5) Your significant other left you – like a long time ago, those phone calls you’ve been making to your sweetie are bullshit
4) The cancer your coworkers cheered you through was not actually cancer at all – but a mental breakdown brought about by something trivial
3) The “vacation” you took last year was not to Yosemite – but instead spent serving a two week long prison term for a misunderstanding on the internet
2) It is contagious
1) You saw the cleaning lady steal the Kelly Clarkson CD off of Wendy’s desk – she then threatened to kill you (and you totally knew she was serious)
Well yesterday was definitely a long day. In inordinate amount of shit seems to be flowing downhill – and onto me. As soon as you announce you are leaving a job folks come out of the woodwork to give you the work they wanted you to do months ago. Because I am in my final two days at my job I am being forced to say final goodbyes to people. These are folks I have worked with for years. I hate goodbyes. Actually I love them. I think I am super good at them. I am a great judge at what to say and what to hold back. You always want to keep a little back. Today one of the vendors I purchase equipment from came to my office to say goodbye. We had a nice chat (and what I consider another fine farewell by me). The trick to a good adios is to downplay the “moment” with casualness. Add a somber grimace that shows you understand that you will never see this person again. I don’t advocate saying goodbye with a hug. I received one of these today. It was not a forceful hug…but a hug nonetheless.
Mailbag
Bryan writes…
To see pictures of Adam at his other job on the SciFi channel, go to: http://www.aarondouglas.biz/
Bryan is referring to what he believes is my uncanny resemblance to Aaron Douglas, an actor on the series Battlestar Galactica. Well we had our fact checking department look into the matter. Their verdict: Aaron Douglas is doing a hell of a lot more with that face than I ever could. He has finagled that mug into the hearts and minds of the science fiction crowd. I on the other hand run a small blog from my desk.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Finds the Cut of Your Jib Pitiful
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Honor Our Fallen by Sleeping in, Having Big Omelet
Yesterday (May 28th) was Memorial Day. Because of this national holiday I did not have to go to work. Hallelujah! This means I had three days off from what I call “the grind”. So a lot of people call it that – but I think my job is more grindy than some others (certainly more than yours).
This weekend proved a plentiful one. The most important thing to know is that my wife and I secured financing for a nice little gas grill – now sitting proudly in our overgrown / flooded back yard. We are learning that one of the features of our new house is that rain tends to pool in the backyard, creating what I like to call “Lake Adam”. The suburban wildlife seem to enjoy it though (especially the mosquitoes!). They’ll get after you. Back to my grill. The Chars-a-Lot 200 offers a realistic grilling experience to those unprivileged enough to purchase it. It combines the terrifying vapors of a propane tank w/the shaky legs of a $95 grill. So far our grill success stories have included 1) sweet potatoes 2) corn on the cob 3) tofu for me 4) chicken for the wife 5) asparagus for everyone.
Family Cheapness Taking Tasty Turn
My wife and I tend to be careful with our money in many ways. It is a fact of life in our house that money is very hard to earn and must be guarded. Because of this we have developed certain habits of the frugal. For instance all dollars that come in are cataloged and there whereabouts traced meticulously through their life cycle with our family. In this way we keep a record of precisely where our money is terminating. My wife recently pointed out that an inordinate amount of our income seems to be going to two specific expenditures – house plants and pie. I stopped to think about that for a minute. Sure enough we do have a lot of house plants and we do eat a lot of pie.
We are a family that is willing to stand in a grocery store isle for hours examining the unit cost on two dueling boxes of corn meal. But when confronted with the sight of a display of house plants will ask no questions as we reach in and grab all we can carry. More than once we have reached the checkout with handfuls of plants and pots – only to realize we have spent a small fortune.
As for the pies…guilty as charged. We are a family that values filling a pie crust with something, baking it, and eating it with coffee.
Memorial Day Hero
Today we honor my great-grandfather Julian Dickmantrooskye. Drafted in Poland and sent to serve on the front lines of World War I – it was his six days of incessant high-pitched screaming that got him removed from the trench and sent back on the next train home. His spirit of survival (and cowardliness) churns on in the generations that have proceeded him.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Falls Asleep in Church, Jesus Heard Not Amused
Yesterday (May 28th) was Memorial Day. Because of this national holiday I did not have to go to work. Hallelujah! This means I had three days off from what I call “the grind”. So a lot of people call it that – but I think my job is more grindy than some others (certainly more than yours).
This weekend proved a plentiful one. The most important thing to know is that my wife and I secured financing for a nice little gas grill – now sitting proudly in our overgrown / flooded back yard. We are learning that one of the features of our new house is that rain tends to pool in the backyard, creating what I like to call “Lake Adam”. The suburban wildlife seem to enjoy it though (especially the mosquitoes!). They’ll get after you. Back to my grill. The Chars-a-Lot 200 offers a realistic grilling experience to those unprivileged enough to purchase it. It combines the terrifying vapors of a propane tank w/the shaky legs of a $95 grill. So far our grill success stories have included 1) sweet potatoes 2) corn on the cob 3) tofu for me 4) chicken for the wife 5) asparagus for everyone.
Family Cheapness Taking Tasty Turn
My wife and I tend to be careful with our money in many ways. It is a fact of life in our house that money is very hard to earn and must be guarded. Because of this we have developed certain habits of the frugal. For instance all dollars that come in are cataloged and there whereabouts traced meticulously through their life cycle with our family. In this way we keep a record of precisely where our money is terminating. My wife recently pointed out that an inordinate amount of our income seems to be going to two specific expenditures – house plants and pie. I stopped to think about that for a minute. Sure enough we do have a lot of house plants and we do eat a lot of pie.
We are a family that is willing to stand in a grocery store isle for hours examining the unit cost on two dueling boxes of corn meal. But when confronted with the sight of a display of house plants will ask no questions as we reach in and grab all we can carry. More than once we have reached the checkout with handfuls of plants and pots – only to realize we have spent a small fortune.
As for the pies…guilty as charged. We are a family that values filling a pie crust with something, baking it, and eating it with coffee.
Memorial Day Hero
Today we honor my great-grandfather Julian Dickmantrooskye. Drafted in Poland and sent to serve on the front lines of World War I – it was his six days of incessant high-pitched screaming that got him removed from the trench and sent back on the next train home. His spirit of survival (and cowardliness) churns on in the generations that have proceeded him.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Falls Asleep in Church, Jesus Heard Not Amused
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Hey Tesh, Fix Your Own Flippin’ Life
As I was crusing around in my automobile this evening (returning from buying a pie) I chanced upon the John Tesh radio program. The focus of his attention seemed to be in getting me to “have more passion”. Confused by this I visited http://www.tesh.com/ for a further explanation. It turns out Tesh’s comments are related to a contest he is holding. For Tesh it is “Passion and Purpose” month. His website urges listeners to find out what makes them feel joy, fulfillment and focus. He encourages listeners to ask themselves deeply philosophical questions about what they can do better in their life or what they are doing with their life period. Tesh suggests mentoring, good parenting and community service as a stimulus for renewing vigor. Entering the “Passion and Purpose” contest allows one the opportunity to possibly-maybe win a copy of Tesh’s passion book or CD/DVD. See you in hell Tesh.
War, Good Gosh
Today the Congress approved billions of dollars in funds to continue the war in Iraq. The spending measure excluded those oh-so-pesky withdrawal timelines the Democrats had championed. The measure is being lauded as a compromise between hawkish Republicans and sheepish Democrats – but the whole matter left DFF feeling a little like a lost child in a room full of sick and dying circus clowns. I thought the Democrats had promised to a) stop funding the war or b) enact some performance measure or c) pass some kind of pull-out plan. They have done nothing but roll over and let the Republicans scratch their belly. Cowards.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Not a Fan of Gratuity
War, Good Gosh
Today the Congress approved billions of dollars in funds to continue the war in Iraq. The spending measure excluded those oh-so-pesky withdrawal timelines the Democrats had championed. The measure is being lauded as a compromise between hawkish Republicans and sheepish Democrats – but the whole matter left DFF feeling a little like a lost child in a room full of sick and dying circus clowns. I thought the Democrats had promised to a) stop funding the war or b) enact some performance measure or c) pass some kind of pull-out plan. They have done nothing but roll over and let the Republicans scratch their belly. Cowards.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Not a Fan of Gratuity
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Grab a Shovel and Let’s Get This Thing Done
We received hundreds of emails this week asking why the postings have been so inconsistent these past few days. Well the answer is a simple one – this office drone has found a new job (and thus in two weeks will have a new place to cry in his coffee). I am in the process of completing my last two weeks of employment with my current employer. This means I am training my replacement. It is unlikely that this person will be able to fill my very bored shoes.
Now many of you may be asking what this means for you. Please see the Frequently Asked Questions below:
Q – You got a new job? Will you be as miserable and surly as you have been in the past?
A – Probably.
Q – Will DFF continue to be posted between noon and 1pm (M-F)?
A – More than likely we will move to an evening posting schedule.
Q – What are you wearing?
A – You’re a perv.
Return of Bird Flu?
Somebody get Tweetie a Kleenex! A 5-year-old girl in Indonesia has died of the dreaded bird flu. This is the first case in a while. Twenty dead chickens were found near the little girls home. It was unclear at press time what the relationship was b/w the dead chickens and the dead girl. Local officials were unavailable for comment because we had no flippin’ idea how to call Indonesia.
Female Sharks Moving On Without Males? Yes.
A feminist shark in Ireland has succeeded in giving birth w/out the sperm of a male shark. The female hammerhead had been sexless for three years when she gave birth to a beautiful bouncing baby boy shark (who was then quickly murdered by a stingray in the same tank). According to science folks mammals typically do not have these type of “virgin births” – except you know who. But because of the damn stingray we will never know if that baby shark represented hope for humanity in the form of a personal savior.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Wishes You’d Show More Leg
Now many of you may be asking what this means for you. Please see the Frequently Asked Questions below:
Q – You got a new job? Will you be as miserable and surly as you have been in the past?
A – Probably.
Q – Will DFF continue to be posted between noon and 1pm (M-F)?
A – More than likely we will move to an evening posting schedule.
Q – What are you wearing?
A – You’re a perv.
Return of Bird Flu?
Somebody get Tweetie a Kleenex! A 5-year-old girl in Indonesia has died of the dreaded bird flu. This is the first case in a while. Twenty dead chickens were found near the little girls home. It was unclear at press time what the relationship was b/w the dead chickens and the dead girl. Local officials were unavailable for comment because we had no flippin’ idea how to call Indonesia.
Female Sharks Moving On Without Males? Yes.
A feminist shark in Ireland has succeeded in giving birth w/out the sperm of a male shark. The female hammerhead had been sexless for three years when she gave birth to a beautiful bouncing baby boy shark (who was then quickly murdered by a stingray in the same tank). According to science folks mammals typically do not have these type of “virgin births” – except you know who. But because of the damn stingray we will never know if that baby shark represented hope for humanity in the form of a personal savior.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Wishes You’d Show More Leg
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Dear Diary, San Francisco was wonderful!
Well I have returned from the not so Wild West. In many ways I return more rested than when I left. This I believe is the point of a vacation. I am not here to induce a snooze fest with details about a trip that so many others have taken before (San Francisco and Napa Valley). I am just going to give you a couple of highlights of this thing.
1) The city of San Francisco is made up of many different climates. Locals refer to them as micro-climates. What this means is that the weather on one city block is wholly unrelated to the weather on another. You might be applying sun screen one second and the next be purchasing a fleece to keep warm.
2) The tour guide who led our Segway tour proudly stated that Theodore Roosevelt and his “New Deal” had played a major part in building San Francisco. The self described “actress” needs to get her facts straight about history. It was Franklin D. who did all the work…and not his frisky cousin Teddy.
3) So I am washing my hands in the sink at the overlook spot to the Golden Gate Bridge. This is the place where you can have your picture taken in front of the Bridge and have a lot of cheesy shots taken too. I posed for one where I look like an explorer who is surveying a future conquest (hilarious!). I digress. I am washing my hands and I look over at the sink next to me and see a penis. The guy next to me was using the sink as a urinal. I scurried out of the bathroom and excitedly relayed my story to my friend (thinking the two of us would have a good laugh about how despicable humanity is). Said friend than began screaming at each man exiting the restroom, accusing each of being the guy who was peeing in the sink.
I will relay more trip tales tomorrow. We got a lot of ground to cover. I’m mad about a lot of things people.
Car Problems
Big thanks to our Taurus for dying at the worst possible moment – in the middle of a large intersection on a Saturday afternoon. The only thing more humiliating than breaking down in an intersection is walking home from the Wal-Mart with your little sad bag of groceries as your car is being towed in the opposite direction?
Dead, Dead, Dead!
While I was in California the Rev. Jerry Falwell fell over (and died). He has died and gone to that big nothin’ in the sky. Just joking…I am sure that upon passing Rev. Falwell was greeted by a cavalcade of big old smiling angels. From blaming the terror attacks of 9/11 on “feminists” to describing global warming as a ploy by Satan to distract us – Rev. Falwell occupied a special place in America. That special place was our $%^holes.
Quote of the Week I
"I don't know if he was fighting dogs or not," Portis said. "But it's his property; it's his dogs. If that's what he wants to do, do it."
That was Redskins player Clinton Portis coming to the defense of Atlanta Falcon Michael Vick (Vick is accused of sponsoring dog fighting on his property). What country does Portis stay in? His dogs? His property? Dog fighting is ILLEGAL. You won’t find anyone dumber than a football player.
Quote of the Week II
"In the recent interview I gave concerning dogfighting, I want to make it clear I do not take part in dogfighting or condone dogfighting in any manner."
Portis again – this time in a statement released by the Washington Redskins.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Finds New Job, Less Choking Necktie
1) The city of San Francisco is made up of many different climates. Locals refer to them as micro-climates. What this means is that the weather on one city block is wholly unrelated to the weather on another. You might be applying sun screen one second and the next be purchasing a fleece to keep warm.
2) The tour guide who led our Segway tour proudly stated that Theodore Roosevelt and his “New Deal” had played a major part in building San Francisco. The self described “actress” needs to get her facts straight about history. It was Franklin D. who did all the work…and not his frisky cousin Teddy.
3) So I am washing my hands in the sink at the overlook spot to the Golden Gate Bridge. This is the place where you can have your picture taken in front of the Bridge and have a lot of cheesy shots taken too. I posed for one where I look like an explorer who is surveying a future conquest (hilarious!). I digress. I am washing my hands and I look over at the sink next to me and see a penis. The guy next to me was using the sink as a urinal. I scurried out of the bathroom and excitedly relayed my story to my friend (thinking the two of us would have a good laugh about how despicable humanity is). Said friend than began screaming at each man exiting the restroom, accusing each of being the guy who was peeing in the sink.
I will relay more trip tales tomorrow. We got a lot of ground to cover. I’m mad about a lot of things people.
Car Problems
Big thanks to our Taurus for dying at the worst possible moment – in the middle of a large intersection on a Saturday afternoon. The only thing more humiliating than breaking down in an intersection is walking home from the Wal-Mart with your little sad bag of groceries as your car is being towed in the opposite direction?
Dead, Dead, Dead!
While I was in California the Rev. Jerry Falwell fell over (and died). He has died and gone to that big nothin’ in the sky. Just joking…I am sure that upon passing Rev. Falwell was greeted by a cavalcade of big old smiling angels. From blaming the terror attacks of 9/11 on “feminists” to describing global warming as a ploy by Satan to distract us – Rev. Falwell occupied a special place in America. That special place was our $%^holes.
Quote of the Week I
"I don't know if he was fighting dogs or not," Portis said. "But it's his property; it's his dogs. If that's what he wants to do, do it."
That was Redskins player Clinton Portis coming to the defense of Atlanta Falcon Michael Vick (Vick is accused of sponsoring dog fighting on his property). What country does Portis stay in? His dogs? His property? Dog fighting is ILLEGAL. You won’t find anyone dumber than a football player.
Quote of the Week II
"In the recent interview I gave concerning dogfighting, I want to make it clear I do not take part in dogfighting or condone dogfighting in any manner."
Portis again – this time in a statement released by the Washington Redskins.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Finds New Job, Less Choking Necktie
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Vacation All I Ever Wanted, Vacation Got to Get Away
Perhaps the Go-Go’s did say it best in their classic song “Vacation”. While a closer look at the lyrics revealed the song is actually more about recovering from a painful breakup – nevertheless it is still relevant today. The offices of the Deep Fat Fryer will be closed down for the next six business day. As a bonus, this will finally give our cleaning crew time to catch their breath. I recently made an executive decision that employees could go ahead and bring their dogs to work. It has turned into this whole big thing. I totally didn’t want to get into today, but basically I have to convince both Heidi Snifter and Janice Hoopty to drop their lawsuits. You try and do something nice for your employees and Heidi and Janice get mauled.
It will be a time for me to recharge my emotional batteries. We will return on Monday May, 21 with all new episodes (and hopefully a few tall tales from our trip to the Wild West). In keeping w/the spirit of adventure – here are the top ten things I wish to achieve with my week off in California:
1) just dance
2) throw up in a wine bucket
3) drunkily tell the wine pourer “I’ll pour my own glass of shit.”
4) find a reason to file litigation against the city of San Francisco (they seem loaded!!)
5) get stuck in a good old fashioned California traffic jam, then use rental car horn until it breaks
6) get personalized novelty tee-shirt of me buried under earthquake rubble
7) find the home of former NFL legend Joe Montana – let him know KC is still out there and we LOVE him / wonder why he never calls
8) parallel park car inside a redwood tree
Kansas Back from the Brink, Again
The pendulum of Kansas politics is once again swinging. Last November Kansas voters swept away many of the most staunchly conservative members of the Kansas Board of Education. The new and more moderate school board has set about undoing many of the policies of the old board. Chief among them has been removing limits put on school districts about how they conduct sex education curriculum. The main change will be a shift away from teaching “abstinence only” curriculum, which the prior board mandated. Kansas school districts will now have greater leeway in their efforts to keep students off of one another. Superintendent of Newton County schools, Dr. Ellie DeUvla, believes the changes will be of great benefit to the students. In an address to the Kansas House of Representatives DeUvla blasted outgoing board members for creating what she called “some of the most selfish lovers in the country.”
Toodles to Tony Blair
British Prime Minister Tony Blair announced his resignation today. Mr. Blair served over a decade – but much of his time has been spent deflecting criticism of his close relationship with President Bush. Indeed, much of the Blair legacy has been tarnished by the Iraq War (of which most Britons disagree with). British politics can be utterly mischievous. Mr. Blair has maintained his dignity through it all (unlike you-know-who across the Atlantic).We will miss you Mr. Blair.
Foreclosure Headaches
More Americans are losing their homes than ever before. As we all know getting your home foreclosed on can be a logistical nightmare. Will you be ready when the bank comes a knocking? Our own logistics expert tells us there are a couple of things you can do in advance.
The first thing is having all of your possessions out of the house. Plan in advance a safe place to move your things. The number one complaint banks have when conducting a foreclosure is when a bunch of old family photos and shit are lying everywhere. It is worth nothing to no one.
Secondly, you will want to have picked out a new place to stay. If you have children – make sure and bring a couple of their toys with you (put the rest in storage or give them to the neighbor kids). It can be a confusing time for children. Reassure them that many borrowers fell for low introductory teaser rates on adjustable rate mortgages. Remember that they have little reference for understanding how a grown adult could so badly jeopardize the financial future of an entire family.
Lastly, on foreclosure day – try and stay away from the proceedings if at all possible. Watching a bank or mortgage company auction off your piece of the American dream is not exactly heartwarming. Yelling obscenities at the auctioneer is not going to help anything either. It only proves to them what they thought they already knew – you are classless (as well as careless with money). Happy Foreclosure Day!
Kansas City Man Pitches Line of Personal Finance Crisis Greeting Cards to Hallmark
It will be a time for me to recharge my emotional batteries. We will return on Monday May, 21 with all new episodes (and hopefully a few tall tales from our trip to the Wild West). In keeping w/the spirit of adventure – here are the top ten things I wish to achieve with my week off in California:
1) just dance
2) throw up in a wine bucket
3) drunkily tell the wine pourer “I’ll pour my own glass of shit.”
4) find a reason to file litigation against the city of San Francisco (they seem loaded!!)
5) get stuck in a good old fashioned California traffic jam, then use rental car horn until it breaks
6) get personalized novelty tee-shirt of me buried under earthquake rubble
7) find the home of former NFL legend Joe Montana – let him know KC is still out there and we LOVE him / wonder why he never calls
8) parallel park car inside a redwood tree
Kansas Back from the Brink, Again
The pendulum of Kansas politics is once again swinging. Last November Kansas voters swept away many of the most staunchly conservative members of the Kansas Board of Education. The new and more moderate school board has set about undoing many of the policies of the old board. Chief among them has been removing limits put on school districts about how they conduct sex education curriculum. The main change will be a shift away from teaching “abstinence only” curriculum, which the prior board mandated. Kansas school districts will now have greater leeway in their efforts to keep students off of one another. Superintendent of Newton County schools, Dr. Ellie DeUvla, believes the changes will be of great benefit to the students. In an address to the Kansas House of Representatives DeUvla blasted outgoing board members for creating what she called “some of the most selfish lovers in the country.”
Toodles to Tony Blair
British Prime Minister Tony Blair announced his resignation today. Mr. Blair served over a decade – but much of his time has been spent deflecting criticism of his close relationship with President Bush. Indeed, much of the Blair legacy has been tarnished by the Iraq War (of which most Britons disagree with). British politics can be utterly mischievous. Mr. Blair has maintained his dignity through it all (unlike you-know-who across the Atlantic).We will miss you Mr. Blair.
Foreclosure Headaches
More Americans are losing their homes than ever before. As we all know getting your home foreclosed on can be a logistical nightmare. Will you be ready when the bank comes a knocking? Our own logistics expert tells us there are a couple of things you can do in advance.
The first thing is having all of your possessions out of the house. Plan in advance a safe place to move your things. The number one complaint banks have when conducting a foreclosure is when a bunch of old family photos and shit are lying everywhere. It is worth nothing to no one.
Secondly, you will want to have picked out a new place to stay. If you have children – make sure and bring a couple of their toys with you (put the rest in storage or give them to the neighbor kids). It can be a confusing time for children. Reassure them that many borrowers fell for low introductory teaser rates on adjustable rate mortgages. Remember that they have little reference for understanding how a grown adult could so badly jeopardize the financial future of an entire family.
Lastly, on foreclosure day – try and stay away from the proceedings if at all possible. Watching a bank or mortgage company auction off your piece of the American dream is not exactly heartwarming. Yelling obscenities at the auctioneer is not going to help anything either. It only proves to them what they thought they already knew – you are classless (as well as careless with money). Happy Foreclosure Day!
Kansas City Man Pitches Line of Personal Finance Crisis Greeting Cards to Hallmark
Wednesday, May 9, 2007
Office Drone Dreams of Life as Gangles the Clown, Big Top Superstar
No I don’t want to join the circus as a clown. That was just to get your attention. I want to talk about rehabilitation. We hear a lot of stories about celebrities entering and exiting rehab like it is some kind of Piggly Wiggly supermarket. Both Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears have recently completed stints there. Celebrities are willing to pay top dollar to be rehabbed (in luxury of course). So I had two thoughts on this. My first thought is that I have an entrepreneurial itch. I would like to start me one of those fancy rehab clinics for the stars. How much can they cost to start? You get a couple of Tommy Hilfiger bathrobes and you are done. I am unwilling to relocate though. The stars will have to come to the middle of Kansas for their treatment. It is tranquil anyway. My second thought is that rehab actually sounds kind of nice. It would be great to have a few weeks off from life. I should drink more. Vodka would be my drink of choice because I imagine it is easy to just start using that instead of half n half in my coffee.
Disease of the Week
This week we look at the disease Dystonia. Our physician on staff Dr. Nightytickles tell us that Dystonia will not kill you – just make you “stand out” in a crowd. Basically Dystonia gets all up in the basal ganglia area of your brain and does a little remodeling job. Dystonia causes the muscles of your body to no longer relax. They involuntarily twist and spasm as if groovin’ to some soul music. Competing muscle twitches may give the appearance of a civil war in a particular body part. This thing doesn’t discriminate either people. You won’t find Dystonia talking shit about anyone in particular – it is simply going after everyone (ladies, men, children, black, white, etc). If you have this thing you are going to know it, but some symptoms include head jerking, tough time chewing and leg cramps. There is no cure – but Dystonia-foundation.org would like you to know that scientists are on the case (though they fail to offer any real specifics).
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Has Noticeable Limp
Disease of the Week
This week we look at the disease Dystonia. Our physician on staff Dr. Nightytickles tell us that Dystonia will not kill you – just make you “stand out” in a crowd. Basically Dystonia gets all up in the basal ganglia area of your brain and does a little remodeling job. Dystonia causes the muscles of your body to no longer relax. They involuntarily twist and spasm as if groovin’ to some soul music. Competing muscle twitches may give the appearance of a civil war in a particular body part. This thing doesn’t discriminate either people. You won’t find Dystonia talking shit about anyone in particular – it is simply going after everyone (ladies, men, children, black, white, etc). If you have this thing you are going to know it, but some symptoms include head jerking, tough time chewing and leg cramps. There is no cure – but Dystonia-foundation.org would like you to know that scientists are on the case (though they fail to offer any real specifics).
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Has Noticeable Limp
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
Sitting in Cubicle with My Floaties On…Waiting For the Flood Waters
Our friend the Missouri River has decided to leap from its banks and into our streets. It appears as if the flooding could be very damaging (especially to the low towns that are plopped down along the river). Many communities are already reporting flood waters flowing on their “Main Street”. Well here is to hoping the Missouri River reconsiders and recedes a bit. While the Missouri River does not get as much publicity as the Mississippi River – it can still be just as much of a bitch as its more famous neighbor.
Quote of the Week I
“They were walking on my eardrums”
This was from a 9-year-old boy in Oregon who had two spiders living in his ear. The boy seemed to take the whole thing in stride. He even kept the two spider carcasses as a souvenir of the ordeal.
Quote of the Week II
“Oh my god, shit, oh god, oh shit, oh god, shit”
That was actually me – screaming and dodging lightning bolts as I ran down the driveway to retrieve our newspaper Sunday morning.
Americans with Issues Foundation
The Americans with Issues Foundation (or AIF) recently released the results of a groundbreaking study. Their controversial findings revealed what many had suspected. The AIF sampled over 3,000 Americans and found that nearly 92% of those surveyed could identify at least one person in their immediate family as someone with “issues”. The top five issues the survey participants named most frequently:
5) Greedy pig
4) They poor
3) Horrible drunk
2) Selfish in the boudoir
1) Too fat for living
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Can Bake for You Too
Quote of the Week I
“They were walking on my eardrums”
This was from a 9-year-old boy in Oregon who had two spiders living in his ear. The boy seemed to take the whole thing in stride. He even kept the two spider carcasses as a souvenir of the ordeal.
Quote of the Week II
“Oh my god, shit, oh god, oh shit, oh god, shit”
That was actually me – screaming and dodging lightning bolts as I ran down the driveway to retrieve our newspaper Sunday morning.
Americans with Issues Foundation
The Americans with Issues Foundation (or AIF) recently released the results of a groundbreaking study. Their controversial findings revealed what many had suspected. The AIF sampled over 3,000 Americans and found that nearly 92% of those surveyed could identify at least one person in their immediate family as someone with “issues”. The top five issues the survey participants named most frequently:
5) Greedy pig
4) They poor
3) Horrible drunk
2) Selfish in the boudoir
1) Too fat for living
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Can Bake for You Too
Monday, May 7, 2007
Thunderstorms Finally Let Up, Drone Can Peek Head Out of House
Ah man it was a stormy Sunday on our little 1/37th of an acre suburban paradise. Our backyard is looking more like a lake than a small patch of American dream. We got a lot of standing water back there. Probably the thing I got the most sick of was the lightning flashing in my mug every time I walked by a window. It went on most of the day Sunday. In one instance I was minding my own business – doing up some dishes – and a bolt of lighting flashed in our front yard. Well it literally stopped my ticker and temporarily blinded me. It was NOT pleasant. By the time I remembered what I was doing the dish water was cold and I had to start all over with fresh.
Vroom, Vroom, Car Shopping!!
Well my wife and I took that all important first step and visited a car dealership this weekend. It was not w/out its drama. We got lost on the way out there, nearly ran out of gas and were w/out food for up to 20 minutes. We finally did make it to the Honda dealership. What we found there was a damn shyster for a car salesperson and prices that were a little higher than we can afford ($00,000.00?). We test drove both the Civic and the Accord. My review – they drive nice, they are nice. We are going to go test drive some Toyota products tonight. My guess is that those will be nice too.
Travel News You Can Use
Has anyone traveled lately? What is up with traveling being expensive? My lord - $400 for a wine and cheese hot air balloon ride over Napa Valley? Come on. That is just cost prohibitive people. Basically my travel tip is this: Stay home, you can’t afford that. I would recommend visiting your local library and perhaps reading a book about a place you would like to go when you have some extra cash. If you must travel – stay close to home. You can’t afford the gas to go any further. If you possess children – take them to places that are free of the money sucking gift shops they like to frequent. State and national parks are great places to not spend money. Pack a cooler of cheese sandwiches and really save your pennies. Don’t let your kids bully you either. Yes they will want to go to Disney World. They will use every trick in the book to get there. You’ve got to be strong. If they are young (age 3 to 8 maybe) tell them that parents and children are frequently separated there, FOREVER. Do they want to be orphaned? That is a risk they surely won’t want to take. Fun and cheap family vacations abound – you just have to be willing to look for them or not go anywhere. Good luck!
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Not Shy in Role of Debutant
Vroom, Vroom, Car Shopping!!
Well my wife and I took that all important first step and visited a car dealership this weekend. It was not w/out its drama. We got lost on the way out there, nearly ran out of gas and were w/out food for up to 20 minutes. We finally did make it to the Honda dealership. What we found there was a damn shyster for a car salesperson and prices that were a little higher than we can afford ($00,000.00?). We test drove both the Civic and the Accord. My review – they drive nice, they are nice. We are going to go test drive some Toyota products tonight. My guess is that those will be nice too.
Travel News You Can Use
Has anyone traveled lately? What is up with traveling being expensive? My lord - $400 for a wine and cheese hot air balloon ride over Napa Valley? Come on. That is just cost prohibitive people. Basically my travel tip is this: Stay home, you can’t afford that. I would recommend visiting your local library and perhaps reading a book about a place you would like to go when you have some extra cash. If you must travel – stay close to home. You can’t afford the gas to go any further. If you possess children – take them to places that are free of the money sucking gift shops they like to frequent. State and national parks are great places to not spend money. Pack a cooler of cheese sandwiches and really save your pennies. Don’t let your kids bully you either. Yes they will want to go to Disney World. They will use every trick in the book to get there. You’ve got to be strong. If they are young (age 3 to 8 maybe) tell them that parents and children are frequently separated there, FOREVER. Do they want to be orphaned? That is a risk they surely won’t want to take. Fun and cheap family vacations abound – you just have to be willing to look for them or not go anywhere. Good luck!
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Not Shy in Role of Debutant
Friday, May 4, 2007
Drone Amuses Self with Thoughts of Being Own Boss, Would Likely Fire Own Ass
I just felt something shiny over my shoulder. I realized the sun was actually out. It seems like it has been a while since I have seen that. The dreary weather has been making me day-sleepy. I need some Vitamin D or something. I just want to grab a blanket and curl up under my desk like a bambino.
Weekend Agenda
1) Put on my short-shorts – grab my ax and remove old shrubs from our yard. Put that image in your pipe and smoke it. It is just me sweating and chopping all the live long day.
2) Attend the 4th birthday party of little Amelia. I am looking forward to watching her tell everyone exactly where and what she wants them to be doing (example: Hey guys grab a balloon and jump around).
3) Stand over the area where I put down grass seed – pontificate why it didn’t grow – and then give that dirt a frustrated kick (ala the “Pa” character from Grapes of Wrath).
4) Really think about buying a new car – really think about what I want for a second job.
5) Apply for that second job.
6) Make an omelet – eat it gone.
What is the big deal?
You may not have heard – but I did. Time magazine released its list of the 100 most influential people. These are people who influence our lives in untold and unexplainable ways (Brad Pitt?). Well the big news was who was not on the list. Our very own George Bush was noticeably absent. Now if you listen to people like Fox News talking ass Sean Hannity he will tell you it is part of a vast liberal conspiracy. Mr. Hannity has once again missed the point. The list is not made of the most powerful people – it is made up of people that spur us to action (Al Gore) and people who are maybe oddly sexy (German Prime Minister Angela Merkel). She is a tigress! The list is not about power or if you are a tigress or not a tigress. People like Sean Hannity are wrong. Bush should not be on the list. While Bush may have his “finger on the button” his influence has subsided in his second term. Even his own party now seems to be screening his calls. Sen. Kristy Cuddle (R – North Dakota) recently said she screens his calls, as does Sen. Wesley Collision (R – Wyoming) and Sen. Luscious Pullmore (R – West Virginia).
Well folks that concludes another week here in the Deep Fat Fryer. Thanks for showing up. Without you there would be no Fryer. You are the grease that makes this whole thing sizzle.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Relishes Own Illiteracy
Weekend Agenda
1) Put on my short-shorts – grab my ax and remove old shrubs from our yard. Put that image in your pipe and smoke it. It is just me sweating and chopping all the live long day.
2) Attend the 4th birthday party of little Amelia. I am looking forward to watching her tell everyone exactly where and what she wants them to be doing (example: Hey guys grab a balloon and jump around).
3) Stand over the area where I put down grass seed – pontificate why it didn’t grow – and then give that dirt a frustrated kick (ala the “Pa” character from Grapes of Wrath).
4) Really think about buying a new car – really think about what I want for a second job.
5) Apply for that second job.
6) Make an omelet – eat it gone.
What is the big deal?
You may not have heard – but I did. Time magazine released its list of the 100 most influential people. These are people who influence our lives in untold and unexplainable ways (Brad Pitt?). Well the big news was who was not on the list. Our very own George Bush was noticeably absent. Now if you listen to people like Fox News talking ass Sean Hannity he will tell you it is part of a vast liberal conspiracy. Mr. Hannity has once again missed the point. The list is not made of the most powerful people – it is made up of people that spur us to action (Al Gore) and people who are maybe oddly sexy (German Prime Minister Angela Merkel). She is a tigress! The list is not about power or if you are a tigress or not a tigress. People like Sean Hannity are wrong. Bush should not be on the list. While Bush may have his “finger on the button” his influence has subsided in his second term. Even his own party now seems to be screening his calls. Sen. Kristy Cuddle (R – North Dakota) recently said she screens his calls, as does Sen. Wesley Collision (R – Wyoming) and Sen. Luscious Pullmore (R – West Virginia).
Well folks that concludes another week here in the Deep Fat Fryer. Thanks for showing up. Without you there would be no Fryer. You are the grease that makes this whole thing sizzle.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Relishes Own Illiteracy
Thursday, May 3, 2007
Milkshake Now Bringing Fewer to Yard
Unfortunately it looks as though my wife and I will be shopping for a new car a little sooner than we planned (never?). Our Ford Taurus is really piling up the repair bills lately. The final straw came when something called an “alternator” went on the fritz. Apparently these "alternators" play a key role in operating a motor coach. They keep the battery nice and charged. They are a little on the expensive side. Now you are caught up. It is time for us to make a decision on a new car. This made me think back to the negative experience I had when I got screwed by the good folks at CarMax. Actually they were bad folks. While I may have been flimflammed in the past, this time I come armed with the pit-bull of negotiators. My beautiful wife morphs into a haggling gypsy princess when it comes to saving a dollar (or several thousand in this case). I am anxious to see her take down some highfaluting car salesperson. Though I am occasionally mortified by her gypsy ways – I am always glad to save a few greenbacks myself.
Bad Dream
I had a bad dream last night that I was helping unload airplanes that were carrying sick and dismembered bodies from some terrorist attack on another planet. It was horrible! I woke up at 2am all shaky and exhausted from helping dream victims. I don't like spending my nights wrapped in a cocoon of fake suffering.
Disease Review
This week will take a look at Dengue Fever. This nasty infection simply isn’t playing around. It’s a virus people! Victims of this little number typically stay in tropical and sub tropical climates. It is transmitted by the mosquito. If you get this you are going to a get a fever, headaches, some muscle tenderness, gastritis and vomiting. You are going to not want to get dehydrated – so you’ll need plenty of fluids. There is no cure. You are going to need to let the Dengue run its course. Dengue Fever is also pretty resistant to even the most heartfelt prayers. Tell your family to quit praying and empty your shit bucket.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Running Out of Imaginative Signoffs
Bad Dream
I had a bad dream last night that I was helping unload airplanes that were carrying sick and dismembered bodies from some terrorist attack on another planet. It was horrible! I woke up at 2am all shaky and exhausted from helping dream victims. I don't like spending my nights wrapped in a cocoon of fake suffering.
Disease Review
This week will take a look at Dengue Fever. This nasty infection simply isn’t playing around. It’s a virus people! Victims of this little number typically stay in tropical and sub tropical climates. It is transmitted by the mosquito. If you get this you are going to a get a fever, headaches, some muscle tenderness, gastritis and vomiting. You are going to not want to get dehydrated – so you’ll need plenty of fluids. There is no cure. You are going to need to let the Dengue run its course. Dengue Fever is also pretty resistant to even the most heartfelt prayers. Tell your family to quit praying and empty your shit bucket.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Running Out of Imaginative Signoffs
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
Make Up You Own Headline – Office Drone Has Had Enough
As far as days go – today is one of them. That is about all I can say. I am currently muching on a pb&j and drying off from my soggy walk to the Postal Office. It has been raining at a pretty good clip all day. The rain makes me super happy. I keep reading stories about how the warming of the globe is making everything real dry (Australia is one big cotton ball). When it rains it reassures me that my way of life is sustainable and that it is Al Gore alone who has some kind of a problem. No – just joking. I am not one of these “deny global warming” people. I fear food shortages more than anyone. A man gets used to a certain variety and quantity of feed. I don’t think I would be very effective with a hunting riffle either. If it ever comes to that…me and the family are goners. I can just see me plodding through a wooded area – hungry – and looking for a rabbit or possum to fill up the family fry pan. I can imagine coming home empty handed and having all my hungry children ridicule me (they would call me fat even though I hadn’t eaten in weeks – just because they know I am sensitive).
Bush vs. Congress
Oh folks, this thing is heating up. Bush and the Congress have failed to compromise on the war funding bill. Things are getting downright medieval up in this here Capitol. In case you are confused – here is an assessment of the situation you can relay at your cocktail parties. On one side we got Bush & Company. He likes his war and he likes it funded WELL. On the other side we got the Democrats (this is your Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid crew). They are fed up with funding the war. Neither side is giving an inch. It is an old fashioned tug of war here people. They are going to sit here and pull at this rope until someone falls in the mud. When this happens that person will be covered in so much mud that someone will have to pull him/her out of the mud. When that person is pulled out of the mud they will need a hot shower and a change of clothes. Listen, I could talk all day about falling into a muddy pit. These politicians are not just playing tug of war over a mud hole – they are playing tug of war with the outcome of a war. I am not going to say anymore than that. Everyone might end up muddy.
Healthy Living Section – Tips for Eating Healthy at a Restaurant
1) Request a table near the front door
2) Tell the server you are fed up with their brand of bullshit
3) Ask to speak with a manager, if one is not available – keep asking until one appears
4) Reemphasize to your server your willingness to go “ape shit” over the little things
Instituting those simple changes can make a world of difference on your waistline.
Brittney Spears Oozes Back On Stage
Stop the presses because Brittney Spears made an appearance in a California club last night and sang a few songs. Many of you have not seen Ms. Spears in quite sometime. We at the Deep Fat Fryer became familiar with Ms. Spears when she applied for an internal auditor position we had open last month. My boy Nate in human resources interviewed her. He said she was as fidgety and nervous as an old trolley car operator (Nate is a real ass too). We did not extend her an offer – so I guess it is back on stage for this piece of American royalty. We wish Ms. Spears nothing but the best as she digs herself out of one gutter and back into another more comfortable gutter.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Getting On With Life after Alien Abduction
Bush vs. Congress
Oh folks, this thing is heating up. Bush and the Congress have failed to compromise on the war funding bill. Things are getting downright medieval up in this here Capitol. In case you are confused – here is an assessment of the situation you can relay at your cocktail parties. On one side we got Bush & Company. He likes his war and he likes it funded WELL. On the other side we got the Democrats (this is your Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid crew). They are fed up with funding the war. Neither side is giving an inch. It is an old fashioned tug of war here people. They are going to sit here and pull at this rope until someone falls in the mud. When this happens that person will be covered in so much mud that someone will have to pull him/her out of the mud. When that person is pulled out of the mud they will need a hot shower and a change of clothes. Listen, I could talk all day about falling into a muddy pit. These politicians are not just playing tug of war over a mud hole – they are playing tug of war with the outcome of a war. I am not going to say anymore than that. Everyone might end up muddy.
Healthy Living Section – Tips for Eating Healthy at a Restaurant
1) Request a table near the front door
2) Tell the server you are fed up with their brand of bullshit
3) Ask to speak with a manager, if one is not available – keep asking until one appears
4) Reemphasize to your server your willingness to go “ape shit” over the little things
Instituting those simple changes can make a world of difference on your waistline.
Brittney Spears Oozes Back On Stage
Stop the presses because Brittney Spears made an appearance in a California club last night and sang a few songs. Many of you have not seen Ms. Spears in quite sometime. We at the Deep Fat Fryer became familiar with Ms. Spears when she applied for an internal auditor position we had open last month. My boy Nate in human resources interviewed her. He said she was as fidgety and nervous as an old trolley car operator (Nate is a real ass too). We did not extend her an offer – so I guess it is back on stage for this piece of American royalty. We wish Ms. Spears nothing but the best as she digs herself out of one gutter and back into another more comfortable gutter.
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Getting On With Life after Alien Abduction
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
Office Drone Trades Dirty Looks with Office Slob
First of all I am tired of Venezuela President Huge Chavez and all his machismo posturing. It is time for Mr. Chavez to “get real” or “keep it real” – as they say in North America. His latest shady antic involves seizing control of the last remaining privately held oil fields. Chavez has been a quest to wrastle control of Venezuela’s vast oil reserves away from BP, Chevron, Exxon-Mobil, etc. The move will ensure that prices at our precious pumps continue to gallop toward $4 a gallon. When this happens almost everyone will be unhappy with things (especially with Chavez). It is time for Chavez to give back control of the oil fields to the large corporations and denounce socialism. He is getting all the other South American countries all excited and wanting socialist reform(s). Bushy needs to fly down to Caracas and show him some of our war toys. Bush can say “you a bit of a free thinker, well look at my war toys” and then he can point to some tanks and bombs. That would probably get Chavez on the horn and apologizing to BP, Chevron and Exxon-Mobil ASAP.
News about St. Louis…
Well look who is in the top ten in the list of cities with the worst air quality…it is you St. Louis. Yes you act all smug and snobby - as if you are the pearl of Missouri and Kansas City is shit-soup. But the statistics tell the real story. St. Louis you top us in crime and now wretched air. All your dirty laundry has been aired and you have been exposed for what you truly are. You are a city with dirty air and a lot of murdering going on. Why don’t you come up to Kansas City and see how clean air gets done? Sure you might counter with the success of your sports franchises (Rams Super Bowl in 1999 and Cardinals World Series in 2006). Well people in Kansas City don’t care about championships – we care about flaring our nostrils and getting a lung full of the good stuff. Bite on that St. Louis. Bite is good.
Travel Section
I recently had the opportunity to spend a weekend in Quincy, Illinois. I found the town to be very quaint and friendly. Quincy sits on the Mississippi River across from Missouri. It is a nice town. A lot of the people were nice. I like the coffee shop and the Chinese buffet. They have a nice wine bar. There are a lot of motorcycles. People drive slower than you or I might. The town is historic. I liked it. I hope my review helps you when you visit Quincy. Happy traveling!!
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Needs Your Help…It’s Not What You Think
News about St. Louis…
Well look who is in the top ten in the list of cities with the worst air quality…it is you St. Louis. Yes you act all smug and snobby - as if you are the pearl of Missouri and Kansas City is shit-soup. But the statistics tell the real story. St. Louis you top us in crime and now wretched air. All your dirty laundry has been aired and you have been exposed for what you truly are. You are a city with dirty air and a lot of murdering going on. Why don’t you come up to Kansas City and see how clean air gets done? Sure you might counter with the success of your sports franchises (Rams Super Bowl in 1999 and Cardinals World Series in 2006). Well people in Kansas City don’t care about championships – we care about flaring our nostrils and getting a lung full of the good stuff. Bite on that St. Louis. Bite is good.
Travel Section
I recently had the opportunity to spend a weekend in Quincy, Illinois. I found the town to be very quaint and friendly. Quincy sits on the Mississippi River across from Missouri. It is a nice town. A lot of the people were nice. I like the coffee shop and the Chinese buffet. They have a nice wine bar. There are a lot of motorcycles. People drive slower than you or I might. The town is historic. I liked it. I hope my review helps you when you visit Quincy. Happy traveling!!
Next Posting: Kansas City Man Needs Your Help…It’s Not What You Think
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