Still Bloated From Thanksgiving?

I am still stuffed as a turkey on Thanksgiving. Somebody get me a stomach pump. Ouch. I had the last of my leftovers yesterday (stuffing, potatoes, cranberry, etc). I hated to finish them off. As snarfed the last bite of stuffing I couldn’t help but think of all the great memories the food and I had shared. It was as blissful a five days as I have ever had.

Cheney Examined for Irregular Heartbeat

Vice President Dick Cheney is seeking treatment for an irregular heartbeat, or what I call “skippy heart”. It causes the heart beat to skip around like a school girl on Easter Sunday. Doctors may use electrical shocks to try and get that Cheney heart back in rhythm. Oh to be the person who gets to decide just how electrical those shocks need to be. Shock that heart, baby.

Why I Don’t Trust People Who Write A Novella

I just don’t trust ‘em. Why don’t you just write a whole book? And what is with that name anyway, novella? Try “short book”.

Catch Phrases I Invented, But Never Really Took Off Nationally

--I’m not the homeless, bite me
--This isn’t KFC, get your fixin’s someplace else
--Call your mama, ‘cause camps over
--Get out of Vegas, doll
--Somebody call for a fart?
--Don’t even ask me if I tooted

Science Corner

Researchers at Klamy Falls University in Dublin, Ireland recently hypothesized that women defer to their females friends when making decisions about potential partners. In the experiment scientists showed twelve ladies pictures of hunky farmers. The women all grabbed and pulled at the photos and the whole thing was kind of a mess. In the end the scientists were not sure about much.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Takes To Street, Finds Time There Unrewarding

Tampa Trip

Well last weekend I was in Tampa for three days. Tampa is pretty nice – if you like fun in the sun and all that kinda junk. I am kind of morbid. I prefer the bleak landscape of a Midwestern winter over the bright sunshine of central Florida. It is hard to believe I used to stay down there. They have traffic to high heavens. Every butthole from New Jersey to Michigan has squeezed theyselves onto that peninsula. It is a lot of people, thats all. People down there drive like dicks! They are all trying to get somewhere super-quick. I was a nervous-nelly the whole time. It is just too darn fast. Even in the right hand lane they want to give you trouble. That is supposed to be the lane for slowpokes. Not in Tampa, friend. My wife and I did eat at real life Cuban restaurant in the old Cuban district of the city, Ybor. I had the black beans and rice and the lady had the Cuban sandwich and deviled crabs. Pretty tasty.

I also got to go back and visit my old college campus, or “the quad” as I called it. This is where I used to rally against “the man”, play Frisbee with Chuck and Dick, steal a kiss from my best girl. As I walked the campus with my wife I remembered that none of those things actually happened. I had actually spent three years there wondering why people were pretending it wasn’t blazing hot. No thanks to Frisbee on the quad – too hot for that. I was also carrying about 60 extra pounds back then, making me a big-complainy-sweaty mess.

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Dramatic Workplace Confessions

It is me who is clogging the break room drain by shoving food particles down there. I know we are not supposed to, but it takes so much effort to scrape my plate into the trash. I feel so much better. Don’t tell maintenance – they’ll cut me.

Garth Brooks Concert Rocked
Monday night was the return of the second biggest recording artist in history, Mr. Garth Brooks. I was just four rows from the stage. This was close enough to make eye contact on more than one occasion. Though my wife has never been a fan of country music – even she had to admit the concert lived up to the hype. From the moment when Brooks exploded onto the stage, to the last dramatic encore, the energy and excitement of the crowd delivered a knockout performance. The tone for the whole evening was set by Trisha Yearwood, the wife of Brooks, who opened the show with a rousing rendition of her smash song “She’s In Love with the Boy.” And who wouldn’t be. Brooks delivered hit after endless hit, delighting the crowd for over two whole hours.

The new downtown arena, the Sprint Center, also shined in just its first month of operation. The whole place has the feel of a Roman amphitheater. No blood thirsty lions here though – just the single biggest name in country music history (and me).

Off to Tampa, Suckers
See you all later. I am going down to Tampa to hang with the elderies for a few days. I know I am still forty years away from retiring to the sands of what is left of Florida – but it is never to early dream.

Here are the top ten things about Florida:
1) Bikinis
2) Bikinis
3) Bikinis

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Leaving Russian Mafia to be Stay at Home Dad

Top Ten Excuses for Not Writing a Blog This Week

10) Too much time chatting up the oldies
9) Canker sore got the best of me
8) Dealing with ramifications of pet monkey learning stove knobs
7) Marital crisis caused by my over attentiveness
6) Cleaning up after monkey flung burned Kraft Mac & Cheese
5) Putting finishing touches on my Halloween outfit (Shakira)
4) Scrubbing them Sugar Daddy candies off my chompers
3) Cleaning out freezer after frozen pizza recall (Totino’s)
2) Searching WebMD for “bruised keister” after falling down drunk
1) Dropping my old and lazy horse off at the Old-Lazy Horsy Retirement Villa

Financial Woes

Anyone else think something is up on Wall Street? Uh, I do. I think sometimes those big honchos forget about what is going down on Main Street. What about the little people and our very small 457 contributions? I think all us average folks should pay a visit to these fat-cats in Manhattan. I say, we should all just show up unannounced. We’ll get everyone together. I’ll call Florida and New York, you take the rest. Let’s just show up. Let’s just go, man. We’ll talk about our questions on the way. Leave your Crocs shoes at home though. Those richies won’t take us seriously if we show up in Crocs.

Britney Spears Update

There isn’t one – on account of me not giving a damn. Just joshing. Hell, she’s alright.

Technology Update

This week we look at my home’s computer. It is a big tower, about 10 apples high. When it runs it roars like a baboon. I know we need to be modern and get a laptop. I want to take a shiny laptop to Starbucks and bang the keys whilst I slurps my coffee. I can’t even lift our tower, let alone take it to Starbucks and plug it in down there. They wouldn’t have the power to run it anyway. Whenever it comes time to decide to upgrade our electronics – we decide we would rather go on vacation and use the money for that.

One time the cable guy came out and was talking shit about how our TV was such a piece of old shit. I hit him over the head with a vase.

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