Doodle for Review

That picture on the right is a doodle from my drawing class Monday night. I got a request to take a picture of my work and post it. God, I can't beleive I am saying this - DFF is an artist. I think my pencil marks show a lot of passion and also a complete lack of ability to draw the person who sat for this here "self-portrait". I will keep my day job.

Quote of the Week II

“American just suck the fun right out of everything, they just ruin everything joyful”

I heard this comment today on NPR by a lady that called in to protest that her poodle is not allowed in her neighborhood grocery store. The topic was the places that a dog should or should not be allowed to go. A lot of folks want to move to the European style of dog ownership. These means pooches in cafes, grocery stores and all up in your Gap. Makes me think of some dudes rottweiler biting my ankle while I try on khakis. But I think the more important part of that quote is the interesting question it raises about our sense of fun in this country. Why do we suck the joy out of everything? I think it is true, but I don’t know the answer as to why. I guess maybe it resides somewhere deep in our puritan ethos, meaning we can’t stand to see other people having a good time because we are so goddamn miserable ourselves. Uh that does make sense. Makes me a little patriotic.

Drop In Home Prices

So the sub-prime mortgage bubble has just burst all over our fat American faces. I have been eerily silent on the mortgage meltdown crisis. Many of you have asked the Fryer how his own home has been holding up during this difficult period in our country’s real estate market. Has it lost value you ponder? Well the Fryer is proud to report that him and his lady bought their 3 bedroom split level at the very tippy-top of the market. Needless to say they will be staying in this home for a very, very, very long time.

Technology Weekly

New feature here at DFF – taking a look at outdated technology in my house. This week we take a look at how my family records its favorite television programs while they are out doing stuff. I’ll goddamn tell you how we do it. We use a flipping VCR. Have you tried to buy video tapes lately? I had to ask the salesperson at Sears if they had any tapes for my VCR. He looked at me like I had crab claws for hands and donkey ass in place of my real ass.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Cancels Cruise To Myanmar

Most Improved Doodler

Um, not a lot of time. I just got home from drawing class. It is quite late and I am quite proud of myself. Even though it has only been three classes, it is not to early to declare myself “most improved” in the class. We have this tradition in the class where after we draw something we go around take a look at what everyone else did. So tonight we had to draw our own shoe. You should have seen just how shitty some people drew their shoes. It was a real crapfest. In the interest of being interestingly honest – I had to draw a jug tonight and it was horrendous. It looked kind of like the great state of Florida. To be fair, it was late and my ass hurt from sitting on a drawing stool for three hours.

Update on My New Rhapsody MP3 Player

…it is still awesome.

George Bush Doesn’t Know Stuff

I got a little mad today when I heard Bush refer to Myanmar as “Burma”. Burma is so twentieth century. Everyone knows they totally changed their name. Why do his advisors continually let him not know stuff? It makes us all seem stupid when our leader can’t keep up with country name changes. Just knowing the names of all the countries should be the bare minimum for being President.

Quote of the Week

"Is it not high time for these powers to return from the path of arrogance and obedience to Satan to the path of faith in God?"

That was Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad speaking to the United Nations on Tuesday. I understand wanting to be taken seriously. That is fine. No one is saying Iran is not a really scary country. It is. In that way Ahmadinejad is already a very successful leader. Just a word of caution though, Mr. Ahmadinejad. You need to start reeling in your use of the term “Satan” in your speeches. Now I understand that referring to your enemies as somehow related to “Satan” has a certain ring to it. I myself have done it – hell, we all have. But I would just hold back a little, especially when speaking to the United Nations. They don’t want to hear your thoughts on Satan, and who is doing what for Satan. It makes you seem crazy. No one is saying you can’t talk about Satan – just know the appropriate time and place.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Reaches New Low at Limbo Contest

Airline Passengers Get What They Deserve?

The U.S. House of Representatives approved “landmark” legislation on Thursday, passing a bill that will provide protections for passengers stranded on long flight delays, locked in airplanes, etc. It would give them a little food, a little water, and some other goodies too. The plan is intended to make sure that all these crumby airline passengers get some legal protections when they are delayed. I’m going to level with you here. Yours truly has worked for the airlines, two of them in fact. The worst part of working for the airlines was, you guessed it, the passengers. The six weeks I spent behind the ticket counter for Untied Airlines were the worst of my life, and I have had some shitty weeks (recovery from a shattered femur, the week my sixth grade bully kept threatening to kill me for some reason, etc, etc, etc). The basic fact of the matter is that airline passengers don’t deserve rights. They are horrible. They don’t even deserve seats. If I were in Congress I would filibuster this bill, and I would stand up at that podium and talk about how shitty airline passengers are, how they are the assholes of the universe. I would talk about how old, useless and stupid they are. Uh, the worst airline passenger is the business traveler. What a bunch of pompous $%^’s those guys are.

Me In Drawing Class

I am taking one of the communivesity drawing classes every Monday night. Last time we drew little houses and cartoon frogs. I love it. I am a budding artist. There is a real ugly 60+ year-old woman in my class who looks just like me. It is uncanny. Just imagine me as a whinny, post-menopausal woman of heavyset proportions (is it really that much of a stretch?).

Federal Reserve

I heard an interview on NPR the other day with former Chairman of the Federal Reserve Alan Greenspan. I found him fascinating, if not a little defensive. He is catching a little shit these days for the meltdown in the housing industry. This is a little ridiculous. The last time I checked (never) the Chairman’s job isn’t to help Tina and Dudley decide if they should or shouldn’t lock in a low introductory teaser rate on a doublewide, which oh-by-the-way resets to a 25% interest rate after one year. Do you really want the Chairman of the Federal Reserve standing over those two, shaking his head as they doom themselves to a life of financial ruin? Well do you? Let’s lay off Greenspan for a minute.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Gets Gift of Gab, Little Else

Tuna People

You people who are bringing tuna for your lunch, correction, you people who are assembling tuna sandwiches at lunch, listen up. It stinks, it stinks bad. You need to figure out a way to build that tuna sandwich before you get to work. By popping the top on a can of Chunky Light you are subjecting all of us to your disgustingness. You leave a little stank tuna cloud in the lunchroom, which WILL NOT dissipate (despite my arm waving and complaining). You need to go to your car or the restroom to put your nasty-ass tuna sandwich together. You go outside with the smokers and spread that tuna there. You horrify me. Why does it have to be tuna anyway? What is wrong with turkey or bologna? Bologna got a bad rap, it’s good. Why not buy a pack of chicken breasts, sauté them bitches and bring that to work? Just lay off the $%& tuna. You stink, literally and figuratively.

Football

Well I have just completed week 2 of the NFL season. So far I have watched 1,853 commercials, most of which involve beer swigging average Joe’s and fun-lovin ladies. I saw so many commercials while watching the Chiefs-Bears game that I had to find a back-up television program to watch during the commercials (Mama’s Family re-runs). I got all these ad images in my head. According to the NFL I should be finding out what my stock broker is doing for me, and getting a babe to sprawl across the hood of my Hummer. How about if I just call the Savings and Loan and find out the balance on my money market? I’ll also see if I can get my wife to just kind of lean on my non-running Toyota Corolla. I don’t think that is what the NFL has in mind.

New Fast-food Restaurant

In this day and age it can be difficult to find a new fast food restaurant to get excited about. So much of our attention is focused on our Burger King, McDonald’s, and Wendy’s. Guess what my wife and I found last night by complete accident? I will give you a minute…the first Chick-fil-A in Kansas City. Chick-fil-A is an east coast based fast food restaurant that yours truly grew up eating (yes I was of the husky size). I spotted it and before my wife even knew what was happening I had whupped the car right off the road and into the drive-thru. We got some fries and they were delicious. We fought over them like hungry dawgs. I think it just opened – it was pretty new and very crowded. It is in the parking lot at that mall where all them people got shot at the Target last April. Everything in Kansas City can be found by simply referencing the most horrific crime that took place nearby. Looking for the art museum, it is right near where that family of circus clowns got hacked up last Christmas. Want to know where the baseball stadium is, try right across from where that guy put that kindergarten class in the wood chipper two years ago. It’s a hell of a town! We got a lot murderin’ – but now also a Chick-fil-A.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Has Whale of a Time at Annual Whale Fest

Lack of Attention Span Crippling

I never thought being an adult would require so much of my attention. Everything is so critical, you’ve really got to pay attention to a lot of different stuff. Examples include (but are not limited to): paying attention to your job, family, house, car, finances. All of those categories have sub-layers of things to pay attention to. For example: house – pay attention to roof, termites, prowlers, shrubs, smoke detectors, etc. Let’s take family as another example: family – pay attention to accusations, feuds, buying gifts, taking gifts back, alienating, forgiveness, etc. If you did this exercise for all of the things in life there are to worry about, well you would have at least 100 million things to pay attention to. I’m just surprised about all the attention, that’s all.

On the Homefront (cue the patriotic fervor music)

The DFF site has launched a new feature on the War on/in/with Iraq. We want to take a look at how the war is impacting those Americans who are wholly uninterested in the conflict. This is a segment of the population that is underserved by the mainstream media, who are a bunch of White House ass-kissers by the way (insert kissy-kiss noise). So we asked me how I feel about the war – nearly five years into this puppy.

Me: How do you feel about the war nearly five years into this puppy?
Me again: Well as you know I didn’t support this war from the beginning. After it started to go badly I lost complete interest.
Me: Well would you be interested in another war?
Me again: In general I think Venezuela has a lot of 'tude these days. Their leader Hugo Chavez is a real mess.
Me: So you want to attack Venezuela?
Me again: Oh heavens no! I believe in passivism. Military aggression never fixed anything.
Me: You are insufferable.
Me again: You too mister.

Airline Dress Code

Two stories have appeared in the headlines recently about ladies getting on airplanes wearing scant nothing. These women flaunt what they got, and want the flying public to understand just what it is they got, and what they are bringing onboard. As a country it might be wise to ask ourselves where this is coming from. What has happened to our decency? Fifty year ago just showing a little ankle would have got you branded a flirt. Why do these ladies feel 116 other passengers need a full-blown peep show on a 45 minute flight from Hooverville to Lake Winnytonky? I think it is because we are a culture that subscribes to what I call “sexy mindedness”. We think we are all a bunch of sexy people – just doing something sexy every minute. Sexy, sexy, sexy. Well people, not everything requires sexiness. Flying ain’t sexy. Put on a shirt, pants, knee length skirt, some shoes, hosiery, classy earrings, a face of sensible makeup, etc. You don’t got to be looking all sexed-up sitting between two fat people in a cramped jet. Just don’t be sexy for one minute. Once you hit the ground you can rip open your shirt, grab the Daisy Duke’s out of your handbag and hit the discothèque or beach party. It is too much to ask that little Johnny or an even littler Suzy shouldn’t have to ask their parental figure why that person across the aisle sipping a ginger ale is nearly butt naked. Get some class America, get some class.

Kansas City Man Puts Days of Chubby-Chasing Behind Him

2007 Football Season Already A Bust

Well the 2007 football season kicked off on Sunday. As usual both of the teams I cheer for are already out of the playoffs. Two teams – no touchdowns. Way to go Tampa Bay Buccaneers and Kansas City Chiefs. Thanks for nothing. It is mathematically impossible that I could root for two teams that never score touchdowns. I was born under a bad sign.

Funny Thing I Saw Last Week

….a high-level director in my organization air-punching to the tune of “Baby Got Back” by Sir Mixalot while working out w/a personal trainer in my company gym last week.

9/11 Anniversary

Tuesday marks the 6th anniversary of the terror attacks in NY, D.C., and Pennsylvania. Our politicians have twisted the day for political gain, launched a war over it, reshaped, repackaged and used it against us. Where is Lee Greenwood when you need his ass? And I'm proud to be an...

Weekend Wrap-Up

1) Watched the Chiefs got ripped by the normally shitless and hopeless Houston Texans
2) Fought with a huge and possibly poisonous spider. The spider had built a huge nest outside our bedroom window. The wife got pretty upset on account of it looking in at us. So I flung him with a broom – while my wife looked on adorningly.
3) I got a new MP3 player. May I recommend the Rhapsody music player? Very affordable, even for a poor SOB like myself. The music service is subscription based and very easy to use. I am not good with technology – so I was surprised to find out I didn’t have to be. Just get it.

Shame On Larry Craig

Embattled Idaho Senator Larry Craig is planning to withdraw his guilty plea, stemming from his arrest in a Minneapolis airport. The misunderstanding is that Craig is a bathroom stall ankle-grabber. Nothing confusing about that. Craig simply looks for cheap thrills by reaching under bathroom stalls and grabbing hairy, manly ankles. I am not sure of all the legal terms or how Craig is going to get his guilty plea reversed. All I know is that I am not giving him anymore time on the Deep Fat Fryer site. As far a I am concerned Craig is just another Republican who gets his jollies by grabbing ankles in airport bathrooms.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Outlasts Wife at All-You-Can-Eat Buffet

Holiday Weekend Over, Life of Car As Well

The big news around my house this weekend was the long feared death of my beloved, Tammy. Tammy is my 1993 Toyota Corolla. On my way out of the driveway on Friday morning the car made one final gurgle, and then croaked as I acted quickly to stop us from rolling into the street and plowing into a group of helpless school children. I had her ass towed to the auto repair place. The verdict was that the car needed about $500 worth of work. This was just to return it to the shitty state it was in before it wouldn’t run. It was to steep a price to pay. I feel a little like I did when I put my cat to sleep several years ago (or what it might be like to yank the plug on an elderly). I am kind of relieved, but I also feel I should have done more. Either way, Tammy is moving on to that big junkyard in the sky.

It has been a good ride for me and Tammy. That is not entirely true. It has been quite bumpy actually. Along with a lack of shocks, the car was also a constant reminder that I got utterly bamboozled when I purchased it six years ago. The good folks at Karmax (named changed to avoid lawsuit) ripped Deep Fat Fryer off something fierce. I was vulnerable after the death of my last car and quite taken advantage of by a smooth talking salesperson with an interest rate that would make a bookie blush.

What you need to know about me now is that I am without a car. I am entirely reliant on public transportation, my bicycle, my chicken legs, and my wife to get me where I need to go (Starbucks). This isn’t good. I am going to try living without a car for a month and see what that gets me. Today I was twenty minutes late for work – so I am not off to a great start.

So now I have to tow my car back home to my driveway so I can donate its ass to a charity for the blind. This will cost me fifty bucks because the American Automobile Association (AAA) is a bunch of blood sucking scum suckers. They refuse to tow the same car twice "for one incident". At least I will get a small tax deduction, and the satisfaction that I helped a blindy get behind the wheel.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Flying Flag at Half-Mass