Mail Bag

It is once again time for Mail Bag Wednesday.

Cathi from New York writes…

Perhaps Grammar Girl could offer you some help.

http://grammar.qdnow.com/

You can even download her podcasts to listen to on your manly walks.

Hi Cathi, thanks for your suggestion. However, “Deep Fat Fryer” is wholly uninterested in learning anything new (especially something as tedious as grammar).

Cathi also writes…

At least you are only burned my nonexistent barn. Thanks for being easy on me!

Well hello again. I would never burn down your acutal barn. Fire is behind only bumble bees and rip tide as the things that terrify me most in life.

Jolene from Texarkana, TX wrote…

Me and my kids love your blog. Keep up the good work. How did you come up with such a great title?

Hi Jolene it nice to know that Texarkana finally got the internet. Welcome to 1995 Jolene and family. Believe it or not people ask me all the time how I came up with the name “Deep Fat Fryer”. I am afraid the answer is not as easy as one might think. Thanks for writing!

My wife wrote…

What have you done to improve your career this week?

Great question baby.

Lastly…
My plea for questions and comments went largely unheard. But “Deep Fat Fryer” is not easily deterred. Mail Bag Wednesday will continue – comments or no comments. If I need to goddamn make up the questions I will do it.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Eats His Share of Girl Scout Cookies

Frozen Buns

It was cold this morning man, I will tell you. I wrapped myself up nice and good though. I have really learned how to dress for the winter. I used to worry about my image on the street. I felt as if dressing against the cold weather was in some way not masculine. Shouldn’t I be tougher than the cold? I would always dress to look “cool”…not like some wimpy middle-aged father of 4. As I steam toward ago 30 that is over. I don’t care about my street cred anymore. I am dressing to stay warm. This morning I had on dress pants, dress shirt, fleece, huge puffy vest, gloves and mittens over my gloves, work boots, ski hat and a scarf wrapped around my mug. I was also carrying a backpack that housed my sensible lunch, dress shoes and hand lotion. Now if that ain’t manly...well I don’t know what is.

Excuses, Excuses
1) My barn is on fire
2) My sister’s barn is on fire
3) My uncle has the whooping cough
4) I have the whooping cough
5) My parents have died (technically not a lie)

Quote From President Bush
PRESIDENT BUSH: Oh, I don't think so. I think that the vice president is a person reflecting a half-glass-full mentality, and that is he's been able to look at – as have I, and I hope other Americans have – the fact that the tyrant was removed, 12 million people voted, there is an Iraqi constitution in place that is a model for – and unique for the Middle East.

This was W's answer to why the VP was saying that "we've had tremendous successes in Iraq and will continue to have successes" which seemed to contradict the reality on the ground.

Mail Bag Wednesday Is Tomorrow
Wednesday is the day “Deep Fat Fryer” responds to any comments or questions that have been left during the past week. Well there have been no comments this week. Our “mailbag” is goddamn empty. This means I may have to just invent my own questions – which is pathetic. We are always glad to hear from any readers we might actually have in the real life. Don’t make me invent readers and questions for Mail Bag Wednesday. Leave a comment and let us know you are out there. Also, don’t bother commenting about the author’s grammatical errors. He is well aware of his shortcomings in that area and is quite sensitive about the matter.

Lady on Bus This Morning
Riding the city bus means that occasionally you might smell something you have never smelled before. The woman sitting next to me this morning helped me smell something totally different. Here is what I imagined this woman had done: taken a cigarette, wrapped it in human feces, smoked it, played in the smoke, and repeated the whole thing ten times, then get on a jam packed commuter bus. She was also carrying a Mickey Mouse purse – which is doubly offensive. I held my breath for the entire 30 minute ride.

Apology Section
Once again, to my wife. I forgot to take out the recyclables and trash this morning. This means our stank ass trash will sit around another week in the garage. Sorry baby.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Amuses Self, No One Else, with Fake Vomit

Great Bullies in My History

Great Bullies in My History
Occasionally “Deep Fat Fryer” will look back at some of the bullies that made the blog writer who he is today. Today we flash back to 6th grade. It was 1990 and I was 11 years-old. I had two excellent bullies that year. They did not know each other. They each occupied a different part of my school day. One had the morning shift and the other had the afternoon. Though their styles were different, they were both very effective.

The morning bully – we’ll call him Ian, was struggling with obesity and thus very cranky. Ian served up plain old, down home ridicule. He liked to point out that early-puberty, a squeaky voice and my bowl haircut had left me as some kinda gender bender. I felt little doubt about my gender, but due to his imposing physical stature I was willing to listen to his thoughts on the matter.

My afternoon bully – let us call him Bruno, preferred physical intimidation and threats. I was unfortunate enough to have gym class with this monster. In gym class being on his “team” meant I was subject to his leadership style (punishing). Being on the opposite team made me an enemy and meant I was subject to plain punishment. We had a core disagreement with regards to my un-athleticism. He seemed to think I should die for this. He actually told me he was going to "kill me" over it (with a gun). I had always thought of it as just a minor character flaw, certainly not a death sentence.

When it came to bullying Ian and Bruno had little in common. What they did share is what I assume now was low self-esteem caused by their massive fat selves. My bowl haircut and horrendous sports play left me an easy mark for them. Sure, I had bullies before them and there would be bullies after them. But Ian and Bruno created a perfect storm, a tag team of abuse that would never be replicated for me. That is why we remember them today as two of the greatest bullies in my history.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Likes Toe Tapping, Draws Ire of Coworkers

Roller-skating Voted Most Likely to Make Me Cry

Well I chickened out on roller skating. I made it as far as paying for the skates…but the flashbacks got the best of me. I have a bit of post-traumatic stress disorder about roller-skating. This centers from an incident 18 years ago (me age 12). I had taken up with the youth group of Baptist church. It was not a religious quest, I could have cared less about God. I had hoped to prove myself fake-holy to my 7th grade crush, Jessica. She was the sulkiest, most depressed and moodiest woman I had ever met – and I loved her. The youth group seemed obsessed with roller-skating. It seemed as much a part of their religion as the Bible or hell fire. I had been trying to sell myself to Jessica as the un-7th grader – a guy just a little bit tougher, bolder, older. Skating presented an opportunity to shatter that illusion and that is precisely what happened. I had never been roller-skating. I was scared to death of the whole activity, I hugged the rink wall on my skates – petrified to let go. Though I did begin talking to Jesus – which I thought had been the whole point anyway. He was of little help. An out of control skater took me down with him. Laying there, spread eagle, sobbing, paralyzed, gasping and panting pretty much killed my chances with Jessica. She had seen me at my hysterical worse. Back to the now. On Saturday night, with my wife, I had a chance to exercise those demons. I could finally learn to roller-skate. I chickened out. I couldn’t risk another losing another woman to that horrid activity.

Real Country Music Lyrics

Wait, baby don't move, right there it is
T-shirt hanging off a Dogwood Branch
That river was cold but we gave love a chance
Yeah, yeah for me
You don't look a day over Fast Cars and Freedom
That sunset river bank first time feeling

First time feeling? Yet another damn song about horny southern teenagers losing their virginity in a freezing cold creek, clothes slung about the dew soaked grass, blah, blah, blah. How many people is that happening to down there?

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Thinks His 6th Grade Bully Was Absolutely Right

Real Life Animal Divorce Stories

Juanita and Norton, two gorillas at the Cincinnati Zoo, were introduced and married in March of 2005. After their initial infatuation the couple began encountering significant problems. Juanita became incensed with her new husband’s sloppiness, specifically Norton’s refusal to stop flinging his feces about their cage. In his bachelor days this had been Norton’s signature move. But it made little sense to Juanita that a grown gorilla would desecrate his own home in such a manner. As the behavior continued Juanita began to withhold "affection" from Norton. This further escalated an already tense situation – causing Norton to sling his feces with even greater zeal. When Juanita became physically threatening with Norton zoo staff offered the pair a trial separation. The couple agreed and split after only four hours of matrimony. The zoo keeper’s final report cited Norton’s unwillingness to compromise and Juanita’s threats of physical violence as the primary causes.

Notes on Driving
Due to some appointments I have had to drive into work the last three days. I normally don’t drive to work – preferring the city bus for my 30 minute commute. This is born both out of frugality (cost of gas) and honesty. I am a nervous driver and this comes with a certain amount of paranoia, hysterical breaking and hyper sensitivity about the intentions of other motorists. It is defensive driving at its most defensive.

I like to think my car has something to do with my behavior behind the wheel. After fifteen years on the road my Corolla has developed a litany of aches and pains. I drive the car as if I were assisting an old lady up a curb, that is to say very gingerly. It actively dislikes cold mornings, moisture, winds and speeds over 50mph. I recently cleared the trunk of garbage in hopes of lightening the car’s load just a bit. This was to no avail. Trash free – the car still plods along, preferring the sensibility of right lane over the exhilaration of the left.

I have appreciated the car’s ability to keep running. During our lean years together the car was asked to go w/out oil changes, tail lights, hubcaps, and a radio/dashboard (that was a burglary). Out of necessity the car was operated on a shoe string budget and it came out the other side alive. I have often wondered if the car was not infused with some of my own personality (dependable, scrappy, and uninterested in self-improvement). We have endured poverty, a very scary car accident, and numerous road trips with fingers crossed all the way. I have often wondered if perhaps the car thought we had some kind of agreement I never fulfilled. Maybe it thought that in exchange for reliably driving me out of poverty it would get 5 years of back maintenance at the end? This did not happen of course. Years after I licked my last food stamp – the car is keenly aware that I am unwilling to invest in its long term care. No one said this was about reciprocity.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Reconsiders Return from Dark Side

Mail Bag

Occasionally “Deep Fat Fryer” receives comments or requests for further information about the blog writer. As time permits – I will occasionally answer some of your mail.

“Da Vinci” (city withheld) writes…

Please write a blog about Bush's simplified attempt at helping our Global Warming problem. It also might be funny to write about his idea of a new health care policy for Americans. You are taking requests correct.

No, currently “Deep Fat Fryer” is not taking ideas for posts. Ideas for posts are born mainly from the author’s nonsensical observations and almost constant complaining. Though I agree with you that Bush’s ideas on global warming and health care are laughable. Thanks for writing.

Cathi from New York writes…

Now I have now taken to scream'in everything that has to be said in order to get those three kids prepared to face their day!

Hi Cathi, not really a question, but a hilarious observation anyway. Thanks for writing.

My wife Robin writes…

That post made me seem like a bitch.

Robin is referring to the 1/21/07 posting (Image of Self-Running Eye Opening, Disheartening). In this posting I outlined a list of grievances Robin suggested my coworkers likely have against me. The intent of “Deep Fat Fryer” has never been about making the author’s wife seem “like a bitch”. The author would remind Robin that much of her gentle nagging never makes it to print.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Appreciates Nice Blog Comments, Thinks Your Neat Too

Boss Gives Deadline, Doesn’t Say for When

I am joyless today and thus quite out of ideas. Here are the ideas I rejected for today’s posting:

1) a story about the Japanese catching and recording that pre-historic Sharkosaur
2) making some kind of fun of that Indian guy who was housing his own twin in his diaphragm
3) a short list of my favorite attributes of my dead cat Malcolm, ? – 2002.
4) a list of the pros and cons of accepting a job before you are actually offered it
5) just posting a couple of funny Borat quotes
6) highlights of a conversation I heard at the gym the other night (two blockheads talking about girl scout cookie preference)

Those ideas are all very lame. But upon further review those will all actually appear here tomorrow. So what you have just read was more of a preview and not just a waste of eye reading.

Conversation with Dentist Yesterday at 2pm

Her: Open wide
Me: Ahhhh! (opening wide)
Her: You have the teeth of a 50 year-old Peruvian dirt farmer.
Me: (nervous laughter)
Her: Your getting a root canal.
Me: (gulp)

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Cooks up Recipe for Success, Burns the Hell Out of It

Good Chinese Food, Sad Genocide Film Leaves Me Greasy, Boohooing

Overeating Exhausting
I realized last night, as I gorged myself sick on Chinese food, that overeating had been my only act of physical exertion that day. It actually left me physically whopped. My wife said “you need to walk around” and I said “no, I need to sit down – I’m $%^ exhausted here”. I think that must be a uniquely American phenomenon – exhaustion caused by eating oneself sick. What a little delicious country we have built.

Nothing Funny about Rwandan Genocide
Last night we watched a documentary at our church about the Commander of the UN forces in Rwanda during the genocide of 1994. This is a very fascinating movie called “Shaking Hands w/the Devil”. My wife leaned over and said to me “you can’t make any of this funny”. Well she was right – that shit ain’t funny. I did try to write few carefully worded jokes about the role former UN Under-General Heinrich Tigglefish played in the whole affair; those were mostly just misguided personal attacks.

Interview Tips
Interviewing can be a tricky business. I have been on literally dozens of interviews. Here is what I have learned:

--Using the terms “we”, “us” and “my position” can make you sound arrogant. Remember that being granted an interview does not mean a job offer is forthcoming.
--Revealing religious preferences (or lack of) is not necessary (Example: You don’t have to worry about me being Hindu, I’m not). Information like this is irrelevant in today’s job market.
--Revealing clothing is taboo. Size of hoots and/or biceps, quality of tattoo art and numbers of piercings should all be kept private. In dressing for an interview, think about how you would dress to ask your granny for a “little loan”.
--Remember to look your interviewer(s) directly in the eyes. This will not freak them out – on the contrary it will show that you possess confidence and you are not that big of a liar.
--Keep your answers short. Allowing your interviewer(s) to do most of the speaking reduces the opportunities for costly gaffs.
--Do your research on the company. If the research isn’t positive (bankrupted, oil spiller, tax evader, etc) you may want to consider canceling the interview. Having your name associated with acts of corporate irresponsibility can make landing that next job impossible. But should you proceed with the interview, steer clear of mentioning the charges. Your interviewer will no doubt be aware of the accusations.

State of the Union
I missed it – but I read an excerpt on CNN.com. All I really cared about was the part where Bush goes “Ladies and Gentlemen the state of our union is ___”. All I really need to know is that one word. Bush said “strong”, our union is “strong”. That is all I needed, thanks much.

Apology Section

Today’s apology goes out to my wife, the lovely Robin. Due to a scheduling conflict we were both up at 6am this morning. Normally Robin doesn’t get out of bed until I am gone for work. This is not an accident. You see I am at my most hyper at sun rise. I jolt awake with a lot of opinions, little jokes, and bits, whatever I can do for someone. If given the opportunity to talk at this time – I will take full advantage. This is overwhelming for the newly awake, who are not prepared to hear funny voices and political satire at 6am. I can’t help myself. I am a sucker for an audience. Sorry again baby.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Squanders Golden Opportunity, Laughs It Off

Rare Head Cold Leaves Me Sick, Driveway Goes Un-Shoveled

I am not sick often – but when I am I like to take that opportunity to act super pathetic about it (as if no one has ever been sick in the history of humanity). I am not necessarily proud of acting like a big, fat man-baby. But I did enjoy all the attention and being waited on all day Sunday while I struggled feebly to watch ten hours of football. Thanks Robin. Very nice.

Highlights of the weekend that was:

Trip to Lowe’s – I nailed myself in the face with a trashcan lid at the Lowe’s. It was one of those nice trash cans with a pedal. I was standing hunched over it, mouth open, deciding to purchase or not. All the sudden I wanted to test the pedal mechanism. I forgot my face was over the lid and I really let myself have it. There was a Lowe’s worker standing there looking at me – so I tried to act cool about the whole thing.

Pizza Treats – Northern Lights Pizza offers something called “Scooby Snacks”. These are breadsticks, filled with toppings and toasted golden brown. My fillings included black olives, onion, garlic and cheese. They come in a huge order and I ended up polishing off the whole box in a 24 hour period. I did get a little sick (both from a consumption standpoint and also from a no self control standpoint).

New Pants – I got new pants from Kohl’s. Wife thinks they are too casual for work and also again too short, I won’t hear any of it.

End of football – Sunday marked the end of the NFL’s season for me. The Super Bowl will be played in two weeks – but that is more spectacle than drama. The end has come with a surprising amount of relief. The NFL has demanded a lot of me these last couple of weeks, with games on Saturday and Sunday – night games, day games. It has all been a bit much. Being the new homeowner of a not so new home, sitting on the couch for 48 hours at a time, I could actually hear shit breaking from neglect. It is time to reclaim my weekends from the NFL and hand the controls directly to my wife (where they belong).

Top 5 Home Projects to Tackle Now that Football Season Has Ended
Get squirrels out of basement
Move oily rags stashed near hot water heater
Tell neighbor to shut up his rottweiler
Repair squirrel damage
Plant flowers around the mailbox

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Uses Brains, Brawn to Solve Ethical Dilemma

Image of Self Running Proves Eye Opening, Disheartening

I am trying to figure what why my new gym has mirrors in front of every single treadmill. What could be the reason for this? It can’t provide positive encouragement. Perhaps that is the point. Maybe it provides negative encouragement – keep a person coming back. To this point I had never really seen myself run. I had always thought myself quite fleet of foot, like a gazelle or cheetah. These mirrors have offered a much different assessment. They have informed me that I fall more in the category of lumbering beast, like an elephant or rhino. They really should offer a choice of mirror or no mirror. Don’t just assume that I want to see myself hoofing and gasping. Lordy.

My wife recently pointed out all the reason my officemates likely hate me. Myself and two of my coworkers share a 15x15 storage closet. This is a very small space for three grown American adults. We do not have cubicles, just desks. This affords one little privacy in conducting personal business. My coworkers are quite pleasant and seem free of the type of negative habits I am plagued with. Here are all the things that make me a bad officemate.

1) I am a violent, violent sneezer, always have been. For a time I had even developed an accompanying foot stomp to further convey the power my sneeze.
2) I sneeze repeatedly, I have never sneezed just once. They can come in sets of up to 10 sneezes at a time.
3) Due to persistent allergies I frequently sport a stuffy nose (which can’t be blown). This makes me sniffle and snort like a little farm piglet.
4) I fidget endlessly. I tap my pen against my calculator and keep one leg in a nearly constant state of nervous thumping.
5) I talk to myself (mostly negative stuff about our boss).
6) The phone on my desk rings constantly and because we have caller ID I just let in ring and ring and go to voicemail. Our vendors are always looking for their money.
7) I don’t shy away from personal phone conversations at my desk.
8) I brought in a small radio and took NO votes onto which station it should be tuned.
9) I eat lunch at my desk and often my food is pungent ethnic type stuff.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Finds No Takers on Tawdry Last Wish, Goes Unfulfilled

In Stupefying Move, Worker Delays Filing Government Report to Post Blog

I need to buy some work pants. I am SO tired of buying clothes. It has just gotten to be a tremendous chore dressing myself. My pants are all short because I accidentally bought some kind of super high-heel dress shoes. My pants are also two sizes to big so they fall down. I had to drill new holes in my belt so they really cinch at the waist now. I feel like a vagabond.

Tonight my wife will be out with her friends. In the spirit of knowing nothing about the ladies – I present…

The Top 5 Things I Imagine My Wife will be talking about with Her Friends Tonight

5) High-heels
4) Feminine hygiene products (preferences and innovations)
3) Men
2) Fingernails
1) Tight jeans

Work Evaluation Goes Well

I have just completed my annual performance review. Seriously, no one expected me to get a good evaluation. I was just speechless as praise and good tidings were heaped upon me. What could be the reason for this astounding turn of events? Never underestimate the power of placing the blame for everything squarely on the shoulders of your company’s accounting department. I did it and it got me a top score and an above average raise. Here is a tip – blame literally everything on accounting. Most accounting departments are stocked with bitter old shrews. No one likes them and they HATE you. You boss or supervisor has no doubt already had a number of exasperating experiences with them. But careful, don’t take it too far or your boss just might make some recommendations on how to fix the situation. You must strike the perfect balance of calling your accounting department “inept”…but also making it known that the problems are unfixable. Say something about how the problem is at the top of the accounting department. You boss will not want to try and fix something like that. Instead they will sympathize and offer only encouragement (no real solutions).

Actual Lyrics from a #1 Hit County Song

Drivin’ through town just my boy and me
With a “Happy Meal” in his booster seat
Knowin’ that he couldn’t have the toy ‘til his nuggets were gone.
A green traffic light turned straight to redI hit my brakes and mumbled under my breath.
His fries went a flyin’, and his orange drink covered his lap

Nuggets? Orange Soda? Jesus that is dumb even for me.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Fights City Hall, Issues Tearful Apology

Loaded Baked Potato Puts Smile on Office Drones Face

The weather continues to be bitter cold. Today I forgot to wear my boots to work. The walk from my bus stop to my office is about 10 minutes. Most of the sidewalks are still covered with ice. Kansas City’s answer to this is simply roping off the portions of the sidewalk that are impassable. This is preferable to sending out the legions of our homeless, armed w/only ice chippers and grudges. Closing the sidewalk forces pedestrians out into the street to battle with cars and trucks. I remembered a tip my coworker from Asia gave me about walking on ice. He told me to walk w/your feet very close together and take baby steps. Somehow this worked and I managed to keep myself upright all the way to work. This type of walking is nothing very pretty to look at. It is a far departure from normally confident stride. I imagine that drivers passing by chuckle at such a young man shuffling around downtown like some old nursing home Betty or Pearl.

Last night my wife and I had nachos for dinner. They were delicious and went a long way toward using up a bag of off-brand party snacks. Our little family has recently begun living on a budget for the first time. The budget has reduced all unnecessary expenditures. By the end of the month the grocery money gives out and you end up having chips for dinner. Things have gotten so weird around our house that my wife has begun saving leftover vegetable scraps and slow cooking some kind of “garbage soup”. She tells me it is “homemade stock”…but I believe it might also be a dinner. It is kind of like living in the Great Depression – where approval is needed before an item can be thrown away. I love it.

My lunch today is delicious. I splurged at the cafeteria across the street from my office. Today is “build your own baked potato” bar day. This is that rarest of days when you get to actually build you own dream boat of a baked potato. The cafeteria provides you six topping options (all for one low price). They don’t weigh you at the end – so you can really load up on broccoli, black olives, and sour creams and they are none the wiser. I’ve got to get back to my potato.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Surprised to be Wearing Pleated Pants

Monday Morning Leaves Me Freezing Cold, Beleaguered

I am afraid the weather in Kansas City has taken a turn for the worst. It appears that winter, later than ever, has finally made its dreaded move. The results have not been pretty, with rain, freezing rain, snow, cold pellets, cold air, icy sleety air, regular wet sleet and the ensuing frigidity. Though as recently as last Wednesday I could be heard to comment that I “missed winter”, the ensuing storm has left me complaining bitterly to anyone who will listen (only my wife and one coworker within earshot). Spring can’t come soon enough!!

I saw the movie “Children of Men”. The movie depicts a not very far away future where human ladies have become sterile. Everyone panics about this and our hero and his lady friend must decide how best to do what they need to do (not giving anything away). Let’s just say it is an edge of your seat thriller that will leave you waking up with night terrors and screaming for help. So if you don’t want to have that happen…keep your dang money and watch some TBS reruns of “Friends” (they are on all the time).

Our basement toilet was broken so I fixed that (after much gentle wifely urging from Robin). I disassembled and replaced every part on that toilet. I felt like a real “Joe 6-pack” with my wrench, Lowe’s toilet parts replacement kit, and hands wrist deep in the toilet’s waters. The good news is the toilet is now back open for business. The bad news is that the bathroom is frequented by spiders and they give this “Joe 6 Pack” the woolies.

I found an old computer in my car (yes I drive around with garbage). I always have the best of intentions to dispose of my trash – but I get distracted by the TV. So I am digging in my trunk for a lost toilet brush (no joke) and I find this laptop computer I never took to the computer recycle center. The computer has not been started in years. The computer managed to survive the constant jerkiness of my “ridin’ the break” style of driving. It is actually working fine. I plan to use this computer to produce more fine quality writings like the one you are nearly done with. I am going to look like a real somebody when I take it down to the Starbucks.

Next posting: Kansas City Man Juggles No Career and Small Family

New Year’s Resolution: Resolve to Change Nothing

It is the time of year when Americans review their smorgasbord of objectionable characteristics, from which only one will be chosen for improvement. It is resolution season. Some of the most popular resolutions include losing weight, quitting smoking or mending a broken relationship. In thinking about my own resolution this year I began to write down the areas where I thought I could use a little betterment. This was not a difficult exercise. After several minutes I had identified myself has someone who has failing at nearly every facet of life.

The list was breathtaking in its lengthiness. I began to pour over the list trying to decide which one would be my resolution. I could dedicate more time to my career. I could spend some time exploring herbal therapies for the head of hair now abandoning me. I could reconnect with family and friends lost during my 2005 campaign of isolation. I could take up some sort of hobby or activity (separate from television). I could vow to read more novels and less nothing. I could develop the firm, sexy abs I had hidden deep under layers of Little Debbie and Capn’ Crunch. I could catch up on technology (which had tied me to its bumper and left me for dead).

As I reviewed the laundry list of shortcomings I had identified, the answer became clear. I decided that society needed the New Year’s resolution – not I. It was society that needed to be less judgmental and more accepting. At that point I decided my New Year’s resolution was to resolve to change nothing for entire year. Yes my career is in the toilet, I’m shedding head hair, isolated, illiterate, flabby and angry at computers. But for one year this will just have to do. Society’s relentless push for self-improvement has worn me thin. It is time for society to get its own house in order, last time I watched CNN it wasn’t looking to pretty either.

14 days into the new year I have improved nothing and I have never felt better. Finally a resolution I can keep.

Unbelievable Driving Statistics

The driver’s advocacy group “We’ll Drive Together”, a Washington D.C. based think tank, recently concluded a 6-month study of America’s highways and byways. The researchers hoped to reveal what makes America the safest place in the world to drive an automobile. Though the study inadvertently revealed that the honor actually belongs to tiny Luxembourg, it did reveal much about the way Americans drive. The following are some highlights from the study.

• 99% of elderly drivers polled fell asleep while being polled.
• A rush hour poll in Dallas revealed that 7 out of 10 pollsters were run-over.
• 85% of all Boston drivers have been tried and convicted of vehicular manslaughter at least once.
• The unhappiest drivers in America reside in tiny Randy, Missouri (pop. 256). They cited the numerous potholes and possible presence of terrorists.
• Elderly drivers are 35% more likeley to drive thru the front door of a Wendy's than a Taco Bell.
• Miami has the highest percentage of hit and runs among all major U.S. cities. Driver’s there average a whopping 2 per week.
• Drivers in Los Angeles listed “excessive paperwork” as the number one excuse for fleeing the scene of an accident.
• A shocking 56% of Detroit drivers, some as recently as that afternoon had held up a fast food restaurant (the pollsters themselves were then held up).
• Blinding rage was listed as the primary cause of 67% of all road rage incidents in and around the Minneapolis area.
• A study of Washington D.C. motorists revealed that driver’s there are commuting 23 minutes longer than in 1983, but are spending 4 less minutes in their cars.
• The elderly are on the receiving end of 87% of all dirty looks exchanged between motorists.

Bush Speech Leaves Nation Staring Blankly at Boobtube

I didn't watch the Bush speech on Wednesday night. This speech supposedly outlined a new and clear path to victory in Iraq. I did see a headline Friday morning that Bush’s approval rating had dropped to a new all-time low. I assume the speech was NOT a raging success. The new plan Bush outlined on Wednesday places an additional 20K troops in Iraq. The best critique of this plan was from some Senator who said something like we just had 20K extra troops there two years ago and we were not winning, why would it work now?

I saw the highlights of Condi Rice getting absolutely torn apart in Congress on Thursday about the war. I don't like her politics, but that woman can take all the verbal whoop-ass you can hurl at her. Oh my lord. She just very daintily sips her water and waits patiently for her turn to speak. Amidst all the shouting of those old men she remains calm, cool and collected. If that were me I would probably just sob hysterically and tell all my secrets.

Last night I heard Senator Graham (R-Florida) on PBS say that the Iraq War is the opening up of WW-III. This made me stop and say "hold up jabronie - you need to back up and cool down fool". That is actually what it made me say. That dude needs to have the WWIII talk put back on his top shelf (where his tiny body can’t reach it). In his geriatric condition he is clearly not of fighting age (thus not draft eligible). I on other hand am at the peak of physical and mental readiness. I don’t want to have to waste these precious years trudging across a desert looking for who ever it is we’ll be looking for. And what would I do if I found them? My guess is I would be too nervous to confront them about stuff.

I was irked yesterday by what I heard from some Democratic Congressman fellow. He kept referring to the Democrat’s “power of the purse” in a Congressional hearing. He was referring to the ability the new Democratic Congress has to limit Bush’s war spending. This made me irritated for two reasons 1) it seemed incredibly effeminate from a grown man 2) it immediately gave me the image of Sen. Harry Reid (D-Nevada) slugging Bush upside his head with a handbag full of dollar bills. The Democrats need to lay off this “power of the purse” nonsense. We need to find a better way to say the point we are trying to get across. Polls already show that 49.9% of Americans see Democrats as the party of un-masculine, homoerotic lady-boys (that includes you Hillary). Nobody needs to hear us talking about the things we plan to do with our purses. Instead of whimpering to Bush “we’ll use the power of our purse on you” – we should say “we gonna steal your wallet asshole”. Now that is MUCH better. A little tough talk can go a long way.


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