Travel is one of the greatest joys a person can have. There is nothing quite like packing your suitcase and setting off to a vacation destination more exotic and interesting than your own backyard. My own backyard would definitely make for a poor vacation spot. Due to my negligence much of our backyard could be termed The Ankle-Breaker Ranch. In one step the terrain dips low and then in another it juts back into the air. During heavy rains lakes form in the dips and create watery housing units for mosquito families. But that is why we go on vacation, to forget about our mosquito bites and broken ankles.

I never thought I would be someone who would actually get to go on a vacation. I just never figured I would have the financial wherewithal to actually travel more than 20 minutes outside of my living room. My college major had been chosen w/all the care of someone picking out windshield wiper fluid. I just assumed a B.A. in History would prove rather un-lucrative. In college travel for me had meant shopping at the Wal-Mart across town, instead of the one right outside my door.

The geography of Kansas City would make one think God created it on the cheap, and with little imagination. Picture God: It is 200 billion years ago, he is locked in his den planning our Earth. He is clearly pooped from having just carved out Alaska. His assistant Cordero reminds him that he has left a very small hole in the middle of North America. God sighs and determines it would just be easier to finish it now, rather than drag this thing into a seventh day and have it ruin his Sunday too. He begins to draw up a wild landscape – but Cordero reminds him the entire project is so far over budget it is not even funny. God erases the mountains, the volcano, the waterfall, and even a tiny peninsula that if you squint kind of looks like the future Britney Spears. What is left is eraser shavings and a very exasperated God.

The city was provided no mountains, hills, oceans, deserts, caves, bluffs, valleys, lookouts, tunnels or forests. We do have a single river, the Missouri, with its lazy, tepid, trek through the heart of the city. I have never developed the affinity for the Missouri River that I did for Tampa Bay in the years I lived in Tampa. In some cities the landscape becomes such a part of the city that the two are almost inseparable. What would San Francisco be without the Bay? How could Chicago survive without Lake Michigan? Would anyone recognize Seattle without Mt. Rainer looming over its shoulder?

Kansas City is astonishingly free of these types of natural wonders. That is not to say that Kansas City is void of all splendors. In the autumn the city shakes off the toasted brown foliage of late summer and morphs into a sky of reds, oranges and yellows. In the spring it gives birth to vivid blooms of pink and white flowers. But for the most part the landscape is unimaginative.

Despite the dearth of an interesting topography my wife and I did choose to stay here. It is a remarkably easy and comfortable place to live. We find this out all over again every time we travel. The joy of traveling is second only to the joy of returning.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Can't Learn Spanish Without Hugs

Happy 4th of July

Check back next week for all new episodes. I am going on assignment to the National Baby Booty Museum in Vittles, North Dakota. See you on Monday!

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Survives Flapjack Fiasco

Will Work For i-Phone

So this weekend was the coming out party for the latest technology that will change our pathetic lives into something much fuller and juicer – the iPhone. The iPhone just might do that. The televisions is telling me this. I must admit that more than once on Friday I thought about making a lightning quick withdraw from the ATM and getting me an iPhone (or thieving it from someone who already had one). I thought it would have been awesome to walk into work on Monday and show all them suckas that I had $600 laying around for a new telephone. My wife would have been furious though, but only until I showed her the device. At that time she would have said something along the lines of “baby, I am so glad you treated yourself to such an extravagant new toy.” But I really decided that I will just wait a few more months.

Make A 4th of July to Remember

Planning a huge 4th of July blowout party for all your homeboys this Wednesday? Deep Fat Fryer is here to help. We interviewed reputable party planner Dotty VanOtty to give us a few tips on how to make your 4th of July bash really special this year.

Deep Fat Fryer (DFF): Hi Dotty.
Dotty VanOtty (DVO): Hi DFF, thank you for having me. I am SO excited to be here. I am a huge fan of the blog, and my kids just love the new DFF cereal.
DFF: We are SO happy you are here (blushing). Let me start by asking what the most important element of planning a 4th of July party is?
DVO: First you need to sit down and create a list of invitees. Choose people whom you know and whose company you enjoy. You will...
DFF: Dotty let me stop you for a minute. This list – is something that should be made electronically?
DVO: It doesn’t particularly matter if it is electronic or not. You just need to come up with a guest list. Make sure and...
DFF: And these are people I already know?
DVO: I don’t understand. Yes they are people you know. So after you create your list...
DFF: You know I have to stop you again. How many people should be on the list?
DVO: Alright. In the party planning business we call this knowing your “party capacity”. You want to make sure not to include so many people that you can’t handle it. I once planned an event for…
DFF: What about food? How will I know how much food to buy?
DVO: I don’t understand why you keep interrupting me. You buy enough food to feed the amount of people you have invited. Why are you...
DFF: I am sorry, and I hope this isn’t rude – but what are your credentials as a party planner?
DVO: Excuse me! I have over 25 years experience planning top-drawer events in and around the Cleveland metro area. What are your credentials as a writer?
DFF: Ms. VanOther I think this interview is over!
DVO: Mr. Fryer I think this interview is over!
DFF: Oh, oh, and you should know they recalled that cereal. It causes pneumonia in the weak!

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Glad to Put Monday Behind Him