room was not on fire.
Oh, the ugly dining room paint is not going anywhere. My mother-in-law said it looks fine and we have nothing to be ashamed of. The coral paint stays!!
Movie Pick: Little Miss Sunshine
If you haven’t seen it yet, tell your boss you have a hernia and get over to a Blockbuster or Hollywood video. It is an awesome flick about a family taking a road trip to enter the little girl into a beauty contest. What an epic ride this family takes. Here is a movie that actually lives up to all the hype I just gave it.
Real Life Country Music Lyrics
I see her layin' by the poolside every day
She ain't got a lot on
She ain't got a lot to say
She wouldn't look my way
But buddy, what do you expect
I'm just the fix-it-up boy at the apartment complex
And she'll go out dancin' 'bout seven-fifteen
Climb into the back of a long limosine
I know where she's goin'
She's goin' downtown
I'm goin' downtown too, and take a look around
Song: High Maintenance Woman
Artist: Toby Keith
Why it makes me sick: Who writes this trash? I don’t even know where to begin with this one. The whole song seems to be about finding a way to fit a “high maintenance woman” together with an actual maintenance man. Well that is just dang clever. Not only is it retarded - but Keith actually scores extra here for the creepy feel of the whole song. Why is he following her? Ladies don't like that at all. I would also point out the unlikeness that someone living in an apartment would be taking a limo to a dance hall. Not everyone who lives in apartments is rich.
Mail Bag Update
The DFF offices were closed on Monday. Mail Bag Wednesday will be pushed back to Friday this week. Please submit any comments or questions by Thursday at midnight. You can also email them directly to adam2840@yahoo.com.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Searches for Truth, Falls Asleep Watching Oprah
Friday, February 16, 2007
Visions of Three Day Weekend Dance in Head of Office Flunky
It is the day every beaten down office drone dreams of – the dawn of a three day weekend. Monday is President’s Day! I will celebrate with a much needed and much deserved day of leisure.
U.S. Presidents of My Lifetime (Listed Chronologically)
1) Jimmy Carter – I spent much of his Presidency just trying to get my enormous baby body to walk. I have no memories of his term.
2) Ronald Reagan – I was told as soon as I could listen that I should be grateful to President Reagan. My mom insisted that he had restored American dignity after the hostage crisis in Iran. She said he had given us our swagger back and made us all feel good about being American again. I bought that and felt superior to the Russians as a toddler.
3) George Bush I – Here is where I learned a President could be mocked. It seemed every other week this old man was doing something that got him ridiculed by Dana Carvey. I also developed my own Bush impersonation – which I remember using to impress my 4th grade crush, Melinda.
4) William Jefferson Clinton – I cast my first vote in 1996 for this man. He rewarded my vote by being impeached. Clinton taught me that politicians can be both great and hugely disappointing.
5) George Bush II – First I was angry over Bush winning “Bush v. Gore”. I also voted in Florida in that election and I don’t know if I punched properly or not. Then I was not mad for a while after 9/11 because that seemed like it could get me hurt. I wore a tiny American flag on my shirt and spoke out against terrors. Then I got mad again. I am still mad.
6) Rudolph Giuliani – I am hitching my wagon to Mr. Giuliani. He is TOUGH on crime – but soft on liberals.
Snowstorm Causes Airplane Hysteria
I was saddened this week by the stories of Jet Blue passengers stuck on runways in New York City for hours. I was not saddened that this happened. There are no guarantees in air travel. Both your life and your time are up for grabs. I was saddened by the media’s portrayal of these passengers as “victims”. Being locked in a temperature controlled airplane for a few hours does not qualify you as the victim of the century. The passengers were compensated with full refunds and free roundtrip airfare.
I even heard calls this week for some kind of passenger bill of rights. These would be government regulations that would guarantee passengers certain treatment by the airlines. As a former airline worker I think that is ridiculous, just ludicrous. Let’s get real people. You have to face the fact that when you are in an airport you have NO control. It doesn’t matter how loud you scream, or how many of your family members are dead and dying. You don’t control when you go anywhere. If you don’t like it – drive. Air travel isn’t the “build-a-burger” menu at Chili’s. You don’t get to decide anything. Inconvenience is a fact of life. How about being grateful that you don’t have to sit behind an oxen ass for 4 months to get to San Francisco?
Weekend Agenda
1) If temperatures above freezing – use garden hose to spray down salt encapsulated cars
2) Visit Starbucks twice (stay away from dessert case – is all stale)
3) Try putting pecans in homemade waffles, eat ‘em gone
4) Wife and I try to figure out what in hell to do with pink dining room
5) Convince wife of unimportance of caulking shower (strictly cosmetic)
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Resents Criticism of Transfats
U.S. Presidents of My Lifetime (Listed Chronologically)
1) Jimmy Carter – I spent much of his Presidency just trying to get my enormous baby body to walk. I have no memories of his term.
2) Ronald Reagan – I was told as soon as I could listen that I should be grateful to President Reagan. My mom insisted that he had restored American dignity after the hostage crisis in Iran. She said he had given us our swagger back and made us all feel good about being American again. I bought that and felt superior to the Russians as a toddler.
3) George Bush I – Here is where I learned a President could be mocked. It seemed every other week this old man was doing something that got him ridiculed by Dana Carvey. I also developed my own Bush impersonation – which I remember using to impress my 4th grade crush, Melinda.
4) William Jefferson Clinton – I cast my first vote in 1996 for this man. He rewarded my vote by being impeached. Clinton taught me that politicians can be both great and hugely disappointing.
5) George Bush II – First I was angry over Bush winning “Bush v. Gore”. I also voted in Florida in that election and I don’t know if I punched properly or not. Then I was not mad for a while after 9/11 because that seemed like it could get me hurt. I wore a tiny American flag on my shirt and spoke out against terrors. Then I got mad again. I am still mad.
6) Rudolph Giuliani – I am hitching my wagon to Mr. Giuliani. He is TOUGH on crime – but soft on liberals.
Snowstorm Causes Airplane Hysteria
I was saddened this week by the stories of Jet Blue passengers stuck on runways in New York City for hours. I was not saddened that this happened. There are no guarantees in air travel. Both your life and your time are up for grabs. I was saddened by the media’s portrayal of these passengers as “victims”. Being locked in a temperature controlled airplane for a few hours does not qualify you as the victim of the century. The passengers were compensated with full refunds and free roundtrip airfare.
I even heard calls this week for some kind of passenger bill of rights. These would be government regulations that would guarantee passengers certain treatment by the airlines. As a former airline worker I think that is ridiculous, just ludicrous. Let’s get real people. You have to face the fact that when you are in an airport you have NO control. It doesn’t matter how loud you scream, or how many of your family members are dead and dying. You don’t control when you go anywhere. If you don’t like it – drive. Air travel isn’t the “build-a-burger” menu at Chili’s. You don’t get to decide anything. Inconvenience is a fact of life. How about being grateful that you don’t have to sit behind an oxen ass for 4 months to get to San Francisco?
Weekend Agenda
1) If temperatures above freezing – use garden hose to spray down salt encapsulated cars
2) Visit Starbucks twice (stay away from dessert case – is all stale)
3) Try putting pecans in homemade waffles, eat ‘em gone
4) Wife and I try to figure out what in hell to do with pink dining room
5) Convince wife of unimportance of caulking shower (strictly cosmetic)
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Resents Criticism of Transfats
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Misunderstanding w/Interior Decorator Leads to Pepto-Bismol Colored Dining Room
Our house is in tumult. The painting of our dining room has gone horribly wrong. My wife and I got a bad tip from a decorator lady (hired specifically so we could avoid a hot pink dining room). The room is horrifying and needs to be torn down and never spoken of again. It is literally painful on the eyes. The room is so bright it actually glows in the dark.
Congressman Charged
A former Republican Pennsylvania congressman was accused Wednesday of exposing himself to two women at a Florida beach resort. Joseph M. McDade, 75, was issued a summons on a charge of exposure of sexual organs, a misdemeanor that carries up to a year in jail and a $1,000 fine.
Here is the phone conversation that I imagine took place between McDade and his son:
Son: Dad, this is your son.
Rep. McDade (RM): Hi son, well you have probably heard by now that I am being charged with exposing myself.
Son: Yeah dad, it’s all over the news.
RM: The media is twisting this whole thing around and turning it into something it is not. It was a perfectly innocent…
Son: Jesus dad! Did you flash your junk at those girls?!!
RM: Yes.
Top 10 Signs of You Have Seasonal Depression
This is the time of year when many of us in dreary winter climates succumb to those seasonal doldrums. Short days and lack of sunlight leave us homebound and spiraling downward. In a recent “Deep Fat Fryer” survey nearly 98% of those polled admitted to experiencing some kind of seasonal malaise. Here are the warning signs that you or a loved are on the verge of suicide.
10) No longer taking pleasure in activities that used to seem interesting or erotic
9) A workday that is seemingly endless and unrewarding
8) Snapping and picking fights with your spouse and/or your bus driver
7) Extreme thirstiness followed by overproduction of saliva
6) Sudden weight gain caused by overeating
5) Sudden weight loss caused by under-eating
4) No longer being able to stand the sight of your children or pets
3) Loud weeping, followed by eerie silence and then crying some more
2) Becoming forgetful (leaving the stove on, driving off w/out paying for gas, etc.)
1) Overspending on bedroom how-to guides
Funny Bush Quote
Bush’s response to reporter’s question about being frustrated with the progress of the war in Iraq…
THE PRESIDENT: Frustrated? Sometimes I'm frustrated. Rarely surprised. Sometimes I'm happy. This is -- but war is not a time of joy. These aren't joyous times. These are challenging times, and they're difficult times, and they're straining the psyche of our country. I understand that. You know, nobody likes to see innocent people die. Nobody wants to turn on their TV on a daily basis and see havoc wrought by terrorists. And our question is, do we have the capacity and the desire to spread peace by confronting these terrorists, and supporting those who want to live in liberty? That's the question. And my answer to that question is, we must. We owe it to future generations to do so.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Passed Up for Promotion, Too Lazy to Find Out Why
Congressman Charged
A former Republican Pennsylvania congressman was accused Wednesday of exposing himself to two women at a Florida beach resort. Joseph M. McDade, 75, was issued a summons on a charge of exposure of sexual organs, a misdemeanor that carries up to a year in jail and a $1,000 fine.
Here is the phone conversation that I imagine took place between McDade and his son:
Son: Dad, this is your son.
Rep. McDade (RM): Hi son, well you have probably heard by now that I am being charged with exposing myself.
Son: Yeah dad, it’s all over the news.
RM: The media is twisting this whole thing around and turning it into something it is not. It was a perfectly innocent…
Son: Jesus dad! Did you flash your junk at those girls?!!
RM: Yes.
Top 10 Signs of You Have Seasonal Depression
This is the time of year when many of us in dreary winter climates succumb to those seasonal doldrums. Short days and lack of sunlight leave us homebound and spiraling downward. In a recent “Deep Fat Fryer” survey nearly 98% of those polled admitted to experiencing some kind of seasonal malaise. Here are the warning signs that you or a loved are on the verge of suicide.
10) No longer taking pleasure in activities that used to seem interesting or erotic
9) A workday that is seemingly endless and unrewarding
8) Snapping and picking fights with your spouse and/or your bus driver
7) Extreme thirstiness followed by overproduction of saliva
6) Sudden weight gain caused by overeating
5) Sudden weight loss caused by under-eating
4) No longer being able to stand the sight of your children or pets
3) Loud weeping, followed by eerie silence and then crying some more
2) Becoming forgetful (leaving the stove on, driving off w/out paying for gas, etc.)
1) Overspending on bedroom how-to guides
Funny Bush Quote
Bush’s response to reporter’s question about being frustrated with the progress of the war in Iraq…
THE PRESIDENT: Frustrated? Sometimes I'm frustrated. Rarely surprised. Sometimes I'm happy. This is -- but war is not a time of joy. These aren't joyous times. These are challenging times, and they're difficult times, and they're straining the psyche of our country. I understand that. You know, nobody likes to see innocent people die. Nobody wants to turn on their TV on a daily basis and see havoc wrought by terrorists. And our question is, do we have the capacity and the desire to spread peace by confronting these terrorists, and supporting those who want to live in liberty? That's the question. And my answer to that question is, we must. We owe it to future generations to do so.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Passed Up for Promotion, Too Lazy to Find Out Why
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Mail Bag
Cathi from New York wrote…
Funny you should mention your Wal-Mart boycott. Recently, I high-tailed it out of a snooty Target and back to my roots at Wal-Mart. Target is on my bad list right now due to a stalking incident involving a power hungry Target worker, me, and four kids.
Hi Cathi, it is good to hear from you. So it seems like we are all scampering back to the Wal-Mart. Target HAS gotten a little snooty. Not to mention that their foray into home décor is robbing Pier One of market share. Well I hope your Wal-Mart is nicer than the one I have begun frequenting. The whole place has a bad vibe. The checkout area looks like the line for the gates of hell. I have never seen such a bunch of sourpusses. Good luck with your boycott. Stay strong sister!
Heather from New York wrote…
Keep up the good work. With 2 little kids at home I need a break from my reality sometimes. I also hate Wal-Mart as we all know but you gotta do what you gotta do when you are cheap and/or poor.
Thanks for writing! We are always happy to welcome a new reader. Start watching your mailbox for a signed copy of my latest tell-all book Grease Splatter. Yes having two small children at home must be tough. We are always happy to help someone break from his/her reality for a short while. As for Wal-Mart, I myself have begun to search for humor there. On Sunday I had a cashier confess to me that she no longer felt like a “real person” and that my choosing her line over the self-checkout kiosk was meaningless.
Tandy from North Carolina wrote…
We would like a clarification. Did your wife think she would slip on the kitty litter or the original leak? This has been perplexing us all weekend.
Also, are you still repulsed by Phillip Seymour Hoffman? We saw a movie with him over the weekend in which he looked especially sausagey.
Hello Tandy, thanks for writing. The post about my wife slipping in the garage seems to have caused all sorts of confusion. My wife thought she would slip on both the original leak and on the now super slick kitty litter. Though I have never actually seen or heard of her falling – her fear is quite palpable.
Phillip Seymour Hoffman is the worst actor of our time and yes I am still repulsed by that gremlin. I am confounded as to how this man continues to be cast in the role of a human.
Ryan (city withheld) wrote…
Deep Fat Fryer, what effect will Anna Nicole Smiths death play on the 2008 presidential election race, war in Iraq, national debt, health care, and global warming?
Good question Ryan. The untimely passing of starlet Anna Nicole Smith will likely have lasting effects on our country. In the coming months the war in Iraq will take a backseat, while the custody battle for Smith’s baby takes shape. This could divide our fractured nation even further. The 2008 presidential candidates will be forced to choose between Howard K. Stern, Larry Birkhead or Frederic von Anhalt (all of whom are claiming to be the father of baby Dannielynn). Anna Nicole’s death could also reinvigorate the debate over some kind of national healthcare system for former Playboy centerfolds. It is thought that Smith went without treatment for a host of aliments. Smith’s death may also revive the flickering “green movement”. Smith was a recent convert to renewable energy in her car and home, she could become the dead face of anti global warming activism.
Nancee from Missouri wrote…
So, I bet you were actually looking forward to going to work on Monday morning, if only to get away from wallpaper!
Hi Nancee, yes work did offer a brief respite from the horrors of wallpaper removal. But “looking forward to going to work” might be a bit of a stretch. Deep Fat Fryer can’t remember a time when that has ever happened.
My wife wrote…
The title of your post on 2/12 was spelled incorrectly. You confused “fury” and “furry”. A bunny has a “furry” coat. A person would have “fury” at someone or something.
Hey Honey. Thanks for pointing that out. I have made that very necessary correction.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Completes Debut Novel, Spicy Ending Leaves Wife Up in Arms
Funny you should mention your Wal-Mart boycott. Recently, I high-tailed it out of a snooty Target and back to my roots at Wal-Mart. Target is on my bad list right now due to a stalking incident involving a power hungry Target worker, me, and four kids.
Hi Cathi, it is good to hear from you. So it seems like we are all scampering back to the Wal-Mart. Target HAS gotten a little snooty. Not to mention that their foray into home décor is robbing Pier One of market share. Well I hope your Wal-Mart is nicer than the one I have begun frequenting. The whole place has a bad vibe. The checkout area looks like the line for the gates of hell. I have never seen such a bunch of sourpusses. Good luck with your boycott. Stay strong sister!
Heather from New York wrote…
Keep up the good work. With 2 little kids at home I need a break from my reality sometimes. I also hate Wal-Mart as we all know but you gotta do what you gotta do when you are cheap and/or poor.
Thanks for writing! We are always happy to welcome a new reader. Start watching your mailbox for a signed copy of my latest tell-all book Grease Splatter. Yes having two small children at home must be tough. We are always happy to help someone break from his/her reality for a short while. As for Wal-Mart, I myself have begun to search for humor there. On Sunday I had a cashier confess to me that she no longer felt like a “real person” and that my choosing her line over the self-checkout kiosk was meaningless.
Tandy from North Carolina wrote…
We would like a clarification. Did your wife think she would slip on the kitty litter or the original leak? This has been perplexing us all weekend.
Also, are you still repulsed by Phillip Seymour Hoffman? We saw a movie with him over the weekend in which he looked especially sausagey.
Hello Tandy, thanks for writing. The post about my wife slipping in the garage seems to have caused all sorts of confusion. My wife thought she would slip on both the original leak and on the now super slick kitty litter. Though I have never actually seen or heard of her falling – her fear is quite palpable.
Phillip Seymour Hoffman is the worst actor of our time and yes I am still repulsed by that gremlin. I am confounded as to how this man continues to be cast in the role of a human.
Ryan (city withheld) wrote…
Deep Fat Fryer, what effect will Anna Nicole Smiths death play on the 2008 presidential election race, war in Iraq, national debt, health care, and global warming?
Good question Ryan. The untimely passing of starlet Anna Nicole Smith will likely have lasting effects on our country. In the coming months the war in Iraq will take a backseat, while the custody battle for Smith’s baby takes shape. This could divide our fractured nation even further. The 2008 presidential candidates will be forced to choose between Howard K. Stern, Larry Birkhead or Frederic von Anhalt (all of whom are claiming to be the father of baby Dannielynn). Anna Nicole’s death could also reinvigorate the debate over some kind of national healthcare system for former Playboy centerfolds. It is thought that Smith went without treatment for a host of aliments. Smith’s death may also revive the flickering “green movement”. Smith was a recent convert to renewable energy in her car and home, she could become the dead face of anti global warming activism.
Nancee from Missouri wrote…
So, I bet you were actually looking forward to going to work on Monday morning, if only to get away from wallpaper!
Hi Nancee, yes work did offer a brief respite from the horrors of wallpaper removal. But “looking forward to going to work” might be a bit of a stretch. Deep Fat Fryer can’t remember a time when that has ever happened.
My wife wrote…
The title of your post on 2/12 was spelled incorrectly. You confused “fury” and “furry”. A bunny has a “furry” coat. A person would have “fury” at someone or something.
Hey Honey. Thanks for pointing that out. I have made that very necessary correction.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Completes Debut Novel, Spicy Ending Leaves Wife Up in Arms
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Bad Weather Puts Deep Fat Fryer On Ice
The weather has gone foul once again. I actually did attempt to go to work today. I got as far as a ½ mile from my house and turned around. My car is not one for the snow and ice. The car only weights about 200 pounds. So my day is now being spent painting the rest of our dining room and grazing on kitchen bounty. So far today I have eaten: a taco, two cookies, a slice of pizza and two cup of coffee. Future plans for snacks include: more coffee and a bowl of cereal.
I am really enjoying being home today. As I painted I listened to an episode of the television program “The View”. I have been VERY critical of Rosie O’Donnell for her lack of femininity. My wife boils at any criticism of this woman. In listening to “The View” today I realized that I am completely justified in any and all criticism (both of O’Donnell and The View). Today the panel of ladies amused themselves by reducing famous actor John Stamos to a mere sex symbol. I am not sure of the name, but one of those women kept screaming at Stamos to remove his shirt. The whole show had the feel of a sleazy bachelorette party, with O’Donnell acting as boorish ringmaster.
Reminder
Valentine’s Day is tomorrow! This year you can surprise your lover by sending them the gift that keeps on a givin'. Let them know you are thinking about them by forwarding the link to the "Deep Fat Fryer", give them the gift of maybe mild amusement.
Real Country Music Lyrics
We laugh and hang it over her head
Right above her halo
Her face turns red when we bring up
That tie-dyed Winnebago
She runs and hides and still denies
That hip high rose tattoo
She burned that box of forget-me-nots
When she found out we knew
About Mama, ‘fore she was Mama
In a string bikini, in Tijuana
Won’t admit she smoked marijuana
But that was Mama, ‘fore she was Mama
Song: ‘Fore She Was Mama
Artist: Clay Walker
Why it makes me sick: This song tells the tale of two young boys who discover some lewd pics of their mother taken during her “wild years”. These are years that this mama spent doing dope, getting tattooed and having naughty photos taken of herself. Her sons apparently use these photos as some sort of blackmail tool. Sweet damn song.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Dumps Black Turtleneck, Dandruff No Longer Manageable
I am really enjoying being home today. As I painted I listened to an episode of the television program “The View”. I have been VERY critical of Rosie O’Donnell for her lack of femininity. My wife boils at any criticism of this woman. In listening to “The View” today I realized that I am completely justified in any and all criticism (both of O’Donnell and The View). Today the panel of ladies amused themselves by reducing famous actor John Stamos to a mere sex symbol. I am not sure of the name, but one of those women kept screaming at Stamos to remove his shirt. The whole show had the feel of a sleazy bachelorette party, with O’Donnell acting as boorish ringmaster.
Reminder
Valentine’s Day is tomorrow! This year you can surprise your lover by sending them the gift that keeps on a givin'. Let them know you are thinking about them by forwarding the link to the "Deep Fat Fryer", give them the gift of maybe mild amusement.
Real Country Music Lyrics
We laugh and hang it over her head
Right above her halo
Her face turns red when we bring up
That tie-dyed Winnebago
She runs and hides and still denies
That hip high rose tattoo
She burned that box of forget-me-nots
When she found out we knew
About Mama, ‘fore she was Mama
In a string bikini, in Tijuana
Won’t admit she smoked marijuana
But that was Mama, ‘fore she was Mama
Song: ‘Fore She Was Mama
Artist: Clay Walker
Why it makes me sick: This song tells the tale of two young boys who discover some lewd pics of their mother taken during her “wild years”. These are years that this mama spent doing dope, getting tattooed and having naughty photos taken of herself. Her sons apparently use these photos as some sort of blackmail tool. Sweet damn song.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Dumps Black Turtleneck, Dandruff No Longer Manageable
Monday, February 12, 2007
Hell Has No Fury Like Decades Old Wallpaper
My wife and I spent most of the weekend battling two stubborn layers of wallpaper in our dining room. The plan was to simply buy the wallpaper remover, spray it on, drink mint juleps and watch it fall right off the wall. It turns out wallpaper removal cream is a joke. That stuff does not work. You have to do it the old fashioned way. You have to tear that shit off with your teeth. It only responds to the most primal force. It was a long weekend of work. Today I have paint and spackle all over me. I am like a baboon picking and digging at my hair and arms, and then looking over my findings. It is a site that I am sure my coworkers appreciate.
Jazzy Jazz
My wife and I stepped out on the town on Friday night. We went to a jazz performance by the world renowned Ms. Ida Macbeth. The performance was spectacular…with the highlight being a tribute to her autistic son (who was in the audience). Ms. Ida cried, well we all cried. It was also here that I was mistaken for a Midwesterner for the first time in my four years here. I had a fellow ask me if I had been in a physics class with him in high school here. I didn’t think my wife needed to laugh so hard at the thought of me in a physics course.
Economics Necessitate End of Long Feud
My four year boycott of Wal-Mart is over. It ended mostly because I forgot why it started. I think it was something about worker rights, I am not sure. The point is that place is cheap and I’m poor. Target you be damned! I can no longer afford your overpriced “Archer Farms” brand or fancy “Choxie” style chocolates. For me it is back to where I belong – and I’ve never been more despondent.
Notice
Mail Bag Wednesday is coming up and we have only 1 comment. Get those questions and comments in by Wednesday morning. If I have to make these up people - I swear I will do it.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Wears Pants in Family, Wife Bought, Hemmed
Jazzy Jazz
My wife and I stepped out on the town on Friday night. We went to a jazz performance by the world renowned Ms. Ida Macbeth. The performance was spectacular…with the highlight being a tribute to her autistic son (who was in the audience). Ms. Ida cried, well we all cried. It was also here that I was mistaken for a Midwesterner for the first time in my four years here. I had a fellow ask me if I had been in a physics class with him in high school here. I didn’t think my wife needed to laugh so hard at the thought of me in a physics course.
Economics Necessitate End of Long Feud
My four year boycott of Wal-Mart is over. It ended mostly because I forgot why it started. I think it was something about worker rights, I am not sure. The point is that place is cheap and I’m poor. Target you be damned! I can no longer afford your overpriced “Archer Farms” brand or fancy “Choxie” style chocolates. For me it is back to where I belong – and I’ve never been more despondent.
Notice
Mail Bag Wednesday is coming up and we have only 1 comment. Get those questions and comments in by Wednesday morning. If I have to make these up people - I swear I will do it.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Wears Pants in Family, Wife Bought, Hemmed
Friday, February 9, 2007
Tightwad Uses Public Transportation to Save Money, Wins Gift Certificate to City’s Priciest Eatery
I am the sad-sack owner of a car that is so old and slow it shouldn’t be allowed on the highway. This forces me to take the bus to work. Since my building has no parking my company rewards me for this by paying the entire cost of my monthly bus pass (an $85 value). They occasionally allow us public transit users to enter our names into a drawing. Today I won a $20 gift certificate to one of this city’s classiest and most pricy restaurants – where $20 will buy you maybe a garnish. Now if I can just raise $150 I will be able to actually eat there. I am being ungrateful. I am psyched to win anything. I have had so many people come up to me in the hall today and congratulate me. I love the adulation!
Update on Food Poisoning
I have been running around town badmouthing the Chinese food restaurant that ravaged my family much of the past week. Some confusion has now developed about the source of our food poisoning. It may have been a can of Pillsbury Biscuits (which my wife and I ate after their expiration date). The Chinese food was consumed last Friday and the biscuits the following morning. The biscuits appeared slimy – but I figured that baking them at 425 degrees would burn off any pathogens or poison. The investigation continues…
Weekend Agenda
1) Buy product at Lowe's which will bring down wallpaper – tear down that wallpaper
2) Eat at romantic Italian joint with wife
3) Put up Anna Nicole Smith tribute in front yard
4) Clean up kitty litter in garage which has been absorbing whatever my car is leaking (wife thinks she may slip)
5) Fight with wife about Anna Nicole Smith display
6) Take down Anna Nicole Smith display
Apologies
This week we are apologizing to everyone who reads this blog. Last week I was mad at all of you. The reasons are less important than the apology. My anger at you combined with some separate personal disappointments and my general winter doldrums. I was basically writing angry (see post from 2/1 “all of you kiss my $%^”). I have worked hard this week to forgive each of you and produce quality columns.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man on High Horse about Something or Other
Update on Food Poisoning
I have been running around town badmouthing the Chinese food restaurant that ravaged my family much of the past week. Some confusion has now developed about the source of our food poisoning. It may have been a can of Pillsbury Biscuits (which my wife and I ate after their expiration date). The Chinese food was consumed last Friday and the biscuits the following morning. The biscuits appeared slimy – but I figured that baking them at 425 degrees would burn off any pathogens or poison. The investigation continues…
Weekend Agenda
1) Buy product at Lowe's which will bring down wallpaper – tear down that wallpaper
2) Eat at romantic Italian joint with wife
3) Put up Anna Nicole Smith tribute in front yard
4) Clean up kitty litter in garage which has been absorbing whatever my car is leaking (wife thinks she may slip)
5) Fight with wife about Anna Nicole Smith display
6) Take down Anna Nicole Smith display
Apologies
This week we are apologizing to everyone who reads this blog. Last week I was mad at all of you. The reasons are less important than the apology. My anger at you combined with some separate personal disappointments and my general winter doldrums. I was basically writing angry (see post from 2/1 “all of you kiss my $%^”). I have worked hard this week to forgive each of you and produce quality columns.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man on High Horse about Something or Other
Thursday, February 8, 2007
Risqué Business
We are less than a week away from the greatest day of love on the planet – Valentine’s Day. This is the day we let that special someone know how much we care about them. We might buy them roses, candy, or pasties. The trouble is those things all cost A LOT of money. People often ask me how they can show their lover a nice Valentine’s Day without “breaking their bank”. So if you find yourself on a tight budget this February 14th why not borrow an idea from the staff of Deep Fat Fryer (who haven’t been paid in months – but are taking phone numbers by the fistful). We know you can’t afford that fancy French bistro you had in mind. So here are the steps to creating a surprise romantic dinner for two - on your living room floor - for under $3.50.
Step 1 – Remove any loose debris by running your sweeper or broom over the area. Lay down a soft comforter or blanket. This will be the centerpiece of the evening. If your blanket or comforter seems a bit stale you can freshen in the dryer for a few moments with a Bounty sheet.
Step 2 – Set the mood with strategically placed candles (if your place is dumpy don’t light so many). Candles of varying sizes and shapes will create that romantic atmosphere. Be careful not to place them so close to the blanket. If things get amorous you won’t want a house fire.
Step 3 –You will need to plan your dinner menu, select foods that aren’t overly messy and can be easily eaten lying down (no pasta or tough meat!). Strawberries and Pringles are two of the more affordable options.
Step 4 – Choose the entertainment carefully. Base your selection on the length and type of your relationship. If you have just begun dating choose a non-threatening movie or an un-sexy board game. Those of you in long term relationships can be a bit bolder. A word of caution however – introducing a selection of adult videos can be off-putting to those unfamiliar with the craft.
Step 5 – Now that you have set the mood, designed your menu and selected your entertainment, you will need to decide what to wear. Like our entertainment – this decision should be based heavily on the type and length of relationship you are in. New relationships are often unpredictable, so go for versatility. Choose clothes that are easily removable but not overly revealing. If you are not sure what your guest has in the way of allergies, go easy on the perfume or cologne. Older relationships tend to have a comfort factor built in and tend to be VERY predictable. Select clothes that are relatively clean and free of holes or paint stains.
Step 6 – Lastly, ensure privacy for the evening by locking your dogs or cats in a closet or throwing them outside. If they are barkers or meowers arrange for a lonely, dateless friend to keep them for the night.
By following these steps you will create a perfect (and cheap!) evening for you and your partner. Feel free to drop Deep Fat Fryer a line and let us know how this works out for you. We will likely post your comments in our post-Valentine’s Day wrap-up blog. Good luck!
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Unimpressed with Grandmother’s New Hip
Step 1 – Remove any loose debris by running your sweeper or broom over the area. Lay down a soft comforter or blanket. This will be the centerpiece of the evening. If your blanket or comforter seems a bit stale you can freshen in the dryer for a few moments with a Bounty sheet.
Step 2 – Set the mood with strategically placed candles (if your place is dumpy don’t light so many). Candles of varying sizes and shapes will create that romantic atmosphere. Be careful not to place them so close to the blanket. If things get amorous you won’t want a house fire.
Step 3 –You will need to plan your dinner menu, select foods that aren’t overly messy and can be easily eaten lying down (no pasta or tough meat!). Strawberries and Pringles are two of the more affordable options.
Step 4 – Choose the entertainment carefully. Base your selection on the length and type of your relationship. If you have just begun dating choose a non-threatening movie or an un-sexy board game. Those of you in long term relationships can be a bit bolder. A word of caution however – introducing a selection of adult videos can be off-putting to those unfamiliar with the craft.
Step 5 – Now that you have set the mood, designed your menu and selected your entertainment, you will need to decide what to wear. Like our entertainment – this decision should be based heavily on the type and length of relationship you are in. New relationships are often unpredictable, so go for versatility. Choose clothes that are easily removable but not overly revealing. If you are not sure what your guest has in the way of allergies, go easy on the perfume or cologne. Older relationships tend to have a comfort factor built in and tend to be VERY predictable. Select clothes that are relatively clean and free of holes or paint stains.
Step 6 – Lastly, ensure privacy for the evening by locking your dogs or cats in a closet or throwing them outside. If they are barkers or meowers arrange for a lonely, dateless friend to keep them for the night.
By following these steps you will create a perfect (and cheap!) evening for you and your partner. Feel free to drop Deep Fat Fryer a line and let us know how this works out for you. We will likely post your comments in our post-Valentine’s Day wrap-up blog. Good luck!
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Unimpressed with Grandmother’s New Hip
Wednesday, February 7, 2007
Mail Bag Wednesday
On our “Super Bowl” post of 2/5 Tandy from North Carolina writes…
Oh my god! This one is hysterical! How can you contain your laughter when you share a small office space with three other people?!
Hi Tandy, we did receive a lot of positive feedback on that post (both you and my wife). Sorry but I can’t help you with stifling laughter. Deep Fat Fryer is not familiar with laughing at work. Do write again if you need some advice on how to hold back an avalanche of tears. Thanks for writing.
Cathi from New York writes…
D.F.F. says "A vile little month" Hmm…did you forget it is the birth month of your favorite sister? That was omitted from your little list of February events.
Hi Cathi, I have contacted our fact checking department and confirmed you are indeed a February birthday. We will be sending out a greeting card. In addition, a donation has been made in your name to a charitable cause of my choosing (me at the Starbucks counter). Sorry for the oversight.
Chrisi from (city withheld) writes…
Why are you so obsessed with mail bags?
The origins of that particular obsession start in my youth. As the son of a postal worker I was told the value of mail. Our mom made it known that it was the U.S. Postal Service that provided both the food on our table and her rage. Accompanying my mom to work also meant I was able to see first hand just what mail looks like when it is shoved in a sack. It is a fondness that has not been forgotten. Hope that answers your question.
Chrisi also writes…
Can you squeeze a fish (that has been eaten) out of a cat?
Huh? D.F.F. is not sure what all went on with that fish of yours. Probably better to just buy another. Thanks for writing.
My wife writes…
Why are you telling people what Auschwitz is? Everyone knows that. You don’t have to tell people obvious things like that. Also, you are confusing “your” and “you’re” anywhere you possibly can.
Hi sweetie and thanks for writing. See you at home!
Thanks for all the great questions! We had the most comments of any week in our short history. Thanks for taking the time to write. We here at the Fryer rely heavily on reader comments as a way to fill what is typically a very dull Wednesday.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Thinks You’re the Key to Your Own Happiness
Oh my god! This one is hysterical! How can you contain your laughter when you share a small office space with three other people?!
Hi Tandy, we did receive a lot of positive feedback on that post (both you and my wife). Sorry but I can’t help you with stifling laughter. Deep Fat Fryer is not familiar with laughing at work. Do write again if you need some advice on how to hold back an avalanche of tears. Thanks for writing.
Cathi from New York writes…
D.F.F. says "A vile little month" Hmm…did you forget it is the birth month of your favorite sister? That was omitted from your little list of February events.
Hi Cathi, I have contacted our fact checking department and confirmed you are indeed a February birthday. We will be sending out a greeting card. In addition, a donation has been made in your name to a charitable cause of my choosing (me at the Starbucks counter). Sorry for the oversight.
Chrisi from (city withheld) writes…
Why are you so obsessed with mail bags?
The origins of that particular obsession start in my youth. As the son of a postal worker I was told the value of mail. Our mom made it known that it was the U.S. Postal Service that provided both the food on our table and her rage. Accompanying my mom to work also meant I was able to see first hand just what mail looks like when it is shoved in a sack. It is a fondness that has not been forgotten. Hope that answers your question.
Chrisi also writes…
Can you squeeze a fish (that has been eaten) out of a cat?
Huh? D.F.F. is not sure what all went on with that fish of yours. Probably better to just buy another. Thanks for writing.
My wife writes…
Why are you telling people what Auschwitz is? Everyone knows that. You don’t have to tell people obvious things like that. Also, you are confusing “your” and “you’re” anywhere you possibly can.
Hi sweetie and thanks for writing. See you at home!
Thanks for all the great questions! We had the most comments of any week in our short history. Thanks for taking the time to write. We here at the Fryer rely heavily on reader comments as a way to fill what is typically a very dull Wednesday.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Thinks You’re the Key to Your Own Happiness
Tuesday, February 6, 2007
New Coffeemate Flavor Wins Crucial Support of Office Drone
Surprise, Surprise
For a paper pusher like myself a new flavor of Coffeemate can mean the difference between a good day and suicide. That is why last night when I picked up a container of Coffeemate’s new Toasted Almond flavored coffee sauce I hoped for the best. I brought it into work this morning and tried it first thing in the A.M. I like it a lot. It is rich, bold and kept me off the window ledge. I highly recommend it.
Scoring on Craigslist
My wife and I made our first Craigslist purchase last night (two good conditioned wicker chairs). Craigslist is the online classified super store started by hippies in California. Our experience wasn’t really that funny. We went to this ladies house, gave her $50 and took her chairs. About the funniest thing I could come up with here is that the woman we bought the chairs from had a bunch of her mother-in-law’s old furniture, and it was taking up her whole basement, and she seemed really overwhelmed by it. See...not so funny.
Astronaut Love Triangle
In a story that proves even astronauts can be gutter trash – NASA’s Lisa Marie Nowak was just arrested for attempted kidnapping and murder. Nowak was in space as recently as July. Nowak and NASA engineer Colleen Shipman was both datin' astronaut Bill Oefelein. Nowak became irritated with this whole situation and attempted to kidnap Shipman in a parking lot. Nowak said the kidnapping was meant only to so the two could finally talk things over. Shipman was able to escape mostly unharmed. The contents of Nowak’s car tell a different story about her intentions. At the time of her arrest the car contained: a 4-inch knife, BB gun, steel mallet, rubber tubing and people sized garbage bags. Well that is certainly what I bring when I need to speak w/someone. Nowak was also wearing an adult undergarment at the time of her arrest. She had driven 14 straight hours in order to “speak” with Shipman post haste. Investigators want to know why Nowak didn’t just use the filling station restrooms when she stopped to gas up.
Real Country Music Lyrics
There I was twenty-one
oh I was so ashamed of what I'd done
on a country road
parked one night
what started out so innocent
crossed the line
there was no denyin'
I let God down
but instead of being angry
he let his love surround me
Song: You’ll Always Be My Baby
Artist: Sara Evans
Why it makes me sick: What in hell? I don’t think God really gives a goose what you did in the back of that truck bed. This piece of musical excrement has climbed all the way to #15 on the Billboard Country Charts. It is songs like this that make me question my devotion to Nashville.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Finds Haughtiness Better Fit than Piety
For a paper pusher like myself a new flavor of Coffeemate can mean the difference between a good day and suicide. That is why last night when I picked up a container of Coffeemate’s new Toasted Almond flavored coffee sauce I hoped for the best. I brought it into work this morning and tried it first thing in the A.M. I like it a lot. It is rich, bold and kept me off the window ledge. I highly recommend it.
Scoring on Craigslist
My wife and I made our first Craigslist purchase last night (two good conditioned wicker chairs). Craigslist is the online classified super store started by hippies in California. Our experience wasn’t really that funny. We went to this ladies house, gave her $50 and took her chairs. About the funniest thing I could come up with here is that the woman we bought the chairs from had a bunch of her mother-in-law’s old furniture, and it was taking up her whole basement, and she seemed really overwhelmed by it. See...not so funny.
Astronaut Love Triangle
In a story that proves even astronauts can be gutter trash – NASA’s Lisa Marie Nowak was just arrested for attempted kidnapping and murder. Nowak was in space as recently as July. Nowak and NASA engineer Colleen Shipman was both datin' astronaut Bill Oefelein. Nowak became irritated with this whole situation and attempted to kidnap Shipman in a parking lot. Nowak said the kidnapping was meant only to so the two could finally talk things over. Shipman was able to escape mostly unharmed. The contents of Nowak’s car tell a different story about her intentions. At the time of her arrest the car contained: a 4-inch knife, BB gun, steel mallet, rubber tubing and people sized garbage bags. Well that is certainly what I bring when I need to speak w/someone. Nowak was also wearing an adult undergarment at the time of her arrest. She had driven 14 straight hours in order to “speak” with Shipman post haste. Investigators want to know why Nowak didn’t just use the filling station restrooms when she stopped to gas up.
Real Country Music Lyrics
There I was twenty-one
oh I was so ashamed of what I'd done
on a country road
parked one night
what started out so innocent
crossed the line
there was no denyin'
I let God down
but instead of being angry
he let his love surround me
Song: You’ll Always Be My Baby
Artist: Sara Evans
Why it makes me sick: What in hell? I don’t think God really gives a goose what you did in the back of that truck bed. This piece of musical excrement has climbed all the way to #15 on the Billboard Country Charts. It is songs like this that make me question my devotion to Nashville.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Finds Haughtiness Better Fit than Piety
Monday, February 5, 2007
Super Bowl Showcases America, World Walks Out Early
Indianapolis Colts Win Super Bowl
My worst fears have come true – Peyton Manning has won the Super Bowl. Peyton and I have certainly had our disagreements over the years. This has been entirely one-sided of course – with me screaming at the TV and him actually in the TV playing football. We’ve never met. Much of my anger toward Manning stemmed from his lopsided victories over the Chiefs. After those losses I could comfort myself with the thought that Mr. Manning was not a champion. I would say “you beat the Chiefs, but you’re not a champion Peyton”. Unfortunately today I am forced to see Manning as that champion – an all-time great quarterback with the Super Bowl ring to prove it to me. In some ways it is a relief. I feel much the way I did when John Elway, another Chiefs tormenter, won the first of his two Super Bowls in the 1990’s. It is always nice when a bitter feud ends. This is true even when the other person was largely unaware it was taking place.
Highlights of the Weekend that Was
1) Two days of gut wrenching pain caused by poisonous Chinese food (see draft letter below)
2) Good furniture find on craiglist.com (hope we don’t get murdered when we pick it up tonight)
3) Installed pullout keyboard tray on desk, purchased wireless keyboard
4) Attended excellent Super Bowl party with great food, lots of laughs
5) Visited Starbucks, uneventful, tasty
6) Wife really serious about me caulking the shower, told me so
7) Decided to start thinking more about career, less about hating Peyton Manning
Draft Letter to Chinese Restaurant That Made Us Sick
Dear Chinese Restaurant,
You do not know me – I have only been in your restaurant a handful of times. But I was in last Friday night to pick-up four takeout dinners. I have several complaints about my experience. The food was ice cold. After tasting it - this made sense. The food had either been sitting around since lunch, or more likely it was plucked from another customer’s plate and into takeout containers. Your dumplings were the consistency of rubber and none of us were sure what the filling even was (wait, which meat is gray?). Our main dishes were no better. My wife and our friends told me the chicken tasted the same as the beef, which tasted the same as the rice, which tasted the same as the soup, which tasted the same as the small cardboard containers the food came in. Also, I did not appreciate that my vegetarian entrée came with shards of beef. I do understand that not all Chinese food is created equal. Different people have different tastes. But what I don’t understand is why the food needed to make us so sick. It launched a WWIII on our gastro areas. Your slop nearly ruined one of the best eating days of the year – Super Bowl Sunday. I write this letter both to make you aware of my problems and to request that you refund the full cost of the meal, $37.89.
Warm Regards, D.F. Fryer
Quote of the Week
Oh, one of you can’t make it huh?
That was my grandmother upon learning that my wife and I plan to adopt children.
Quote of the Week II
Don’t you want you own baby?
Here my grandmother is questioning why we would want someone else’s baby.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Awakes with Power to Tell Others What’s Wrong with Them
My worst fears have come true – Peyton Manning has won the Super Bowl. Peyton and I have certainly had our disagreements over the years. This has been entirely one-sided of course – with me screaming at the TV and him actually in the TV playing football. We’ve never met. Much of my anger toward Manning stemmed from his lopsided victories over the Chiefs. After those losses I could comfort myself with the thought that Mr. Manning was not a champion. I would say “you beat the Chiefs, but you’re not a champion Peyton”. Unfortunately today I am forced to see Manning as that champion – an all-time great quarterback with the Super Bowl ring to prove it to me. In some ways it is a relief. I feel much the way I did when John Elway, another Chiefs tormenter, won the first of his two Super Bowls in the 1990’s. It is always nice when a bitter feud ends. This is true even when the other person was largely unaware it was taking place.
Highlights of the Weekend that Was
1) Two days of gut wrenching pain caused by poisonous Chinese food (see draft letter below)
2) Good furniture find on craiglist.com (hope we don’t get murdered when we pick it up tonight)
3) Installed pullout keyboard tray on desk, purchased wireless keyboard
4) Attended excellent Super Bowl party with great food, lots of laughs
5) Visited Starbucks, uneventful, tasty
6) Wife really serious about me caulking the shower, told me so
7) Decided to start thinking more about career, less about hating Peyton Manning
Draft Letter to Chinese Restaurant That Made Us Sick
Dear Chinese Restaurant,
You do not know me – I have only been in your restaurant a handful of times. But I was in last Friday night to pick-up four takeout dinners. I have several complaints about my experience. The food was ice cold. After tasting it - this made sense. The food had either been sitting around since lunch, or more likely it was plucked from another customer’s plate and into takeout containers. Your dumplings were the consistency of rubber and none of us were sure what the filling even was (wait, which meat is gray?). Our main dishes were no better. My wife and our friends told me the chicken tasted the same as the beef, which tasted the same as the rice, which tasted the same as the soup, which tasted the same as the small cardboard containers the food came in. Also, I did not appreciate that my vegetarian entrée came with shards of beef. I do understand that not all Chinese food is created equal. Different people have different tastes. But what I don’t understand is why the food needed to make us so sick. It launched a WWIII on our gastro areas. Your slop nearly ruined one of the best eating days of the year – Super Bowl Sunday. I write this letter both to make you aware of my problems and to request that you refund the full cost of the meal, $37.89.
Warm Regards, D.F. Fryer
Quote of the Week
Oh, one of you can’t make it huh?
That was my grandmother upon learning that my wife and I plan to adopt children.
Quote of the Week II
Don’t you want you own baby?
Here my grandmother is questioning why we would want someone else’s baby.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Awakes with Power to Tell Others What’s Wrong with Them
Friday, February 2, 2007
February Brings Seasonal Depression, Lessons in Black History
I hate February. It is a vile little month. It is really the worst month of all. February gets two thumbs down. You might say that it has the Super Bowl, Valentine’s Day and President’s Day. You might say that it is Black History Month. You would be correct about all those things. And those things are just wonderful. But for me February brings the end of my patience with the winter. It is the very height of my seasonal mood disorder. Months of hibernation have left me pissed, like some kinda big, fat, mad squirrel. February is the month I act out. I snarl and sneer at strangers. I curse the very cold air I breathe. I look forward only to bedtime and the warming nature of my family’s electrical blanket. The cold has worn me down and I want the world to know how I suffer. Come March my sunny disposition will return and all will be well.
Climate Changin’
In the “no shit news” of the week – scientists have proven global warming is indeed caused by human activity. Scientists are predicting that global temperatures will soar in the coming years. One scientist at the University of California went so far as to predict that we will likely see the flames of hell right here on Earth. While such claims may seem overly dramatic – what is certain is that much of the world will be left far sweatier than it is today. Global demand for high-performance antiperspirant could cause widespread panic. But unfortunately sweatiness may not be the only problem caused by global warming. Climatologists predict that Australia, China and parts of America could experience significant drought. Climate change will likely become the dominant issue of our time.
Weekend Agenda
1) buy new desk – put that desk together
2) buy something to make self feel better about it being February
3) eat Chinese food
4) watch Super Bowl (Bears 27, Colts 24)
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Hopes Groundhog Accurate, Spring Comin’ Early
Climate Changin’
In the “no shit news” of the week – scientists have proven global warming is indeed caused by human activity. Scientists are predicting that global temperatures will soar in the coming years. One scientist at the University of California went so far as to predict that we will likely see the flames of hell right here on Earth. While such claims may seem overly dramatic – what is certain is that much of the world will be left far sweatier than it is today. Global demand for high-performance antiperspirant could cause widespread panic. But unfortunately sweatiness may not be the only problem caused by global warming. Climatologists predict that Australia, China and parts of America could experience significant drought. Climate change will likely become the dominant issue of our time.
Weekend Agenda
1) buy new desk – put that desk together
2) buy something to make self feel better about it being February
3) eat Chinese food
4) watch Super Bowl (Bears 27, Colts 24)
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Hopes Groundhog Accurate, Spring Comin’ Early
Thursday, February 1, 2007
Conference Call Etiquette
It is not often that I am invited to sit in on a conference call. I have no knowledge that is of any value at my job. Yesterday I was sent an Outlook appointment for a conference call. I eagerly accepted. I consider conference calling to be one of the most exciting parts of the work world. I love the whole business of “our people need to talk to your people and let us solve the problem that way”. I like the excitement and teamwork that goes along with it. Though I do enjoy me a conference call – I am always shocked by the behaviors that go on during the call. Here are my top five complaints about conferencing calling:
1) Why the confusion over how to put someone on the speaker phone? It is one button, marked “speaker”, press it…why the damn confusion?
2) Why are you shouting into the phone? You are deafening everyone. There is no need to shout. The speaker on that phone could pick up a flower growing. Take it down a notch Mussolini.
3) Why are you whispering to those around you? The phone picks up anything you say or think. Whispering during a conference call is the same as just shouting it right into the phone. Everyone can hear you.
4) Why are you making rude gestures at the phone while the other party is speaking? This is passive aggressive and makes you look silly.
5) Why do you just start referencing documents and papers as if we are all looking at the same thing? Give us a minute.
Lady on the Bus This Morning
I sat down on the bus this morning – chilled from the freezing cold morning air. I kept hearing some kind of haunting music. It was like really sad and old opera music. The morning bus is typically very quite, with many folks pondering how it is they came to have to ride the bus. The music seemed to be coming directly from me. A number of people were beginning to make eye contact w/me. Eye contact is seen as a threat on the bus. So I am sitting there thinking “where is that *&^ coming from”. Finally I realize the lady sitting in front of me is listening to a CD player and singing along whilst reading sheet music. As I said, the music was very haunting. I looked at the title on the sheet music she was reading and it was “There is No Life like Life at Auschwitz”. Auschwitz was of course a Nazi concentration camp. I am not sure why this woman was singing holocaust music at 7am (or any hour). She sang that sad music for the entire 30 minute ride. By the time I got off the bus I just wanted to end it all.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Not Sure Exactly What You’re Looking At
1) Why the confusion over how to put someone on the speaker phone? It is one button, marked “speaker”, press it…why the damn confusion?
2) Why are you shouting into the phone? You are deafening everyone. There is no need to shout. The speaker on that phone could pick up a flower growing. Take it down a notch Mussolini.
3) Why are you whispering to those around you? The phone picks up anything you say or think. Whispering during a conference call is the same as just shouting it right into the phone. Everyone can hear you.
4) Why are you making rude gestures at the phone while the other party is speaking? This is passive aggressive and makes you look silly.
5) Why do you just start referencing documents and papers as if we are all looking at the same thing? Give us a minute.
Lady on the Bus This Morning
I sat down on the bus this morning – chilled from the freezing cold morning air. I kept hearing some kind of haunting music. It was like really sad and old opera music. The morning bus is typically very quite, with many folks pondering how it is they came to have to ride the bus. The music seemed to be coming directly from me. A number of people were beginning to make eye contact w/me. Eye contact is seen as a threat on the bus. So I am sitting there thinking “where is that *&^ coming from”. Finally I realize the lady sitting in front of me is listening to a CD player and singing along whilst reading sheet music. As I said, the music was very haunting. I looked at the title on the sheet music she was reading and it was “There is No Life like Life at Auschwitz”. Auschwitz was of course a Nazi concentration camp. I am not sure why this woman was singing holocaust music at 7am (or any hour). She sang that sad music for the entire 30 minute ride. By the time I got off the bus I just wanted to end it all.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Not Sure Exactly What You’re Looking At
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