I am afraid I got the Friday afternoon “look ahead” blues. Is anyone getting anything done on a Friday anymore? It is weird to think that people used to work sometimes 6 or even 7 days a week. And they worked hard and long hours too. Sometimes I feel spoiled by our modern world – less able to withstand suffering and inconvenience. I know our ancestors went through some bullshit times man. They faced wild and blood thirsty predators, union busting factory owners, scurvy, etc. They braved all kinds of temperature extremes too. Probably the biggest obstacle I face in a day is when my Starbucks is out of “raw sugar” and I have to ask them to bring more out. That is not that bad compared to living in a house made out of mud (like the pioneers did) and just not having any coffee.
Where am I going with this? I’m not sure people. I know I had a point. Oh yes, I just have a lot of respect for really mentally tough people – like our settler brethren. What a bunch of tough folks. Driving into Kansas this week made me realize just how many hardships they must have faced in making that land tillable. I imagine it was just a lot of tilling and then waiting around for the food to grow. I bet while they were waiting they kind of squabbled about whose idea it was to come out to Kansas. I imagine things would get pretty heated b/w the husband and wife. I bet the wife was all “I don’t have anywhere to put my face of makeup on.” And then I bet the husband was all “baby, you don’t need that makeup out here, you need to be killing that chicken over there.” And then I bet the wife would fight dirty and tell the husband that her mother told her he was bad news from the start. The husband would probably then tell the wife that she needed to do a little less complaining and a little more tilling or chicken killing. I bet they just went on and on like this until the corn came up. Then they had a big harvest and the whole shit was right again.
Well I hope you have enjoyed this little history lesson. Now I have got to go. I am only here a few hours today and I am supposed to be working.
Have a great weekend and thanks for stopping by.
Kansas City Man Wants to Know Just What in Hell You’re Looking At
Friday, April 27, 2007
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Back from Trip – Drone Calls Wichita the Paris of the Prairie
I told you I would be back on Thursday – and here I am. My conference in Wichita was actually pretty useful. I can finally cross Wichita, KS off my list of places to visit before they bury my ass. Some things you need to know about Wichita (pronounced Witch-itta by the way).
1) The city has a real artistic side. They have adorned their bridges and overpasses with inspirational quotes and decorative sculpture(s). However, most of the quotes on the highways are unreadable due to the high posted speed limit. People in Wichita are not jacking around on the highway – they will put their blinker on and pass you with a wave.
Well that is really all you need to know. Everything else you will just have to go there and experience for yourself. A word of caution, stay away from The Broadway Hotel (aka Bed Bug Inn). They do have a great breakfast bar for a reasonable price – but you will be itching while you eat it because of the bed bugs. What they lack in cleanliness they make up for in conference room chairs with no padding. It is like sitting on the lap of a corpse (that is stiff people). That is not good for my back AT ALL.
I did love the staff though. They were very diverse, extremely helpful and able to stifle the itchiness of what must be a very scratchy place to work (all those bed bugs).
One would ask the question (as we all did) – why would the federal government put us up in such a ramshackle hole? As the host of the conference it was the federal government’s job to ensure that the hotel had an indoor pool, hot tub, nice restaurant and a Starbucks in the lobby. I mention all these things because the “Brand X” hotel just down the road from our Bed Bug Inn had all those things. Some of us asked how such a blunder in accommodations had come about. The answer we got was a cheapskate admin assistant back in D.C. had booked the first hotel that offered a “government rate”.
The conference turned out to be very informational. I could bore you with tales about federal audit requirements, monitoring visits, grant cycles and performance measures. I won’t do that. But I will give you a great quote from one of the moderators of our training.
If you are not willing to go to jail for two years then you are in the wrong business.
He also had on fancy cowboy boots (so is he credible?).
Well that is about it for me today. I am wolfing down some lunch. I can’t write w/my mouth full. It is good to be back. I missed each and every one of you. You are all special in your own way.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Returns from Conference, Discovers Wife at Table Eating Dinner
1) The city has a real artistic side. They have adorned their bridges and overpasses with inspirational quotes and decorative sculpture(s). However, most of the quotes on the highways are unreadable due to the high posted speed limit. People in Wichita are not jacking around on the highway – they will put their blinker on and pass you with a wave.
Well that is really all you need to know. Everything else you will just have to go there and experience for yourself. A word of caution, stay away from The Broadway Hotel (aka Bed Bug Inn). They do have a great breakfast bar for a reasonable price – but you will be itching while you eat it because of the bed bugs. What they lack in cleanliness they make up for in conference room chairs with no padding. It is like sitting on the lap of a corpse (that is stiff people). That is not good for my back AT ALL.
I did love the staff though. They were very diverse, extremely helpful and able to stifle the itchiness of what must be a very scratchy place to work (all those bed bugs).
One would ask the question (as we all did) – why would the federal government put us up in such a ramshackle hole? As the host of the conference it was the federal government’s job to ensure that the hotel had an indoor pool, hot tub, nice restaurant and a Starbucks in the lobby. I mention all these things because the “Brand X” hotel just down the road from our Bed Bug Inn had all those things. Some of us asked how such a blunder in accommodations had come about. The answer we got was a cheapskate admin assistant back in D.C. had booked the first hotel that offered a “government rate”.
The conference turned out to be very informational. I could bore you with tales about federal audit requirements, monitoring visits, grant cycles and performance measures. I won’t do that. But I will give you a great quote from one of the moderators of our training.
If you are not willing to go to jail for two years then you are in the wrong business.
He also had on fancy cowboy boots (so is he credible?).
Well that is about it for me today. I am wolfing down some lunch. I can’t write w/my mouth full. It is good to be back. I missed each and every one of you. You are all special in your own way.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Returns from Conference, Discovers Wife at Table Eating Dinner
Friday, April 20, 2007
Extra, Extra! Office Drone Going on Business Trip!!
I got inspired watching an episode of The Oprah Winfrey Show. To say thank you to her staff Oprah took them all to Hawaii for a week of fun in the sun. She picked up the tab for everything (food, lodging, and airfare) – that was over 1,000 people! That is a lot of people. It was one of the most generous things that Oprah has ever filmed herself doing.
This made me think about honoring my own “motley crew” over here at DFF. These are the folks that make DFF run. These are people like Tedrick in receiving, Morty in research and Destiny in public relations. They are the salt of the earth (the preverbal winds beneath my wing if you will). I could go on and on, Yusef in accounting, Asante in housekeeping, Cleo in catering. It is too many to mention everyone. Each of them came to me having survived a host of legal travails (nearly all of their acts just unspeakable). I have rebuilt their lives by providing a generous transportation allowance and access to medical care.
But it is not enough that I offer them unaffordable health insurance or pay 10% of the cost of their bus passes. I want to show them how much I truly appreciate them. That is why I announced this morning that I am taking the entire DFF staff to a farm outside of Wichita, KS. It is a “team building” farm. We will learn to depend on each other by assisting in the day-to-day operations of the Goosey Farm & Country Store. We are going to be shoveling shit and canning jam. The brochure mentions that recent visitors have included a team of NASA astronauts prepping for a mission to outer space, a group of greeting card writers and a contingent of beauty queens from the Northeast.
Sure I have heard a little grumbling from the staff about the destination. They asked me why we couldn’t go to Hawaii like the Oprah staff. I told them it’s because I bet Oprah doesn’t have to worry about someone putting urine in her coffee every time she turns around, or breaking up cat fights every fourth minute. I bet Oprah gets a little respect. Then I told them to stifle it – this is my way of appreciating them. We are all going to load up into that school bus and ride the ten hours to Goosey Farm. I am not going to want to hear any complaining. I have already paid for 4 nights and the optional trip through the corn maze. You know you have to be firm with these people or they will walk all over you.
With the whole staff down at Goosey the Deep Fat Fryer will not be appearing next Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday. We will return on Thursday – and hopefully better (and more team worky) than ever.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Faces Disappointment with Dignity, Hysterical Arm Gestures
This made me think about honoring my own “motley crew” over here at DFF. These are the folks that make DFF run. These are people like Tedrick in receiving, Morty in research and Destiny in public relations. They are the salt of the earth (the preverbal winds beneath my wing if you will). I could go on and on, Yusef in accounting, Asante in housekeeping, Cleo in catering. It is too many to mention everyone. Each of them came to me having survived a host of legal travails (nearly all of their acts just unspeakable). I have rebuilt their lives by providing a generous transportation allowance and access to medical care.
But it is not enough that I offer them unaffordable health insurance or pay 10% of the cost of their bus passes. I want to show them how much I truly appreciate them. That is why I announced this morning that I am taking the entire DFF staff to a farm outside of Wichita, KS. It is a “team building” farm. We will learn to depend on each other by assisting in the day-to-day operations of the Goosey Farm & Country Store. We are going to be shoveling shit and canning jam. The brochure mentions that recent visitors have included a team of NASA astronauts prepping for a mission to outer space, a group of greeting card writers and a contingent of beauty queens from the Northeast.
Sure I have heard a little grumbling from the staff about the destination. They asked me why we couldn’t go to Hawaii like the Oprah staff. I told them it’s because I bet Oprah doesn’t have to worry about someone putting urine in her coffee every time she turns around, or breaking up cat fights every fourth minute. I bet Oprah gets a little respect. Then I told them to stifle it – this is my way of appreciating them. We are all going to load up into that school bus and ride the ten hours to Goosey Farm. I am not going to want to hear any complaining. I have already paid for 4 nights and the optional trip through the corn maze. You know you have to be firm with these people or they will walk all over you.
With the whole staff down at Goosey the Deep Fat Fryer will not be appearing next Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday. We will return on Thursday – and hopefully better (and more team worky) than ever.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Faces Disappointment with Dignity, Hysterical Arm Gestures
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Deep Fat Fryer Love Quiz #1
Are you heading out on the town this weekend and looking for a little love? Take this tasty Deep Fat Fryer “Love Quiz” and find out if you are an icy bowl of gazpacho soup or a spicy ranchero pepper.
How would your last serious fling describe your boudoir prowess?
A) Mild
B) Medium
C) Spicy
D) Ouch, that is just too hot for living!!
What Mexican food would your mother say you most closely resemble?
A) She wouldn’t
B) Burritos
C) One single Taquito
D) Chili Relleno
If you could dress as a taco for one afternoon – what topping would you smoother yourself in?
A) Lettuce
B) Black olives
C) Kraft Foods Mexican Fiesta Cheese Blend
D) The hottest salsa I could get my hands on
If you were a tray of enchiladas – at which temperature would you prefer to be cooked?
A) Eat me raw – I couldn’t stand that heat
B) 225 degrees – 10 minutes
C) 325 degrees – 15 minutes
D) 425 degrees – 20 minutes
We didn’t have time to come up with a scoring mechanism for this thing. Pretty much just look it over. If you selected “D” a few times than you are pretty much the ideal “spicy ranchero pepper” that we referenced above. This means you are the type of person who doesn’t take “no” for an answer. You are persistent above all else. You strut into the club and immediately make it known that you are there to spice it up. You announce to the whole joint that you WILL NOT be leaving alone. You are the consummate spicy ranchero pepper and you will make this thing happen.
If on the other hand you answered “A” more than anything else you are in trouble my friend. You are a bowl of chilled gazpacho soup and that ain’t good. You are the type of person who is only palatable for a bite or two. You are gelatinous and unappealing even on the hottest of days. You ooze into the club and draw attention to yourself by announcing you have recently consumed a whole mess of garlic and onion. You are the worst and it could not be more apparent. No one is even sure why you are appearing in a Mexican food themed love quiz when you originated in the south of Spain.
Good luck at the club this weekend!
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Doesn’t Like Rosie O’Donnell, Will Keep It Quiet For Now Though
How would your last serious fling describe your boudoir prowess?
A) Mild
B) Medium
C) Spicy
D) Ouch, that is just too hot for living!!
What Mexican food would your mother say you most closely resemble?
A) She wouldn’t
B) Burritos
C) One single Taquito
D) Chili Relleno
If you could dress as a taco for one afternoon – what topping would you smoother yourself in?
A) Lettuce
B) Black olives
C) Kraft Foods Mexican Fiesta Cheese Blend
D) The hottest salsa I could get my hands on
If you were a tray of enchiladas – at which temperature would you prefer to be cooked?
A) Eat me raw – I couldn’t stand that heat
B) 225 degrees – 10 minutes
C) 325 degrees – 15 minutes
D) 425 degrees – 20 minutes
We didn’t have time to come up with a scoring mechanism for this thing. Pretty much just look it over. If you selected “D” a few times than you are pretty much the ideal “spicy ranchero pepper” that we referenced above. This means you are the type of person who doesn’t take “no” for an answer. You are persistent above all else. You strut into the club and immediately make it known that you are there to spice it up. You announce to the whole joint that you WILL NOT be leaving alone. You are the consummate spicy ranchero pepper and you will make this thing happen.
If on the other hand you answered “A” more than anything else you are in trouble my friend. You are a bowl of chilled gazpacho soup and that ain’t good. You are the type of person who is only palatable for a bite or two. You are gelatinous and unappealing even on the hottest of days. You ooze into the club and draw attention to yourself by announcing you have recently consumed a whole mess of garlic and onion. You are the worst and it could not be more apparent. No one is even sure why you are appearing in a Mexican food themed love quiz when you originated in the south of Spain.
Good luck at the club this weekend!
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Doesn’t Like Rosie O’Donnell, Will Keep It Quiet For Now Though
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Loaded Baked Potato and Possum Combine for Laughs
I don’t know what it is…but I’ve got a little spring in my step today. It could be the nice spring weather or it could be the loaded baked potato I am devouring. Either way – I am just feeling good today. My personality is mostly dictated by the weather. If the weather is nice so am I. When the weather goes afoul I am as grumpy as an old fart.
Hey, I wanted you all to know that I just saw a possum. I am downtown – so this is what you call a “downtown possum”. Me and this random lady shared a moment as we watched the possum scurry thru the intersection of a busy road. She was kind of like “what is that” and I was all “get back in the sewer before you get hit”. We knew it was a possum because me and the random lady asked this fellow who seemed like he was knowledgeable about possums. I had a funny thought about possums. Like 50 years ago I would have totally gone after a possum if I saw one. Didn’t people used to eat those things? I am glad I don’t have to kill a possum for supper! I would be a shitty hunter because I am a huge quitter and a vegetarian. I am ill equipped for an apocalypse and impending food shortage.
Well I got to cut this a little short today because it is getting LATE. I ran some errands at lunch (hence the possum). It totally screwed the blog today. I am not going to tell you what I was doing – all I will say is watch your mailbox for big savings.
Kansas City Man Seeks New Clique, Office Drone Going Goth at 28
Hey, I wanted you all to know that I just saw a possum. I am downtown – so this is what you call a “downtown possum”. Me and this random lady shared a moment as we watched the possum scurry thru the intersection of a busy road. She was kind of like “what is that” and I was all “get back in the sewer before you get hit”. We knew it was a possum because me and the random lady asked this fellow who seemed like he was knowledgeable about possums. I had a funny thought about possums. Like 50 years ago I would have totally gone after a possum if I saw one. Didn’t people used to eat those things? I am glad I don’t have to kill a possum for supper! I would be a shitty hunter because I am a huge quitter and a vegetarian. I am ill equipped for an apocalypse and impending food shortage.
Well I got to cut this a little short today because it is getting LATE. I ran some errands at lunch (hence the possum). It totally screwed the blog today. I am not going to tell you what I was doing – all I will say is watch your mailbox for big savings.
Kansas City Man Seeks New Clique, Office Drone Going Goth at 28
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Me to PBS: May I Have a Word with You?
My house is without cable TV – no big whoop. When I want to watch to TV I occasionally turn to the PBS for entertainment. They normally provide top quality nature programming on Sunday night. Last Sunday was no different. I tuned in at 7pm to find a show about the voyage a big ass sea turtle was making from Mexico to Japan. The turtle was returning to its birthplace to lay a few eggs. They underwater filmed this turtle for 13 months as it made its way across the Pacific (at 1 mph!!). It was an awesome and heroic journey by the turtle. The turtle survived angry sharks, angry whales, angry tuna and angry other turtles. The turtle bites the big one at the end of the show. Its ass gets caught in fishing net and drowns. It was VERY depressing. PBS just strings you along thinking you are watching something with a happy ending. You can be sure if I had more than three channels I would boycott.
DFF Commentary on Gun Violence
I don’t like it.
DFF Commentary on Wife’s Car Breaking
I don’t like that either.
DFF Commentary on Old Guy Making Disgusting Noises at the Gym
Most of all I don’t like him. I need that guy to do a little less pleasure moaning while he lifts weights or does his squat thrusts. I wanted to tell him that it is 2007 and the gym is a family place now. Instead I grabbed my keys and hauled ass outta there.
Deep Fat Fryer Critic Corners
This week we review the movie “Blades of Glory”. This movie gets 4 out of a possible 5 Fryers. Will Ferrell and Jon Heder will really knock “your” skates off with this “slapstick” comedy. This duo serves up laughs by the popcorn bucket full. They will have you laughing until you are blue in the face. I’m not kidding. Ferrell and Heder may have formed the next great comedy duo. They are really on their game in this one. You will love it. I can’t stress enough how impressed I was with Ferrell and Heder for their top drawer acting. My hat is off to the dame that plays the Pam character in “The Office”. Way to go! She was on her game as well. A lot of the other actors were on their game too. Amy Poehler was on her game, as was Will Arnett and Craig T. Nelson. Andy Richter, Romany Malco and Nick Swardson were also on their game. Scott Hamilton also was on his game, as were Greg Lindsay and Rob Corddry and Nick Jameson and Tom Virtue. This movie is good.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Gets 30 Days in Jail for Drive-Thru Misstep
DFF Commentary on Gun Violence
I don’t like it.
DFF Commentary on Wife’s Car Breaking
I don’t like that either.
DFF Commentary on Old Guy Making Disgusting Noises at the Gym
Most of all I don’t like him. I need that guy to do a little less pleasure moaning while he lifts weights or does his squat thrusts. I wanted to tell him that it is 2007 and the gym is a family place now. Instead I grabbed my keys and hauled ass outta there.
Deep Fat Fryer Critic Corners
This week we review the movie “Blades of Glory”. This movie gets 4 out of a possible 5 Fryers. Will Ferrell and Jon Heder will really knock “your” skates off with this “slapstick” comedy. This duo serves up laughs by the popcorn bucket full. They will have you laughing until you are blue in the face. I’m not kidding. Ferrell and Heder may have formed the next great comedy duo. They are really on their game in this one. You will love it. I can’t stress enough how impressed I was with Ferrell and Heder for their top drawer acting. My hat is off to the dame that plays the Pam character in “The Office”. Way to go! She was on her game as well. A lot of the other actors were on their game too. Amy Poehler was on her game, as was Will Arnett and Craig T. Nelson. Andy Richter, Romany Malco and Nick Swardson were also on their game. Scott Hamilton also was on his game, as were Greg Lindsay and Rob Corddry and Nick Jameson and Tom Virtue. This movie is good.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Gets 30 Days in Jail for Drive-Thru Misstep
Monday, April 16, 2007
Sad
Due to the tragedy unfolding in Blacksburg, Virginia the DFF site will not be updated today. As many as 21 individuals have been killed on the campus of Virginia Tech by gunmen. Thoughts and prayers to the families of those killed and injured. It is a sad (and humorless) day.
Friday, April 13, 2007
List of Life Goals
I got to thinking today about the things I want to accomplish in my life. I have given up on many of the things I set out to do as a bright eyed pup. Hey, don’t cry for me. I’m fine okay. As I compiled my list I was surprised to learn that most of my current life goals involve being humiliated in some way. The therapist on staff here at DFF calls it the “Courtney Love Syndrome”.
Here are my goals:
1) Being part of an office “house cleaning”, that is to say being forced to leave the building w/twenty or so of my coworkers. We would all be carrying our little boxes and looking real hopeless.
2) Having a small glass of water thrown in my face at a fancy restaurant by a business lady.
3) Having a massive heart attack on the most important day of my child’s life (a graduation or wedding I would guess).
Well I am a little pressed for time today. I am leaving the office today at 11:30 for a work function. But lest anyone be disappointed – I wanted to give you all a little something to take away.
My weekend will include the following:
1) being at a work function tonight until 11pm on Friday
2) making snowballs and being sad about being able to make snowballs in April
3) pretending I am going to throw snowball at wife – apologizing for that, letting her actually hit me with one
4) spending 8 hours at a career enrichment course on Saturday
5) celebrating 2 year wedding anniversary by gorging on Thai food (baby, may our love always be as spicy this Pad Thai)
On This Day in My History
I crossed paths with former major league slugger Jose Conseco. Conseco was on the same cruise boat as my wife and I. He was hulking. We saw him coming out of the Windjammer Restaurant and Buffet. One could only imagine the damage that man had done in there. I am convinced to this day that Royal Caribbean lost money on him.
Well that is all for today. And that concludes another week here at the DFF.
A special thanks to the janitorial crew here at DFF World Headquarters. You are all angels.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Confronted with the Ghosts of His Past, Accusations Fly
Here are my goals:
1) Being part of an office “house cleaning”, that is to say being forced to leave the building w/twenty or so of my coworkers. We would all be carrying our little boxes and looking real hopeless.
2) Having a small glass of water thrown in my face at a fancy restaurant by a business lady.
3) Having a massive heart attack on the most important day of my child’s life (a graduation or wedding I would guess).
Well I am a little pressed for time today. I am leaving the office today at 11:30 for a work function. But lest anyone be disappointed – I wanted to give you all a little something to take away.
My weekend will include the following:
1) being at a work function tonight until 11pm on Friday
2) making snowballs and being sad about being able to make snowballs in April
3) pretending I am going to throw snowball at wife – apologizing for that, letting her actually hit me with one
4) spending 8 hours at a career enrichment course on Saturday
5) celebrating 2 year wedding anniversary by gorging on Thai food (baby, may our love always be as spicy this Pad Thai)
On This Day in My History
I crossed paths with former major league slugger Jose Conseco. Conseco was on the same cruise boat as my wife and I. He was hulking. We saw him coming out of the Windjammer Restaurant and Buffet. One could only imagine the damage that man had done in there. I am convinced to this day that Royal Caribbean lost money on him.
Well that is all for today. And that concludes another week here at the DFF.
A special thanks to the janitorial crew here at DFF World Headquarters. You are all angels.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Confronted with the Ghosts of His Past, Accusations Fly
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Larry Win, Larry Wins!
Larry Birkhead was proven to be the father of the Anna Nicole Smith baby. Birkhead stood victorious on the steps of the courthouse and shouted “I knew it” and “I told you so”. No one likes a gloater Lar. My money was on the other fellow. We have all heard a lot about this case. Most of us were on pins and needles waiting for the results of the paternity test. The story has captivated our imagination in a way that the Iraq War simply cannot. Perhaps Bush can find a way to insert a faded Hollywood harlot into the war. Americans have proven time and again we will stand fully behind a so called “blond bombshell” that has fallen into despair/disgrace (or just died). I digress. Well the question is what did Larry really win? None of us really know. He did win a baby. But the baby has yet to speak publicly. DFF sources (my cubicle neighbor) tell us the baby has had trouble focusing and may be suffering the effects of her mother’s abuse of every known substance. It is clear the baby does come with suitcases filled with money. But there is some doubt as to the exact fortune that Anna Nicole left behind. The woman spent lavishly – we all knew that. Time will tell I suppose.
CNN.com Can Kiss It
I need cnn.com to make even more of their stories only available by video. God that is annoying. Do they think none of us can read anymore? I know my wife doesn’t like me to send impassioned emails to corporations anymore – but I am getting tired of cnn.com. I have moved almost entirely to MSNBC for my news content. It hurts me because I love me some Ted Turner.
“Second Winter” Leaves Me Stunned
I don’t mean to be a negative Nelson – but what I am calling our “second winter” has really got me in the old dumpster. I can’t remember the last time I saw the sun, and we are supposed to have snow on Friday night. I mean come on…snow? Oh how cruel a joke this spring has been. The good news is that the heater in our house is running in a month that it normally doesn’t it. This means paying one more fat check. Let those fat cats at the Gas Company take a few more of my hard earned greenbacks. Dang.
Dead
Famed author Kurt Vonnegut – 1922 to 2007
Retired
NFL quarterback Drew Bledsoe (1994 – 2006). You may have never seen Bledsoe upright. The man took more sacks than a landfill. I will always remember screaming at the TV for him to throw the ball away. I always wondered if playing quarterback for him was like being in that dream where you are being chased and can’t run. Despite his immobility Bledsoe did make it a Super Bowl (though he was sacked several times, threw four interceptions and lost it to the Packers). He was a bum.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Selling War Bonds, Has Plenty for Everybody
CNN.com Can Kiss It
I need cnn.com to make even more of their stories only available by video. God that is annoying. Do they think none of us can read anymore? I know my wife doesn’t like me to send impassioned emails to corporations anymore – but I am getting tired of cnn.com. I have moved almost entirely to MSNBC for my news content. It hurts me because I love me some Ted Turner.
“Second Winter” Leaves Me Stunned
I don’t mean to be a negative Nelson – but what I am calling our “second winter” has really got me in the old dumpster. I can’t remember the last time I saw the sun, and we are supposed to have snow on Friday night. I mean come on…snow? Oh how cruel a joke this spring has been. The good news is that the heater in our house is running in a month that it normally doesn’t it. This means paying one more fat check. Let those fat cats at the Gas Company take a few more of my hard earned greenbacks. Dang.
Dead
Famed author Kurt Vonnegut – 1922 to 2007
Retired
NFL quarterback Drew Bledsoe (1994 – 2006). You may have never seen Bledsoe upright. The man took more sacks than a landfill. I will always remember screaming at the TV for him to throw the ball away. I always wondered if playing quarterback for him was like being in that dream where you are being chased and can’t run. Despite his immobility Bledsoe did make it a Super Bowl (though he was sacked several times, threw four interceptions and lost it to the Packers). He was a bum.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Selling War Bonds, Has Plenty for Everybody
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
My Don Imus Criticism Gets Me Criticized
We are getting some criticism here at DFF for our critique of the Don Imus situation. It has been said that our critique was actually just as offensive as the Imus one. It appears as if our talking about hookers in Newark, NJ crossed some line or something. Apparently we made some pretty dumb generalizations about the “working women” of Newark. They don’t need that from DFF. We have already sent a lovely bouquet of posies to the Mayor of Newark, as well as some random people in Greater Newark Telephone Directory. And lest you think that DFF has not suffered for our commentary – you would be wrong. Not only as my wife criticized my remarks, well we’ve lost two key sponsors. We were informed today by Bland Brand Pet Food, and Sugar Foot Suckers Co. that they will no longer sponsor this blog. It is a dark day at DFF (literally, when was the last time we paid an electrical bill?).
Kansas City Gets Some Props
I was surprised and delighted to see Kansas City appear in the MSBNB list of “Top 10 Underrated Cities”. Kansas City has joined a list of elite company that includes Pittsburgh, Providence and Baltimore. The point of the list was to show that someone doesn’t have to go to NYC, San Francisco or L.A. to have a good time. There are plenty of good times to have in Kansas City too! I would highlight an abundance of helpful (albeit crazy) homeless folks, scrumptious fare, professional football and baseball, and mild winters. I am going on five years in Kansas City. That is a long time if you are counting. My favorite things about Kansas City: Sheridan’s Custard. My least favorite thing about Kansas City: The area between 31st and 47th streets. That is “midtown” and it is no place for a family.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Hears Call of the Wild, Turns up TV Volume
Kansas City Gets Some Props
I was surprised and delighted to see Kansas City appear in the MSBNB list of “Top 10 Underrated Cities”. Kansas City has joined a list of elite company that includes Pittsburgh, Providence and Baltimore. The point of the list was to show that someone doesn’t have to go to NYC, San Francisco or L.A. to have a good time. There are plenty of good times to have in Kansas City too! I would highlight an abundance of helpful (albeit crazy) homeless folks, scrumptious fare, professional football and baseball, and mild winters. I am going on five years in Kansas City. That is a long time if you are counting. My favorite things about Kansas City: Sheridan’s Custard. My least favorite thing about Kansas City: The area between 31st and 47th streets. That is “midtown” and it is no place for a family.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Hears Call of the Wild, Turns up TV Volume
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Hacked Off Office Drone Has No Time for Tomfoolery
Well I am pretty mad today. I don’t know why – I just decided to be. Oh yes, the weather has got my mood in the old toilet. All our plants and trees in our yard have shriveled up in the cold snap. You know Kansas City does not look good to many times a year. Spring is one of them and now it is all ruined. I’ve never been madder at Mama Nature. How dare she ruin our spring? So what if we are ruining her planet. I need some spring right away. Somebody get me the phone number to Al Gore. I’m outraged, I’m outraged.
New Cubicle Uncomfortable – Well Lighted
Well I am getting used to this new space. My biggest problem is getting comfortable. I can’t seem to get all my stuff adjusted properly. I just can’t get comfortable. I am moving everything around (arm rests, chair height, monitor, ass, arms). I can’t find the right position. I am still working on it. The good news is this thing is well lighted. It is a lot better than the black hole I have been working in. That is the last I am going to talk about my new cubicle.
Thought of the Week
I have seen a lot of news headlines this week about the upcoming results of the paternity test for the Anna Nicole Smith baby. My question is this: What do we do with this information once we have it?
Don Imus Is Fecal Matter
Well the big news this week seems to be radio shock job Don Imus. Imus called the entire Rutgers female basketball team a bunch of “nappy-headed hos.” The comments offered the doubly whammy of being both sexist and racist. Imus owes on apology to a large percentage of the planet. Even though I am a big white guy – I think Imus owes me an apology as well (because of that asinine outfit he wears on his radio show). His head looks like an old deflated tire wearing a ten gallon cowboy hat. Imus received a two week suspension today from his radio program. It is unclear if further punishment waits. Imus said he would try to serve his suspension with dignity. If I was his boss I would drop him off in Newark, New Jersey and tell him to go find an actual prostitute and talk that jive in her face. I bet saying something to an actual prostitute about her hair would get that old bag of shit sliced and diced eight ways from Sunday. Now that is a fitting punishment. And I don’t want to hear about how Imus built a ranch for sick kids. Or how he is Mr. Philanthropy. The guy wears a cowboy hat for godsakes!
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Sends Letter to North Pole, Risqué Requests Leave Santa Blushing
New Cubicle Uncomfortable – Well Lighted
Well I am getting used to this new space. My biggest problem is getting comfortable. I can’t seem to get all my stuff adjusted properly. I just can’t get comfortable. I am moving everything around (arm rests, chair height, monitor, ass, arms). I can’t find the right position. I am still working on it. The good news is this thing is well lighted. It is a lot better than the black hole I have been working in. That is the last I am going to talk about my new cubicle.
Thought of the Week
I have seen a lot of news headlines this week about the upcoming results of the paternity test for the Anna Nicole Smith baby. My question is this: What do we do with this information once we have it?
Don Imus Is Fecal Matter
Well the big news this week seems to be radio shock job Don Imus. Imus called the entire Rutgers female basketball team a bunch of “nappy-headed hos.” The comments offered the doubly whammy of being both sexist and racist. Imus owes on apology to a large percentage of the planet. Even though I am a big white guy – I think Imus owes me an apology as well (because of that asinine outfit he wears on his radio show). His head looks like an old deflated tire wearing a ten gallon cowboy hat. Imus received a two week suspension today from his radio program. It is unclear if further punishment waits. Imus said he would try to serve his suspension with dignity. If I was his boss I would drop him off in Newark, New Jersey and tell him to go find an actual prostitute and talk that jive in her face. I bet saying something to an actual prostitute about her hair would get that old bag of shit sliced and diced eight ways from Sunday. Now that is a fitting punishment. And I don’t want to hear about how Imus built a ranch for sick kids. Or how he is Mr. Philanthropy. The guy wears a cowboy hat for godsakes!
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Sends Letter to North Pole, Risqué Requests Leave Santa Blushing
Monday, April 9, 2007
Anniversary Today!!
My wife and I are celebrating our two year anniversary today. We will mark the occasion by her working until 8pm and me going to the gym and running 3 miles (romantic huh?). Calm down – dinner and a movie will be worked into this weekends plans. It has really been the best two years of my life. It is funny how when you are with someone for a long time how there is no life before them to remember (and you would not want to). Some great things about my wife: 1) smells nice 2) sassy only when necessary 3) lets me “entertain” her with an almost constant stream of not so hilarious observations
Highlights of the Weekend that Was
Well it was a great Easter weekend. Some highlights (in no particular order):
1) played several hands of Liverpool rummy at the in-laws on Sunday
2) enjoyed delicious Easter lunch of mushrooms and tortellini
3) finished reading a book about a baby whale, Grayson
4) removed every last bit of gunk from our dryer vent and then stood proudly by covered in lint like a baby chic
5) went to (and quickly left) the Royals game Friday night (temperatures below freezing and wind in our faces)
6) welcomed out of town guest and made that guest feel at home
7) got an oil change on the Taurus
8) ate at the “Panda Express” – it was not good
All Settled
Well I am all settled in my new office (er, cubicle). Getting out of that three person broom closet I was working in feels a little like getting out of prison (and immediately put in a different, more spacious one). I like having all new stuff. I will enjoy it while it lasts (I spill a lot).
Well I have got to cut this short today. I have an entire world of television themed troll dolls to set up around my NEW cubicle.
Next Posting: Kansas City Enamored with Self, Borders on Ridiculous
Highlights of the Weekend that Was
Well it was a great Easter weekend. Some highlights (in no particular order):
1) played several hands of Liverpool rummy at the in-laws on Sunday
2) enjoyed delicious Easter lunch of mushrooms and tortellini
3) finished reading a book about a baby whale, Grayson
4) removed every last bit of gunk from our dryer vent and then stood proudly by covered in lint like a baby chic
5) went to (and quickly left) the Royals game Friday night (temperatures below freezing and wind in our faces)
6) welcomed out of town guest and made that guest feel at home
7) got an oil change on the Taurus
8) ate at the “Panda Express” – it was not good
All Settled
Well I am all settled in my new office (er, cubicle). Getting out of that three person broom closet I was working in feels a little like getting out of prison (and immediately put in a different, more spacious one). I like having all new stuff. I will enjoy it while it lasts (I spill a lot).
Well I have got to cut this short today. I have an entire world of television themed troll dolls to set up around my NEW cubicle.
Next Posting: Kansas City Enamored with Self, Borders on Ridiculous
News
Howdy,
Just an FYI – I am moving offices. I am not sure what my internet access will be today. I hope to post something a little later.
Thanks,
Just an FYI – I am moving offices. I am not sure what my internet access will be today. I hope to post something a little later.
Thanks,
Thursday, April 5, 2007
Office Drone Weeps As Move to New Cubicle Delayed
Well I don’t have a lot of time today. Frankly I am in a bad dang mood. My company was supposed to move into our new office space tomorrow. The move got delayed until Monday. Rumors are swirling around my cubicle that it may be delayed even further. One more day in this quarter-cube nightmare is more than I can stand. I have also already packed all my things. The "higher-ups" told us if we are not packed and ready when they come to move us they are going to start shooting.
Right now I am listening to Royals vs. Red Sox as I work. Today is the American debut of the $100 million dollar kid (Rex Sox pitcher Daisuke Matsuzaka). He has an astounding six different pitches he can throw. The average domestic pitcher has only two pitches he can throw. The debut of the popular Japanese pitcher has brought nearly 200 members of the Japanese media to our sleepy Midwestern town. My guess is that they have been impressed by the sheer size of us Midwestern folk. We are damn big – even for Americans.
And now we will shake the mailbag and see what we find.
Michael from North Carolina wrote…
Your rant about ringtones reminded me of a story I heard this weekend. NYC is mandating that its citizens choose from among 4 ringtone choices chosen by the mayor or something. I guess it'd be better than bad songs, but they weren't great. They were basically 4 different varieties of fart noises.
Hey Michael, your fart joke went over big in DFF land. Well played my friend. Frankly we wouldn’t be at all surprised if NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg did try to mandate the use of city-approved ringtones. DFF has been an outspoken critic of Mayor Bloomberg’s crack down on smoking, Transfats, and walking w/ear-buds. It appears that the people of NYC are willing to take any crackpot legislation he proposes. You know there is some inherent risk in being alive. Mr. Bloomberg can’t legislate all the danger out of living – no mater how much he may want to. My advice for the Mayor – focus more on rearranging your gigantic stacks of money than on turning the good people of NYC in huge pansies.
Tandy from North Carolina wrote…
Adam, this blog was priceless! I have to say, as a friend, I don't like to see you angry, but as a reader, I LOVE IT when you are on angry rants like this!
I am glad you enjoyed my rage. DFF has had enough of ringtones and the priorities of the Mexico City Mayor. We at DFF work hard to please the readers we have – while being careful not to actually gain any new ones. Because of this we are very OPEN to suggestions for content and pretty much “up for anything”. My wife has commented that she likes to see the occasional F-Bomb dropped. We accommodate that. The fact is you will never see a more fan friendly blog. Thanks for writing in.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Knows All Your Tricks, Feels You’re Shameless
Right now I am listening to Royals vs. Red Sox as I work. Today is the American debut of the $100 million dollar kid (Rex Sox pitcher Daisuke Matsuzaka). He has an astounding six different pitches he can throw. The average domestic pitcher has only two pitches he can throw. The debut of the popular Japanese pitcher has brought nearly 200 members of the Japanese media to our sleepy Midwestern town. My guess is that they have been impressed by the sheer size of us Midwestern folk. We are damn big – even for Americans.
And now we will shake the mailbag and see what we find.
Michael from North Carolina wrote…
Your rant about ringtones reminded me of a story I heard this weekend. NYC is mandating that its citizens choose from among 4 ringtone choices chosen by the mayor or something. I guess it'd be better than bad songs, but they weren't great. They were basically 4 different varieties of fart noises.
Hey Michael, your fart joke went over big in DFF land. Well played my friend. Frankly we wouldn’t be at all surprised if NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg did try to mandate the use of city-approved ringtones. DFF has been an outspoken critic of Mayor Bloomberg’s crack down on smoking, Transfats, and walking w/ear-buds. It appears that the people of NYC are willing to take any crackpot legislation he proposes. You know there is some inherent risk in being alive. Mr. Bloomberg can’t legislate all the danger out of living – no mater how much he may want to. My advice for the Mayor – focus more on rearranging your gigantic stacks of money than on turning the good people of NYC in huge pansies.
Tandy from North Carolina wrote…
Adam, this blog was priceless! I have to say, as a friend, I don't like to see you angry, but as a reader, I LOVE IT when you are on angry rants like this!
I am glad you enjoyed my rage. DFF has had enough of ringtones and the priorities of the Mexico City Mayor. We at DFF work hard to please the readers we have – while being careful not to actually gain any new ones. Because of this we are very OPEN to suggestions for content and pretty much “up for anything”. My wife has commented that she likes to see the occasional F-Bomb dropped. We accommodate that. The fact is you will never see a more fan friendly blog. Thanks for writing in.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Knows All Your Tricks, Feels You’re Shameless
Wednesday, April 4, 2007
Wal-Mart Spied On Me Too
A fired Wal-Mart employee is now coming clean and telling all about how the company monitors its employees using surveillance systems. I can tell you from working in the bottle return room at a Wal-Mart Super Center that is true. I was fired after only one week on the job! Supervisor Marsha was out to get me from the start. She said some bullshit about me not keeping the bottle return area very clean. They also “eyed” me buying a soda while I was still punched in. That was the straw that broke Marsha’s back. The whole episode is one I would like to forget. They literally stripped me of my smiley face badge and vest. Humiliating – especially since I had gone through a week of their brainwashing training and was enthused.
The British are Free, the British are Free
Three cheers for Iran, who today released all (15) of the British sailors they had plucked from the Persian Gulf in late March. Iranian President Ahmadinejad declared the freeing of the sailor a gift to the British people and offered forgiveness to the sailors for their trespassing into Iranian waters. British Prime Minister Tony Blair said “thanks” and that he would be sending a nice thank you note to Ahmadinejad. He also said that he had scratched plans to “reduce the whole of Iran into one big pile of rubbish.”
Heart Attacks at Work
I have been curious lately as to how many people have their heart attacks at work. I sent an email requesting the research staff here at the Fryer begin studying the issue immediately. They printed off my email, set it on fire and threatened me something fierce (they don’t work on Wednesday’s). So anyway, I will have to look into the matter myself. I got to thinking about this because of the amount of situations I encounter everyday that make me grab my chest and feel the burn. I mean for real people. Dealing with the crazies at an office is just about enough to make the old ticker seize right up. I was in someone’s office today trying to explain a problem that I felt was real simple like. Well that person couldn’t understand the simplicity. I just wanted to scream “your givin’ me chest pains Connie” and “Connie you’re a blockhead.”
Restaurant Review
Oh I don’t know if I can name names…but a certain “sub” shop a little “way” down the road from my office is quite nasty. Well saying that would mean that at some point they were ever any good. I have very little access to cheap/quick lunch and unfortunately that was all I could get to today. The Quizno’s across the street is always jam packed and you really pay extra for the quality. Today I just really needed an over toasted sandwich, but like I said the Quizno’s was to full for believing. Well there was no one in line at the “other” sub shop across the street. I marched in and quickly placed my order for a Veggie Light on wheat (heavy on the mayo). I was horrified when I got back to my desk and unraveled my little sandwich. The bread was old, the lettuce was old, and toasting it had just hardened the whole shit into a nearly inedible men’s shoe. Oh I ate it, but I thought “I am not going back, this time I mean it” and “I have got to stop eating there” and “goodness that tomato tastes funny.” Now my stomach hurts.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Awakens to Find Wife Still Sleeping
The British are Free, the British are Free
Three cheers for Iran, who today released all (15) of the British sailors they had plucked from the Persian Gulf in late March. Iranian President Ahmadinejad declared the freeing of the sailor a gift to the British people and offered forgiveness to the sailors for their trespassing into Iranian waters. British Prime Minister Tony Blair said “thanks” and that he would be sending a nice thank you note to Ahmadinejad. He also said that he had scratched plans to “reduce the whole of Iran into one big pile of rubbish.”
Heart Attacks at Work
I have been curious lately as to how many people have their heart attacks at work. I sent an email requesting the research staff here at the Fryer begin studying the issue immediately. They printed off my email, set it on fire and threatened me something fierce (they don’t work on Wednesday’s). So anyway, I will have to look into the matter myself. I got to thinking about this because of the amount of situations I encounter everyday that make me grab my chest and feel the burn. I mean for real people. Dealing with the crazies at an office is just about enough to make the old ticker seize right up. I was in someone’s office today trying to explain a problem that I felt was real simple like. Well that person couldn’t understand the simplicity. I just wanted to scream “your givin’ me chest pains Connie” and “Connie you’re a blockhead.”
Restaurant Review
Oh I don’t know if I can name names…but a certain “sub” shop a little “way” down the road from my office is quite nasty. Well saying that would mean that at some point they were ever any good. I have very little access to cheap/quick lunch and unfortunately that was all I could get to today. The Quizno’s across the street is always jam packed and you really pay extra for the quality. Today I just really needed an over toasted sandwich, but like I said the Quizno’s was to full for believing. Well there was no one in line at the “other” sub shop across the street. I marched in and quickly placed my order for a Veggie Light on wheat (heavy on the mayo). I was horrified when I got back to my desk and unraveled my little sandwich. The bread was old, the lettuce was old, and toasting it had just hardened the whole shit into a nearly inedible men’s shoe. Oh I ate it, but I thought “I am not going back, this time I mean it” and “I have got to stop eating there” and “goodness that tomato tastes funny.” Now my stomach hurts.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Awakens to Find Wife Still Sleeping
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
Constant Testing of the Fire Alarms Making Office Drone Mad
This will be short and sweet people. I am leaving work at 2pm today and my boss just sent me an appointment to meet tomorrow at 8am. I stroll in about 7:30 or 7:45 – so I got some prep work to do for this meeting. If you must know, the meeting is about how we can better track our grant deadlines. Sexy isn’t it? I remember when I was 10 and I wanted to pilot a space shuttle or be a reporter for ABC News. Now I am drafting procedures and asking that bitch Tanya for help with the copy machine.
Oh, I do have a major complaint. I have had just about enough of people’s ring tones. I don’t know what would make someone need to turn their cell phone ringer into a jukebox. It is so annoying in meetings. You are sitting there having a conversation and all the sudden someone’s pocket is blasting “Don’t you wish your girlfriend was hot like me” or some other horrible sounding tune. I think people see their ring tone as an opportunity to say something about themselves. I think what it say’s is that you can’t remember to put your phone on vibrate…and you are an asshole. Why would anyone want to tell the world they are a dip who has no social courtesy? My blood pressure just skyrocketed. Oh, oh also I like when people leave their cell phone ringer on at their desk. That way when they are in the toilet their phone will just ring and ring at top volume. Christmas.
Priorities
A story on yahoo news caught my eye today. Mexico City is making the providing of city-wide wireless internet its top priority. Huh? I have never been to Mexico City – but what I hear ain’t good (crime, water shortages, poor air quality, power outages, crime, crime, crime, gangs, crime, super crime). If you ask me I think Mexico City mayor Marcelo Ebrard has once again missed the boat here. That is like someone saying new carpet is their top priority…as their house burns down. Well you have to put the fire before you can redecorate. Senior Ebrard needs to turn the water on the crime problem in Mexico City before providing internets. Somehow I think the only thing resulting from city-wide internet in Mexico is criminals who can print off MapQuest directions to their victim’s homes. Get a clue Senior Ebrard.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Blushes at the Thought
Oh, I do have a major complaint. I have had just about enough of people’s ring tones. I don’t know what would make someone need to turn their cell phone ringer into a jukebox. It is so annoying in meetings. You are sitting there having a conversation and all the sudden someone’s pocket is blasting “Don’t you wish your girlfriend was hot like me” or some other horrible sounding tune. I think people see their ring tone as an opportunity to say something about themselves. I think what it say’s is that you can’t remember to put your phone on vibrate…and you are an asshole. Why would anyone want to tell the world they are a dip who has no social courtesy? My blood pressure just skyrocketed. Oh, oh also I like when people leave their cell phone ringer on at their desk. That way when they are in the toilet their phone will just ring and ring at top volume. Christmas.
Priorities
A story on yahoo news caught my eye today. Mexico City is making the providing of city-wide wireless internet its top priority. Huh? I have never been to Mexico City – but what I hear ain’t good (crime, water shortages, poor air quality, power outages, crime, crime, crime, gangs, crime, super crime). If you ask me I think Mexico City mayor Marcelo Ebrard has once again missed the boat here. That is like someone saying new carpet is their top priority…as their house burns down. Well you have to put the fire before you can redecorate. Senior Ebrard needs to turn the water on the crime problem in Mexico City before providing internets. Somehow I think the only thing resulting from city-wide internet in Mexico is criminals who can print off MapQuest directions to their victim’s homes. Get a clue Senior Ebrard.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Blushes at the Thought
Monday, April 2, 2007
Baby Shower Goes Well, Cake and Punch All Gone
My weekend was most excellent. We had a baby shower for some friends of ours on Saturday. Sunday we piddled around and drank coffee. The weather here has been kind of amazing. We had a lot of rain and it really greened the whole place up a bit.
Also, today is opening day for the Royals…and though I could not get tickets – I am still pretty excited about it. I know they suck, but I am glad they are staying in KC. We are going out on Friday night to see them play Detroit. You have to catch the Royals early because they are only competitive for the first three days of the season.
Karl Rove Hates Puppies
Top Bush aide Karl Rove is one again earning himself negative publicity, as if the investigation into his potential outing of an undercover CIA agent wasn’t enough. At a recent dinner party Rove provided the entertainment. He donned the persona of a rapper and regaled the crowd with such classic lyrics as “MC Rove tears the head off of critters” and said he liked “tearing the heads off animals” (with hand gestures). DFF has so many questions about this little stunt. Karl Rove a hunter? Of course not. The only thing Mr. Rove is ripping into is the Chip a Hoy bag. This bit of primal machismo from Rove is no doubt only an effort to rile up the ladies over at PETA, shame on you Karl.
No Shit News of the Week
The Airline Quality Ratings report is in – and the results are not good. The recently released study by somebody revealed that airline passengers are dealing with increased delays, lost bags and being bumped from flights. You might say “but DFF I flew a few weeks ago and nothing bad happened to me”. Well you must have flown on Liar Airways. What do you mean nothing bad happened? Anyway. I have flown a lot in my life and I see the biggest problem today as being the lack of a dress code for passengers. I think this causes a lack of civility by the poorly attired. I think when you are dressed nicer you are more apt to act like a solid person. I have literally been appalled to see people flying in sweat pants, bare midriffs, Daisy Duke Shorts, etc. If I owned an airline I would make it mandatory that all the slob clothes be packed in the suitcase. No one would get on any of my airplanes half-dressed and looking more like Britney Spears than Candice Bergen. I would require skirts (long skirts too!) for the ladies and ties for the gentleman. I think my plan would return a lot of decency to American airways. I would also mandate that the in-flight entertainment pass my strictest test for wholesomeness. No more damn Jackie Chan movies with all that violent kicking and innuendo.
Life Regret #236
Regret #236 is a special regret. You might say that it is the regret that I keep on regretting. Okay, so I took a lot of classes about WWI in college. This has benefited me zero. It will never benefit me. My knowledge of Kaiser Wilhelm is wholly unimportant in my current role as a paper-pusher. So my regret is learning a lot more about the Kaiser than I did business. I spent $22K on his ass!
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Learns Hard Lesson, Dies
Also, today is opening day for the Royals…and though I could not get tickets – I am still pretty excited about it. I know they suck, but I am glad they are staying in KC. We are going out on Friday night to see them play Detroit. You have to catch the Royals early because they are only competitive for the first three days of the season.
Karl Rove Hates Puppies
Top Bush aide Karl Rove is one again earning himself negative publicity, as if the investigation into his potential outing of an undercover CIA agent wasn’t enough. At a recent dinner party Rove provided the entertainment. He donned the persona of a rapper and regaled the crowd with such classic lyrics as “MC Rove tears the head off of critters” and said he liked “tearing the heads off animals” (with hand gestures). DFF has so many questions about this little stunt. Karl Rove a hunter? Of course not. The only thing Mr. Rove is ripping into is the Chip a Hoy bag. This bit of primal machismo from Rove is no doubt only an effort to rile up the ladies over at PETA, shame on you Karl.
No Shit News of the Week
The Airline Quality Ratings report is in – and the results are not good. The recently released study by somebody revealed that airline passengers are dealing with increased delays, lost bags and being bumped from flights. You might say “but DFF I flew a few weeks ago and nothing bad happened to me”. Well you must have flown on Liar Airways. What do you mean nothing bad happened? Anyway. I have flown a lot in my life and I see the biggest problem today as being the lack of a dress code for passengers. I think this causes a lack of civility by the poorly attired. I think when you are dressed nicer you are more apt to act like a solid person. I have literally been appalled to see people flying in sweat pants, bare midriffs, Daisy Duke Shorts, etc. If I owned an airline I would make it mandatory that all the slob clothes be packed in the suitcase. No one would get on any of my airplanes half-dressed and looking more like Britney Spears than Candice Bergen. I would require skirts (long skirts too!) for the ladies and ties for the gentleman. I think my plan would return a lot of decency to American airways. I would also mandate that the in-flight entertainment pass my strictest test for wholesomeness. No more damn Jackie Chan movies with all that violent kicking and innuendo.
Life Regret #236
Regret #236 is a special regret. You might say that it is the regret that I keep on regretting. Okay, so I took a lot of classes about WWI in college. This has benefited me zero. It will never benefit me. My knowledge of Kaiser Wilhelm is wholly unimportant in my current role as a paper-pusher. So my regret is learning a lot more about the Kaiser than I did business. I spent $22K on his ass!
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Learns Hard Lesson, Dies
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