Happy Labor Day!

No, it is not quite Labor Day. But yours truly did take a half-day on Thursday to go to the DMV. I also went to the foot doctor for some kick ass shoe inserts. My right leg is severely shorter than the left one. This means I lean to the side when something isn’t wedged up under my right foot. So each time I get a new pair of shoes I take them into the orthopedist and he glues two inches of foam to the inside of my right shoe. This allows me to stand upright, instead of just falling over.

My DMV visit was fairly uneventful. I had to register my car for yet another year of crappy driving. Of note, I did have egg on my face when informed that the DMV does not accept debit or credit cards (because at the DMV it is always 1979). To illustrate this point they were also playing really horrible 70’s rock music over the intercom.

Other big news – I am picking up a not-so-new couch on Monday. I stalked craiglist.com for a few weeks until I found the one I wanted. My wife and I have been remodeling our basement. A gently used couch will be the centerpiece. Even I am shocked by the sheer niceness of the basement. It is funny what paint can do. I have a couple of small things to do – but I’m nearly there. My wife has been somewhat of a reluctant participant in the basement remodel, believing there is no end to my need to improve our home. I disagree (but she is right). Some gene deep inside me has turned on. I can’t turn it off now. All I see when I looked around is things that need to be sanded, painted, sealed, caulked, blasted, buffed, landscaped, or chopped down. My sister is the same way. I think we got a lot of nervous energy.

What Would Jesus Do?

I would be doing the blog a disservice if I did not mention embattled Idaho Senator Larry Craig. By now we all know Craig was stalking around the Minneapolis airport looking for some dude-love. He denies this. But from what I’ve heard he reached under a bathroom stall and grabbed a dude’s ankle. That is pretty damning. Should Craig resign? I don’t know, let’s ask God. I’ll give it a call right now (insert dialing noise)...

Heavenly Secretary: This is Heaven. How can I help you?
Mr. Fryer: Hi, can you put me through to God.
Heavenly Secretary: What is this regarding?
Mr. Fryer: I want to ask God about Larry Craig.
Heavenly Secretary: God doesn’t have time for that shit. Go fuck a fig.

Goodnight

Well I am going for a run. Since I got my new insert in my shoe today so I can finally try out the new running shoes I purchased several weeks ago. Eat my dust bitches!

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Glad To Be Back Too, Appreciate Sentiments

Heat Rash Worsens

Toward the end of summer I begin to get wildly impatient with the relentless heat of Kansas City. Much like our BBQ sauce (and guns), it is smoking hot. I myself have always hated the destructive power of Kansas City heat. It is like a crying baby, relentless in its quest to make everyone uncomfortable. First it kills your grass, then your soul. The long and short of it is that I need summer to be over before I go bananas. I have developed some peculiar personality traits this long, hot summer. One is that I now take the weather personally. Like some forlorn farmer, I believe the sky is out to get me (I’m going to lose the whole dang sorghum crop). I shake my fist in anger. Each day with no precipitation, each heat index over 100 turns me further into a grumbling shell of my former self. I angrily tune in to the local news every night, eagerly anticipating tomorrow’s forecast. And even though I spend an average of only 4 ½ minutes a day outdoors, still I cry. If the heat doesn’t end soon I will have no choice but to raindance in my driveway.

Lipstick on a Pig

One of our favorite expressions here at DFF is that old adage about the futility of putting lipstick on a pig. The saying goes “that is like putting lipstick on a pig”. The expression is not meant to be taken literally (but with America’s obesity rate skyrocketing you can rest assured that somewhere out there a bigger gal is caking on a tube of Estee Lauder’s finest). I digress. The expression is so great not just because of the image it conveys, but also for the message it sends. Too many times in our daily lives we try to make something nice out of something that is clearly not nice. Don’t try and make your crappy life better by insisting you are fine with it. Don’t put lipstick on your life. Take a lesson from an actual pig, use your hoofs to fling shit on the porker next to you.

Not Taken Advantage Of

Today marks a milestone. This morning I dropped my car off at the auto mechanic for a state mandated inspection and an oil change. Four hours later I received a phone call from this place that my car was ready for pick-up. What is unusual is that in the time between when I dropped off the car and when they called me nothing else went wrong with the car. Normally dropping my junky car off at mechanic for any reason gets me four our five of the following phone calls:

Mechanic: Mr. Fryer, are you aware that one of your tires is sittin’ in the backseat?
Mr. Fryer: Well, they were all attached when I dropped it off this morning.
Mechanic: Well this one ain’t attached no more. You want us put that back on for you?
Mr. Fryer: Can the car be driven without all four tires?
Mechanic: I wouldn’t recommend it.
Mr. Fryer: I guess put it back on. How much does that cost?
Mechanic: I can put that back on for $212, with tax.
Mr. Fryer: That would be great, thank you so much!!

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Investing Heavily In Tortilla Futures

Dog Days of Summer, Bark!!!

My new job is going well. Though I guess the newness is wearing off a bit. I am at nearly three months now. I have been running a lot of meetings, which I have never done before. I am learning to project my voice in a sort of manly, booming, and authoritative way. I've never felt more powerful (or like God). Last week I got to take a group of landscaping vendors on a tour of bus stops around the city (for a landscaping contract we have out for bid). I got to say things like "on your right is a bus stop, you will need to landscape that" and “look to your left, there is a bus stop you will need to landscape.”

Reclaiming Sunday’s

Ladies it is the time of year you have been dreading – it is nearly football season again. Very shortly the sound of a million beer commercials will fill your living room, bedroom, and garage. It has been a long time since the Super Bowl in February. I have spent a lot of Sunday’s doing what the wife wants to do – w/no excuse of a football game to get me out of it. Well that time is over, at least until February of 2008. If you need me I will be on the couch, and come hell or high-water I ain’t movin’.

News You Can’t Use

Many of you have contacted me with questions about the mining accident in Utah. You want to know what I think of mine safety. You ask how I would do it differently. You’re curious as to my own experience digging for coal. Well I don’t have any experience. But I did hear a story this week that a mine collapsed in China killing 180 miners. That is a lot of dead miners, even for a deadly mining accident. This observation alone qualifies me as an expert. So I say we must protect the men and ladies hallowing out majestic mountains all over this great land. Write a congressman.

Dream Analysis Expert Added, Fired

In an effort to stay competitive in the blog world, DFF added a dream analysis expert to our staff. We hoped this would encourage reader participation, and bring in desperately needed advertising revenue. Brenda ended up being more combative than I could have ever imagined. We let her go last week. So stop emailing me with your dream questions. There is no one here who can answer them.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Seen Spilling Coffee, Icing Crotch

Up and Running

The Deep Fat Fryer is back in business. We have settled twelve out of fourteen lawsuits – and that ain’t bad. The lights are back on, our janitorial crew has been recalled from Nicaragua, and the coffeemaker is percolating. I have never been angrier, truly all is right with the world. Let’s get started.

Things I Am the Maddest At

1) Britney Spears – Why are networks reporting her every move like she is a hurricane or stock market? She ain’t news.
2) Hot Air – I need it to be a little hotter. 103 isn’t hot enough. Oh wait, add the maximum amount of humidity and gusty winds. Now I am satisfied.
3) Local TV news personalities – It hasn’t rained since Memorial Day and they are praying the rain holds off just one more day so the 4th Annual Lasagna Festival can go off without a hitch. How about it just rains when it rains and you just shut your trap.
4) Atlanta Falcon QB Michael Vick – This dog killer is dominating coverage of the NFL. He is not even playing football. He is awaiting his trial for killing dogs. I don’t associate killing dogs with the NFL. Why is he the only thing being covered in sports publications? This guy is a dog killer, a dog killer. Each time I tune in to hear the latest news about my football team I just hear more gruesome details about dog killing. I know more about dog killing than I did two months ago and I am not happy about it.
5) Seasonal Decorations – Last week I saw both Christmas and Halloween decorations in the store. Um, it is still the middle of August. I am still sweating from walking to the mailbox. The last thing I want to think about is putting on my Halloween outfit or Santa hat and buying gifts for people who have disappointed me all damn year. If I were president I would pass a law that seasonal crap couldn’t appear in stores until five days before the stupid event. If anyone complained I’ll simply cancel the holiday and act real disappointed in everyone.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Not As Manly As Before Spider Bite