Today is a monumental day in the short history of the Deep Fat Fryer Blog. Today marks our 100th posting. That means that 100 times over the last six months we have written material and that material has subsequently been viewed by people that are not just me.
So many memories – so many memories. Actually I couldn’t even come up with a single memory. And I really, really thought about it. I did have a memory of sobbing at my desk a few months ago – and then I remembered my grandfather was a racist and something funny could be done about that (Traumatic Childhood Memory #345, 3/20/07).
To be frank this also marks the longest I have ever stuck with anything. If I had my own personal crest it would as follows: me walking away with my arms thrown up in the air. This is to say that I am a HUGE quitter. I like quitting. I am really good at it. But the blog has allowed me to change that personal behavior. And that is a good thing.
What does the future hold for the Deep Fat Fryer? Well at some point we need to get our act together and buy ourselves “thedeepfatfryer.com” web address. We are also hoping to introduce a line of high quality kitchen gadgets…and also adult themed religious gadgets.
Sweaty
Tonight I wanted to step-off of the treadmill and shake myself out like a dog just out of the bath.
Ghost of Christmas Crappy
Remember a couple of Christmas seasons ago when everyone got everyone jelly beans. People would go “giggle, these ones taste like a chili pepper” – what was up with that shit? No it doesn’t taste like a chili pepper, now take it back and get me a real gift.
Have a great weekend. See you Monday.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Uses Griddle to Cook Up Pancakes, Laughs
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Office Drone Sees Ray of Hope on Sourpuss Day
Well not much going on today. It is a relativity cloudy, gloomy day. The kind of day that makes you just want to fake chest pains, leave work a few minutes early and go home and sit on the couch with a big cup of coffee and your complete lack of ambition. Ah, but I am not amongst the elite class of stay-at-home twenty-something’s. I am both extremely fortunate to have a job, and extremely unfortunate to need one so desperately. In many ways I have come to terms with my middle-classness. As a young fellow I dreamed of earning my fortune by piloting the controls of the Space shuttle Columbia. It has since been destroyed (that was a close one) – much like my dreams of being a high-flying astronaut.
In my late 20’s I have realized that space travel is out of my reach…but middle-management is closer than I think. Though I currently do not supervise anyone, in the future I look forward to a day when I can share any random thoughts with a captive audience of wage slaves. I will impart my wisdom on them with the heavy hand of fairness. I will listen to their problems, but also be kind of catty behind their back. I will be open to suggestions, but also be unwilling to make even the slightest change in my management style. I will delegate every possible task, but keep an image of near constant productivity. I will be understanding when my staff have personal issues, but also ridicule them when they try and tell me about them. I will treat my staff as my equals, but also let them know they aren’t even capable of licking my shoe. And those are my new dreams. They are dreams I believe are ripe for the pickin’.
Quote of the Week
“It appears that you’ve been shot.”
That from a nurse in a Miami hospital to a man who went to the emergency room seeking relief from severe head pain. His wife had accidentally shot him in the head whilst he slept. The man’s wife was thoughtful enough to flee the emergency room while her husband was being examined. She was later arrested on weapons charges, and also for being kind of a shitty wife.
Happy Birthday ATM!
The Automatic Teller Machine is celebrating its 40 birthday this month. The ATM is often credited with revolutionizing the way men pay for hookers. It has also grown to become the top kidnapping destination in America. It is estimated that every eight seconds an American is abducted and forced to withdraw up to $500 at gunpoint.
Full-Body Searches to Resume at Buccaneer Home Games
A federal appeals court ruled that the Tampa Bay Buccaneers can resume security pat-downs of fans entering Buccaneer home games. A Tampa man, Gordon Johnson, had sued the team – saying the searches violated his right to not be searched for no reason. Listen Gordie, just let this big fat guy move your goodies from left to right and then you can go watch the football game like everyone else. No need to raise a big fuss.
Viewer Feedback
We here at DFF pride ourselves on…er, well something I am sure. Oh gazpacho, we make a mean gazpacho. And we take reader relations very seriously. If there is anything you would like to see or something than can be improved – let us know. You won’t hurt my feelings. Shit flows down hill at DFF. Half my staff is drunk and the other half weren’t even hired (just kind of showed up one day). I’ll fire all their asses if I have to. Email adam2840@yahoo.com if you have anything on your mind.
Kansas City Man Still Moved By Baywatch Theme Song
In my late 20’s I have realized that space travel is out of my reach…but middle-management is closer than I think. Though I currently do not supervise anyone, in the future I look forward to a day when I can share any random thoughts with a captive audience of wage slaves. I will impart my wisdom on them with the heavy hand of fairness. I will listen to their problems, but also be kind of catty behind their back. I will be open to suggestions, but also be unwilling to make even the slightest change in my management style. I will delegate every possible task, but keep an image of near constant productivity. I will be understanding when my staff have personal issues, but also ridicule them when they try and tell me about them. I will treat my staff as my equals, but also let them know they aren’t even capable of licking my shoe. And those are my new dreams. They are dreams I believe are ripe for the pickin’.
Quote of the Week
“It appears that you’ve been shot.”
That from a nurse in a Miami hospital to a man who went to the emergency room seeking relief from severe head pain. His wife had accidentally shot him in the head whilst he slept. The man’s wife was thoughtful enough to flee the emergency room while her husband was being examined. She was later arrested on weapons charges, and also for being kind of a shitty wife.
Happy Birthday ATM!
The Automatic Teller Machine is celebrating its 40 birthday this month. The ATM is often credited with revolutionizing the way men pay for hookers. It has also grown to become the top kidnapping destination in America. It is estimated that every eight seconds an American is abducted and forced to withdraw up to $500 at gunpoint.
Full-Body Searches to Resume at Buccaneer Home Games
A federal appeals court ruled that the Tampa Bay Buccaneers can resume security pat-downs of fans entering Buccaneer home games. A Tampa man, Gordon Johnson, had sued the team – saying the searches violated his right to not be searched for no reason. Listen Gordie, just let this big fat guy move your goodies from left to right and then you can go watch the football game like everyone else. No need to raise a big fuss.
Viewer Feedback
We here at DFF pride ourselves on…er, well something I am sure. Oh gazpacho, we make a mean gazpacho. And we take reader relations very seriously. If there is anything you would like to see or something than can be improved – let us know. You won’t hurt my feelings. Shit flows down hill at DFF. Half my staff is drunk and the other half weren’t even hired (just kind of showed up one day). I’ll fire all their asses if I have to. Email adam2840@yahoo.com if you have anything on your mind.
Kansas City Man Still Moved By Baywatch Theme Song
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Out of Ideas, DFF Turns to Old Standby
I am a little short on ideas tonight. It is late…and frankly the “creative” part of my mind that spools out this mindless dribble has just plain turned itself off. I mean really. I thought of doing “a best of the DFF”. But I am kind of even to lazy to back over the past six months and pull off a couple of old bits.
Disease of the Week
This week we take a look at Lassa Fever, and it is a doozy of a whooper. Lassa originated in Western Africa sometime in the 1950’s. What Lassa really likes to do is get in a body and just go hog-wild on every organ it can. This bad boy is going after your kidneys, liver and spleen. At first you are going to have a very small fever. After a few days the small fever turns into a big fever, and then a big fever turns into wretched vomiting, chest pain and muscle soreness. Hold on people – this gets bad. If you ain’t treated by the time you are vomiting your brains you are in for even bigger surprises. Lassa is going after your hearing next. According to our resident physician nearly 25% of Lassa cases result in at least temporary deafness. You are not even going to be able to hear yourself vomiting (a blessing I suppose). How does one get infected with Lassa you ask? Well our research indicates it is primarily associated with rat shit (and touching or looking at people with Lassa).
Next Posting: Kansas City Man See Writing on Wall, But Can’t Read Spanish
Disease of the Week
This week we take a look at Lassa Fever, and it is a doozy of a whooper. Lassa originated in Western Africa sometime in the 1950’s. What Lassa really likes to do is get in a body and just go hog-wild on every organ it can. This bad boy is going after your kidneys, liver and spleen. At first you are going to have a very small fever. After a few days the small fever turns into a big fever, and then a big fever turns into wretched vomiting, chest pain and muscle soreness. Hold on people – this gets bad. If you ain’t treated by the time you are vomiting your brains you are in for even bigger surprises. Lassa is going after your hearing next. According to our resident physician nearly 25% of Lassa cases result in at least temporary deafness. You are not even going to be able to hear yourself vomiting (a blessing I suppose). How does one get infected with Lassa you ask? Well our research indicates it is primarily associated with rat shit (and touching or looking at people with Lassa).
Next Posting: Kansas City Man See Writing on Wall, But Can’t Read Spanish
Monday, June 25, 2007
Only 6-Months ‘Til Christmas…You’re Already Behind
Christmas is six months from today. It is time to start seriously thinking about what you are going to ask the Santa for. This year Santa and I are going to get on the same page. We had a misunderstanding last year and I ended up with diddley-pooh. I got busy and got my list in a little late. Well Christmas morning came and there was just nothing under my tree. This year I didn’t fiddle-fart around. I have already mailed my list to the North Pole.
If you are on a budget this year – here are some simple tips to simplify the gift giving season. It is never too early!
1) Begin looking closely for reasons not to buy people gifts. Make a pack with yourself that once a friend or relative is put on your “naughty” list they are not coming off (not even if they apologize numerous times). By the time November rolls around you won’t have even a single gift to buy.
2) If you do buy gifts – don’t put a lot of thought or care into gift purchases. This is the criminal equivalent to “smash and grab” shopping. Just grab what is in front of you and slap some names on the shit later.
3) Shop the sales. You won’t believe what you’ll find – you won’t care what you’ll find.
4) Search your home for gifts that have already been purchased, such as cola or unopened Kleenex.
5) Stay close to home this year. Airfare has gotten outrageous. Use the funds you would have spent on visiting your family to purchase the things you need to be successful at your New Year’s resolution (sculpture making equipment, bowling ball, kazoos).
Finally Some Nice News About Americans…We Give To Charity
We here a lot these days about the “evil American” – burning huge amounts of gas in their SUV, throwing trash out the windows, trying to kill a bunny, etc. You name something bad and it has been said about us Yanks. We’ve been called fat, lazy, self-centered, unconcerned with the crisis in Farfur, stupid about the environment, obese, stupid about global politics, enormously huge, stupid about China, defensive, edgy, homophobic, mental, egomaniacal, dangerous, gun loving, butter loving, stupid about God, gassy, bad in bed, sweaty, kitten breathy….
Well the truth is all those things might just be true. But apparently we give to charity like nobody’s business. Americans shelled out nearly 300 billion dollars last year to charitable causes. This set a new record! I didn't give jack - so count me among the people who gave. So add flippin’ generous to the list I mentioned above. Also, add ultra churchy – because 30% of that went directly to Jesus oriented religious groups.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Doesn’t Care for Chicken Buckets
If you are on a budget this year – here are some simple tips to simplify the gift giving season. It is never too early!
1) Begin looking closely for reasons not to buy people gifts. Make a pack with yourself that once a friend or relative is put on your “naughty” list they are not coming off (not even if they apologize numerous times). By the time November rolls around you won’t have even a single gift to buy.
2) If you do buy gifts – don’t put a lot of thought or care into gift purchases. This is the criminal equivalent to “smash and grab” shopping. Just grab what is in front of you and slap some names on the shit later.
3) Shop the sales. You won’t believe what you’ll find – you won’t care what you’ll find.
4) Search your home for gifts that have already been purchased, such as cola or unopened Kleenex.
5) Stay close to home this year. Airfare has gotten outrageous. Use the funds you would have spent on visiting your family to purchase the things you need to be successful at your New Year’s resolution (sculpture making equipment, bowling ball, kazoos).
Finally Some Nice News About Americans…We Give To Charity
We here a lot these days about the “evil American” – burning huge amounts of gas in their SUV, throwing trash out the windows, trying to kill a bunny, etc. You name something bad and it has been said about us Yanks. We’ve been called fat, lazy, self-centered, unconcerned with the crisis in Farfur, stupid about the environment, obese, stupid about global politics, enormously huge, stupid about China, defensive, edgy, homophobic, mental, egomaniacal, dangerous, gun loving, butter loving, stupid about God, gassy, bad in bed, sweaty, kitten breathy….
Well the truth is all those things might just be true. But apparently we give to charity like nobody’s business. Americans shelled out nearly 300 billion dollars last year to charitable causes. This set a new record! I didn't give jack - so count me among the people who gave. So add flippin’ generous to the list I mentioned above. Also, add ultra churchy – because 30% of that went directly to Jesus oriented religious groups.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Doesn’t Care for Chicken Buckets
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Free Six-Flags For Life
....If You Give Up Your Feet
A 16 year-old in Louisville, Kentucky will no doubt be receiving free Six Flags tickets for life. The girl lost both of her feet while riding the “Superman Tower of Power” ride on Thursday. A cord on the ride snapped and quickly ran off with both of her feet. Claudette Cojuir, a spokesperson Six Flags North America relayed that it is the policy of Six Flags that no guests lose any of their feet – let alone both of them. Cojuir went on to say that she had spoken with the girl and “she had no hard feelings.”
Treadmills Can Kill
I got a complaint about the treadmills at my gym. They have this emergency pull string on them. If you accidentally touch it the treadmill jerks to a stop – throwing one off the treadmill like a bronco. If someone has an emergency and they have to stop the treadmill – well they probably don’t need to be thrown like that during their emergency. Imagine if you were having a heart attack and you pulled that – and it just threw you off the treadmill and onto the ground like trash. That is insult to injury.
Continental Serves Up Cheap Coffee, Excrement
This is my favorite story of the day….A Continental flight from Amsterdam to Newark experienced a catastrophic sewage overflow. Passengers on the flight described sitting next to raw human waste for hours. One passenger reported feeling “abused and neglected.” This man wins the prize for biggest drama queen on an international flight. Abused and neglected? Get a grip fella. The passengers all received $500 travel vouchers for future Continental travel. I don’t know what it says about me, but I would totally sit next to shit if I got free airfare. I have very aggressive travel goals.
First Day of Summer - The Air Conditioner Is On
Well it had to happen sometime. The air conditioner in our house was finally turned on – probably for good. Things are really sizzling now in Kansas City. I have turned into my usual summer sweaty self. It doesn’t help that I have to wear a shirt and tie to work everyday. By the time I get to work (or home from work) I look pretty grim. It kind of reminds me of when people leave their dog outside all day in the heat. The dog ends up looking kind of sick and out of its mind. That is pretty much me each afternoon on my way home from work. You would be surprised just how hot a city bus can get.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Hauls Off Big Prizes At Company Picnic
A 16 year-old in Louisville, Kentucky will no doubt be receiving free Six Flags tickets for life. The girl lost both of her feet while riding the “Superman Tower of Power” ride on Thursday. A cord on the ride snapped and quickly ran off with both of her feet. Claudette Cojuir, a spokesperson Six Flags North America relayed that it is the policy of Six Flags that no guests lose any of their feet – let alone both of them. Cojuir went on to say that she had spoken with the girl and “she had no hard feelings.”
Treadmills Can Kill
I got a complaint about the treadmills at my gym. They have this emergency pull string on them. If you accidentally touch it the treadmill jerks to a stop – throwing one off the treadmill like a bronco. If someone has an emergency and they have to stop the treadmill – well they probably don’t need to be thrown like that during their emergency. Imagine if you were having a heart attack and you pulled that – and it just threw you off the treadmill and onto the ground like trash. That is insult to injury.
Continental Serves Up Cheap Coffee, Excrement
This is my favorite story of the day….A Continental flight from Amsterdam to Newark experienced a catastrophic sewage overflow. Passengers on the flight described sitting next to raw human waste for hours. One passenger reported feeling “abused and neglected.” This man wins the prize for biggest drama queen on an international flight. Abused and neglected? Get a grip fella. The passengers all received $500 travel vouchers for future Continental travel. I don’t know what it says about me, but I would totally sit next to shit if I got free airfare. I have very aggressive travel goals.
First Day of Summer - The Air Conditioner Is On
Well it had to happen sometime. The air conditioner in our house was finally turned on – probably for good. Things are really sizzling now in Kansas City. I have turned into my usual summer sweaty self. It doesn’t help that I have to wear a shirt and tie to work everyday. By the time I get to work (or home from work) I look pretty grim. It kind of reminds me of when people leave their dog outside all day in the heat. The dog ends up looking kind of sick and out of its mind. That is pretty much me each afternoon on my way home from work. You would be surprised just how hot a city bus can get.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Hauls Off Big Prizes At Company Picnic
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Introducing Cocky
We have a new feature here at DFF. We have enlisted the help of nature’s most wretched creature – the cockroach. He will be here every Thursday to answer your questions. We call this segment…Ask Cocky.
Our first question is from a roach in Grand Rapids, Michigan.
Dear Cocky, I have been thinking about relocating. Which do you prefer – the bathtub drain or the kitchen sink? Thanks, Dave
Hi Dave, Listen up, it is six of one – half dozen of the other. If your in the kitchen you know your going to get a good meal. Try and find a family with a binge eater. They tend to leave huge messes after midnight. If you like the cool dampness of a bathroom then stay close to a main tub drain. Avoid early mornings, when Americans tend to do most of their bathing. Good luck!
Ray from Deuce, Wyoming writes…
Dear Cocky, This family I am staying with is using all kinds of pesticides and chemicals to try and kill me. How do I tell them that it is just not working? Best, Ray
Hello Ray, This is a letter we get a lot. The family has caught you hanging out near the toaster and they are pretty steamed about it. Lay low for a while. Let things blow over. Spend a few weeks exploring the family closets, hide out in a pair of old shoes for a bit. You'll be back in the kitchen in no time.
Norris in Baltimore writes…
I am seeing this roach in a row house down the street. This broad is having like ten babies a week. I tell her she can’t prove they mine. She threatened to call the exterminator on my ass if I don’t pay my child support crumbs. The bitch crazy. What do I do?
Hi Norton, This situation can be tricky. Many male roaches find it difficult to balance the demands of family with their own disgusting need to scurry and eat shit. You have a duty to those tiny baby roaches. Pay your crumbs and be a man about it.
FYI - The inspiration for the Cocky column came from my own run in with a roach last night in my kitchen sink. While I was smashing his lights out I imagined capturing him and giving him an advice column here on DFF.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Sees Blog Hits Rock Bottom With Roach Bit
Our first question is from a roach in Grand Rapids, Michigan.
Dear Cocky, I have been thinking about relocating. Which do you prefer – the bathtub drain or the kitchen sink? Thanks, Dave
Hi Dave, Listen up, it is six of one – half dozen of the other. If your in the kitchen you know your going to get a good meal. Try and find a family with a binge eater. They tend to leave huge messes after midnight. If you like the cool dampness of a bathroom then stay close to a main tub drain. Avoid early mornings, when Americans tend to do most of their bathing. Good luck!
Ray from Deuce, Wyoming writes…
Dear Cocky, This family I am staying with is using all kinds of pesticides and chemicals to try and kill me. How do I tell them that it is just not working? Best, Ray
Hello Ray, This is a letter we get a lot. The family has caught you hanging out near the toaster and they are pretty steamed about it. Lay low for a while. Let things blow over. Spend a few weeks exploring the family closets, hide out in a pair of old shoes for a bit. You'll be back in the kitchen in no time.
Norris in Baltimore writes…
I am seeing this roach in a row house down the street. This broad is having like ten babies a week. I tell her she can’t prove they mine. She threatened to call the exterminator on my ass if I don’t pay my child support crumbs. The bitch crazy. What do I do?
Hi Norton, This situation can be tricky. Many male roaches find it difficult to balance the demands of family with their own disgusting need to scurry and eat shit. You have a duty to those tiny baby roaches. Pay your crumbs and be a man about it.
FYI - The inspiration for the Cocky column came from my own run in with a roach last night in my kitchen sink. While I was smashing his lights out I imagined capturing him and giving him an advice column here on DFF.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Sees Blog Hits Rock Bottom With Roach Bit
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Price Is Right For Rosie?
Everyone’s favorite former View host Rosie O’Donnell is rumored to be in talks with CBS to take over the Price Is Right. What does the now retired Bob Barker think of all this? When asked about the possibility of O’Donnell replacing him an obviously confused Barker commented that the show would be in goods hands with a male host and that O’Donnell would be perfect for the role. When the L.A. Times reporter corrected the gender of O’Donnell Barker only laughed and mouthed “I know ladies, that ain’t no lady”.
Investment Opportunity
I hear a lot these days about investing, who’s doing it, what they are investing in, how much cold cash they are taking to the banks, etc. Well we at DFF are always looking to diversify our business model. Frankly we rely a little too much on revenue generated through our online department store. The Fryer blog does generate some income – but not as much as you would think. I had our attorney look into the legal ramifications of DFF starting some kind of reader investment club. Basically what I want to do is take your money – invest that money and give you a little profit. I want to turn your money into even more money. Unfortunately our attorney seemed to think this was a bad, bad idea. She reminded me of my own troubled investment past (foreclosed homes, owning a lot of swamps, living in a dumpster, losing my dumpster). The consensus around DFF World Headquarters was that DFF needs to stick with what it does best – posting a half-witted social commentary, and selling fried chicken and tires.
Rumors Unfounded, Hurtful
I wanted to address some rumors that have been swirling. Many of you have noticed my sudden, unplanned, loss of weight. Well I am not on cocaine. I can't stress that enough. No cocaine.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Thinks TV Is On To Something
Investment Opportunity
I hear a lot these days about investing, who’s doing it, what they are investing in, how much cold cash they are taking to the banks, etc. Well we at DFF are always looking to diversify our business model. Frankly we rely a little too much on revenue generated through our online department store. The Fryer blog does generate some income – but not as much as you would think. I had our attorney look into the legal ramifications of DFF starting some kind of reader investment club. Basically what I want to do is take your money – invest that money and give you a little profit. I want to turn your money into even more money. Unfortunately our attorney seemed to think this was a bad, bad idea. She reminded me of my own troubled investment past (foreclosed homes, owning a lot of swamps, living in a dumpster, losing my dumpster). The consensus around DFF World Headquarters was that DFF needs to stick with what it does best – posting a half-witted social commentary, and selling fried chicken and tires.
Rumors Unfounded, Hurtful
I wanted to address some rumors that have been swirling. Many of you have noticed my sudden, unplanned, loss of weight. Well I am not on cocaine. I can't stress that enough. No cocaine.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Thinks TV Is On To Something
Monday, June 18, 2007
Random Thoughts
1) My Weekly Company Newsletter – The thing states that you should call a professional counselor if you are feeling depressed for as little as two weeks. Come on – two weeks? I call that just getting started. You’d have to be a real candy-ass to call a shrink after two weeks of feeling the blues.
2) Why is the coffee they provide at work so BAD? It is not just bad – but bad beyond belief. It is true at any office you are at. In my particular office they make Folgers available. Folgers is normally a very reliable cup. At my office it tastes like someone ground up cigarettes and boiled them. Oh god, it will give me night terrors just thinking about it. Blah.
3) Downtown Kansas City is really coming back to life. It is hard to belief – but hope is on every street corner. Not Hope the prostitute – but hope that the revitalizing efforts in the urban core are working. My new bus route snakes its way through downtown and I am really enjoying it. The finishing touches are being put on new restaurants, theatres, office buildings, etc. At every turn it seems something new is happening. It is quite an amazing turnaround from when I moved here five years ago. Now there will be something to do in Kansas City besides worship old you-know-who.
Congratulations…
Julia Roberts just had another baby. She is really working on creating her own little race of big lipped, loud laughing, little rascals. While we are happy for Julia (and husband Danny Moder)…we will throw some criticism their way. Names of the last three Roberts-Moder children: Henry, Hazel and Phinneaus. Those aren’t kids names, it is the damn roll call for pills down at the Livingdead Retirement Facility. Way to rush your kids through childhood you two. Suggestions for your next three kids: Dick, Lou and Ruth.
Movie Review: Notes On A Scandal
They should call this movie Notes On Making Me Vomit. What a terrible movie. I won’t spoil it – but if you rent this you are going to see a lot more of Judi Dench then you planned when the movie started. It is not just Judi Dench in the bath that made this movie poor (oh shit, I gave it away). I understand not everyone looks like Meredith Baxter Birney in the tub. The movie was just not uplifting enough. I also struggled to understand the British accents. At one point I wasn’t sure if Dench was taking notes on the scandal or a friend’s brisket.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Ends Suspense, Will Pay Into Company’s 457 Plan
2) Why is the coffee they provide at work so BAD? It is not just bad – but bad beyond belief. It is true at any office you are at. In my particular office they make Folgers available. Folgers is normally a very reliable cup. At my office it tastes like someone ground up cigarettes and boiled them. Oh god, it will give me night terrors just thinking about it. Blah.
3) Downtown Kansas City is really coming back to life. It is hard to belief – but hope is on every street corner. Not Hope the prostitute – but hope that the revitalizing efforts in the urban core are working. My new bus route snakes its way through downtown and I am really enjoying it. The finishing touches are being put on new restaurants, theatres, office buildings, etc. At every turn it seems something new is happening. It is quite an amazing turnaround from when I moved here five years ago. Now there will be something to do in Kansas City besides worship old you-know-who.
Congratulations…
Julia Roberts just had another baby. She is really working on creating her own little race of big lipped, loud laughing, little rascals. While we are happy for Julia (and husband Danny Moder)…we will throw some criticism their way. Names of the last three Roberts-Moder children: Henry, Hazel and Phinneaus. Those aren’t kids names, it is the damn roll call for pills down at the Livingdead Retirement Facility. Way to rush your kids through childhood you two. Suggestions for your next three kids: Dick, Lou and Ruth.
Movie Review: Notes On A Scandal
They should call this movie Notes On Making Me Vomit. What a terrible movie. I won’t spoil it – but if you rent this you are going to see a lot more of Judi Dench then you planned when the movie started. It is not just Judi Dench in the bath that made this movie poor (oh shit, I gave it away). I understand not everyone looks like Meredith Baxter Birney in the tub. The movie was just not uplifting enough. I also struggled to understand the British accents. At one point I wasn’t sure if Dench was taking notes on the scandal or a friend’s brisket.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Ends Suspense, Will Pay Into Company’s 457 Plan
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Hasselhoff Wins Custody, Questions Linger
David Hasselhoff has won the custody fight with his ex-wife Pam Bach. Hasselhoff was recently in the news for encouraging one of his daughters to film him in a booze haze (whilst he attempted to eat a Wendy’s) – while the daughter yelled at him that he is a drunkard. What in the world must be wrong with Pam Bach? If you are losing a custody battle to a David Hasselhoff you got to have some serous personal defects. If I were Pam Bach I would be doing some serious reflecting, asking myself some tough questions. My first one would be how in hell did I lose a custody battle to that guy? What could be so wrong with her that a judge would look at Hasselhoff and say yes, you take care of those kids. Is she a vampire? That is the only thing I could think of that would make her a worse parent than Hasselhoff - if she sucked the children's blood.
Tired of the Same Old News
What is with the news? Jeez, I watched the same stories two years ago. If you would have slipped into a coma on June 19, 2005 and woke up on June 19, 2007 you would not have missed a thing. It is all immigration debate and the Iraq War. It is the same windbag politicians, the same rhetoric and the same results. The only thing that has changed is my hairline.
Quote of the Week
“She had a great reception in heaven”
This was the Rev. Billy Graham on the welcome that his recently deceased wife received upon flinging open the pearly gates of the afterlife. Graham will have you believe his wife was greeted with a cake and punch reception. DFF thinks that was a little presumptuous of Graham. Not saying the women wasn’t a saint – but jeesh, this guy got a direct line to God or what? DFF knows a little something about the afterlife and we thinks we smell a rat.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Delightful On a Day Trip
Tired of the Same Old News
What is with the news? Jeez, I watched the same stories two years ago. If you would have slipped into a coma on June 19, 2005 and woke up on June 19, 2007 you would not have missed a thing. It is all immigration debate and the Iraq War. It is the same windbag politicians, the same rhetoric and the same results. The only thing that has changed is my hairline.
Quote of the Week
“She had a great reception in heaven”
This was the Rev. Billy Graham on the welcome that his recently deceased wife received upon flinging open the pearly gates of the afterlife. Graham will have you believe his wife was greeted with a cake and punch reception. DFF thinks that was a little presumptuous of Graham. Not saying the women wasn’t a saint – but jeesh, this guy got a direct line to God or what? DFF knows a little something about the afterlife and we thinks we smell a rat.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Delightful On a Day Trip
Thursday, June 14, 2007
First Thing I’m Getting When I Hit the Lotto…
A mouth full of big-old horsy teeth – huge white pearly ones…the sizes of thumbs. A lady I ride the bus with has a pair of these. It always looks like she is in a good mood. Her teeth are there a full two minutes before she even goes to say something.
Hamas Controls Gaza
I have given up trying to understand this conflict. I know something bad is happening in Israel – I just can’t get my mind around it. CNN tried explaining it to me – like a one minute synopsis of the last 15 years of conflict. It just left me with more questions. Who is Hamas and why is he always firing his gun directly into the air. Why is Gaza so ticked at Hamas? How can Gaza be both a person and a place? What does Israel even care if Hamas and Gaza come to blows? So many questions – so little intelligence to comprehend the answers.
National Audubon Society At It Again
As if we haven’t heard enough from this group – now they are telling us that American yard birds are disappearing, threatened, inconvenienced, etc. I invite them to come to my home, sit on my deck and watch all the tweeities I got flying around my backyard. It is like a damn (wherever a lot of birds stay). Last week I actually got crapped on by one of them while I stood innocently in my driveway. The gloom and doom crowd over at the Audubon Society will have you believe that common yard birds are being lost to global warming, over population and pollution. They will also tell you that common house cats are decimating the populations of domestic birds. Regardless if they are right – they are still incredibly lame for even looking into.
Justice Sits Around…Finally Catches Up With Mississippi Man
A jury deliberating since 1964 finally convicted James Ford Seale in the murder of two black teenagers in southwest Mississippi. It is unclear as to what in heavens took 43 years. A defiant Seale told the media “I’m an old feller.”
Immigration Questions
The question I am asked more than any other is my stance on immigration. People want to know how I feel about immigrants, what deep seeded nastiness lurks just below my trademark grimace. More often than not I tend to form an opinion based entirely on my own economic interests. Immigration (the illegal variety especially) allows a flood of eager-beaver workers who are willing to perform a variety of services for a pittance. Unfortunately they still charge more than I can afford. So I don’t really have an opinion on immigration. Maybe we let all of Mexico in and just deal with it all at once. There can’t be to many folks left down there anyhow. No one is using Michigan or North Dakota anymore.
Kansas City Man Thinks You Were Right About Crystal Meth
Hamas Controls Gaza
I have given up trying to understand this conflict. I know something bad is happening in Israel – I just can’t get my mind around it. CNN tried explaining it to me – like a one minute synopsis of the last 15 years of conflict. It just left me with more questions. Who is Hamas and why is he always firing his gun directly into the air. Why is Gaza so ticked at Hamas? How can Gaza be both a person and a place? What does Israel even care if Hamas and Gaza come to blows? So many questions – so little intelligence to comprehend the answers.
National Audubon Society At It Again
As if we haven’t heard enough from this group – now they are telling us that American yard birds are disappearing, threatened, inconvenienced, etc. I invite them to come to my home, sit on my deck and watch all the tweeities I got flying around my backyard. It is like a damn (wherever a lot of birds stay). Last week I actually got crapped on by one of them while I stood innocently in my driveway. The gloom and doom crowd over at the Audubon Society will have you believe that common yard birds are being lost to global warming, over population and pollution. They will also tell you that common house cats are decimating the populations of domestic birds. Regardless if they are right – they are still incredibly lame for even looking into.
Justice Sits Around…Finally Catches Up With Mississippi Man
A jury deliberating since 1964 finally convicted James Ford Seale in the murder of two black teenagers in southwest Mississippi. It is unclear as to what in heavens took 43 years. A defiant Seale told the media “I’m an old feller.”
Immigration Questions
The question I am asked more than any other is my stance on immigration. People want to know how I feel about immigrants, what deep seeded nastiness lurks just below my trademark grimace. More often than not I tend to form an opinion based entirely on my own economic interests. Immigration (the illegal variety especially) allows a flood of eager-beaver workers who are willing to perform a variety of services for a pittance. Unfortunately they still charge more than I can afford. So I don’t really have an opinion on immigration. Maybe we let all of Mexico in and just deal with it all at once. There can’t be to many folks left down there anyhow. No one is using Michigan or North Dakota anymore.
Kansas City Man Thinks You Were Right About Crystal Meth
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Hold Up Iran, Let’s Think This Over
The Iranian parliament today passed a decree (by a vote of 148-5) that individuals involved in the production or distribution of pornographic films are eligible for the death penalty. They said some crap about porn being the “corrupter of the world”. Now before you go agreeing – I had our research department do a little homework on this topic. It turns out that the Iranian definition of porno is a little different than the American one. In Iranian film just casting a gaze on the fairer sex will get you a PG13-rating. Holding hands will get you an R-rating, and a good night kiss will get you XXX billing. Oh Iran…what are we going to do with you?
Tips For Staying Cool This Summer
It is that time of year once again – temperatures across the country are rocketing toward triple digits. Our super sized American thighs are already sticking to our car seats. What to do? Here are a couple of tride and true tips for beating the heat this summer.
1) Ditch the silky underwears – go with cottons and cool your ass down
2) Make friends with an Eskimo
In Memorial…
Mr. Wizard (aka Don Herbert) passed away yesterday at the ripe old age of 89. Until viewing his obituary I had no idea that Mr. Wizard existed as a TV star outside of 1980’s Nickelodeon. Indeed – his “resume” revealed that he had delighted children in both the 1950’s and 1960’s as well. From the article I saw on the latimes.com it was unclear how he spent the 1970’s. One can imagine a heavily afroed Mr. Wizard passed out in the back of a discotech. Well I don’t care what he did in the 70’s. He was there for me in the 1980’s. Interestingly it was not the experiments* or science lessons I took away. More importantly, Mr. Wiz taught me to trust. He showed me that middle-aged men who invite young people into their homes and film them can, nay, must be trusted.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Seeking Full-Figured Broad
*It took me five tries to spell “experiments” correctly.
Tips For Staying Cool This Summer
It is that time of year once again – temperatures across the country are rocketing toward triple digits. Our super sized American thighs are already sticking to our car seats. What to do? Here are a couple of tride and true tips for beating the heat this summer.
1) Ditch the silky underwears – go with cottons and cool your ass down
2) Make friends with an Eskimo
In Memorial…
Mr. Wizard (aka Don Herbert) passed away yesterday at the ripe old age of 89. Until viewing his obituary I had no idea that Mr. Wizard existed as a TV star outside of 1980’s Nickelodeon. Indeed – his “resume” revealed that he had delighted children in both the 1950’s and 1960’s as well. From the article I saw on the latimes.com it was unclear how he spent the 1970’s. One can imagine a heavily afroed Mr. Wizard passed out in the back of a discotech. Well I don’t care what he did in the 70’s. He was there for me in the 1980’s. Interestingly it was not the experiments* or science lessons I took away. More importantly, Mr. Wiz taught me to trust. He showed me that middle-aged men who invite young people into their homes and film them can, nay, must be trusted.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Seeking Full-Figured Broad
*It took me five tries to spell “experiments” correctly.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Vomiting Not As Glamorous As I Remembered
It has been a long time since I vomited. I think it was five years ago – due to a rancid batch of Stove Top Stuffing. If you’ve never vomited that stuff…well I would highly recommend it. Oh boy! I got a crippling headache yesterday at work. My 45 minute ride home on the bus only made the problem worse. I picked up my car at the park-n-ride, ran a red light and made it into the house five seconds before I lost my lunch (a PB&J if you’re wondering). It wasn’t my finest moment – but I felt instantly better. I still do have a slight headache though.
Complaint #1,298
I need people on airplanes to just SIT in their assigned seat. If the airline thought you should sit there – you should. On a flight last week from KC to Detroit no fewer than four couples requested seat changes while boarding. People were getting up and moving, flight attendants were in motion – trying to cut deals. I am extremely irritable at boarding time and this really aggravated me. I turned to the lady sitting next to me and said something about how I didn’t understand why people couldn’t just sit in the seat Northwest had given them. She agreed. Am I to believe these people can’t be apart from their loved one for even an hour? The plane was so loud it is not as if you could hear anyone talk anyway. I had to scream at the top of my lungs for my 3 ounces of water.
On another airline not – I am glad to see Northwest finally selling high-end snacks. I really like the trail mix they are dealing (and at two dollars it is a real value). It is a great change from those mini-pretzels they were giving out last year. Blah!
TV Show Review
If you aren’t watching ABC’s Nanny 9-1-1, than you are a real horses you-know-what. What a great show that is. They take this real life British nanny and they put her in a house with terrible parents and stank-rotten kids. In less than an hour she has that house turned around with her English sensibility. Last night she tackled a family where the mom had resorted to slapping as her primary means of communication. If one of her kids wanted something she would just slap them (meaning NO!). Supper Nanny basically told this mom to cut it out. The mom listened and the whole house got better. The dad needed a little help as well. He had gone all “absentee” on account of the mom being kind of screwy. Super Nanny managed to coax the dad back in the house. Super Nanny just has a lot of wisdom to give.
Why Missouri Can Kiss My Assets
Thanks Missouri , thanks for the $700 property tax bill on the USED car we just bought. I am not sure what they are doing with the money – our potholes are the size of Delaware and you can’t get anyone on the horn in Jefferson City anymore. I need to feel a little more taken advantage of.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Waters Wife, Hugs Grass
Complaint #1,298
I need people on airplanes to just SIT in their assigned seat. If the airline thought you should sit there – you should. On a flight last week from KC to Detroit no fewer than four couples requested seat changes while boarding. People were getting up and moving, flight attendants were in motion – trying to cut deals. I am extremely irritable at boarding time and this really aggravated me. I turned to the lady sitting next to me and said something about how I didn’t understand why people couldn’t just sit in the seat Northwest had given them. She agreed. Am I to believe these people can’t be apart from their loved one for even an hour? The plane was so loud it is not as if you could hear anyone talk anyway. I had to scream at the top of my lungs for my 3 ounces of water.
On another airline not – I am glad to see Northwest finally selling high-end snacks. I really like the trail mix they are dealing (and at two dollars it is a real value). It is a great change from those mini-pretzels they were giving out last year. Blah!
TV Show Review
If you aren’t watching ABC’s Nanny 9-1-1, than you are a real horses you-know-what. What a great show that is. They take this real life British nanny and they put her in a house with terrible parents and stank-rotten kids. In less than an hour she has that house turned around with her English sensibility. Last night she tackled a family where the mom had resorted to slapping as her primary means of communication. If one of her kids wanted something she would just slap them (meaning NO!). Supper Nanny basically told this mom to cut it out. The mom listened and the whole house got better. The dad needed a little help as well. He had gone all “absentee” on account of the mom being kind of screwy. Super Nanny managed to coax the dad back in the house. Super Nanny just has a lot of wisdom to give.
Why Missouri Can Kiss My Assets
Thanks Missouri , thanks for the $700 property tax bill on the USED car we just bought. I am not sure what they are doing with the money – our potholes are the size of Delaware and you can’t get anyone on the horn in Jefferson City anymore. I need to feel a little more taken advantage of.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Waters Wife, Hugs Grass
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
Week of Being The New Guy Is Exhaustive – Sweat Inducing
Well this week has been exhaustive. Who knew that starting a new job could take up so much time. I will hit the highlights here. First of all I got a pretty fat cubical – for a cubical it is pretty swank. I got a desk, a desk behind my desk and a table that is completely off in its own corner. I also have a book shelf and a window. Other than that…it is really pretty drab. The whole place is pretty clinical – about what you would expect from a government office building built in the 1970’s.
Oh and they are making my ass wear a shirt and tie everyday. I kind of paw and whimper at my collar all day long like a little doggie. They make all the gentlemen wear this. It kind of sucks because when the sun is out my cubicle heats up to a boil. I perspire something fierce. The actual work seems fine. There are no surprises there. Everyone is nice. After only two days working there and I got ten happy birthday wishes (today is the big day!).
God Hates Kansas City
I think God really doesn’t like Kansas City. I think when he created it he was super mad about something we said or did. I mainly think this because of three particular forms of weather here. The first occurs in the winter. In lieu of snow…God decided he would just throw down ice so he could watch our asses slip and fall. In the spring God thought it would be a laugh a minute to let us live every moment in fear of twisters. And as if that wasn’t cruel enough – God created the Kansas City summer, the biggest joke of all. God takes all his might and heats the air to 90 degrees and then uses his God-ass powers to whup the wind into 60mph gusts. What God has created is the effect of going about ones day in a blast furnace. This morning I actually heard this referred to on a local TV station as “blustery-hot”.
Urinal Etiquette
In the last two days I have had two very disturbing trips to the restroom. The first one occurred on my second day of work. This guy (maybe my boss?) starts talking to me about some contract or something he is concerned about. He is really going on and on about the thing. I am standing there trying to focus. He is yapping at the sink behind me and asking me questions. We are not ladies – the bathroom isn’t a conference room in which to solve all the problems of the world. I can't think about a contract while I am going. The Golden Rule of maleness is that in a bathroom you keep your eyes on the floor and your yapper shut.
Then today I am in the bathroom at a certain retail giant. I step up to my urinal and I can just feel this old guy next to me start to open up his fat trap. Well he starts yacking and asking me if I think we are going to get any rain tonight. I wanted to tell him NO – I heard this morning we are dry until the weekend. But I was just so mad I told him I wasn’t sure and then I got the hell out of there.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Disappears, Reappears Hours Later
Oh and they are making my ass wear a shirt and tie everyday. I kind of paw and whimper at my collar all day long like a little doggie. They make all the gentlemen wear this. It kind of sucks because when the sun is out my cubicle heats up to a boil. I perspire something fierce. The actual work seems fine. There are no surprises there. Everyone is nice. After only two days working there and I got ten happy birthday wishes (today is the big day!).
God Hates Kansas City
I think God really doesn’t like Kansas City. I think when he created it he was super mad about something we said or did. I mainly think this because of three particular forms of weather here. The first occurs in the winter. In lieu of snow…God decided he would just throw down ice so he could watch our asses slip and fall. In the spring God thought it would be a laugh a minute to let us live every moment in fear of twisters. And as if that wasn’t cruel enough – God created the Kansas City summer, the biggest joke of all. God takes all his might and heats the air to 90 degrees and then uses his God-ass powers to whup the wind into 60mph gusts. What God has created is the effect of going about ones day in a blast furnace. This morning I actually heard this referred to on a local TV station as “blustery-hot”.
Urinal Etiquette
In the last two days I have had two very disturbing trips to the restroom. The first one occurred on my second day of work. This guy (maybe my boss?) starts talking to me about some contract or something he is concerned about. He is really going on and on about the thing. I am standing there trying to focus. He is yapping at the sink behind me and asking me questions. We are not ladies – the bathroom isn’t a conference room in which to solve all the problems of the world. I can't think about a contract while I am going. The Golden Rule of maleness is that in a bathroom you keep your eyes on the floor and your yapper shut.
Then today I am in the bathroom at a certain retail giant. I step up to my urinal and I can just feel this old guy next to me start to open up his fat trap. Well he starts yacking and asking me if I think we are going to get any rain tonight. I wanted to tell him NO – I heard this morning we are dry until the weekend. But I was just so mad I told him I wasn’t sure and then I got the hell out of there.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Disappears, Reappears Hours Later
Monday, June 4, 2007
New Job Eve
So this is the eve of my first day at my new job. Nerves, nerves, nerves. No, I am cool about it. I have packed all the things I need to be comfortable in my new surroundings. Here is the list of actual items I have packed for my first day.
1) Tampa Bay Buccaneer Super Bowl 35 championship mousepad
2) Tampa Bay Buccaneer coffee mug (with novelty palm tree coffee stir)
3) 9x9 dry erase board (for recording my tasks)
4) Desk fan
5) Portable radio for tunes w/headphones for
6) Dilbert desk calendar
My job search was exhaustive and time consuming. All hobbies and interests were shelved. All my energy was redirected toward my job search. Now that I have conquered Mt. GetMoreCash I will have to find some other challenge, some other personal quest. It will be weird to get up Monday morning and go some place different. I have gone to the same place everyday for nearly four years. What if I get confused, go to the wrong place and accidentally get my old job back?
Weekend In Review
Friday after work I boozed it up with a couple of my (now ex) coworkers to celebrate my freedom. After I got home from boozing with my coworkers my wife and I picked up my mother-in-law and sister-in-law. We went to this place called Wines By Jennifer. It was nice – we had wine (though not actually served by Jennifer). It was more of a wine tasting thing. I think they should cut a lot of the mumbo-jumbo wine talk and just give it to you. After that we went and had some dessert.
Saturday morning I made a huge omelet. I stuffed that puppy full of onions, fakin’ bacon, and cheese. It was really very heavy. After that I don’t know what I did. As I have gotten older I find that a lot of time goes missing while I sit around thinking about what I should be doing. A little later that day my wife and I went put-put golfing to celebrate my the birthday of our niece. After put-put we had pizza, cake, ice cream and watching kids open presents.
That brings us to today. Today I got up, made some eggs, cut the grass, went for a bike ride to Sears, drove to Kohl’s and talked on the phone. I like cutting the grass. I feel all house proud after it is done. I say a little thank you to Wells Fargo for thinking enough of my wife and I to let us have a mortgage on this little American dream. It is a beautiful partnership. With each mortgage payment my wife and I like to imagine which piece of the house we have just taken total ownership of. So far we have paid off the tiles around the toilet in the hall bathroom, a windowsill in the kitchen above the sink, and a blade of grass by the mailbox. In just 291/2 years this will all be ours.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Predicts Growth Healthcare Field
1) Tampa Bay Buccaneer Super Bowl 35 championship mousepad
2) Tampa Bay Buccaneer coffee mug (with novelty palm tree coffee stir)
3) 9x9 dry erase board (for recording my tasks)
4) Desk fan
5) Portable radio for tunes w/headphones for
6) Dilbert desk calendar
My job search was exhaustive and time consuming. All hobbies and interests were shelved. All my energy was redirected toward my job search. Now that I have conquered Mt. GetMoreCash I will have to find some other challenge, some other personal quest. It will be weird to get up Monday morning and go some place different. I have gone to the same place everyday for nearly four years. What if I get confused, go to the wrong place and accidentally get my old job back?
Weekend In Review
Friday after work I boozed it up with a couple of my (now ex) coworkers to celebrate my freedom. After I got home from boozing with my coworkers my wife and I picked up my mother-in-law and sister-in-law. We went to this place called Wines By Jennifer. It was nice – we had wine (though not actually served by Jennifer). It was more of a wine tasting thing. I think they should cut a lot of the mumbo-jumbo wine talk and just give it to you. After that we went and had some dessert.
Saturday morning I made a huge omelet. I stuffed that puppy full of onions, fakin’ bacon, and cheese. It was really very heavy. After that I don’t know what I did. As I have gotten older I find that a lot of time goes missing while I sit around thinking about what I should be doing. A little later that day my wife and I went put-put golfing to celebrate my the birthday of our niece. After put-put we had pizza, cake, ice cream and watching kids open presents.
That brings us to today. Today I got up, made some eggs, cut the grass, went for a bike ride to Sears, drove to Kohl’s and talked on the phone. I like cutting the grass. I feel all house proud after it is done. I say a little thank you to Wells Fargo for thinking enough of my wife and I to let us have a mortgage on this little American dream. It is a beautiful partnership. With each mortgage payment my wife and I like to imagine which piece of the house we have just taken total ownership of. So far we have paid off the tiles around the toilet in the hall bathroom, a windowsill in the kitchen above the sink, and a blade of grass by the mailbox. In just 291/2 years this will all be ours.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Predicts Growth Healthcare Field
Friday, June 1, 2007
Things You Might See If You Come to My Door on a Sunday at 2pm
My neighbor (we’ll call her “Helena” ‘cause I couldn’t begin to remember her name) came to my door on Sunday afternoon with the gift of a recently picked bag of garden vegetables. Very nice. Unfortunately I was ill prepared for visitors and thus quite pants-less. It was just me – in my boxers – holding a caulking gun. I had just minutes before begun the arduous task of sealing windows…the gaps in which my wife believes allows a sort of bug freeway into our home. I have never seen these bugs she speaks of – but they appear to rattle her nerves. When it became apparent that this woman was our neighbor (and not a Bible thumper) I excused myself and found some pants. When I returned – now more clothed – Helena gave me a bag of veggies and told me there was plenty more where that came from.
Bad Babysitter Alert
A teenage babysitter in Waterford, Pennsylvania fell asleep on Wednesday while watching a 20-month-old and two year old. When she woke up a short time later both of the children she was supposed to have been watching had accidentally drowned in a pond. No word on the identify of this “bad babysitter” – but we will stay on top of the story. DFF is committed to putting this bad babysitter out of business for good.
Last Day
Today is my last day at my job. Though our separation was initiated by me – the whole week has been much more emotional than I thought it would be. I feel a little like some caged up cockatiel – who has longed for freedom for years. But when that cage door is accidentally left open one day and it has a chance to escape…well it is not so sure it is ready for freedom. What will it be like at a new employer? Will they provide a delicious assortment of baked goods each Friday morning? Ready or not, freedom comes for this cockatiel at 4pm today. When that door swings open it is going to look like I was blasted from a cannon. I am ready for all that awaits on the other side.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Flops on Broadway
Bad Babysitter Alert
A teenage babysitter in Waterford, Pennsylvania fell asleep on Wednesday while watching a 20-month-old and two year old. When she woke up a short time later both of the children she was supposed to have been watching had accidentally drowned in a pond. No word on the identify of this “bad babysitter” – but we will stay on top of the story. DFF is committed to putting this bad babysitter out of business for good.
Last Day
Today is my last day at my job. Though our separation was initiated by me – the whole week has been much more emotional than I thought it would be. I feel a little like some caged up cockatiel – who has longed for freedom for years. But when that cage door is accidentally left open one day and it has a chance to escape…well it is not so sure it is ready for freedom. What will it be like at a new employer? Will they provide a delicious assortment of baked goods each Friday morning? Ready or not, freedom comes for this cockatiel at 4pm today. When that door swings open it is going to look like I was blasted from a cannon. I am ready for all that awaits on the other side.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Flops on Broadway
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