The weather is super shitty here – but I love it. Nothing makes me happier than rain. We had some storms from God last night. Everything was lightning and crackling thunder. It was been real gray and rainy for about a week. My yard looks like a jungle – but it is to wet to cut. Oh, speaking of bumble bees. I actually got chased across my yard yesterday by a big one. It was super aggressive and landed on my arm and chased me all around. I nearly died. It made me want to spray Agent Orange all over my yard and just kill the whole shit.
I don’t know if you ever listen to sports radio – but I have gotten really into the Mike & Mike program on ESPN Radio in the mornings. They also air it on ESPN2 as well. Those guys are so funny. They are always making hilarious bets w/each other. Like right now one of them is going to actually get spanked if Georgetown loses tomorrow in the NCAA Tournament. One of them was going to get tasered in a bet, but the ESPN corporate brass forbid it. I will be able to have a radio back on my desk starting next week, so I will be able to listen to it more. Screw NPR – I like me some sports. The real world makes me wet my bed. I need Iran to be a little more menacing.
New Product Review
Product: Quaker Banana Muffin Bars
Why they be good: I like the taste. They don’t taste like the usual crap-ass pre-packaged baked good. They are low in fat and calories for you weight obsessed masses. Just get them already.
Now the mail…
Ryan from (city withheld) writes…
Dearest D.F.F. First of all, I too feel that there should be a wicked tax on plastic bags or at least recyclers should pay people for them. If there were a reward for collecting them then maybe the homeless would pick them up while they are out walking around all day and they wouldn’t be hassling the rest of us broke people for money.
Second, I was wondering if you get a new cup everyday when you go to Starbucks/McDonalds or do you reuse your cup everyday? Do you see the irony in reusing grocery bags once every week or two, and daily throwing your coffee cup away after one use?
Hello Ryan, I like your thinking – giving the homeless a reason to collect plastic bags is an excellent idea. Opening a new stream of revenue for vagrants can’t be a bad thing.
Secondly, I sense that my perceived hypocrisy has drawn your ire. Well, when it comes to my environmental policy I subscribe to the theory that you do what you can do. Not everyone can do everything. But just because you can’t do everything doesn’t mean you can’t do something. You have to pick the spots that most fit into your life. For instance, I waste a lot of McDonalds / Starbucks cups – but I take the bus most days of the week. I can waste a lot of cups…but still feel like a better person than most other people.
Cathi from New York write…
Well lugging groceries home without a bag is a small price to pay if it will keep them off of the chain gang team plowing the streets.
Here my sister is referring to some “off the record” comments I made around age 11. Sensing that the baby boom generation may very well bankrupt the treasury – I devised a plan to keep boomers working well past their prime. Though my plan did involve using them as human snow plows, it should be noted that as I got older I became a fan of the elderly (particularly my grandmother). Sister, let us not dwell on the horrifying ideology of my youth.
Well that is about it for me. This concludes another week here in the Fryer. May your own dreams be as mine are, golden brown and tinged with grease.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Hears it From Wife, Cut the Bullshit Dude
Friday, March 30, 2007
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Paper or Plastic? How’s About Neither
San Francisco is preparing to become the first U.S. city with a ban on plastic grocery bags. Plastic grocery bags are responsible for creating huge amounts of garbage. They are also made by using a large amount of petroleum based products. And hey everyone, my god let us not forget about the children. Kids wear them as hats and die in droves. These things are a menace.
Okay, I am going to come down from my bully pulpit here. Do what you want. But know that my wife and I have been using canvas grocery bags for years. I like when the cashiers looks at us like we just come in from outer space. KC is not exactly a hotbed of environmentalism. If I were mayor of KC I would not have banned the plastic bags. I would just impose a hefty tax on them (and then totally use the money to fuel a kick ass coke habit). If I were mayor I would want to punish my constituents, just in general, and also for not being good stewards of the environment. I like to imagine an old lady deciding if she would rather pay $2 for a bag or just scoop everything up in her weak arms. I never said my term as mayor wouldn’t involve inconveniencing an elderly or two.
More Java Please
I have really gotten addicted to the new McDonald’s coffee. That is to say that I will do anything to get to it. I wonder if they are putting some addictive chemical in it. Oh, I guess that is the caffeine. The price also gives me a little perk, only .99 for the small size. Starbucks gouges me for $1.67 for the same size. I have never been a frequent visitor to the McDonalds. But my new addiction to their java has opened me up to a whole new world. A couple of observations: 1) they have a lot of chunky-butts customers. That is really my only observation – they got a lot of biggies in line. I have always thought myself a fiercely loyal Starbucks customer – but I like what McDonalds is selling me.
The war between the two great powers – McDonalds and Starbucks – has really captivated my imagination. Ask my wife, I talk about it all the time. I am tormented by whom to choose for my morning coffee. I really like the price at McDonalds, and they are making top notch breakfast smells. But I also like how Starbucks writes my name on my cup and I prefer the overall experience there. But it is worth the 50 extra cents to have my name written on a cup? Well we will just see how this shakes out. The most important thing to know is that this competition for my coffee dollar is literally the most important thing in my life right now.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Crushed by Burden of Not Being the Family Bread Winner
Okay, I am going to come down from my bully pulpit here. Do what you want. But know that my wife and I have been using canvas grocery bags for years. I like when the cashiers looks at us like we just come in from outer space. KC is not exactly a hotbed of environmentalism. If I were mayor of KC I would not have banned the plastic bags. I would just impose a hefty tax on them (and then totally use the money to fuel a kick ass coke habit). If I were mayor I would want to punish my constituents, just in general, and also for not being good stewards of the environment. I like to imagine an old lady deciding if she would rather pay $2 for a bag or just scoop everything up in her weak arms. I never said my term as mayor wouldn’t involve inconveniencing an elderly or two.
More Java Please
I have really gotten addicted to the new McDonald’s coffee. That is to say that I will do anything to get to it. I wonder if they are putting some addictive chemical in it. Oh, I guess that is the caffeine. The price also gives me a little perk, only .99 for the small size. Starbucks gouges me for $1.67 for the same size. I have never been a frequent visitor to the McDonalds. But my new addiction to their java has opened me up to a whole new world. A couple of observations: 1) they have a lot of chunky-butts customers. That is really my only observation – they got a lot of biggies in line. I have always thought myself a fiercely loyal Starbucks customer – but I like what McDonalds is selling me.
The war between the two great powers – McDonalds and Starbucks – has really captivated my imagination. Ask my wife, I talk about it all the time. I am tormented by whom to choose for my morning coffee. I really like the price at McDonalds, and they are making top notch breakfast smells. But I also like how Starbucks writes my name on my cup and I prefer the overall experience there. But it is worth the 50 extra cents to have my name written on a cup? Well we will just see how this shakes out. The most important thing to know is that this competition for my coffee dollar is literally the most important thing in my life right now.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Crushed by Burden of Not Being the Family Bread Winner
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Emboldened Office Drone Gets the Nerve to ask for Better Pens
Today’s lunch has been a bit disappointing. When I went to make my PB&J this morning all I found were the last two pieces of bread in the bag (both end heels). The whole sandwich was real dry like. Lucky for me I was able to supplement w/a little vegetable soup from the place across the street. Crisis averted.
Tonight is a big night in my house. Tonight marks the start of 7 consecutive brand new episodes of the CBS program “Jericho”. I have survived the long Christmas hiatus and a couple of reruns in March – now I will get my reward. This is a show my wife dislikes so much that she has made plans to never be in the house whilst it airs. So really I am the only one in my house excited. I am really trying to enjoy this show because one of two things will happen. Either the show will begin to resemble the bullshit / science fiction crap on “Lost”, or it will stay good and just get canceled. Wish me luck in my TV watching!
Housing Crisis?
I would be naughty if I did not mention the housing crisis. I read (okay, watch) a lot of news and the housing market has been a top story for several weeks. Judging from the way the media makes it out to be average Americans are being foreclosed on and thrown out of their houses by the thousands. Oh wait, I guess that is true. The media is right. The hullabaloo centers on these so called “sub-prime” mortgages. In a nutshell a sub-prime mortgage is a trick-ass mortgage designed to let everyone and their shit qualify for a home loan. The trick comes in the form of interest rates that skyrocket after the introductory “teaser” rate. The teasing normally lasts a year or two before the higher payments kick in. Basically a lot of poor people w/bad credit got these loans. Now the hen has come home to roost or whatever. A lot of these people never reviewed their mortgage paperwork and have been shocked to find out their monthly payments have jumped hundreds of dollars (and in one case millions). Many Americans are already squished under juicy layers of credit card debt and can’t afford the increase. That is when Mr. or Ms. Bank comes knocking and takes the house back. I am just lucky that my wife was with me when we signed for our house. I’ll sign anything that is put in front of me – she is much choosier.
On the Road Again
I just got a phone call from my boss that I have to go to Wichita, KS in a few weeks for three days. I never get sent anywhere good. At least I can order room service – which is my favorite thing in the world. Eating and not having to pay for it ranks right up at the top of my list of the best things about life. Also, I suspect the hotel has cable. This automatically makes it better than our house. I have never been deep in the heart of Kansas – so I am anxious to see what I see. Maybe I will spot the elusive Kansas Democrat or an actual sun flower. I am extremely nervous by nature and I can already tell you that driving out into the middle of Kansas during peak tornado season really sets off my panic sensors. You always see those stories about those dumb people trying to out drive a tornado on the interstate. They always end up hiding under an overpass and being hit upside the head by an airborne tractor or steers.
Quote of the Week
“I am glad I packed my extra underwear today.”
This was said by the woman sitting behind me this morning as my commuter bus skidded to a complete stop and came just inches away from starting a massive rush-hour pile-up on Interstate 35. It is funny the noises people make when they are unexpectedly whipped forward in their seats. I go “woe, woe” – like I was trying to get a horse to stop.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Carries Small Piece of Cake Back to Desk, Eats out of the Limelight
Tonight is a big night in my house. Tonight marks the start of 7 consecutive brand new episodes of the CBS program “Jericho”. I have survived the long Christmas hiatus and a couple of reruns in March – now I will get my reward. This is a show my wife dislikes so much that she has made plans to never be in the house whilst it airs. So really I am the only one in my house excited. I am really trying to enjoy this show because one of two things will happen. Either the show will begin to resemble the bullshit / science fiction crap on “Lost”, or it will stay good and just get canceled. Wish me luck in my TV watching!
Housing Crisis?
I would be naughty if I did not mention the housing crisis. I read (okay, watch) a lot of news and the housing market has been a top story for several weeks. Judging from the way the media makes it out to be average Americans are being foreclosed on and thrown out of their houses by the thousands. Oh wait, I guess that is true. The media is right. The hullabaloo centers on these so called “sub-prime” mortgages. In a nutshell a sub-prime mortgage is a trick-ass mortgage designed to let everyone and their shit qualify for a home loan. The trick comes in the form of interest rates that skyrocket after the introductory “teaser” rate. The teasing normally lasts a year or two before the higher payments kick in. Basically a lot of poor people w/bad credit got these loans. Now the hen has come home to roost or whatever. A lot of these people never reviewed their mortgage paperwork and have been shocked to find out their monthly payments have jumped hundreds of dollars (and in one case millions). Many Americans are already squished under juicy layers of credit card debt and can’t afford the increase. That is when Mr. or Ms. Bank comes knocking and takes the house back. I am just lucky that my wife was with me when we signed for our house. I’ll sign anything that is put in front of me – she is much choosier.
On the Road Again
I just got a phone call from my boss that I have to go to Wichita, KS in a few weeks for three days. I never get sent anywhere good. At least I can order room service – which is my favorite thing in the world. Eating and not having to pay for it ranks right up at the top of my list of the best things about life. Also, I suspect the hotel has cable. This automatically makes it better than our house. I have never been deep in the heart of Kansas – so I am anxious to see what I see. Maybe I will spot the elusive Kansas Democrat or an actual sun flower. I am extremely nervous by nature and I can already tell you that driving out into the middle of Kansas during peak tornado season really sets off my panic sensors. You always see those stories about those dumb people trying to out drive a tornado on the interstate. They always end up hiding under an overpass and being hit upside the head by an airborne tractor or steers.
Quote of the Week
“I am glad I packed my extra underwear today.”
This was said by the woman sitting behind me this morning as my commuter bus skidded to a complete stop and came just inches away from starting a massive rush-hour pile-up on Interstate 35. It is funny the noises people make when they are unexpectedly whipped forward in their seats. I go “woe, woe” – like I was trying to get a horse to stop.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Carries Small Piece of Cake Back to Desk, Eats out of the Limelight
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Big Damn Frog
There was an awesome story on CNN.com early today about a dog sized frog that was found in Australia. Man that thing was huge. The best part is the look on the frogs face as that proud “Aussie” holds him aloft. He looked exhausted. Apparently these big fat toads are threats to nearly every species in Australia. They eat a lot (see link below). The Australians catch the frogs, burn 'em and return them to the ground as fertilizer.
http://www.cbn.com/CBNnews/126571.aspx
Spring Time
Well it is another warm spring day in the big city. I am just loving this weather. Who knew a little sunshine and warm weather could cure 6 months of some of the toughest blues around. Much like the giant dogwood tree in our yard – I feel reborn. My goals for the springtime are as follows:
1) See Royals baseball game the first week of the season (before they are out of contention). The Royals are notoriously slow starters (they are also slow in the middle of the season and at the end of it).
2) Find out what all the fuss about lawn mowing is about. I have purchased the necessary safety goggles and believe I am up for the challenge. I don’t want to be the jackass at the ER with twigs in my eyes.
3) Get house painting scheduled.
4) Buy a big honkin’ weed whacker and kick a little weed ass.
5) Turn 24 years-old (you heard me right). No, the explosive growth of my eyebrows gives me away as someone much closer to 30 than 20. I need them to be just a little fuller (sarcasm). On a haircut recently my hair cutting lady asked me if I would like a razor run over them. I said “NO you may not, I am not some old coot who needs his eyebrows shaved.”
Entertainment News
This isn’t so much news…but a #$% complaint. Where is The Office? What is going on here? I had thought the show was supposed to be back last week w/new episodes. I don’t think it is new this week either. Come on NBC – quit ^&* with me.
Mail Bag
Ryan from (city withheld) wrote…
As I am not a fan of Kansas (the entire statenot just the school). I was elated to see that they lost on Saturday. I was wondering if you knew any actual graduates from KU? Personally I don’t think that anyone graduates from KU they just keep taking philosophy classes, smoke marijuana and ride their bicycles around Lawrence rambling on about injustice and free speech. As William Quantrell once said Lawrence is a nice place to visit, but I wouldn’t wantto live there.
Hey Ryan, you raise an interesting point about people actually graduating from KU. I am not even sure they have ever even held a graduation ceremony. I know I blame KU entirely for my half-completed Master’s. Judging from your reference to William Quantrill you are student of Kansas history. Mr. Quantrill most definitely didn’t want to live in Lawrence. As a matter of fact his only visit resulted in the death of 400 men and boys and the burning of nearly every building in town (he led the Lawrence Massacre, 1863). As for modern day Kansas, well I am not fan either. What is with all the references to sun flowers? I have been to Kansas on a number of occasions and have never seen even one of those things. Seems like a case of false advertising to me. All I see when I’m out there is a bunch doped up soybean suckers with “Vote Dole” stickers on their pick-up truck bumpers.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Boils Up Fun with Bow Tie Pasta Class
http://www.cbn.com/CBNnews/126571.aspx
Spring Time
Well it is another warm spring day in the big city. I am just loving this weather. Who knew a little sunshine and warm weather could cure 6 months of some of the toughest blues around. Much like the giant dogwood tree in our yard – I feel reborn. My goals for the springtime are as follows:
1) See Royals baseball game the first week of the season (before they are out of contention). The Royals are notoriously slow starters (they are also slow in the middle of the season and at the end of it).
2) Find out what all the fuss about lawn mowing is about. I have purchased the necessary safety goggles and believe I am up for the challenge. I don’t want to be the jackass at the ER with twigs in my eyes.
3) Get house painting scheduled.
4) Buy a big honkin’ weed whacker and kick a little weed ass.
5) Turn 24 years-old (you heard me right). No, the explosive growth of my eyebrows gives me away as someone much closer to 30 than 20. I need them to be just a little fuller (sarcasm). On a haircut recently my hair cutting lady asked me if I would like a razor run over them. I said “NO you may not, I am not some old coot who needs his eyebrows shaved.”
Entertainment News
This isn’t so much news…but a #$% complaint. Where is The Office? What is going on here? I had thought the show was supposed to be back last week w/new episodes. I don’t think it is new this week either. Come on NBC – quit ^&* with me.
Mail Bag
Ryan from (city withheld) wrote…
As I am not a fan of Kansas (the entire statenot just the school). I was elated to see that they lost on Saturday. I was wondering if you knew any actual graduates from KU? Personally I don’t think that anyone graduates from KU they just keep taking philosophy classes, smoke marijuana and ride their bicycles around Lawrence rambling on about injustice and free speech. As William Quantrell once said Lawrence is a nice place to visit, but I wouldn’t wantto live there.
Hey Ryan, you raise an interesting point about people actually graduating from KU. I am not even sure they have ever even held a graduation ceremony. I know I blame KU entirely for my half-completed Master’s. Judging from your reference to William Quantrill you are student of Kansas history. Mr. Quantrill most definitely didn’t want to live in Lawrence. As a matter of fact his only visit resulted in the death of 400 men and boys and the burning of nearly every building in town (he led the Lawrence Massacre, 1863). As for modern day Kansas, well I am not fan either. What is with all the references to sun flowers? I have been to Kansas on a number of occasions and have never seen even one of those things. Seems like a case of false advertising to me. All I see when I’m out there is a bunch doped up soybean suckers with “Vote Dole” stickers on their pick-up truck bumpers.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Boils Up Fun with Bow Tie Pasta Class
Monday, March 26, 2007
Brother, Can You Spare $3
Apparently inflation is hitting everyone pretty hard these days. This homeless individual I bumped into this morning on my walk to work asked me for $3. Three damn dollars! I guess he must have had his eye on something. Whatever happened to begging for a dime or a quarter? It appears the homeless have wised up and realized you can’t get anything for less than a dollar. Well holy smokes, I don’t even have $3 and I work. This particular homeless fellow said his “car” was out of gas. I suspected his “car” was actually nothing more than a dew soaked cardboard box – and what it was actually out of was booze. I turned him down flat. I had images of me telling him that I am homeless myself, and that I actually just spent my last $200 dollars on the IPod and latte I was holding.
Weekend Highlights
Well another weekend has come and gone. It was a pretty busy weekend. I had planned to catch up on my periodicals – but I was foiled. Our house is much like a demanding toddler. It is a need machine. So much of the weekend was spent acquiring the things that will make the house happy for a minute or two.
I did get to piddle around in the yard for a while…which is totally fun. I got down and dirty hosing off the garage doors. I like the sense of pride that goes with such a pointless task.
We did get to eat at the new Red Robin restaurant that just opened by our house. It is a chain burger joint. It was a pretty tasty experience. I have been thinking about their onion rings pretty non-stop ever since. Burgers are their specialty. I don’t eat meat – but they make at least two vegetarian burger options. If you have any little ones I would suggest taking them down there pretty quickly. They have a big red bird-person that walks around the restaurant and delights ALL the kiddies. They make plenty of balloons available as well. While the staff was overworked, they did provide excellent service. Some of the things I didn’t like: oversized menus, pricey prices, wait time for a table, one of the ketchup bottles on the table was empty, and stupid clapping by the staff celebrating customer birthdays. I would totally go back right now if you would come and pick me up.
The wife scored a major victory down at the Macy’s. I bought a sweater there and it ripped after I got it (no fault of my own – I am sedentary). This Macy lady didn’t want to give me all the money back that I had paid for the sweater because I failed to produce any receipt or tags. The wife pointed out that she should be able to look up the transaction in the computer w/my credit card. Then the wife asked that the store manager be called. I ended up getting all my money back for the sweater. The wife was voted “hero of the day” in our house. The wife later produced a delicious lasagna. This further cemented her position as my hero.
DFF Favorite Snack
Grapes!
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Can’t Leave Well Enough Alone, Sets Wicker Furniture Ablaze
Weekend Highlights
Well another weekend has come and gone. It was a pretty busy weekend. I had planned to catch up on my periodicals – but I was foiled. Our house is much like a demanding toddler. It is a need machine. So much of the weekend was spent acquiring the things that will make the house happy for a minute or two.
I did get to piddle around in the yard for a while…which is totally fun. I got down and dirty hosing off the garage doors. I like the sense of pride that goes with such a pointless task.
We did get to eat at the new Red Robin restaurant that just opened by our house. It is a chain burger joint. It was a pretty tasty experience. I have been thinking about their onion rings pretty non-stop ever since. Burgers are their specialty. I don’t eat meat – but they make at least two vegetarian burger options. If you have any little ones I would suggest taking them down there pretty quickly. They have a big red bird-person that walks around the restaurant and delights ALL the kiddies. They make plenty of balloons available as well. While the staff was overworked, they did provide excellent service. Some of the things I didn’t like: oversized menus, pricey prices, wait time for a table, one of the ketchup bottles on the table was empty, and stupid clapping by the staff celebrating customer birthdays. I would totally go back right now if you would come and pick me up.
The wife scored a major victory down at the Macy’s. I bought a sweater there and it ripped after I got it (no fault of my own – I am sedentary). This Macy lady didn’t want to give me all the money back that I had paid for the sweater because I failed to produce any receipt or tags. The wife pointed out that she should be able to look up the transaction in the computer w/my credit card. Then the wife asked that the store manager be called. I ended up getting all my money back for the sweater. The wife was voted “hero of the day” in our house. The wife later produced a delicious lasagna. This further cemented her position as my hero.
DFF Favorite Snack
Grapes!
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Can’t Leave Well Enough Alone, Sets Wicker Furniture Ablaze
Friday, March 23, 2007
Happy Anniversary to Deep Fat Fryer
Today marks a major milestone in the short life of the Deep Fat Fryer blog. This is our 50th posting. People this marks the longest I have ever stuck w/anything. I am huge quitter by nature. No body walks away from stuff better or faster than me (see unfinished Master’s degree referenced below). But this I seem to be able to do. But don’t piss me off though, I’m looking for a reason.
So I have returned from being out of the office for a couple of days. I told you I would come back. My entire job was to make sure all 25 participants of this hazmat exercise were outfitted w/the gear they needed. It was quite glamorous yes. I started by assigning each of them a little handheld radio. Next I determined the type of vest and badge they needed based on their role in the exercise. After that I assigned them a hardhat and a spare battery for their radio. At this point I asked that they initial on the sign in sheet that they received all this equipment. I informed them that all of the equipment MUST be turned in after the exercise is over. After that they were out of my hair and onto the exercise.
Rainy Season
The rainy season in Kansas City has started and I have never been more wetter. Not that I am not grateful for every drop of rain we get – I just wish that we could spread it around a little more. We get all our rain in the span of two weeks. The rest of the year we are dry as an old bag of crap. Spring in KC also means the potential for tornado outbreaks. The wife and I are still debating on which area of our basement will be our “safe room”. I tell her the small room that holds our hot water heater is probably safest because it is smallest. Well she doesn’t want to be that close to a “gas line” if we get hit. So we are kind of still debating. My gut tells me we will still be debating even as the tornado sirens are wailing and we can’t hear each other shouting over the roar of a twister.
Weekend Agenda
This weekend will be a special one. No…just joking. All weekends in the suburbs are about the same. You go to the Target, you go to the Lowe’s and you eat at a chain restaurant. The only real option you get is which chain restaurant. It is as close to excitement as it gets in the suburbs. And with that in mind…we present my weekend agenda.
1) Having family over for chain restaurant meal and card playing (Liverpool rummy is my game), there will be some kids and they will be cute.
2) Begin to ready “casa” for baby shower bash next weekend. This is a couple’s shower – which means I am VERY involved. No – just kidding. I don’t know anything about party planning. But what I can do is move a buffet table into position like nobody’s business.
3) Catch up on zzzzz’s
4) Catch up on reading material, which consists of magazine I checked out from the library.
5) Visit library and check out more free magazines.
6) Take home a bunch of work from the office. Ha, ha, gotcha on that one. No…I actually probably didn’t.
Allergy Season
On Monday I sneezed what I thought was just a normal-ass sneeze. But it turns out it wasn’t a normal sneeze. It was the sneeze that ushered in my spring allergy season. My allergies run in 7 days episodes. For the first four days my nose runs and I can’t breathe or sleep. My taste and appetite are greatly diminished. For the next three days my taste and appetite slowly return, my nose runs less. But I become a sneeze and coughing machine. My coughing is really explosive, like it is on fire. I can’t see it coming. I will be sitting at my desk quietly not working…and all the sudden I have myself a coughing fit. I am gracious enough to leave the room and go have it out in our designated break area. My allergies are worse than anything you’ve ever had.
Deep Fat Fryer Notable Meal of the Week
My usual eatery was closed yesterday so they could celebrate their employees (it is a company cafeteria). I usually eat there on a discount because they think that me being a big white dude in khaki pants and a polo shirt makes me an employee there. But w/their cafeteria being closed I had to look elsewhere for my lunch. I decided to try out the deli where I sometimes get coffee. They have lunch options that are kind of expensive if you are in the market for a whole meal. I sought only a supplement to my pb&j sandwich. Their “soup de jour” was a broccoli white cheddar soup. I said “I’ll have that” and scurried back to my office to taste. It was unbelievably good people. I am talking high quality soup at a price I could afford ($2.79 for the small). The wife gives me $3 a day for food and beverage. The soup consisted of pretty much only heavy cream.
I went back today to check and see if they had leftovers maybe. They did not. I informed the gentleman behind the counter of my affinity for yesterday’s soup. He said it had been made by the person who is trying to buy the business. I will be rooting for this person to secure financing and make me soup everyday for the rest of my life. Today’s soup was bad. It tasted like SpaghettiO® gravy (it was not made by the person who made the broccoli cheddar).
Basketball News
The Kansas University men’s basketball team advanced in the NCAA tournament last night w/a win over those butt-wipers from Southern Illinois. KU will play on Saturday for the right to advance to the Final Four in sexy Atlanta, GA. I paid that university a bunch of money a while back for half a Master’s degree. You can damn well bet that I will revel in the success of their sports teams as if I had finished the damn thing.
Next Posting: Kansas City Dislocates Knee While Juggling Slick Hot Pocket
So I have returned from being out of the office for a couple of days. I told you I would come back. My entire job was to make sure all 25 participants of this hazmat exercise were outfitted w/the gear they needed. It was quite glamorous yes. I started by assigning each of them a little handheld radio. Next I determined the type of vest and badge they needed based on their role in the exercise. After that I assigned them a hardhat and a spare battery for their radio. At this point I asked that they initial on the sign in sheet that they received all this equipment. I informed them that all of the equipment MUST be turned in after the exercise is over. After that they were out of my hair and onto the exercise.
Rainy Season
The rainy season in Kansas City has started and I have never been more wetter. Not that I am not grateful for every drop of rain we get – I just wish that we could spread it around a little more. We get all our rain in the span of two weeks. The rest of the year we are dry as an old bag of crap. Spring in KC also means the potential for tornado outbreaks. The wife and I are still debating on which area of our basement will be our “safe room”. I tell her the small room that holds our hot water heater is probably safest because it is smallest. Well she doesn’t want to be that close to a “gas line” if we get hit. So we are kind of still debating. My gut tells me we will still be debating even as the tornado sirens are wailing and we can’t hear each other shouting over the roar of a twister.
Weekend Agenda
This weekend will be a special one. No…just joking. All weekends in the suburbs are about the same. You go to the Target, you go to the Lowe’s and you eat at a chain restaurant. The only real option you get is which chain restaurant. It is as close to excitement as it gets in the suburbs. And with that in mind…we present my weekend agenda.
1) Having family over for chain restaurant meal and card playing (Liverpool rummy is my game), there will be some kids and they will be cute.
2) Begin to ready “casa” for baby shower bash next weekend. This is a couple’s shower – which means I am VERY involved. No – just kidding. I don’t know anything about party planning. But what I can do is move a buffet table into position like nobody’s business.
3) Catch up on zzzzz’s
4) Catch up on reading material, which consists of magazine I checked out from the library.
5) Visit library and check out more free magazines.
6) Take home a bunch of work from the office. Ha, ha, gotcha on that one. No…I actually probably didn’t.
Allergy Season
On Monday I sneezed what I thought was just a normal-ass sneeze. But it turns out it wasn’t a normal sneeze. It was the sneeze that ushered in my spring allergy season. My allergies run in 7 days episodes. For the first four days my nose runs and I can’t breathe or sleep. My taste and appetite are greatly diminished. For the next three days my taste and appetite slowly return, my nose runs less. But I become a sneeze and coughing machine. My coughing is really explosive, like it is on fire. I can’t see it coming. I will be sitting at my desk quietly not working…and all the sudden I have myself a coughing fit. I am gracious enough to leave the room and go have it out in our designated break area. My allergies are worse than anything you’ve ever had.
Deep Fat Fryer Notable Meal of the Week
My usual eatery was closed yesterday so they could celebrate their employees (it is a company cafeteria). I usually eat there on a discount because they think that me being a big white dude in khaki pants and a polo shirt makes me an employee there. But w/their cafeteria being closed I had to look elsewhere for my lunch. I decided to try out the deli where I sometimes get coffee. They have lunch options that are kind of expensive if you are in the market for a whole meal. I sought only a supplement to my pb&j sandwich. Their “soup de jour” was a broccoli white cheddar soup. I said “I’ll have that” and scurried back to my office to taste. It was unbelievably good people. I am talking high quality soup at a price I could afford ($2.79 for the small). The wife gives me $3 a day for food and beverage. The soup consisted of pretty much only heavy cream.
I went back today to check and see if they had leftovers maybe. They did not. I informed the gentleman behind the counter of my affinity for yesterday’s soup. He said it had been made by the person who is trying to buy the business. I will be rooting for this person to secure financing and make me soup everyday for the rest of my life. Today’s soup was bad. It tasted like SpaghettiO® gravy (it was not made by the person who made the broccoli cheddar).
Basketball News
The Kansas University men’s basketball team advanced in the NCAA tournament last night w/a win over those butt-wipers from Southern Illinois. KU will play on Saturday for the right to advance to the Final Four in sexy Atlanta, GA. I paid that university a bunch of money a while back for half a Master’s degree. You can damn well bet that I will revel in the success of their sports teams as if I had finished the damn thing.
Next Posting: Kansas City Dislocates Knee While Juggling Slick Hot Pocket
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Traumatic Childhood Memory #345
Recollection of conversation w/my grandfather (I’m age 8 – he is very old)
Me: (watching Cosby Show and laughing it up at the antics of a Mr. Bill Cosby)
Grandpa: What are you watchin’ boy?
Me: Cosby Show
Grandpa: How can you watch that?
Me: I like the Cosby Show
Grandpa: No you don’t.
Me: I do.
Grandpa: No you don’t.
Me: (confused)
What followed was my grandfather’s “n-word” peppered diatribe on how African-Americans (Bill Cosby especially) wronged my VERY white family. My guess is that my grandpa was not very happy when I stayed tuned for “A Different World”. To this day I am still a little fuzzy on what exactly Bill Cosby did to my family. I can’t ask because grandps passed.
Move Coordinator
So I have told you all that my company's offices are being renovated and next week my department is moving to our new space. Well today I was both honored and humbled when my department head asked that your truly serve as one of the two “moving coordinators” for our department. My responsibility is to know every answer to the questions that the other 13 people in my department have about the move. This will include telling them how to label their boxes, making sure they know the moving company will NOT move their potted plants or pocketbooks, telling them when to be ready for the movers, etc. I have promised each of them that my week long reign as co-moving coordinator will be a fair and justice based one. My sincerest hope is that at some point I get to yell “you better get those trinkets in that box or else” at that pecker Keith.
Where Did These People Come From?
My anger at Bush and the folks he surrounds himself w/has at times been quite intense these past 6 years. Now don’t go getting me wrong. This has nothing to do with the war. When it comes to defending America I am as hawkish as you are. I say “spread American power on thick baby” and “if you cross us – so help you Jesus Our Lord”. I have never argued w/war in general. I understand that war can sometimes be necessary to get us all some juicy oil. But I do like my wars well run and relatively short. Gulf War I was a good example of the kind of war I can cozy up against. It was lightening quick and NO occupation. Gulf War II has dragged a bit and now does feature an occupation. Where was I going with all this? Oh yes, my anger at Bush has subsided as his term is coming to a close. But one thing I can’t stop thinking about is this. Who did the hiring for that administration? Where did all these loony-birds came from? Cheney, Rumsfeld, Karl Rove, Scooter Libby, Alberto Gonzalez, Harriet Myers, etc, etc, etc. I am sure I have left out about a dozen other people. These people are crazy. It is as if they all graduated from the University of Not Following the Laws of America, a place where all the coursework centers around breaking the law and getting revenge on your enemies. They must have skipped class a lot because they don’t even appear to be all that good at it.
Special Info
Anyone who knows me knows that I only have two things I value, being dependable and my shoe lift. I take a lot of pride in being as dependable as that old foreign car you don’t have the money to replace. So I wanted to let you know that the postings for Wednesday and Thursday will definitely not appear at lunch tomorrow. I have a work obligation offsite the next two days. Now don’t go getting all nervous, I may try and post something Wednesday or Thursday night. I expect to have a big day tomorrow. I will be sitting at a registration table and checking in hungry men and women attending a training my company is putting on.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Surges Ahead of Sister in Race for the Cure
Me: (watching Cosby Show and laughing it up at the antics of a Mr. Bill Cosby)
Grandpa: What are you watchin’ boy?
Me: Cosby Show
Grandpa: How can you watch that?
Me: I like the Cosby Show
Grandpa: No you don’t.
Me: I do.
Grandpa: No you don’t.
Me: (confused)
What followed was my grandfather’s “n-word” peppered diatribe on how African-Americans (Bill Cosby especially) wronged my VERY white family. My guess is that my grandpa was not very happy when I stayed tuned for “A Different World”. To this day I am still a little fuzzy on what exactly Bill Cosby did to my family. I can’t ask because grandps passed.
Move Coordinator
So I have told you all that my company's offices are being renovated and next week my department is moving to our new space. Well today I was both honored and humbled when my department head asked that your truly serve as one of the two “moving coordinators” for our department. My responsibility is to know every answer to the questions that the other 13 people in my department have about the move. This will include telling them how to label their boxes, making sure they know the moving company will NOT move their potted plants or pocketbooks, telling them when to be ready for the movers, etc. I have promised each of them that my week long reign as co-moving coordinator will be a fair and justice based one. My sincerest hope is that at some point I get to yell “you better get those trinkets in that box or else” at that pecker Keith.
Where Did These People Come From?
My anger at Bush and the folks he surrounds himself w/has at times been quite intense these past 6 years. Now don’t go getting me wrong. This has nothing to do with the war. When it comes to defending America I am as hawkish as you are. I say “spread American power on thick baby” and “if you cross us – so help you Jesus Our Lord”. I have never argued w/war in general. I understand that war can sometimes be necessary to get us all some juicy oil. But I do like my wars well run and relatively short. Gulf War I was a good example of the kind of war I can cozy up against. It was lightening quick and NO occupation. Gulf War II has dragged a bit and now does feature an occupation. Where was I going with all this? Oh yes, my anger at Bush has subsided as his term is coming to a close. But one thing I can’t stop thinking about is this. Who did the hiring for that administration? Where did all these loony-birds came from? Cheney, Rumsfeld, Karl Rove, Scooter Libby, Alberto Gonzalez, Harriet Myers, etc, etc, etc. I am sure I have left out about a dozen other people. These people are crazy. It is as if they all graduated from the University of Not Following the Laws of America, a place where all the coursework centers around breaking the law and getting revenge on your enemies. They must have skipped class a lot because they don’t even appear to be all that good at it.
Special Info
Anyone who knows me knows that I only have two things I value, being dependable and my shoe lift. I take a lot of pride in being as dependable as that old foreign car you don’t have the money to replace. So I wanted to let you know that the postings for Wednesday and Thursday will definitely not appear at lunch tomorrow. I have a work obligation offsite the next two days. Now don’t go getting all nervous, I may try and post something Wednesday or Thursday night. I expect to have a big day tomorrow. I will be sitting at a registration table and checking in hungry men and women attending a training my company is putting on.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Surges Ahead of Sister in Race for the Cure
Monday, March 19, 2007
Highlights of the Weekend that Was
1) We attended a wedding for my sister-in-law and her beau over the weekend. The bride wore a black and white dress and the groom wore a red shirt and black pants. There were some little girls and they wore little girl clothes. The service was capped off by the ritualistic mixing of their proverbial sands. The reception featured cake and punch. After the reception the bride and groom were whisked away in their chariot to the posh Elm’s Resort for a weekend of delights. My role in this whole thing was just to keep from losing it. You don’t want me at your wedding – I am a very emotional guest.
2) The clean out of our basement is going well. I donated a whole bunch of crap to a thrifty store on Saturday. Included in my donation was a 50 year-old Christmas tree (nicknamed Old Christmasy). I figured I couldn’t just walk in and drop the Christmas tree off. I went in and asked the nice old lady at the donation counter if she was accepting donations of rank ass Christmas trees. She seemed eager…and did ask that I bring it in and set it up for her. I had to drag all the poles, rubber bands and branches in and assemble the little 6-foot miracle. To my surprise she seemed quite pleased w/it…her exact words were something like “oh heavens, that is a nice tree”. I told it was all hers and got the hell out of there. I also donated a whole bunch of my super tight sweaters. These are leftovers from my “wear a super tight sweater” bachelor era. I used to really think that pouring my big body into a skin tight sweater would really impress some ladies.
3) What is with a house? I have to say – I knew that houses were work…but what is with these things? I need five more things to break (sarcasm). Last night as I lay in bed I swear I could actually hear new things breaking.
4) I got my trusty ladder out and finally, finally removed bird crap from the front of our house. It was in a very prominent place and I am not even sure how it got there. I think those birds fling that shit.
5) My NCCA tournament bracket took a hit on Thursday when I forgot to fill out my bracket.
Entrepreneurial Decision
In a hasty decision I have decided I would like to start my own “cottage industry” or “home based business”. This would be in addition to my regular job as a belligerent paper pusher. The problem I am having is that I can’t come up with any good ideas. I have literally been thinking about this for a day. I need something that I can do after work and on the weekends. Trouble is I’m a lazy fuck. I don’t like to be bothered with obligations and people. I like to keep my TV loud and my phone quiet. But I also could use me a tax shelter too. If anyone has any ideas please email me at adam2840@yahoo.com. The wife gives me about $30 a month and that is pretty much what I have for the start-up costs.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Likens Self to Modern Day Jesus, Corrected By Friends
1) We attended a wedding for my sister-in-law and her beau over the weekend. The bride wore a black and white dress and the groom wore a red shirt and black pants. There were some little girls and they wore little girl clothes. The service was capped off by the ritualistic mixing of their proverbial sands. The reception featured cake and punch. After the reception the bride and groom were whisked away in their chariot to the posh Elm’s Resort for a weekend of delights. My role in this whole thing was just to keep from losing it. You don’t want me at your wedding – I am a very emotional guest.
2) The clean out of our basement is going well. I donated a whole bunch of crap to a thrifty store on Saturday. Included in my donation was a 50 year-old Christmas tree (nicknamed Old Christmasy). I figured I couldn’t just walk in and drop the Christmas tree off. I went in and asked the nice old lady at the donation counter if she was accepting donations of rank ass Christmas trees. She seemed eager…and did ask that I bring it in and set it up for her. I had to drag all the poles, rubber bands and branches in and assemble the little 6-foot miracle. To my surprise she seemed quite pleased w/it…her exact words were something like “oh heavens, that is a nice tree”. I told it was all hers and got the hell out of there. I also donated a whole bunch of my super tight sweaters. These are leftovers from my “wear a super tight sweater” bachelor era. I used to really think that pouring my big body into a skin tight sweater would really impress some ladies.
3) What is with a house? I have to say – I knew that houses were work…but what is with these things? I need five more things to break (sarcasm). Last night as I lay in bed I swear I could actually hear new things breaking.
4) I got my trusty ladder out and finally, finally removed bird crap from the front of our house. It was in a very prominent place and I am not even sure how it got there. I think those birds fling that shit.
5) My NCCA tournament bracket took a hit on Thursday when I forgot to fill out my bracket.
Entrepreneurial Decision
In a hasty decision I have decided I would like to start my own “cottage industry” or “home based business”. This would be in addition to my regular job as a belligerent paper pusher. The problem I am having is that I can’t come up with any good ideas. I have literally been thinking about this for a day. I need something that I can do after work and on the weekends. Trouble is I’m a lazy fuck. I don’t like to be bothered with obligations and people. I like to keep my TV loud and my phone quiet. But I also could use me a tax shelter too. If anyone has any ideas please email me at adam2840@yahoo.com. The wife gives me about $30 a month and that is pretty much what I have for the start-up costs.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Likens Self to Modern Day Jesus, Corrected By Friends
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Sexy Time for Japanese Declines
Researches at the Japanese Family Planning Institute have reached some startling conclusions about the state of affairs in Japanese bedrooms. Not much is going on in there; it is a real “drought” if you know what I mean. Know what I mean? Japan already suffers from one of the lowest birthrates in the world. Researchers are calling these latest findings proof of a real crisis. A random survey of 2,700 people there revealed that the problem cuts across both married and single lines. Nearly everyone polled reported a “shameful Japanese freeze” in their boudoirs. No word on the cause.
Suburbs + Kids = My Rage
Am I stupid? When we moved to the suburbs four months ago I knew it would be a change. But I had no idea how many children were there. I mean come on. The first few days of spring and all the sudden our street is filled with them. These people are everywhere. They are in the road, playing hopscotches on the sidewalk, lodged under my tires. I don’t know if I really “get” children. What are they doing? A lot of them are yelling at each other and acting like actual idiots. They seem to have no owners – they are just allowed to run free and unleashed. I also don’t understand the decibel level at which they speak at one another. It seems to be a lot of loudness for no reason. And what is with that enthusiasm? As anyone told them that in just a few short years they will be wedged into a cubicle and given 50 hours a week to complete an amount of work that no one could possibly do? If I was them I would start getting depressed REAL soon. School might tell you are special, unique and a gift to the world, the corporate world will tell you to wipe that dumb look off your face.
Quote of the Week I
“Go hang”
That was embattled Zimbabwe President Robert Mugabe on blistering criticism from western nations that his government uses brutality to crush opposition. Mugabe’s 27 year-term is set to expire the 15th of never.
Quote of the Week II
“Ah shit, we’re screwed dudes. Our asses are gonna be handbags man.”
That was a member of a newly discovered species of leopard found in Borneo speaking to friends.
Flip-flops and Mortgages Make Strange Bedfellows
Speculation is running rampant that retail giant Wal-Mart may begin offering home mortgages. Wal-Mart has long sought access to the personal banking sector. Government regulators fear that this could result in the kind of carnage Wal-Mart already inflicted upon rival hardware, grocery and retails stores. Wal-Mart has said that it is not trying to hurt anyone except the people that are standing directly in its path. Our calls to their corporate headquarters went unanswered – but none of us were sure if we had the right number anyway.
Well that concludes another week here at the Deep Fat Fryer. Thanks to all are parishioners who keep this cash cow a rollin’.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Studied for Possible Case of Dumb Luck
Suburbs + Kids = My Rage
Am I stupid? When we moved to the suburbs four months ago I knew it would be a change. But I had no idea how many children were there. I mean come on. The first few days of spring and all the sudden our street is filled with them. These people are everywhere. They are in the road, playing hopscotches on the sidewalk, lodged under my tires. I don’t know if I really “get” children. What are they doing? A lot of them are yelling at each other and acting like actual idiots. They seem to have no owners – they are just allowed to run free and unleashed. I also don’t understand the decibel level at which they speak at one another. It seems to be a lot of loudness for no reason. And what is with that enthusiasm? As anyone told them that in just a few short years they will be wedged into a cubicle and given 50 hours a week to complete an amount of work that no one could possibly do? If I was them I would start getting depressed REAL soon. School might tell you are special, unique and a gift to the world, the corporate world will tell you to wipe that dumb look off your face.
Quote of the Week I
“Go hang”
That was embattled Zimbabwe President Robert Mugabe on blistering criticism from western nations that his government uses brutality to crush opposition. Mugabe’s 27 year-term is set to expire the 15th of never.
Quote of the Week II
“Ah shit, we’re screwed dudes. Our asses are gonna be handbags man.”
That was a member of a newly discovered species of leopard found in Borneo speaking to friends.
Flip-flops and Mortgages Make Strange Bedfellows
Speculation is running rampant that retail giant Wal-Mart may begin offering home mortgages. Wal-Mart has long sought access to the personal banking sector. Government regulators fear that this could result in the kind of carnage Wal-Mart already inflicted upon rival hardware, grocery and retails stores. Wal-Mart has said that it is not trying to hurt anyone except the people that are standing directly in its path. Our calls to their corporate headquarters went unanswered – but none of us were sure if we had the right number anyway.
Well that concludes another week here at the Deep Fat Fryer. Thanks to all are parishioners who keep this cash cow a rollin’.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Studied for Possible Case of Dumb Luck
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Greased Up Paper Pusher
I think the way I treat my computer work station at my place of business would be enough to give any IT person a heart attack. My main problem seems to be keeping all my beverages upright. I normally am working two beverages, with the leftovers of the previous days somewhere in the mix. Right now I am looking at three drinks on my desk. One of them is a McDonald’s coffee cup, the other is a coffee mug and then I have a glass of water for health. I can keep the coffee mug in place, its heavy – but the glass of water and the McDonalds coffee are always falling over. The question is more one of when they fall over how much will be in them, and how much stuff is getting ruined. I can’t tell you how many invoices of mine are coffee stained. Actually I can tell…all of them are. I also like to keep one of my drinks by the phone. That way I can always have something to knock over when the phone rings. More than once I have answered the phone with not a hello but a “shit, can you wait a minute I spilled my drink”.
Yesterday was a first for me though. I got a salad for lunch and I was trying to stir in 16 ounces of thick dressing. I am not entirely sure what happened but when I looked up at my monitor I had ranch dressing all over it. It really made quite a mess. My keyboard is also greasy from me typing while I eat, so is my phone, scanner and adding machine. I used to occasionally take advantage of the wet wipes my company provided – but they don’t offer them anymore. Because of this my office equipment stays mainly greased up.
Last week I started bringing my breakfast to work as well. So now I am eating two of my main meals and many snacks right here in this crap-ass quarter cube. In two weeks I will be getting a new cubicle with new furniture (and two more walls!). I am looking forward to breaking that puppy in.
The lesson here is that people should not eat lunch (or breakfast) at their desk. It makes you a nasty and dirty person.
Sunshine Week
This week is Sunshine Week. This is the week that the National Society of Newspaper Editors has created to highlight openness in government and freedom of information. We even had a reporter nosing around my office last week trying to investigate something or other. But the trick to get rid of them is – get this – if you ask who they are and who they are with they have to tell you the truth. For example, we had this one lady who was trying to get a secret report from us (this report is totally ours and not hers). She was all “I need this report” and we were all “who in heck are you”. I make it seem like it was a tense standoff but really it was all polite and everyone was in a super good mood about it (the Midwest sucks).
Stock Market Update
The Stock Market is down today, down big time people. It is below the 12,000 point mark. It better go back up – because frankly I put every last dime my family had into it. My financial planner Maurice told me it was probably the safest thing someone could do with $475.00.
Stock in DFF’s parent company Hiccup Corp. remained unchanged at .85 a share.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Draws Great Reviews for Appearance in Freeway Collision this Morning
Yesterday was a first for me though. I got a salad for lunch and I was trying to stir in 16 ounces of thick dressing. I am not entirely sure what happened but when I looked up at my monitor I had ranch dressing all over it. It really made quite a mess. My keyboard is also greasy from me typing while I eat, so is my phone, scanner and adding machine. I used to occasionally take advantage of the wet wipes my company provided – but they don’t offer them anymore. Because of this my office equipment stays mainly greased up.
Last week I started bringing my breakfast to work as well. So now I am eating two of my main meals and many snacks right here in this crap-ass quarter cube. In two weeks I will be getting a new cubicle with new furniture (and two more walls!). I am looking forward to breaking that puppy in.
The lesson here is that people should not eat lunch (or breakfast) at their desk. It makes you a nasty and dirty person.
Sunshine Week
This week is Sunshine Week. This is the week that the National Society of Newspaper Editors has created to highlight openness in government and freedom of information. We even had a reporter nosing around my office last week trying to investigate something or other. But the trick to get rid of them is – get this – if you ask who they are and who they are with they have to tell you the truth. For example, we had this one lady who was trying to get a secret report from us (this report is totally ours and not hers). She was all “I need this report” and we were all “who in heck are you”. I make it seem like it was a tense standoff but really it was all polite and everyone was in a super good mood about it (the Midwest sucks).
Stock Market Update
The Stock Market is down today, down big time people. It is below the 12,000 point mark. It better go back up – because frankly I put every last dime my family had into it. My financial planner Maurice told me it was probably the safest thing someone could do with $475.00.
Stock in DFF’s parent company Hiccup Corp. remained unchanged at .85 a share.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Draws Great Reviews for Appearance in Freeway Collision this Morning
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Excuses, Excuses
Oh boy, what a day. Very rarely in a day do I do much of anything. But today I have had coworkers and supervisors asking me all kinds of questions and wanting me to produce actual work. I even had a couple of outside phone calls today. Because of this I am running very late today.
I had to go out at lunch and buy pants. Yes you have spotted a recurring theme. Long story there – but all my work pants are way short. They look like pants one would wear when digging for crabs or mopping up the floor of a soggy basement. Needless to say they are not very appropriate for someone in my position (lazy paper pusher). I need to look like the not so young entry level drone I really am. This means khaki pants, khaki pants and more khaki pants. For me only the Eddie Bauer pants will do, they are cut very generously through the seat(though you pay for it).
I don’t like the way Eddie Bauer tries to up-sell me. First they follow me around the store asking if I need any help finding anything. I don’t. Then they want to know how it went in the fitting room. Not well. The thighs of all their pants are too roomy for my chicken legs. They can’t do anything about that they say. I finally settle on some pants and they want to know if I want an Eddie Bauer “line of credit”. I don’t. Then they want me to sign up for a”membership club” and be eligible for Eddie Points which are good for free stuff. I do. The questions just continue throughout the whole experience. Very exhausting. Thanks to the unusually warm weather I was quite a sweaty mess when I finally sat back down at my desk two hours later and ate my lunch.
The rest of my day has been spent in the office of my boss waiting for a call back from a bureaucrat at the state. Like that hot old lady down at the Cinnabon – they say they’ll call…but they never do. When they finally did call back they mostly just blamed us and told us they couldn’t help us.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Cleans Out Garage, Wife’s Beanie Baby Collection Too
I had to go out at lunch and buy pants. Yes you have spotted a recurring theme. Long story there – but all my work pants are way short. They look like pants one would wear when digging for crabs or mopping up the floor of a soggy basement. Needless to say they are not very appropriate for someone in my position (lazy paper pusher). I need to look like the not so young entry level drone I really am. This means khaki pants, khaki pants and more khaki pants. For me only the Eddie Bauer pants will do, they are cut very generously through the seat(though you pay for it).
I don’t like the way Eddie Bauer tries to up-sell me. First they follow me around the store asking if I need any help finding anything. I don’t. Then they want to know how it went in the fitting room. Not well. The thighs of all their pants are too roomy for my chicken legs. They can’t do anything about that they say. I finally settle on some pants and they want to know if I want an Eddie Bauer “line of credit”. I don’t. Then they want me to sign up for a”membership club” and be eligible for Eddie Points which are good for free stuff. I do. The questions just continue throughout the whole experience. Very exhausting. Thanks to the unusually warm weather I was quite a sweaty mess when I finally sat back down at my desk two hours later and ate my lunch.
The rest of my day has been spent in the office of my boss waiting for a call back from a bureaucrat at the state. Like that hot old lady down at the Cinnabon – they say they’ll call…but they never do. When they finally did call back they mostly just blamed us and told us they couldn’t help us.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Cleans Out Garage, Wife’s Beanie Baby Collection Too
Monday, March 12, 2007
Office Drone Forgets Protocol, Burps at Boss
Actual Outfit of an Elderly Person at My Gym Yesterday
Tennis shoes, wind pants, shorts on over the wind pants, knit cap, two towels tucked into the wind pants, cut off sweatshirt exposing his entire midsection
This old guy just wore this getup like it was the most normal thing in the world. Did he see anyone else with their stomach out?
Weekend Wrap-Up
1) Ate Alfredo
2) Old Christmas tree in basement made it as far me picking it up and deciding next weekend was better for me
3) Basement is taking on water – this produced mildewed cardboard, which generated cat piss smell
4) Ate at the Bravo Italiano restaurant – waiter was overly informative, absent minded
5) Purchased caulking gun from Lowe’s, no more excuses
6) New neighbors moved in next door – literally some of the biggest folks I have ever seen
7) Purchased, installed full-length mirror for wife
Fred Thompson Declares Bid for White House
Actor and former Republican U.S. Senator Fred Thompson declared his intentions to run for president in 2008. Many of you may not be familiar with the work Mr. Thompson did in the U.S. Senate. I was not either. He is better known as an “actor”. I myself remembered him immediately from a brief role on the TV show “Roseanne”. Thompson played the ruthless shift supervisor at Wellman Plastics, where Roseanne was an employee. Him and Roseanne came to blows over the quotas he was setting for her and the other ladies. I didn’t like him then and I don’t like him now.
Fun facts about Fred Thompson: anti gay marriage, pro-life, supports increase in Iraq troop levels, opposes gun control, wants Scooter Libby pardoned
With a platform like that…I just don’t see how he can go wrong.
Mayans to Clean Up After Bush
As Bush makes his way down through South America not everyone is happy to see him. Mayan Indians in Guatemala are ticked that Bush will be speaking at one of their most holy sites. The group plans to purify the area after Bush is done speaking. No comment from Bush on if the move will hurt his feelings. I’m going to start spraying Windex on my TV after Bush speaks – this will purify my boobtoob and show solidarity to my Mayan brothers and sisters.
Sports News
It is time to fill out your dang NCCA basketball tournament brackets. It starts this week. I am picking the Syracuse Orangeman to win the whole thing. Oh wait, they didn’t make it in. What a bunch of garbage that is. They let those fartknockers from Oral Roberts in – but no Syracuse. Screw the whole shit anyway.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Aging Gracefully, Is Real Braggy About It Too
Tennis shoes, wind pants, shorts on over the wind pants, knit cap, two towels tucked into the wind pants, cut off sweatshirt exposing his entire midsection
This old guy just wore this getup like it was the most normal thing in the world. Did he see anyone else with their stomach out?
Weekend Wrap-Up
1) Ate Alfredo
2) Old Christmas tree in basement made it as far me picking it up and deciding next weekend was better for me
3) Basement is taking on water – this produced mildewed cardboard, which generated cat piss smell
4) Ate at the Bravo Italiano restaurant – waiter was overly informative, absent minded
5) Purchased caulking gun from Lowe’s, no more excuses
6) New neighbors moved in next door – literally some of the biggest folks I have ever seen
7) Purchased, installed full-length mirror for wife
Fred Thompson Declares Bid for White House
Actor and former Republican U.S. Senator Fred Thompson declared his intentions to run for president in 2008. Many of you may not be familiar with the work Mr. Thompson did in the U.S. Senate. I was not either. He is better known as an “actor”. I myself remembered him immediately from a brief role on the TV show “Roseanne”. Thompson played the ruthless shift supervisor at Wellman Plastics, where Roseanne was an employee. Him and Roseanne came to blows over the quotas he was setting for her and the other ladies. I didn’t like him then and I don’t like him now.
Fun facts about Fred Thompson: anti gay marriage, pro-life, supports increase in Iraq troop levels, opposes gun control, wants Scooter Libby pardoned
With a platform like that…I just don’t see how he can go wrong.
Mayans to Clean Up After Bush
As Bush makes his way down through South America not everyone is happy to see him. Mayan Indians in Guatemala are ticked that Bush will be speaking at one of their most holy sites. The group plans to purify the area after Bush is done speaking. No comment from Bush on if the move will hurt his feelings. I’m going to start spraying Windex on my TV after Bush speaks – this will purify my boobtoob and show solidarity to my Mayan brothers and sisters.
Sports News
It is time to fill out your dang NCCA basketball tournament brackets. It starts this week. I am picking the Syracuse Orangeman to win the whole thing. Oh wait, they didn’t make it in. What a bunch of garbage that is. They let those fartknockers from Oral Roberts in – but no Syracuse. Screw the whole shit anyway.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Aging Gracefully, Is Real Braggy About It Too
Friday, March 9, 2007
Office Drone Ready for Weekend of Relaxation, After Week of Doing Nothing
Weekend Agenda
1) Eat alfredo (sauce) and noodles
2) Take old X-Mas tree to Salivation Army
3) Pick-up new screen door at hardware store, thank old man there for “rush job”
4) Drop off homemade molasses to homeless Malaysians
5) Put away winter wardrobe (hats, boots, mittens, long underwears, short underwears)
6) Find out what smells like cat piss is in the basement (hope it is not stray cats)
7) Think about love and relationships in advance of impromptu toast at sister-in-law’s wedding next week
8) Watch United Flight 93 movie – remind wife again of significance of that day
Quote of the Week
"There are times that I have fallen short of my own standards. There's certainly times when I've fallen short of God's standards."
This was former Republican Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich on his laundry list of immoral activity (dating his high school math teacher, asking his wife for divorce during her cancer treatment, having an affair with a lady 20 years younger than him, etc, etc, etc). Why is Gingrich coming clean now you ask? Some believe he is airing his dirty laundry in advance of a possible 2008 White House bid. Newty consistently ranks as one of the most beloved figures in the Republican Party. Gingrich is often credited for working directly with Jesus Christ in 1994 to lead the so called “Republican Revolution”, which returned the Republicans to Congressional power for the first time in decades.
Quote of the Week II
"I feel very strongly that 'curves' are natural, womanly and real."
This was actress Kate Winslet on coming out victorious in her lawsuit against a tabloid that claimed she had sought help for a weight problem she doesn’t even have. Winslet has been an outspoken critic of the pressure Hollywood puts on ladies to stay razor thin. I do believe that singer / song writer Sir Mix-A-Lot said it better than any of us ever could in his smash hit “Baby Got Back”. Sir said “I'm tired of magazines sayin' flat butts are the thing, take the average black man and ask him that, she gotta pack much back.”
Sad News of the Week…
Reports that the U.S. job market is slowing to its lowest growth in two years…deep sigh, deep sigh.
Reminder
Saturday night we need to spring our clocks forward to comply with the government’s orders. DFF has been an outspoken critic of this new, earlier date of the “spring forward”. Despite our dire warnings it looks as if this is going to happen. Don’t call me when your coffee maker is an hour late with your java Sunday morning.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Spends Four Nights on the Couch for Lambasting Bebe Neuwirth to Wife
1) Eat alfredo (sauce) and noodles
2) Take old X-Mas tree to Salivation Army
3) Pick-up new screen door at hardware store, thank old man there for “rush job”
4) Drop off homemade molasses to homeless Malaysians
5) Put away winter wardrobe (hats, boots, mittens, long underwears, short underwears)
6) Find out what smells like cat piss is in the basement (hope it is not stray cats)
7) Think about love and relationships in advance of impromptu toast at sister-in-law’s wedding next week
8) Watch United Flight 93 movie – remind wife again of significance of that day
Quote of the Week
"There are times that I have fallen short of my own standards. There's certainly times when I've fallen short of God's standards."
This was former Republican Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich on his laundry list of immoral activity (dating his high school math teacher, asking his wife for divorce during her cancer treatment, having an affair with a lady 20 years younger than him, etc, etc, etc). Why is Gingrich coming clean now you ask? Some believe he is airing his dirty laundry in advance of a possible 2008 White House bid. Newty consistently ranks as one of the most beloved figures in the Republican Party. Gingrich is often credited for working directly with Jesus Christ in 1994 to lead the so called “Republican Revolution”, which returned the Republicans to Congressional power for the first time in decades.
Quote of the Week II
"I feel very strongly that 'curves' are natural, womanly and real."
This was actress Kate Winslet on coming out victorious in her lawsuit against a tabloid that claimed she had sought help for a weight problem she doesn’t even have. Winslet has been an outspoken critic of the pressure Hollywood puts on ladies to stay razor thin. I do believe that singer / song writer Sir Mix-A-Lot said it better than any of us ever could in his smash hit “Baby Got Back”. Sir said “I'm tired of magazines sayin' flat butts are the thing, take the average black man and ask him that, she gotta pack much back.”
Sad News of the Week…
Reports that the U.S. job market is slowing to its lowest growth in two years…deep sigh, deep sigh.
Reminder
Saturday night we need to spring our clocks forward to comply with the government’s orders. DFF has been an outspoken critic of this new, earlier date of the “spring forward”. Despite our dire warnings it looks as if this is going to happen. Don’t call me when your coffee maker is an hour late with your java Sunday morning.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Spends Four Nights on the Couch for Lambasting Bebe Neuwirth to Wife
Thursday, March 8, 2007
Tips for Spring Cleaning
As I mentioned in yesterday’s post – spring cleaning time is now upon us. I myself began a little early this year. Each year I choose a new motto. This year it is “big clean machine”. With a new home the amount of work and chores seems endless. Organization and cleanliness have become paramount at our little casa. I thought to myself - I bet I could create a list of helpful ideas on how to make spring cleaning easier and more fun - people would really love me for that.
Here are my top 10 tips for your 2007 spring cleaning season.
1) Some spring cleaning experts will tell you to start small, with a manageable project. I like to tell people “start big”. For your first project choose something enormous. As our first project this year my wife and I are constructing a “panic room” to protect against something or other.
2) Trash etiquette dictates that objects for the land fill shouldn’t be placed at the curb until the night before pick-up. Forget about that – put it out when YOU are ready. Don’t let a municipal waste company or neighborhood association tell you how much longer you have to hang onto that old credenza. I myself have already placed an entire living room set at the end of my driveway – and our bulky item pick-up day isn’t for another month.
3) One should always be terrified of bugs when cleaning those little used closets, corners or bathrooms. The worst thing that can happen is for you to come in contact with an insect. If you do come across one – careful during the ensuing panic. I nearly knocked myself unconscious last year.
4) Put in your favorite cassette and let the music inspire you while you clean. I like country music – but you can pick whatever gets you off that couch and into that filthy garage or dead grandparent’s room.
5) Clutter is your enemy. Throw out those old Hummel figurines and any busts of Elvis Presley. Throw them out.
6) Live with a slob? Threaten to abandon that person. My guess is they will probably be doing every dish and vacuuming every crumb before you can even get an attorney on the horn.
7) Children messy? Tell them you are disappointed with them and you will use their college fund to purchase their Asian replacements. If you children actually are adopted Asians – tell them you will purchase a real American if they don’t clean up their shit.
8) Want to inspire others? Make it known to your family and friends that you are on a major cleaning binge. Tell them if they don’t join you in tidying up their lives they risk your judgment.
9) If your desk / office is messy consider asking your secretary or a vulnerable coworker to help you clean it. Don’t be afraid to shred files. 99% of all paper in office file drawers is useless and filled with poorly drawn cartoon figures (at least mine are!).
10) Once you have organized your house and office, inspired others and ditched your dirty spouse you can sit back and enjoy the fruits of your labor.
Happy Cleaning Season!
Kansas City Man Rewrites Resume, Omits Part about Being Lazy Sack
Here are my top 10 tips for your 2007 spring cleaning season.
1) Some spring cleaning experts will tell you to start small, with a manageable project. I like to tell people “start big”. For your first project choose something enormous. As our first project this year my wife and I are constructing a “panic room” to protect against something or other.
2) Trash etiquette dictates that objects for the land fill shouldn’t be placed at the curb until the night before pick-up. Forget about that – put it out when YOU are ready. Don’t let a municipal waste company or neighborhood association tell you how much longer you have to hang onto that old credenza. I myself have already placed an entire living room set at the end of my driveway – and our bulky item pick-up day isn’t for another month.
3) One should always be terrified of bugs when cleaning those little used closets, corners or bathrooms. The worst thing that can happen is for you to come in contact with an insect. If you do come across one – careful during the ensuing panic. I nearly knocked myself unconscious last year.
4) Put in your favorite cassette and let the music inspire you while you clean. I like country music – but you can pick whatever gets you off that couch and into that filthy garage or dead grandparent’s room.
5) Clutter is your enemy. Throw out those old Hummel figurines and any busts of Elvis Presley. Throw them out.
6) Live with a slob? Threaten to abandon that person. My guess is they will probably be doing every dish and vacuuming every crumb before you can even get an attorney on the horn.
7) Children messy? Tell them you are disappointed with them and you will use their college fund to purchase their Asian replacements. If you children actually are adopted Asians – tell them you will purchase a real American if they don’t clean up their shit.
8) Want to inspire others? Make it known to your family and friends that you are on a major cleaning binge. Tell them if they don’t join you in tidying up their lives they risk your judgment.
9) If your desk / office is messy consider asking your secretary or a vulnerable coworker to help you clean it. Don’t be afraid to shred files. 99% of all paper in office file drawers is useless and filled with poorly drawn cartoon figures (at least mine are!).
10) Once you have organized your house and office, inspired others and ditched your dirty spouse you can sit back and enjoy the fruits of your labor.
Happy Cleaning Season!
Kansas City Man Rewrites Resume, Omits Part about Being Lazy Sack
Wednesday, March 7, 2007
Ronald McDonalds Turns Over in Grave
I stopped this morning at a McDonald’s to get some coffee. I made a beeline for the counter not stopping to look around. When I received my coffee and turned around my breath was nearly taken away. For the McDonald’s of old had been torn asunder. I suspected that if that dumb old McDonald clown walked though the door he wouldn’t quite know where he was. Everywhere I looked sat leather furniture, cushy chairs, fake plants and soft lighting. Customers lounged about on the couches as if they were at a spa in Sal Paulo – and not at a McDonald’s buttressing an industrial park. What is next for this American institution? Could a ban on children be far behind? One would hope, one would hope.
Computer Recycling
It is a momentous day in my life. The computer and monitor I have hauled around in my car (and stored in our garage) for the past 3 years has finally made its way to the electronics recycling depot. It is something I have been meaning to do for years – but this morning the stars aligned for me. I never thought I would be rid of that particular set of rubbish. I am on an early spring cleaning mission. I will stop at nothing to organize my life into the junk-free state that the Lord God himself intended (see Matthews 34:14 “and you sinner will take out that trash and have haste about it”). Finally a Biblical suggestion I can do.
Question about the Spelling of Terd
Yesterday I used the word “terd” in the blog post (I know, class move). A comment was left questioning the spelling (should it be terd or turd?). Instead of working this morning I looked into the matter. The consensus seems to be that we are both right…but in a larger way you are right. I have never been more wrong. I based my spelling off of information from urbandictionary.com. I doubled checked on dictionary.com and they think it is spelled t-U-r-d. They even offered a definition – “a piece of excrement”. Tee-hee. So I guess I am the turd for not knowing how to spell turd. We here at DFF take the utmost care in fact checking and spell checking every carefully chosen item that is posted. These kinds of mistakes will not be tolerated. I have warned the staff of impending whoopins at our next retreat.
Other Comment from Yesterday (response to Cathi in New York)
I feel your pain about the cold weather. Having lived in that particular part of the country I am well aware that March can be quite a LION. Hang in there – you only have 3 more months of winter to go. Three months after that the snow will finally melt. Now your question about bitterness, were you referring to my meal at the Chili’s or being old and childless? I was not being sarcastic about the Chili’s – that place is the cuisine de jour of America. As for kids, well in almost no time we will have them (I will be sick of them quick and take to dropping them off on the doorsteps of my unsuspecting in-laws or anyone). Don’t worry people – I will pin $20 to the lining of their Jolly-Jumper for pizza and pop.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Likens Freezing Temperatures to Pain of Child Birth, Probably Is Wrong
Computer Recycling
It is a momentous day in my life. The computer and monitor I have hauled around in my car (and stored in our garage) for the past 3 years has finally made its way to the electronics recycling depot. It is something I have been meaning to do for years – but this morning the stars aligned for me. I never thought I would be rid of that particular set of rubbish. I am on an early spring cleaning mission. I will stop at nothing to organize my life into the junk-free state that the Lord God himself intended (see Matthews 34:14 “and you sinner will take out that trash and have haste about it”). Finally a Biblical suggestion I can do.
Question about the Spelling of Terd
Yesterday I used the word “terd” in the blog post (I know, class move). A comment was left questioning the spelling (should it be terd or turd?). Instead of working this morning I looked into the matter. The consensus seems to be that we are both right…but in a larger way you are right. I have never been more wrong. I based my spelling off of information from urbandictionary.com. I doubled checked on dictionary.com and they think it is spelled t-U-r-d. They even offered a definition – “a piece of excrement”. Tee-hee. So I guess I am the turd for not knowing how to spell turd. We here at DFF take the utmost care in fact checking and spell checking every carefully chosen item that is posted. These kinds of mistakes will not be tolerated. I have warned the staff of impending whoopins at our next retreat.
Other Comment from Yesterday (response to Cathi in New York)
I feel your pain about the cold weather. Having lived in that particular part of the country I am well aware that March can be quite a LION. Hang in there – you only have 3 more months of winter to go. Three months after that the snow will finally melt. Now your question about bitterness, were you referring to my meal at the Chili’s or being old and childless? I was not being sarcastic about the Chili’s – that place is the cuisine de jour of America. As for kids, well in almost no time we will have them (I will be sick of them quick and take to dropping them off on the doorsteps of my unsuspecting in-laws or anyone). Don’t worry people – I will pin $20 to the lining of their Jolly-Jumper for pizza and pop.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Likens Freezing Temperatures to Pain of Child Birth, Probably Is Wrong
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
Things that Have Irritated Me in the Last 16 Hours
Things that Have Irritated Me in the Last 16 Hours
1) Being w/out a seat on a city bus going 65 mph down a highway. My enormous biceps can only hold me up so long. I thought I was going to fall right into the lap of a woman holding two boxes of Lamar’s donuts. My what a tasty fall it would have been.
2) Blustery-ass walk this morning. That weather man can kiss it – it sure didn't feel like a “warm up”. Based on his advice I barley dressed this morning.
3) MSNBC News for calling the potential damage from the early time change a “mini-Y2K”. Y2K was a mini Y2K!!. This would have to be something like a mini-mini Y2K. You know what will happen on March 11th when the time changes – not a damn thing. Our mysterious computers will fix themselves just like they always do.
4) Supervisor who thinks I can override a password and log onto to my coworkers computer (impossible and unethical I think).
5) Chicago Bear linebacker Lance Briggs talking about how he is a “victim” because he will only make $7 million next season. Someone should take two frying pan lids and box his ears. If I were the Bears I would tell him to just quit and go find some other profession that would pay him $7 million next year. Oh right, he is as dumb as a shoe horn, illiterate and filled with steroids – there are no other JOBS. I make $1.34 an hour and you don’t hear me complaining. Shut up and take your millions dumb terd.
Real Country Lyrics
Well, Up in the backwoods, down in the holler
old boy feeling like a dog on a colla
Keep that chain hold tight waiting on saturday night
Put on the smell good
Put on Skynyrd
Head into town like a NASCAR winner
cruisin back and forth to the tasty freeze
everywhere you look all you see is
Hillbilly Deluxe, Slick pick up Trucks
Big Timing in a small town
stirring it up right about sundown
Black Denim and Chrome to the bone
With a little homegrown Country Girl Cuddled Up
Hillbilly deluxe
Song: Hillbilly Deluxe
Artist(s): Brook & Dunn
Why It Makes Me Sick: Where to start, where to start? Somewhere in the country music handbook of song writing it clearly states that use of the term “tasty freeze” (redneck Dairy Queen) is strongly encouraged. We see this over and over again. Numerous songs have been written about country bumpkins piling in the pick-up and headin’ down to the tasty freeze. Apparently this is where they go to show off and strut around. What makes this song special is that these yokels are not content w/just one trip to the tasty freeze. Instead they just drive “back and forth” to the tasty freeze. I guess meaning they go get their initial treat, pile back in the pick-up, make it home and turn around and do the same thing over again. This my friends is one of the most retarded songs I have ever had the displeasure of reading. It is slowly oozing its way up the country charts. Stank-o-rama.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Thinks Poverty Tantamount to Slap in His Face
1) Being w/out a seat on a city bus going 65 mph down a highway. My enormous biceps can only hold me up so long. I thought I was going to fall right into the lap of a woman holding two boxes of Lamar’s donuts. My what a tasty fall it would have been.
2) Blustery-ass walk this morning. That weather man can kiss it – it sure didn't feel like a “warm up”. Based on his advice I barley dressed this morning.
3) MSNBC News for calling the potential damage from the early time change a “mini-Y2K”. Y2K was a mini Y2K!!. This would have to be something like a mini-mini Y2K. You know what will happen on March 11th when the time changes – not a damn thing. Our mysterious computers will fix themselves just like they always do.
4) Supervisor who thinks I can override a password and log onto to my coworkers computer (impossible and unethical I think).
5) Chicago Bear linebacker Lance Briggs talking about how he is a “victim” because he will only make $7 million next season. Someone should take two frying pan lids and box his ears. If I were the Bears I would tell him to just quit and go find some other profession that would pay him $7 million next year. Oh right, he is as dumb as a shoe horn, illiterate and filled with steroids – there are no other JOBS. I make $1.34 an hour and you don’t hear me complaining. Shut up and take your millions dumb terd.
Real Country Lyrics
Well, Up in the backwoods, down in the holler
old boy feeling like a dog on a colla
Keep that chain hold tight waiting on saturday night
Put on the smell good
Put on Skynyrd
Head into town like a NASCAR winner
cruisin back and forth to the tasty freeze
everywhere you look all you see is
Hillbilly Deluxe, Slick pick up Trucks
Big Timing in a small town
stirring it up right about sundown
Black Denim and Chrome to the bone
With a little homegrown Country Girl Cuddled Up
Hillbilly deluxe
Song: Hillbilly Deluxe
Artist(s): Brook & Dunn
Why It Makes Me Sick: Where to start, where to start? Somewhere in the country music handbook of song writing it clearly states that use of the term “tasty freeze” (redneck Dairy Queen) is strongly encouraged. We see this over and over again. Numerous songs have been written about country bumpkins piling in the pick-up and headin’ down to the tasty freeze. Apparently this is where they go to show off and strut around. What makes this song special is that these yokels are not content w/just one trip to the tasty freeze. Instead they just drive “back and forth” to the tasty freeze. I guess meaning they go get their initial treat, pile back in the pick-up, make it home and turn around and do the same thing over again. This my friends is one of the most retarded songs I have ever had the displeasure of reading. It is slowly oozing its way up the country charts. Stank-o-rama.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Thinks Poverty Tantamount to Slap in His Face
Monday, March 5, 2007
Unprepared for Work, Office Drone Arrives Filthy and Belligerent
Weekend Wrap-up
1) Bought new shelf for garage junk – I know, snoozers.
2) Flew to Alaska to help friend ready dogs for Iditarod race.
3) Partied until the wee hours at sister-in-law’s birthday bash Friday night at Club Gilhooley’s
4) Became enraged at Kohl’s when an hour of searching failed to produce even one pair of pants that fit. I have freak show proportions I guess.
5) For my money Chili’s is still the best haught cuisine in America. My peppercorn veggie burger had spice that just wouldn’t quit
6) Welcomed newest member of house plant family purchased from Home Depot. It is no substitute for children and that’s for sure
New Bus Public Service Message
City buses can be a crowded and dirty place. The crowded I am okay with. Seeing people use public transportation warms my heart. It is the “dirty” I have a problem with. Now before you get on me – I know we all have a day or two or ten where we are too depressed to wash. That is perfectly normal. Here I am talking about the chronically dirty. These are people that are ripe with funk nearly everyday of the year. That is why I will be suggesting to the KC Transportation Authority a new public service campaign entitled “Think before You Stink”. My campaign proposal will suggest a three pronged (maybe four) message.
Prong 1 – Get people to determine if they stink (teeth count as well).
Prong 2 – Get people to think about what their stank does to fellow bus riders (make use of religious parables)
Prong 3 – Hand out samples of deodorants and coups for hygiene products (discourage use of perfumes – they only make it worse)
Prong 4 (optional) – Bring out the dogs. Use specially trained body odor dogs to terrify stinkers (lawsuits from dog bite victims potentially damaging?)
Political Tidbit
The next time VP Cheney has a heart attack or his big nasty heart gives out completely I would beg that he be taken to Walter Reid Hospital. If it is good enough for our soldiers than it should be good enough for Mr. Cheney. Come on man – next time that ambulance backs up to your office tell them it can only be Walter Reid for you. Be brave sir.
Letter to Ann Coulter
Oh my lord lady. What have you lowered yourself to this time? Is this the only way you can get any attention, calling Democratic presidential hopeful John Edwards a gay? You remind of me of some washed up Hollywood actress who tries to make it back in the spotlight by drunk driving her Mercedes or marrying a young fellow. On your book jacket at the Barnes and Noble it lists you as a leading conservative intellectual. I don’t think your comments qualify you for that. In fact, calling someone queer is the least intellectual thing one can do. In some ways your comments make me feel good. It seems as if this is your final flail for attention – the last desperate attempt to subside your dying relevance.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Wonders Openly What Happened to Connie Chung
1) Bought new shelf for garage junk – I know, snoozers.
2) Flew to Alaska to help friend ready dogs for Iditarod race.
3) Partied until the wee hours at sister-in-law’s birthday bash Friday night at Club Gilhooley’s
4) Became enraged at Kohl’s when an hour of searching failed to produce even one pair of pants that fit. I have freak show proportions I guess.
5) For my money Chili’s is still the best haught cuisine in America. My peppercorn veggie burger had spice that just wouldn’t quit
6) Welcomed newest member of house plant family purchased from Home Depot. It is no substitute for children and that’s for sure
New Bus Public Service Message
City buses can be a crowded and dirty place. The crowded I am okay with. Seeing people use public transportation warms my heart. It is the “dirty” I have a problem with. Now before you get on me – I know we all have a day or two or ten where we are too depressed to wash. That is perfectly normal. Here I am talking about the chronically dirty. These are people that are ripe with funk nearly everyday of the year. That is why I will be suggesting to the KC Transportation Authority a new public service campaign entitled “Think before You Stink”. My campaign proposal will suggest a three pronged (maybe four) message.
Prong 1 – Get people to determine if they stink (teeth count as well).
Prong 2 – Get people to think about what their stank does to fellow bus riders (make use of religious parables)
Prong 3 – Hand out samples of deodorants and coups for hygiene products (discourage use of perfumes – they only make it worse)
Prong 4 (optional) – Bring out the dogs. Use specially trained body odor dogs to terrify stinkers (lawsuits from dog bite victims potentially damaging?)
Political Tidbit
The next time VP Cheney has a heart attack or his big nasty heart gives out completely I would beg that he be taken to Walter Reid Hospital. If it is good enough for our soldiers than it should be good enough for Mr. Cheney. Come on man – next time that ambulance backs up to your office tell them it can only be Walter Reid for you. Be brave sir.
Letter to Ann Coulter
Oh my lord lady. What have you lowered yourself to this time? Is this the only way you can get any attention, calling Democratic presidential hopeful John Edwards a gay? You remind of me of some washed up Hollywood actress who tries to make it back in the spotlight by drunk driving her Mercedes or marrying a young fellow. On your book jacket at the Barnes and Noble it lists you as a leading conservative intellectual. I don’t think your comments qualify you for that. In fact, calling someone queer is the least intellectual thing one can do. In some ways your comments make me feel good. It seems as if this is your final flail for attention – the last desperate attempt to subside your dying relevance.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Wonders Openly What Happened to Connie Chung
Friday, March 2, 2007
Mail Bag Postponed
It is true that we asked for your participation in a very special “Name that Kitty” contest. Than we said we didn’t need any of your help and there would be no cat. Perhaps this confused you. We simply did not receive our usual amount of mail this week. Normally our inbox is stuffed full with comments, death threats and wedding invitations. For those of you who did write in this week – I will include your comments next week (thanks!).
Since I had planned to fill this space today with responses to reader mail – I am at loss.
Weekend Agenda
1) Go into yard – begin studying why all water from the gutters drains directly into the foundation. Problem?
2) See if large bird nest attached to front of house is still active (thought I heard it squeaking yesterday)
3) One way or the other – get rid of fake X-Mas tree strewn about the basement
4) Call sister – ask for $50K grant to invest in salt mine
5) Drop storm door off at hardware store
6) Check the wife’s car because she drove it into a pot hole (not her fault)
7) Check my car because I drove it to work twice this week
8) Ask wife about getting me a new car (sulk about answer)
New Cubicle Coming My Way
I don’t mean to brag folks – but if I can stay employed for the next few weeks all my dreams will come true. I am getting my very own cubicle. I am going to have 3 walls and two overhead bins people. This is monumental, this is huge. For the past two years I have been sharing a small “screened in porch” type room with two other people. It has cramped my style eight ways from Sunday. I am hoping the new digs will help me to rededicate myself to the cause of indiscriminately moving papers from one side of my desk to the other.
That is about all we have time for today. Postings have been shorter than usual this week because the blog writer has not been at work so much. So when he has been here he has actually had to produce something to show his boss at his weekly "one-on-one". So my lunch time has been cut short.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Pours Milk in Wallet, Puts Change in Latte
Since I had planned to fill this space today with responses to reader mail – I am at loss.
Weekend Agenda
1) Go into yard – begin studying why all water from the gutters drains directly into the foundation. Problem?
2) See if large bird nest attached to front of house is still active (thought I heard it squeaking yesterday)
3) One way or the other – get rid of fake X-Mas tree strewn about the basement
4) Call sister – ask for $50K grant to invest in salt mine
5) Drop storm door off at hardware store
6) Check the wife’s car because she drove it into a pot hole (not her fault)
7) Check my car because I drove it to work twice this week
8) Ask wife about getting me a new car (sulk about answer)
New Cubicle Coming My Way
I don’t mean to brag folks – but if I can stay employed for the next few weeks all my dreams will come true. I am getting my very own cubicle. I am going to have 3 walls and two overhead bins people. This is monumental, this is huge. For the past two years I have been sharing a small “screened in porch” type room with two other people. It has cramped my style eight ways from Sunday. I am hoping the new digs will help me to rededicate myself to the cause of indiscriminately moving papers from one side of my desk to the other.
That is about all we have time for today. Postings have been shorter than usual this week because the blog writer has not been at work so much. So when he has been here he has actually had to produce something to show his boss at his weekly "one-on-one". So my lunch time has been cut short.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Pours Milk in Wallet, Puts Change in Latte
Thursday, March 1, 2007
Natural Disaster Ruins Office Drones Favorite Night of TV
I realize now that natural disasters and weather related calamites do not check the TV listings before they strike. Last night was a perfect example of this. I had gone through the dreary late winter day w/only the carrot of a new episode of the CBS program Jericho waiting at the end. As I sat down to watch my program trouble began almost immediately. The local CBS weather lady commandeered the station. The main focus of her hyperactivity centered on the twisters ravaging the viewing area (parts of Kansas and Missouri). I began to FUME. Local CBS was the only station that had given up on broadcasting regular programming. American Idol and whatever shit NBC and ABC were broadcasting continued uninterrupted. All of the other stations had settled for a frantic ticker at the bottom of the screen. Three times during the hour long program local CBS did return to Jericho – but for only 3 to 5 minutes at a time. How dare they put public safety ahead of a lightly regarded show like Jericho?
This story has a happy ending (not for the victims). I was able to find the episode of Jericho I missed on the internet and will watch tonight.
My house did not get a tornado – but kudos to the hail storm that did pound it. That was quite a show for about 30 minutes. It was so loud I could not have heard the TV anyway. We thought our roof was going to get damaged. We went outside after it was over and picked up some of the pieces. They were about the size of pennies and hard as a rock, very impressive. Our street was a river of them. The wife ate one (but not one from the road).
Do I Look Like an Anarchist?
Waiting to see a doctor this morning and the receptionist is flipping through her paper. She starts talking to me about a new government spy program that will soon be listening to all communications between us average Americans. She said it reminded her of the book 1984 and how the whole thing is just terrible. I thought for a minute – what if I tell her my salary is actually paid by the Department Homeland Security and that me even hearing her say that could get both me and her sent away for life. Of course I did not say that (but only because it is not true). I guess the difference between her and I is that I always assume that the stranger I am talking to is a government official (I am not). Call me paranoid if you want, but I think it is just good business sense.
Mailbag Update
Don’t forget to get any last comments or questions in by tomorrow at noon.
Kansas City Man Thinks You’ve Put on a Little Weight, No One Will Even Notice
This story has a happy ending (not for the victims). I was able to find the episode of Jericho I missed on the internet and will watch tonight.
My house did not get a tornado – but kudos to the hail storm that did pound it. That was quite a show for about 30 minutes. It was so loud I could not have heard the TV anyway. We thought our roof was going to get damaged. We went outside after it was over and picked up some of the pieces. They were about the size of pennies and hard as a rock, very impressive. Our street was a river of them. The wife ate one (but not one from the road).
Do I Look Like an Anarchist?
Waiting to see a doctor this morning and the receptionist is flipping through her paper. She starts talking to me about a new government spy program that will soon be listening to all communications between us average Americans. She said it reminded her of the book 1984 and how the whole thing is just terrible. I thought for a minute – what if I tell her my salary is actually paid by the Department Homeland Security and that me even hearing her say that could get both me and her sent away for life. Of course I did not say that (but only because it is not true). I guess the difference between her and I is that I always assume that the stranger I am talking to is a government official (I am not). Call me paranoid if you want, but I think it is just good business sense.
Mailbag Update
Don’t forget to get any last comments or questions in by tomorrow at noon.
Kansas City Man Thinks You’ve Put on a Little Weight, No One Will Even Notice
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