Unless you stay in a cave – well you have probably heard that large portions of southern California (or SoCal as the really super cool people call it) have been burned and blackened like a steak at the Sizzler. Because I don’t live in San Diego I don’t know what it is like to watch my neighborhood burn to a crisp. This seems to happen there more than in, say Topeka. I did have to laugh though because I saw a caption under one couple that said “lost both of their homes”. It would be weird to lose not only one hillside mansion, but two.
Car Shopping
Since I sold Tammy the Corolla last week I have been internet shopping. I have been looking on Craigslist, waiting for that perfect automobile to pop-up. Mostly I eye sensible and midsize sedans, capable of hauling potential babies and groceries. But sometimes I do open up an ad for a sports car. I think how fun it would be to do 60mph on my street, children and old ladies diving out the way. In my dream it is a little red, two door number. I am wearing sunglasses and a devil-may-care attitude. But alas it is my fate to always drive something that is of no real threat to the neighborhood elderies.
Couch Selling
Tomorrow night I am selling the couch in our basement for a tidy sum of $350. This couch is nice, I mean real nice. But it was a little to un-firm for the asses in my family.
Question of the Week
Didn’t Princes Diana die like ten years ago? Why is this still front page news? Jesus, people forgot about JFK faster than her, and she didn’t turn back Soviet warheads headed for Cuba. Give me a break. I just saw a headline on CNN that said Diana spoke as she lay in the road dying. Well I probably would to – I would probably use some choice words about the photogs who had run my buns of the road and into a wall. My last words would have been something like “you are all such assholes, I can even believe….
Good night my sweet angels. I am a little ripe from my run and it is time to get some dinner. I hope each of you have a good weekend.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Keeps On Impersonating Mrs. Doubtfire
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Global Warming Is Warming My Ass
Man, I tell you – it was hot around Kansas City yesterday. I checked my calendar, sure enough it was the middle of October. It felt more like early September to me. Al Gore needs to use that big Nobel Peace Prize to deflect the sun and cool our shit down.
I feel like I am really doing my part with this global warming thing. I won’t tell you how, but just know that I am really on top of it.
Sold My Car
My Corolla, Tammy, was sold this weekend. Her fetching price on Craigslist was $500. I must admit I was a little sentimental watching her leave our driveway for the last time. I thought about all the memories we made together. When I picked her out at Carmax I was just a junior in college (2000). I was a baby, for that matter so was Tammy. Almost instantly we survived a brutal car accident on an icy interstate in North Carolina. And it was Tammy who sputtered across the Mississippi River and onto our new life in Kansas City five years ago. She was a trooper until the end, and for that reason I saluted her as that truck towed her ass down the road and out of my life forever. Good luck Tammy, good luck to you.
World War III Talk, Stifle It
I was saddened this week when the President threatened that inaction against Iran may lead to World War III. I guess it was the way he sort of mapped out the conflict that made me a little edgy. It seems to me the quickest way to start WWIII is to speak about it like you have given it a lot of thought.
What in the World?
A second-grader in New Jersey was suspended for drawing a picture of a water pistol. His suspension has drawn outrage across the country. Okay, I am the only one outraged. We have to have a little tolerance for boys. Boys will be boys. If you don’t allow them a little bit of violence in their lives they will not be prepared when they are forced to fight in war. I guess I just think that these boys have got to be ready for the future. Forcing them to play “tea party” instead of “cops and robbers” isn’t going to do us any good. I want these boys violent and ready to go grab that oil from some shitless third world country. I say teach violence in school. Suspend them for not drawing weapons. Better yet, teach weapons. That way when they get to war they won't be sort of nervous or apprehensive.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Told By Dentist to Eat More Candy Corn
I feel like I am really doing my part with this global warming thing. I won’t tell you how, but just know that I am really on top of it.
Sold My Car
My Corolla, Tammy, was sold this weekend. Her fetching price on Craigslist was $500. I must admit I was a little sentimental watching her leave our driveway for the last time. I thought about all the memories we made together. When I picked her out at Carmax I was just a junior in college (2000). I was a baby, for that matter so was Tammy. Almost instantly we survived a brutal car accident on an icy interstate in North Carolina. And it was Tammy who sputtered across the Mississippi River and onto our new life in Kansas City five years ago. She was a trooper until the end, and for that reason I saluted her as that truck towed her ass down the road and out of my life forever. Good luck Tammy, good luck to you.
World War III Talk, Stifle It
I was saddened this week when the President threatened that inaction against Iran may lead to World War III. I guess it was the way he sort of mapped out the conflict that made me a little edgy. It seems to me the quickest way to start WWIII is to speak about it like you have given it a lot of thought.
What in the World?
A second-grader in New Jersey was suspended for drawing a picture of a water pistol. His suspension has drawn outrage across the country. Okay, I am the only one outraged. We have to have a little tolerance for boys. Boys will be boys. If you don’t allow them a little bit of violence in their lives they will not be prepared when they are forced to fight in war. I guess I just think that these boys have got to be ready for the future. Forcing them to play “tea party” instead of “cops and robbers” isn’t going to do us any good. I want these boys violent and ready to go grab that oil from some shitless third world country. I say teach violence in school. Suspend them for not drawing weapons. Better yet, teach weapons. That way when they get to war they won't be sort of nervous or apprehensive.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Told By Dentist to Eat More Candy Corn
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Quote of the Week
“I want my money.”
….as said to me by a four foot Boy Scout looking to collect $15 in back popcorn debt. A few weeks ago, in a moment of not thinking I agreed to buy a tin of Butter Lover’s from this kid. Unable to pay him with cash (I didn’t have any) and unable to pay him with a checkbook (I couldn’t find it) I told him I would order the popcorn, but he’d have to come back for his money. So last night I open the door and I am greeted with “I want my money”. I thought the rascal was going to club my knees. He was like the Boy Scout Mafia. I paid the kid, couple more weeks ‘til I get my popcorn though.
Andy Rooney Disappoints Me
Anyone watch Andy Rooney lately? This guy just isn’t relevant anymore. On Sunday he spent two minutes telling us that everyone has a favorite season (his is fall). Well everyone’s is fall. He said he doesn’t call it autumn because that is pretentious. Then he complained for one minute that it has been too hot in New York this fall. It has been too hot everywhere. This guy is a dip. If I had America’s attention for three minutes a week you can be sure I would spice it up a little more than that. It is time for Andy to step down and let me do it. My first commentary would be about how lame Andy got and how it was me that was responsible for getting him shit-canned.
Where Have You Been All My Life
I am new to cable. It has been a few years since I last had this service. I wanted it this year to watch some Monday Night Football games. But I have been happy to find out about all the other quality programming available to me. The cable was hooked up in August and since then some interesting trends have arisen:
1) Number of books checked out from the library: 0
2) Number of newspapers read: 0
3) Number of times I’ve watched E’s Girls Next Door program: 50+
4) Overall happiness level: Up an astonishing 77%
I Got Wheels
Well I still don’t have a car – but with my lady is in Chicago on business all week, so I got one right now. This morning I got to get up late, sit in traffic, and nearly kill myself playing with the radio whilst making an ill-advised lane change. I had forgotten how sweet it is to drive one’s self to work. I felt so alive (except when I almost died).
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Is First One Called In a Crisis
….as said to me by a four foot Boy Scout looking to collect $15 in back popcorn debt. A few weeks ago, in a moment of not thinking I agreed to buy a tin of Butter Lover’s from this kid. Unable to pay him with cash (I didn’t have any) and unable to pay him with a checkbook (I couldn’t find it) I told him I would order the popcorn, but he’d have to come back for his money. So last night I open the door and I am greeted with “I want my money”. I thought the rascal was going to club my knees. He was like the Boy Scout Mafia. I paid the kid, couple more weeks ‘til I get my popcorn though.
Andy Rooney Disappoints Me
Anyone watch Andy Rooney lately? This guy just isn’t relevant anymore. On Sunday he spent two minutes telling us that everyone has a favorite season (his is fall). Well everyone’s is fall. He said he doesn’t call it autumn because that is pretentious. Then he complained for one minute that it has been too hot in New York this fall. It has been too hot everywhere. This guy is a dip. If I had America’s attention for three minutes a week you can be sure I would spice it up a little more than that. It is time for Andy to step down and let me do it. My first commentary would be about how lame Andy got and how it was me that was responsible for getting him shit-canned.
Where Have You Been All My Life
I am new to cable. It has been a few years since I last had this service. I wanted it this year to watch some Monday Night Football games. But I have been happy to find out about all the other quality programming available to me. The cable was hooked up in August and since then some interesting trends have arisen:
1) Number of books checked out from the library: 0
2) Number of newspapers read: 0
3) Number of times I’ve watched E’s Girls Next Door program: 50+
4) Overall happiness level: Up an astonishing 77%
I Got Wheels
Well I still don’t have a car – but with my lady is in Chicago on business all week, so I got one right now. This morning I got to get up late, sit in traffic, and nearly kill myself playing with the radio whilst making an ill-advised lane change. I had forgotten how sweet it is to drive one’s self to work. I felt so alive (except when I almost died).
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Is First One Called In a Crisis
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Hero of the Week
This week we honor the mayor of Atlantic City, New Jersey. Mayor Bob Levy has gone into hiding, while the scandal that swirls around him deepens and swirls some more. He has not been seen in Atlantic City since September 26th. Levy is under investigation for lying about his role in Vietnam. He said he was a “hero” of some kind in Vietnam, but the Army believes he was just kind of loafing around over there. He is also facing corruption charges.
This guy Levy is a coward, and we at DFF love him for it. Good sir, you stay in hiding. Cling to your believe that hiding and ignoring your problems is the quickest way to solve them. For being our Hero of the Week, Mayor Levy will be receiving both a signed picture of me looking on helplessly while an old lady gets her Social Security check stolen, and a pack of nudy cards our last accountant left in her office. Congratulations Mayor Levy, you are this week’s Hero of the Week.
Movie Review
This week in the DFF Film Room we review “Into the Wild”. The film may or may not be in a theatre near you. It was in a theatre near me, so I saw it. So the movie tells the story about this young guy who just gets mad at everything. I mean he is mad at his parents, society, and his parents some more. But he doesn’t turn to drugs, booze or sexiness. He decides to just walk into the wild. I won’t tell you where he goes, what happens, or how much he suffers. Just know that this is a good movie. The movie makes you feel hopeful about the ability of nature to devour those foolish enough to make a production of testing it.
Garth Brooks Tickets
So I got in a real virtual shoving match trying to get some Garth Brooks tickets for early November (his first show in a decade!!!) at the new KC Sprint Center. You know Ticketmaster is a fickle mistress. I’m not going to tell you the outcome of this endeavor. I don’t want any of you breaking into my house looking for some tickets that I probably don’t even have. Just check back on November 9th and I will let you know if the thunder did or did not roll.
Olive Garden Makes a Delicious New Neighbor
In a never ending quest to fit nearly every single chain restaurant in a one mile area – my town has signed an agreement with the Olive Garden Corporation. Come next month I will be just one quarter of a mile from endless bowls of the most mediocre soup, pasta and breadsticks available in a suburb near you. This is great news, right? So why do I feel so hollow.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Fights City Hall, Knocks Block off Alderman Cox
This guy Levy is a coward, and we at DFF love him for it. Good sir, you stay in hiding. Cling to your believe that hiding and ignoring your problems is the quickest way to solve them. For being our Hero of the Week, Mayor Levy will be receiving both a signed picture of me looking on helplessly while an old lady gets her Social Security check stolen, and a pack of nudy cards our last accountant left in her office. Congratulations Mayor Levy, you are this week’s Hero of the Week.
Movie Review
This week in the DFF Film Room we review “Into the Wild”. The film may or may not be in a theatre near you. It was in a theatre near me, so I saw it. So the movie tells the story about this young guy who just gets mad at everything. I mean he is mad at his parents, society, and his parents some more. But he doesn’t turn to drugs, booze or sexiness. He decides to just walk into the wild. I won’t tell you where he goes, what happens, or how much he suffers. Just know that this is a good movie. The movie makes you feel hopeful about the ability of nature to devour those foolish enough to make a production of testing it.
Garth Brooks Tickets
So I got in a real virtual shoving match trying to get some Garth Brooks tickets for early November (his first show in a decade!!!) at the new KC Sprint Center. You know Ticketmaster is a fickle mistress. I’m not going to tell you the outcome of this endeavor. I don’t want any of you breaking into my house looking for some tickets that I probably don’t even have. Just check back on November 9th and I will let you know if the thunder did or did not roll.
Olive Garden Makes a Delicious New Neighbor
In a never ending quest to fit nearly every single chain restaurant in a one mile area – my town has signed an agreement with the Olive Garden Corporation. Come next month I will be just one quarter of a mile from endless bowls of the most mediocre soup, pasta and breadsticks available in a suburb near you. This is great news, right? So why do I feel so hollow.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Fights City Hall, Knocks Block off Alderman Cox
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Technical Difficulties
So the technical difficulty is that I wrote this blog at lunch – and forgot to email it to myself. Check back Wednesday evening for the latest update on all the lame stuff I’m doing.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Faces Demons, Demons Look Like Sean Penn
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Faces Demons, Demons Look Like Sean Penn
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Women Attacked By Own Pitbulls
A lady in Jacksonville, Florida was killed this morning when her two Pitbulls, Flossy and Bubbles, just went crazy on her. They actually attacked her son as well. The son had gone outside to try and pull the dogs off his mother. The third son, smart enough to stay out of the yard, called 9-1-1 and reported the problem. DFF tried to reach the Flossy and Bubbles for comment – but they had already been shot dead by the cops.
The incident highlights the danger of owning what veterinarians call a “bad dog”. Our staff veterinarian Dr. Roberta Shirttails (kept on retainer for our office cat Barbara) sat down with us to talk about the increase in pitbull attacks. Dr. Roberta informed us that pitbull attacks have been inching up steadily for decades. The dogs are now increasingly turning their anger outward, toward an unsuspecting and largely fat and immobile public. As Americans have continued to pack on the pounds, pitbulls have been increasingly successful at catching and devouring them.
Pitbull owners also face significant challenges, caused mainly by a startling lack of intelligence. Owners of pitbulls foolishly believe their pitbull(s) to be “little sweethearts” or “adorable bitches”. This can lull the pitbull owner into a false sense of security. This is a little bit like sleeping with a bag of trash, eventually you wrinkle your nose at the smell. Pitbull attacks on their owners are not only physically damaging, but also emotionally damaging. The owner can feel betrayed that a dog they bought to attack a neighbor or kill their mother has in fact shredded their own limbs. The period of emotional recovery is often a much longer road then the accompanying reconstructive surgery.
Those raising both pitbulls and children face an even greater risk. Many children are tiny, leaving them eye-to-eye with the family pitbull(s). The low self-esteem of the animals is often challenged by the direct eye contact with the child. Dr. Roberta reported that pitbulls view eye contact as a sign that the child “has decided it wants its ass chewed”. Children are often not very bright, and always pokey. This leaves them vulnerable in those first few seconds when a pitbull or group of pitbulls has deiced to “rip them a new one”.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Will Consider Interesting Trades
The incident highlights the danger of owning what veterinarians call a “bad dog”. Our staff veterinarian Dr. Roberta Shirttails (kept on retainer for our office cat Barbara) sat down with us to talk about the increase in pitbull attacks. Dr. Roberta informed us that pitbull attacks have been inching up steadily for decades. The dogs are now increasingly turning their anger outward, toward an unsuspecting and largely fat and immobile public. As Americans have continued to pack on the pounds, pitbulls have been increasingly successful at catching and devouring them.
Pitbull owners also face significant challenges, caused mainly by a startling lack of intelligence. Owners of pitbulls foolishly believe their pitbull(s) to be “little sweethearts” or “adorable bitches”. This can lull the pitbull owner into a false sense of security. This is a little bit like sleeping with a bag of trash, eventually you wrinkle your nose at the smell. Pitbull attacks on their owners are not only physically damaging, but also emotionally damaging. The owner can feel betrayed that a dog they bought to attack a neighbor or kill their mother has in fact shredded their own limbs. The period of emotional recovery is often a much longer road then the accompanying reconstructive surgery.
Those raising both pitbulls and children face an even greater risk. Many children are tiny, leaving them eye-to-eye with the family pitbull(s). The low self-esteem of the animals is often challenged by the direct eye contact with the child. Dr. Roberta reported that pitbulls view eye contact as a sign that the child “has decided it wants its ass chewed”. Children are often not very bright, and always pokey. This leaves them vulnerable in those first few seconds when a pitbull or group of pitbulls has deiced to “rip them a new one”.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Will Consider Interesting Trades
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
This Is My Lunchroom Now!
Today I had a fantasy which made me LOL (as all the cool people say). Get your mind out of the gutter – this is a family style blog. As I heated up my leftovers in the company microwave I thought to myself what the ramifications might be if I decided to start dominating the lunchroom, start really throwing my weight around in there. You know, became a lunchroom bully. My plan would include:
1) Eating the lunches of others directly in front of them (i.e., stealing food and then acting like they are crazy for suggesting I both took it and am eating it right in front of them)
2) Going to the microwave, finding it occupied – and then just taking out whatever is in there and throwing it on the floor
3) Placing name cards on all six tables – the names would be those of long dead rock legends. If anyone tried to sit there I would say “excuse me, are you Jimi Hendrix, yeah I didn’t think so”
4) Insulting people’s reading material – “another Harlequin romance novel Phyllis, god you are an idiot”
That is as far as I got with that.
Heart Goes Bang, Box Goes Bang
So I am riding my bus yesterday morning and listening to some tunes on the new Rhapsody MP3 player, can’t plug that thing enough. Well all of the sudden I see this old feller slide nearly out of his seat. Well then all hell broke loose. Everyone starts screaming “call 9-1-1, this guy might be dying”. So the bus driver whips the bus off the interstate and into the emergency lane. Now the bus driver is yelling at all of us not to panic because everyone is about to have a shit fit. Well I am about three feet away from a very sick man. How could anyone remain calm? If ever I needed one of those TV slaps to the face, well it was right then (I also would have liked to slap someone). So lucky for us we had a nurse on board. She starts taking charge; she is demanding bottled water so she can get the heart attack guy cooled down (he was very sweaty). The guy is completely out of it. The nurse is yelling at him to “stay with us”. So he does, long enough for the ambulance to arrive and escort him from the bus. I have never seen anyone on the bus almost die before, so I was pretty shaken up. I was only ten minutes late to work though.
Yesterday was also pretty cool because an electrical box across the hall from my office exploded. It was the loudest indoor noise I have ever heard. It was like having a car backfire in a backpack you were carrying, if the car were tiny and capable of producing a backfire. Whatever, it was loud. I was clacking away at my computer and I just about hit the drop ceiling. So as soon as the explosion occurred the power went off. I am a doomsday person, so I just assumed the nation’s power grid had been attacked. Boy was I relieved to learn that the problem was isolated to only one small room with 6 cubicles in it. That was a close one.
By the time I got home yesterday I just wanted to crawl under a blanket and hide. I survived a couple of real tragedies. For that I should be applauded.
What’s Up with the Weather?
Frequently here at DFF we site the weather as the main cause of our frequent fits of depression. My wife thinks it is a little silly that the weather has such an impact on me. I actually believe myself to be more closely in tuned to these things then the average person. In my last life I may have been a farmer. I can just picture myself standing proudly in a field of corn, licked finger stuck in the air to detect precipitation, wife standing proudly on our front porch echoing that the mashed potatoes are getting cold. Oh yes, it has been unseasonably warm, actually kind of hot for September and October. The pessimist in me thinks this is global warming coming home to roost. The optimist in me thinks the pessimist in me is acting like kind of boner. Currently the pessimist has the optimist in an all out chokehold, pinned to the ground and begging for sweet mercy.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Gets Egg on Face at Annual Eggs Convention
1) Eating the lunches of others directly in front of them (i.e., stealing food and then acting like they are crazy for suggesting I both took it and am eating it right in front of them)
2) Going to the microwave, finding it occupied – and then just taking out whatever is in there and throwing it on the floor
3) Placing name cards on all six tables – the names would be those of long dead rock legends. If anyone tried to sit there I would say “excuse me, are you Jimi Hendrix, yeah I didn’t think so”
4) Insulting people’s reading material – “another Harlequin romance novel Phyllis, god you are an idiot”
That is as far as I got with that.
Heart Goes Bang, Box Goes Bang
So I am riding my bus yesterday morning and listening to some tunes on the new Rhapsody MP3 player, can’t plug that thing enough. Well all of the sudden I see this old feller slide nearly out of his seat. Well then all hell broke loose. Everyone starts screaming “call 9-1-1, this guy might be dying”. So the bus driver whips the bus off the interstate and into the emergency lane. Now the bus driver is yelling at all of us not to panic because everyone is about to have a shit fit. Well I am about three feet away from a very sick man. How could anyone remain calm? If ever I needed one of those TV slaps to the face, well it was right then (I also would have liked to slap someone). So lucky for us we had a nurse on board. She starts taking charge; she is demanding bottled water so she can get the heart attack guy cooled down (he was very sweaty). The guy is completely out of it. The nurse is yelling at him to “stay with us”. So he does, long enough for the ambulance to arrive and escort him from the bus. I have never seen anyone on the bus almost die before, so I was pretty shaken up. I was only ten minutes late to work though.
Yesterday was also pretty cool because an electrical box across the hall from my office exploded. It was the loudest indoor noise I have ever heard. It was like having a car backfire in a backpack you were carrying, if the car were tiny and capable of producing a backfire. Whatever, it was loud. I was clacking away at my computer and I just about hit the drop ceiling. So as soon as the explosion occurred the power went off. I am a doomsday person, so I just assumed the nation’s power grid had been attacked. Boy was I relieved to learn that the problem was isolated to only one small room with 6 cubicles in it. That was a close one.
By the time I got home yesterday I just wanted to crawl under a blanket and hide. I survived a couple of real tragedies. For that I should be applauded.
What’s Up with the Weather?
Frequently here at DFF we site the weather as the main cause of our frequent fits of depression. My wife thinks it is a little silly that the weather has such an impact on me. I actually believe myself to be more closely in tuned to these things then the average person. In my last life I may have been a farmer. I can just picture myself standing proudly in a field of corn, licked finger stuck in the air to detect precipitation, wife standing proudly on our front porch echoing that the mashed potatoes are getting cold. Oh yes, it has been unseasonably warm, actually kind of hot for September and October. The pessimist in me thinks this is global warming coming home to roost. The optimist in me thinks the pessimist in me is acting like kind of boner. Currently the pessimist has the optimist in an all out chokehold, pinned to the ground and begging for sweet mercy.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Gets Egg on Face at Annual Eggs Convention
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