Deep Fat Fryer

Still Bloated From Thanksgiving?

2007-11-26T22:38:00.000-06:00

I am still stuffed as a turkey on Thanksgiving. Somebody get me a stomach pump. Ouch. I had the last of my leftovers yesterday (stuffing, potatoes, cranberry, etc). I hated to finish them off. As snarfed the last bite of stuffing I couldn’t help but think of all the great memories the food and I had shared. It was as blissful a five days as I have ever had.

Cheney Examined for Irregular Heartbeat

Vice President Dick Cheney is seeking treatment for an irregular heartbeat, or what I call “skippy heart”. It causes the heart beat to skip around like a school girl on Easter Sunday. Doctors may use electrical shocks to try and get that Cheney heart back in rhythm. Oh to be the person who gets to decide just how electrical those shocks need to be. Shock that heart, baby.

Why I Don’t Trust People Who Write A Novella

I just don’t trust ‘em. Why don’t you just write a whole book? And what is with that name anyway, novella? Try “short book”.

Catch Phrases I Invented, But Never Really Took Off Nationally

--I’m not the homeless, bite me
--This isn’t KFC, get your fixin’s someplace else
--Call your mama, ‘cause camps over
--Get out of Vegas, doll
--Somebody call for a fart?
--Don’t even ask me if I tooted

Science Corner

Researchers at Klamy Falls University in Dublin, Ireland recently hypothesized that women defer to their females friends when making decisions about potential partners. In the experiment scientists showed twelve ladies pictures of hunky farmers. The women all grabbed and pulled at the photos and the whole thing was kind of a mess. In the end the scientists were not sure about much.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Takes To Street, Finds Time There Unrewarding

Tampa Trip

2007-11-15T22:02:00.000-06:00

Well last weekend I was in Tampa for three days. Tampa is pretty nice – if you like fun in the sun and all that kinda junk. I am kind of morbid. I prefer the bleak landscape of a Midwestern winter over the bright sunshine of central Florida. It is hard to believe I used to stay down there. They have traffic to high heavens. Every butthole from New Jersey to Michigan has squeezed theyselves onto that peninsula. It is a lot of people, thats all. People down there drive like dicks! They are all trying to get somewhere super-quick. I was a nervous-nelly the whole time. It is just too darn fast. Even in the right hand lane they want to give you trouble. That is supposed to be the lane for slowpokes. Not in Tampa, friend. My wife and I did eat at real life Cuban restaurant in the old Cuban district of the city, Ybor. I had the black beans and rice and the lady had the Cuban sandwich and deviled crabs. Pretty tasty.

I also got to go back and visit my old college campus, or “the quad” as I called it. This is where I used to rally against “the man”, play Frisbee with Chuck and Dick, steal a kiss from my best girl. As I walked the campus with my wife I remembered that none of those things actually happened. I had actually spent three years there wondering why people were pretending it wasn’t blazing hot. No thanks to Frisbee on the quad – too hot for that. I was also carrying about 60 extra pounds back then, making me a big-complainy-sweaty mess.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Hits the Ground Running

Dramatic Workplace Confessions

2007-11-08T21:39:00.000-06:00

It is me who is clogging the break room drain by shoving food particles down there. I know we are not supposed to, but it takes so much effort to scrape my plate into the trash. I feel so much better. Don’t tell maintenance – they’ll cut me.

Garth Brooks Concert Rocked
Monday night was the return of the second biggest recording artist in history, Mr. Garth Brooks. I was just four rows from the stage. This was close enough to make eye contact on more than one occasion. Though my wife has never been a fan of country music – even she had to admit the concert lived up to the hype. From the moment when Brooks exploded onto the stage, to the last dramatic encore, the energy and excitement of the crowd delivered a knockout performance. The tone for the whole evening was set by Trisha Yearwood, the wife of Brooks, who opened the show with a rousing rendition of her smash song “She’s In Love with the Boy.” And who wouldn’t be. Brooks delivered hit after endless hit, delighting the crowd for over two whole hours.

The new downtown arena, the Sprint Center, also shined in just its first month of operation. The whole place has the feel of a Roman amphitheater. No blood thirsty lions here though – just the single biggest name in country music history (and me).

Off to Tampa, Suckers
See you all later. I am going down to Tampa to hang with the elderies for a few days. I know I am still forty years away from retiring to the sands of what is left of Florida – but it is never to early dream.

Here are the top ten things about Florida:
1) Bikinis
2) Bikinis
3) Bikinis

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Leaving Russian Mafia to be Stay at Home Dad

Top Ten Excuses for Not Writing a Blog This Week

2007-11-01T19:40:00.001-06:00

10) Too much time chatting up the oldies
9) Canker sore got the best of me
8) Dealing with ramifications of pet monkey learning stove knobs
7) Marital crisis caused by my over attentiveness
6) Cleaning up after monkey flung burned Kraft Mac & Cheese
5) Putting finishing touches on my Halloween outfit (Shakira)
4) Scrubbing them Sugar Daddy candies off my chompers
3) Cleaning out freezer after frozen pizza recall (Totino’s)
2) Searching WebMD for “bruised keister” after falling down drunk
1) Dropping my old and lazy horse off at the Old-Lazy Horsy Retirement Villa

Financial Woes

Anyone else think something is up on Wall Street? Uh, I do. I think sometimes those big honchos forget about what is going down on Main Street. What about the little people and our very small 457 contributions? I think all us average folks should pay a visit to these fat-cats in Manhattan. I say, we should all just show up unannounced. We’ll get everyone together. I’ll call Florida and New York, you take the rest. Let’s just show up. Let’s just go, man. We’ll talk about our questions on the way. Leave your Crocs shoes at home though. Those richies won’t take us seriously if we show up in Crocs.

Britney Spears Update

There isn’t one – on account of me not giving a damn. Just joshing. Hell, she’s alright.

Technology Update

This week we look at my home’s computer. It is a big tower, about 10 apples high. When it runs it roars like a baboon. I know we need to be modern and get a laptop. I want to take a shiny laptop to Starbucks and bang the keys whilst I slurps my coffee. I can’t even lift our tower, let alone take it to Starbucks and plug it in down there. They wouldn’t have the power to run it anyway. Whenever it comes time to decide to upgrade our electronics – we decide we would rather go on vacation and use the money for that.

One time the cable guy came out and was talking shit about how our TV was such a piece of old shit. I hit him over the head with a vase.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Is World’s Most Vain Ugly Person

Fires Everywhere

2007-10-25T20:34:00.000-06:00

Unless you stay in a cave – well you have probably heard that large portions of southern California (or SoCal as the really super cool people call it) have been burned and blackened like a steak at the Sizzler. Because I don’t live in San Diego I don’t know what it is like to watch my neighborhood burn to a crisp. This seems to happen there more than in, say Topeka. I did have to laugh though because I saw a caption under one couple that said “lost both of their homes”. It would be weird to lose not only one hillside mansion, but two.

Car Shopping

Since I sold Tammy the Corolla last week I have been internet shopping. I have been looking on Craigslist, waiting for that perfect automobile to pop-up. Mostly I eye sensible and midsize sedans, capable of hauling potential babies and groceries. But sometimes I do open up an ad for a sports car. I think how fun it would be to do 60mph on my street, children and old ladies diving out the way. In my dream it is a little red, two door number. I am wearing sunglasses and a devil-may-care attitude. But alas it is my fate to always drive something that is of no real threat to the neighborhood elderies.

Couch Selling

Tomorrow night I am selling the couch in our basement for a tidy sum of $350. This couch is nice, I mean real nice. But it was a little to un-firm for the asses in my family.

Question of the Week

Didn’t Princes Diana die like ten years ago? Why is this still front page news? Jesus, people forgot about JFK faster than her, and she didn’t turn back Soviet warheads headed for Cuba. Give me a break. I just saw a headline on CNN that said Diana spoke as she lay in the road dying. Well I probably would to – I would probably use some choice words about the photogs who had run my buns of the road and into a wall. My last words would have been something like “you are all such assholes, I can even believe….

Good night my sweet angels. I am a little ripe from my run and it is time to get some dinner. I hope each of you have a good weekend.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Keeps On Impersonating Mrs. Doubtfire

Global Warming Is Warming My Ass

2007-10-21T11:38:00.000-06:00

Man, I tell you – it was hot around Kansas City yesterday. I checked my calendar, sure enough it was the middle of October. It felt more like early September to me. Al Gore needs to use that big Nobel Peace Prize to deflect the sun and cool our shit down.

I feel like I am really doing my part with this global warming thing. I won’t tell you how, but just know that I am really on top of it.

Sold My Car

My Corolla, Tammy, was sold this weekend. Her fetching price on Craigslist was $500. I must admit I was a little sentimental watching her leave our driveway for the last time. I thought about all the memories we made together. When I picked her out at Carmax I was just a junior in college (2000). I was a baby, for that matter so was Tammy. Almost instantly we survived a brutal car accident on an icy interstate in North Carolina. And it was Tammy who sputtered across the Mississippi River and onto our new life in Kansas City five years ago. She was a trooper until the end, and for that reason I saluted her as that truck towed her ass down the road and out of my life forever. Good luck Tammy, good luck to you.

World War III Talk, Stifle It

I was saddened this week when the President threatened that inaction against Iran may lead to World War III. I guess it was the way he sort of mapped out the conflict that made me a little edgy. It seems to me the quickest way to start WWIII is to speak about it like you have given it a lot of thought.

What in the World?

A second-grader in New Jersey was suspended for drawing a picture of a water pistol. His suspension has drawn outrage across the country. Okay, I am the only one outraged. We have to have a little tolerance for boys. Boys will be boys. If you don’t allow them a little bit of violence in their lives they will not be prepared when they are forced to fight in war. I guess I just think that these boys have got to be ready for the future. Forcing them to play “tea party” instead of “cops and robbers” isn’t going to do us any good. I want these boys violent and ready to go grab that oil from some shitless third world country. I say teach violence in school. Suspend them for not drawing weapons. Better yet, teach weapons. That way when they get to war they won't be sort of nervous or apprehensive.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Told By Dentist to Eat More Candy Corn

Quote of the Week

2007-10-16T16:39:00.000-06:00

“I want my money.”

….as said to me by a four foot Boy Scout looking to collect $15 in back popcorn debt. A few weeks ago, in a moment of not thinking I agreed to buy a tin of Butter Lover’s from this kid. Unable to pay him with cash (I didn’t have any) and unable to pay him with a checkbook (I couldn’t find it) I told him I would order the popcorn, but he’d have to come back for his money. So last night I open the door and I am greeted with “I want my money”. I thought the rascal was going to club my knees. He was like the Boy Scout Mafia. I paid the kid, couple more weeks ‘til I get my popcorn though.

Andy Rooney Disappoints Me

Anyone watch Andy Rooney lately? This guy just isn’t relevant anymore. On Sunday he spent two minutes telling us that everyone has a favorite season (his is fall). Well everyone’s is fall. He said he doesn’t call it autumn because that is pretentious. Then he complained for one minute that it has been too hot in New York this fall. It has been too hot everywhere. This guy is a dip. If I had America’s attention for three minutes a week you can be sure I would spice it up a little more than that. It is time for Andy to step down and let me do it. My first commentary would be about how lame Andy got and how it was me that was responsible for getting him shit-canned.

Where Have You Been All My Life

I am new to cable. It has been a few years since I last had this service. I wanted it this year to watch some Monday Night Football games. But I have been happy to find out about all the other quality programming available to me. The cable was hooked up in August and since then some interesting trends have arisen:

1) Number of books checked out from the library: 0
2) Number of newspapers read: 0
3) Number of times I’ve watched E’s Girls Next Door program: 50+
4) Overall happiness level: Up an astonishing 77%

I Got Wheels

Well I still don’t have a car – but with my lady is in Chicago on business all week, so I got one right now. This morning I got to get up late, sit in traffic, and nearly kill myself playing with the radio whilst making an ill-advised lane change. I had forgotten how sweet it is to drive one’s self to work. I felt so alive (except when I almost died).

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Is First One Called In a Crisis

Hero of the Week

2007-10-10T18:39:00.000-06:00

This week we honor the mayor of Atlantic City, New Jersey. Mayor Bob Levy has gone into hiding, while the scandal that swirls around him deepens and swirls some more. He has not been seen in Atlantic City since September 26th. Levy is under investigation for lying about his role in Vietnam. He said he was a “hero” of some kind in Vietnam, but the Army believes he was just kind of loafing around over there. He is also facing corruption charges.

This guy Levy is a coward, and we at DFF love him for it. Good sir, you stay in hiding. Cling to your believe that hiding and ignoring your problems is the quickest way to solve them. For being our Hero of the Week, Mayor Levy will be receiving both a signed picture of me looking on helplessly while an old lady gets her Social Security check stolen, and a pack of nudy cards our last accountant left in her office. Congratulations Mayor Levy, you are this week’s Hero of the Week.

Movie Review

This week in the DFF Film Room we review “Into the Wild”. The film may or may not be in a theatre near you. It was in a theatre near me, so I saw it. So the movie tells the story about this young guy who just gets mad at everything. I mean he is mad at his parents, society, and his parents some more. But he doesn’t turn to drugs, booze or sexiness. He decides to just walk into the wild. I won’t tell you where he goes, what happens, or how much he suffers. Just know that this is a good movie. The movie makes you feel hopeful about the ability of nature to devour those foolish enough to make a production of testing it.

Garth Brooks Tickets

So I got in a real virtual shoving match trying to get some Garth Brooks tickets for early November (his first show in a decade!!!) at the new KC Sprint Center. You know Ticketmaster is a fickle mistress. I’m not going to tell you the outcome of this endeavor. I don’t want any of you breaking into my house looking for some tickets that I probably don’t even have. Just check back on November 9th and I will let you know if the thunder did or did not roll.

Olive Garden Makes a Delicious New Neighbor

In a never ending quest to fit nearly every single chain restaurant in a one mile area – my town has signed an agreement with the Olive Garden Corporation. Come next month I will be just one quarter of a mile from endless bowls of the most mediocre soup, pasta and breadsticks available in a suburb near you. This is great news, right? So why do I feel so hollow.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Fights City Hall, Knocks Block off Alderman Cox

Technical Difficulties

2007-10-09T21:15:00.000-06:00

So the technical difficulty is that I wrote this blog at lunch – and forgot to email it to myself. Check back Wednesday evening for the latest update on all the lame stuff I’m doing.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Faces Demons, Demons Look Like Sean Penn

Women Attacked By Own Pitbulls

2007-10-04T20:41:00.000-06:00

A lady in Jacksonville, Florida was killed this morning when her two Pitbulls, Flossy and Bubbles, just went crazy on her. They actually attacked her son as well. The son had gone outside to try and pull the dogs off his mother. The third son, smart enough to stay out of the yard, called 9-1-1 and reported the problem. DFF tried to reach the Flossy and Bubbles for comment – but they had already been shot dead by the cops.

The incident highlights the danger of owning what veterinarians call a “bad dog”. Our staff veterinarian Dr. Roberta Shirttails (kept on retainer for our office cat Barbara) sat down with us to talk about the increase in pitbull attacks. Dr. Roberta informed us that pitbull attacks have been inching up steadily for decades. The dogs are now increasingly turning their anger outward, toward an unsuspecting and largely fat and immobile public. As Americans have continued to pack on the pounds, pitbulls have been increasingly successful at catching and devouring them.

Pitbull owners also face significant challenges, caused mainly by a startling lack of intelligence. Owners of pitbulls foolishly believe their pitbull(s) to be “little sweethearts” or “adorable bitches”. This can lull the pitbull owner into a false sense of security. This is a little bit like sleeping with a bag of trash, eventually you wrinkle your nose at the smell. Pitbull attacks on their owners are not only physically damaging, but also emotionally damaging. The owner can feel betrayed that a dog they bought to attack a neighbor or kill their mother has in fact shredded their own limbs. The period of emotional recovery is often a much longer road then the accompanying reconstructive surgery.

Those raising both pitbulls and children face an even greater risk. Many children are tiny, leaving them eye-to-eye with the family pitbull(s). The low self-esteem of the animals is often challenged by the direct eye contact with the child. Dr. Roberta reported that pitbulls view eye contact as a sign that the child “has decided it wants its ass chewed”. Children are often not very bright, and always pokey. This leaves them vulnerable in those first few seconds when a pitbull or group of pitbulls has deiced to “rip them a new one”.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Will Consider Interesting Trades

This Is My Lunchroom Now!

2007-10-02T20:24:00.000-06:00

Today I had a fantasy which made me LOL (as all the cool people say). Get your mind out of the gutter – this is a family style blog. As I heated up my leftovers in the company microwave I thought to myself what the ramifications might be if I decided to start dominating the lunchroom, start really throwing my weight around in there. You know, became a lunchroom bully. My plan would include:

1) Eating the lunches of others directly in front of them (i.e., stealing food and then acting like they are crazy for suggesting I both took it and am eating it right in front of them)
2) Going to the microwave, finding it occupied – and then just taking out whatever is in there and throwing it on the floor
3) Placing name cards on all six tables – the names would be those of long dead rock legends. If anyone tried to sit there I would say “excuse me, are you Jimi Hendrix, yeah I didn’t think so”
4) Insulting people’s reading material – “another Harlequin romance novel Phyllis, god you are an idiot”

That is as far as I got with that.

Heart Goes Bang, Box Goes Bang
So I am riding my bus yesterday morning and listening to some tunes on the new Rhapsody MP3 player, can’t plug that thing enough. Well all of the sudden I see this old feller slide nearly out of his seat. Well then all hell broke loose. Everyone starts screaming “call 9-1-1, this guy might be dying”. So the bus driver whips the bus off the interstate and into the emergency lane. Now the bus driver is yelling at all of us not to panic because everyone is about to have a shit fit. Well I am about three feet away from a very sick man. How could anyone remain calm? If ever I needed one of those TV slaps to the face, well it was right then (I also would have liked to slap someone). So lucky for us we had a nurse on board. She starts taking charge; she is demanding bottled water so she can get the heart attack guy cooled down (he was very sweaty). The guy is completely out of it. The nurse is yelling at him to “stay with us”. So he does, long enough for the ambulance to arrive and escort him from the bus. I have never seen anyone on the bus almost die before, so I was pretty shaken up. I was only ten minutes late to work though.

Yesterday was also pretty cool because an electrical box across the hall from my office exploded. It was the loudest indoor noise I have ever heard. It was like having a car backfire in a backpack you were carrying, if the car were tiny and capable of producing a backfire. Whatever, it was loud. I was clacking away at my computer and I just about hit the drop ceiling. So as soon as the explosion occurred the power went off. I am a doomsday person, so I just assumed the nation’s power grid had been attacked. Boy was I relieved to learn that the problem was isolated to only one small room with 6 cubicles in it. That was a close one.
By the time I got home yesterday I just wanted to crawl under a blanket and hide. I survived a couple of real tragedies. For that I should be applauded.

What’s Up with the Weather?
Frequently here at DFF we site the weather as the main cause of our frequent fits of depression. My wife thinks it is a little silly that the weather has such an impact on me. I actually believe myself to be more closely in tuned to these things then the average person. In my last life I may have been a farmer. I can just picture myself standing proudly in a field of corn, licked finger stuck in the air to detect precipitation, wife standing proudly on our front porch echoing that the mashed potatoes are getting cold. Oh yes, it has been unseasonably warm, actually kind of hot for September and October. The pessimist in me thinks this is global warming coming home to roost. The optimist in me thinks the pessimist in me is acting like kind of boner. Currently the pessimist has the optimist in an all out chokehold, pinned to the ground and begging for sweet mercy.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Gets Egg on Face at Annual Eggs Convention

Doodle for Review

2007-09-27T20:10:00.001-06:00

That picture on the right is a doodle from my drawing class Monday night. I got a request to take a picture of my work and post it. God, I can't beleive I am saying this - DFF is an artist. I think my pencil marks show a lot of passion and also a complete lack of ability to draw the person who sat for this here "self-portrait". I will keep my day job.

Quote of the Week II

“American just suck the fun right out of everything, they just ruin everything joyful”

I heard this comment today on NPR by a lady that called in to protest that her poodle is not allowed in her neighborhood grocery store. The topic was the places that a dog should or should not be allowed to go. A lot of folks want to move to the European style of dog ownership. These means pooches in cafes, grocery stores and all up in your Gap. Makes me think of some dudes rottweiler biting my ankle while I try on khakis. But I think the more important part of that quote is the interesting question it raises about our sense of fun in this country. Why do we suck the joy out of everything? I think it is true, but I don’t know the answer as to why. I guess maybe it resides somewhere deep in our puritan ethos, meaning we can’t stand to see other people having a good time because we are so goddamn miserable ourselves. Uh that does make sense. Makes me a little patriotic.

Drop In Home Prices

So the sub-prime mortgage bubble has just burst all over our fat American faces. I have been eerily silent on the mortgage meltdown crisis. Many of you have asked the Fryer how his own home has been holding up during this difficult period in our country’s real estate market. Has it lost value you ponder? Well the Fryer is proud to report that him and his lady bought their 3 bedroom split level at the very tippy-top of the market. Needless to say they will be staying in this home for a very, very, very long time.

Technology Weekly

New feature here at DFF – taking a look at outdated technology in my house. This week we take a look at how my family records its favorite television programs while they are out doing stuff. I’ll goddamn tell you how we do it. We use a flipping VCR. Have you tried to buy video tapes lately? I had to ask the salesperson at Sears if they had any tapes for my VCR. He looked at me like I had crab claws for hands and donkey ass in place of my real ass.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Cancels Cruise To Myanmar

Most Improved Doodler

2007-09-25T20:57:00.000-06:00

Um, not a lot of time. I just got home from drawing class. It is quite late and I am quite proud of myself. Even though it has only been three classes, it is not to early to declare myself “most improved” in the class. We have this tradition in the class where after we draw something we go around take a look at what everyone else did. So tonight we had to draw our own shoe. You should have seen just how shitty some people drew their shoes. It was a real crapfest. In the interest of being interestingly honest – I had to draw a jug tonight and it was horrendous. It looked kind of like the great state of Florida. To be fair, it was late and my ass hurt from sitting on a drawing stool for three hours.

Update on My New Rhapsody MP3 Player

…it is still awesome.

George Bush Doesn’t Know Stuff

I got a little mad today when I heard Bush refer to Myanmar as “Burma”. Burma is so twentieth century. Everyone knows they totally changed their name. Why do his advisors continually let him not know stuff? It makes us all seem stupid when our leader can’t keep up with country name changes. Just knowing the names of all the countries should be the bare minimum for being President.

Quote of the Week

"Is it not high time for these powers to return from the path of arrogance and obedience to Satan to the path of faith in God?"

That was Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad speaking to the United Nations on Tuesday. I understand wanting to be taken seriously. That is fine. No one is saying Iran is not a really scary country. It is. In that way Ahmadinejad is already a very successful leader. Just a word of caution though, Mr. Ahmadinejad. You need to start reeling in your use of the term “Satan” in your speeches. Now I understand that referring to your enemies as somehow related to “Satan” has a certain ring to it. I myself have done it – hell, we all have. But I would just hold back a little, especially when speaking to the United Nations. They don’t want to hear your thoughts on Satan, and who is doing what for Satan. It makes you seem crazy. No one is saying you can’t talk about Satan – just know the appropriate time and place.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Reaches New Low at Limbo Contest

Airline Passengers Get What They Deserve?

2007-09-20T19:03:00.000-06:00

The U.S. House of Representatives approved “landmark” legislation on Thursday, passing a bill that will provide protections for passengers stranded on long flight delays, locked in airplanes, etc. It would give them a little food, a little water, and some other goodies too. The plan is intended to make sure that all these crumby airline passengers get some legal protections when they are delayed. I’m going to level with you here. Yours truly has worked for the airlines, two of them in fact. The worst part of working for the airlines was, you guessed it, the passengers. The six weeks I spent behind the ticket counter for Untied Airlines were the worst of my life, and I have had some shitty weeks (recovery from a shattered femur, the week my sixth grade bully kept threatening to kill me for some reason, etc, etc, etc). The basic fact of the matter is that airline passengers don’t deserve rights. They are horrible. They don’t even deserve seats. If I were in Congress I would filibuster this bill, and I would stand up at that podium and talk about how shitty airline passengers are, how they are the assholes of the universe. I would talk about how old, useless and stupid they are. Uh, the worst airline passenger is the business traveler. What a bunch of pompous $%^’s those guys are.

Me In Drawing Class

I am taking one of the communivesity drawing classes every Monday night. Last time we drew little houses and cartoon frogs. I love it. I am a budding artist. There is a real ugly 60+ year-old woman in my class who looks just like me. It is uncanny. Just imagine me as a whinny, post-menopausal woman of heavyset proportions (is it really that much of a stretch?).

Federal Reserve

I heard an interview on NPR the other day with former Chairman of the Federal Reserve Alan Greenspan. I found him fascinating, if not a little defensive. He is catching a little shit these days for the meltdown in the housing industry. This is a little ridiculous. The last time I checked (never) the Chairman’s job isn’t to help Tina and Dudley decide if they should or shouldn’t lock in a low introductory teaser rate on a doublewide, which oh-by-the-way resets to a 25% interest rate after one year. Do you really want the Chairman of the Federal Reserve standing over those two, shaking his head as they doom themselves to a life of financial ruin? Well do you? Let’s lay off Greenspan for a minute.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Gets Gift of Gab, Little Else

Tuna People

2007-09-18T20:50:00.000-06:00

You people who are bringing tuna for your lunch, correction, you people who are assembling tuna sandwiches at lunch, listen up. It stinks, it stinks bad. You need to figure out a way to build that tuna sandwich before you get to work. By popping the top on a can of Chunky Light you are subjecting all of us to your disgustingness. You leave a little stank tuna cloud in the lunchroom, which WILL NOT dissipate (despite my arm waving and complaining). You need to go to your car or the restroom to put your nasty-ass tuna sandwich together. You go outside with the smokers and spread that tuna there. You horrify me. Why does it have to be tuna anyway? What is wrong with turkey or bologna? Bologna got a bad rap, it’s good. Why not buy a pack of chicken breasts, sauté them bitches and bring that to work? Just lay off the $%& tuna. You stink, literally and figuratively.

Football

Well I have just completed week 2 of the NFL season. So far I have watched 1,853 commercials, most of which involve beer swigging average Joe’s and fun-lovin ladies. I saw so many commercials while watching the Chiefs-Bears game that I had to find a back-up television program to watch during the commercials (Mama’s Family re-runs). I got all these ad images in my head. According to the NFL I should be finding out what my stock broker is doing for me, and getting a babe to sprawl across the hood of my Hummer. How about if I just call the Savings and Loan and find out the balance on my money market? I’ll also see if I can get my wife to just kind of lean on my non-running Toyota Corolla. I don’t think that is what the NFL has in mind.

New Fast-food Restaurant

In this day and age it can be difficult to find a new fast food restaurant to get excited about. So much of our attention is focused on our Burger King, McDonald’s, and Wendy’s. Guess what my wife and I found last night by complete accident? I will give you a minute…the first Chick-fil-A in Kansas City. Chick-fil-A is an east coast based fast food restaurant that yours truly grew up eating (yes I was of the husky size). I spotted it and before my wife even knew what was happening I had whupped the car right off the road and into the drive-thru. We got some fries and they were delicious. We fought over them like hungry dawgs. I think it just opened – it was pretty new and very crowded. It is in the parking lot at that mall where all them people got shot at the Target last April. Everything in Kansas City can be found by simply referencing the most horrific crime that took place nearby. Looking for the art museum, it is right near where that family of circus clowns got hacked up last Christmas. Want to know where the baseball stadium is, try right across from where that guy put that kindergarten class in the wood chipper two years ago. It’s a hell of a town! We got a lot murderin’ – but now also a Chick-fil-A.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Has Whale of a Time at Annual Whale Fest

Lack of Attention Span Crippling

2007-09-13T17:57:00.000-06:00

I never thought being an adult would require so much of my attention. Everything is so critical, you’ve really got to pay attention to a lot of different stuff. Examples include (but are not limited to): paying attention to your job, family, house, car, finances. All of those categories have sub-layers of things to pay attention to. For example: house – pay attention to roof, termites, prowlers, shrubs, smoke detectors, etc. Let’s take family as another example: family – pay attention to accusations, feuds, buying gifts, taking gifts back, alienating, forgiveness, etc. If you did this exercise for all of the things in life there are to worry about, well you would have at least 100 million things to pay attention to. I’m just surprised about all the attention, that’s all.

On the Homefront (cue the patriotic fervor music)

The DFF site has launched a new feature on the War on/in/with Iraq. We want to take a look at how the war is impacting those Americans who are wholly uninterested in the conflict. This is a segment of the population that is underserved by the mainstream media, who are a bunch of White House ass-kissers by the way (insert kissy-kiss noise). So we asked me how I feel about the war – nearly five years into this puppy.

Me: How do you feel about the war nearly five years into this puppy?
Me again: Well as you know I didn’t support this war from the beginning. After it started to go badly I lost complete interest.
Me: Well would you be interested in another war?
Me again: In general I think Venezuela has a lot of 'tude these days. Their leader Hugo Chavez is a real mess.
Me: So you want to attack Venezuela?
Me again: Oh heavens no! I believe in passivism. Military aggression never fixed anything.
Me: You are insufferable.
Me again: You too mister.

Airline Dress Code

Two stories have appeared in the headlines recently about ladies getting on airplanes wearing scant nothing. These women flaunt what they got, and want the flying public to understand just what it is they got, and what they are bringing onboard. As a country it might be wise to ask ourselves where this is coming from. What has happened to our decency? Fifty year ago just showing a little ankle would have got you branded a flirt. Why do these ladies feel 116 other passengers need a full-blown peep show on a 45 minute flight from Hooverville to Lake Winnytonky? I think it is because we are a culture that subscribes to what I call “sexy mindedness”. We think we are all a bunch of sexy people – just doing something sexy every minute. Sexy, sexy, sexy. Well people, not everything requires sexiness. Flying ain’t sexy. Put on a shirt, pants, knee length skirt, some shoes, hosiery, classy earrings, a face of sensible makeup, etc. You don’t got to be looking all sexed-up sitting between two fat people in a cramped jet. Just don’t be sexy for one minute. Once you hit the ground you can rip open your shirt, grab the Daisy Duke’s out of your handbag and hit the discothèque or beach party. It is too much to ask that little Johnny or an even littler Suzy shouldn’t have to ask their parental figure why that person across the aisle sipping a ginger ale is nearly butt naked. Get some class America, get some class.

Kansas City Man Puts Days of Chubby-Chasing Behind Him

2007 Football Season Already A Bust

2007-09-10T18:45:00.000-06:00

Well the 2007 football season kicked off on Sunday. As usual both of the teams I cheer for are already out of the playoffs. Two teams – no touchdowns. Way to go Tampa Bay Buccaneers and Kansas City Chiefs. Thanks for nothing. It is mathematically impossible that I could root for two teams that never score touchdowns. I was born under a bad sign.

Funny Thing I Saw Last Week

….a high-level director in my organization air-punching to the tune of “Baby Got Back” by Sir Mixalot while working out w/a personal trainer in my company gym last week.

9/11 Anniversary

Tuesday marks the 6th anniversary of the terror attacks in NY, D.C., and Pennsylvania. Our politicians have twisted the day for political gain, launched a war over it, reshaped, repackaged and used it against us. Where is Lee Greenwood when you need his ass? And I'm proud to be an...

Weekend Wrap-Up

1) Watched the Chiefs got ripped by the normally shitless and hopeless Houston Texans
2) Fought with a huge and possibly poisonous spider. The spider had built a huge nest outside our bedroom window. The wife got pretty upset on account of it looking in at us. So I flung him with a broom – while my wife looked on adorningly.
3) I got a new MP3 player. May I recommend the Rhapsody music player? Very affordable, even for a poor SOB like myself. The music service is subscription based and very easy to use. I am not good with technology – so I was surprised to find out I didn’t have to be. Just get it.

Shame On Larry Craig

Embattled Idaho Senator Larry Craig is planning to withdraw his guilty plea, stemming from his arrest in a Minneapolis airport. The misunderstanding is that Craig is a bathroom stall ankle-grabber. Nothing confusing about that. Craig simply looks for cheap thrills by reaching under bathroom stalls and grabbing hairy, manly ankles. I am not sure of all the legal terms or how Craig is going to get his guilty plea reversed. All I know is that I am not giving him anymore time on the Deep Fat Fryer site. As far a I am concerned Craig is just another Republican who gets his jollies by grabbing ankles in airport bathrooms.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Outlasts Wife at All-You-Can-Eat Buffet

Holiday Weekend Over, Life of Car As Well

2007-09-04T17:56:00.000-06:00

The big news around my house this weekend was the long feared death of my beloved, Tammy. Tammy is my 1993 Toyota Corolla. On my way out of the driveway on Friday morning the car made one final gurgle, and then croaked as I acted quickly to stop us from rolling into the street and plowing into a group of helpless school children. I had her ass towed to the auto repair place. The verdict was that the car needed about $500 worth of work. This was just to return it to the shitty state it was in before it wouldn’t run. It was to steep a price to pay. I feel a little like I did when I put my cat to sleep several years ago (or what it might be like to yank the plug on an elderly). I am kind of relieved, but I also feel I should have done more. Either way, Tammy is moving on to that big junkyard in the sky.

It has been a good ride for me and Tammy. That is not entirely true. It has been quite bumpy actually. Along with a lack of shocks, the car was also a constant reminder that I got utterly bamboozled when I purchased it six years ago. The good folks at Karmax (named changed to avoid lawsuit) ripped Deep Fat Fryer off something fierce. I was vulnerable after the death of my last car and quite taken advantage of by a smooth talking salesperson with an interest rate that would make a bookie blush.

What you need to know about me now is that I am without a car. I am entirely reliant on public transportation, my bicycle, my chicken legs, and my wife to get me where I need to go (Starbucks). This isn’t good. I am going to try living without a car for a month and see what that gets me. Today I was twenty minutes late for work – so I am not off to a great start.

So now I have to tow my car back home to my driveway so I can donate its ass to a charity for the blind. This will cost me fifty bucks because the American Automobile Association (AAA) is a bunch of blood sucking scum suckers. They refuse to tow the same car twice "for one incident". At least I will get a small tax deduction, and the satisfaction that I helped a blindy get behind the wheel.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Flying Flag at Half-Mass

Happy Labor Day!

2007-08-30T19:03:00.000-06:00

No, it is not quite Labor Day. But yours truly did take a half-day on Thursday to go to the DMV. I also went to the foot doctor for some kick ass shoe inserts. My right leg is severely shorter than the left one. This means I lean to the side when something isn’t wedged up under my right foot. So each time I get a new pair of shoes I take them into the orthopedist and he glues two inches of foam to the inside of my right shoe. This allows me to stand upright, instead of just falling over.

My DMV visit was fairly uneventful. I had to register my car for yet another year of crappy driving. Of note, I did have egg on my face when informed that the DMV does not accept debit or credit cards (because at the DMV it is always 1979). To illustrate this point they were also playing really horrible 70’s rock music over the intercom.

Other big news – I am picking up a not-so-new couch on Monday. I stalked craiglist.com for a few weeks until I found the one I wanted. My wife and I have been remodeling our basement. A gently used couch will be the centerpiece. Even I am shocked by the sheer niceness of the basement. It is funny what paint can do. I have a couple of small things to do – but I’m nearly there. My wife has been somewhat of a reluctant participant in the basement remodel, believing there is no end to my need to improve our home. I disagree (but she is right). Some gene deep inside me has turned on. I can’t turn it off now. All I see when I looked around is things that need to be sanded, painted, sealed, caulked, blasted, buffed, landscaped, or chopped down. My sister is the same way. I think we got a lot of nervous energy.

What Would Jesus Do?

I would be doing the blog a disservice if I did not mention embattled Idaho Senator Larry Craig. By now we all know Craig was stalking around the Minneapolis airport looking for some dude-love. He denies this. But from what I’ve heard he reached under a bathroom stall and grabbed a dude’s ankle. That is pretty damning. Should Craig resign? I don’t know, let’s ask God. I’ll give it a call right now (insert dialing noise)...

Heavenly Secretary: This is Heaven. How can I help you?
Mr. Fryer: Hi, can you put me through to God.
Heavenly Secretary: What is this regarding?
Mr. Fryer: I want to ask God about Larry Craig.
Heavenly Secretary: God doesn’t have time for that shit. Go fuck a fig.

Goodnight

Well I am going for a run. Since I got my new insert in my shoe today so I can finally try out the new running shoes I purchased several weeks ago. Eat my dust bitches!

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Glad To Be Back Too, Appreciate Sentiments

Heat Rash Worsens

2007-08-28T20:33:00.000-06:00

Toward the end of summer I begin to get wildly impatient with the relentless heat of Kansas City. Much like our BBQ sauce (and guns), it is smoking hot. I myself have always hated the destructive power of Kansas City heat. It is like a crying baby, relentless in its quest to make everyone uncomfortable. First it kills your grass, then your soul. The long and short of it is that I need summer to be over before I go bananas. I have developed some peculiar personality traits this long, hot summer. One is that I now take the weather personally. Like some forlorn farmer, I believe the sky is out to get me (I’m going to lose the whole dang sorghum crop). I shake my fist in anger. Each day with no precipitation, each heat index over 100 turns me further into a grumbling shell of my former self. I angrily tune in to the local news every night, eagerly anticipating tomorrow’s forecast. And even though I spend an average of only 4 ½ minutes a day outdoors, still I cry. If the heat doesn’t end soon I will have no choice but to raindance in my driveway.

Lipstick on a Pig

One of our favorite expressions here at DFF is that old adage about the futility of putting lipstick on a pig. The saying goes “that is like putting lipstick on a pig”. The expression is not meant to be taken literally (but with America’s obesity rate skyrocketing you can rest assured that somewhere out there a bigger gal is caking on a tube of Estee Lauder’s finest). I digress. The expression is so great not just because of the image it conveys, but also for the message it sends. Too many times in our daily lives we try to make something nice out of something that is clearly not nice. Don’t try and make your crappy life better by insisting you are fine with it. Don’t put lipstick on your life. Take a lesson from an actual pig, use your hoofs to fling shit on the porker next to you.

Not Taken Advantage Of

Today marks a milestone. This morning I dropped my car off at the auto mechanic for a state mandated inspection and an oil change. Four hours later I received a phone call from this place that my car was ready for pick-up. What is unusual is that in the time between when I dropped off the car and when they called me nothing else went wrong with the car. Normally dropping my junky car off at mechanic for any reason gets me four our five of the following phone calls:

Mechanic: Mr. Fryer, are you aware that one of your tires is sittin’ in the backseat?
Mr. Fryer: Well, they were all attached when I dropped it off this morning.
Mechanic: Well this one ain’t attached no more. You want us put that back on for you?
Mr. Fryer: Can the car be driven without all four tires?
Mechanic: I wouldn’t recommend it.
Mr. Fryer: I guess put it back on. How much does that cost?
Mechanic: I can put that back on for $212, with tax.
Mr. Fryer: That would be great, thank you so much!!

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Investing Heavily In Tortilla Futures

Dog Days of Summer, Bark!!!

2007-08-23T20:52:00.000-06:00

My new job is going well. Though I guess the newness is wearing off a bit. I am at nearly three months now. I have been running a lot of meetings, which I have never done before. I am learning to project my voice in a sort of manly, booming, and authoritative way. I've never felt more powerful (or like God). Last week I got to take a group of landscaping vendors on a tour of bus stops around the city (for a landscaping contract we have out for bid). I got to say things like "on your right is a bus stop, you will need to landscape that" and “look to your left, there is a bus stop you will need to landscape.”

Reclaiming Sunday’s

Ladies it is the time of year you have been dreading – it is nearly football season again. Very shortly the sound of a million beer commercials will fill your living room, bedroom, and garage. It has been a long time since the Super Bowl in February. I have spent a lot of Sunday’s doing what the wife wants to do – w/no excuse of a football game to get me out of it. Well that time is over, at least until February of 2008. If you need me I will be on the couch, and come hell or high-water I ain’t movin’.

News You Can’t Use

Many of you have contacted me with questions about the mining accident in Utah. You want to know what I think of mine safety. You ask how I would do it differently. You’re curious as to my own experience digging for coal. Well I don’t have any experience. But I did hear a story this week that a mine collapsed in China killing 180 miners. That is a lot of dead miners, even for a deadly mining accident. This observation alone qualifies me as an expert. So I say we must protect the men and ladies hallowing out majestic mountains all over this great land. Write a congressman.

Dream Analysis Expert Added, Fired

In an effort to stay competitive in the blog world, DFF added a dream analysis expert to our staff. We hoped this would encourage reader participation, and bring in desperately needed advertising revenue. Brenda ended up being more combative than I could have ever imagined. We let her go last week. So stop emailing me with your dream questions. There is no one here who can answer them.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Seen Spilling Coffee, Icing Crotch

Up and Running

2007-08-21T05:33:00.000-06:00

The Deep Fat Fryer is back in business. We have settled twelve out of fourteen lawsuits – and that ain’t bad. The lights are back on, our janitorial crew has been recalled from Nicaragua, and the coffeemaker is percolating. I have never been angrier, truly all is right with the world. Let’s get started.

Things I Am the Maddest At

1) Britney Spears – Why are networks reporting her every move like she is a hurricane or stock market? She ain’t news.
2) Hot Air – I need it to be a little hotter. 103 isn’t hot enough. Oh wait, add the maximum amount of humidity and gusty winds. Now I am satisfied.
3) Local TV news personalities – It hasn’t rained since Memorial Day and they are praying the rain holds off just one more day so the 4th Annual Lasagna Festival can go off without a hitch. How about it just rains when it rains and you just shut your trap.
4) Atlanta Falcon QB Michael Vick – This dog killer is dominating coverage of the NFL. He is not even playing football. He is awaiting his trial for killing dogs. I don’t associate killing dogs with the NFL. Why is he the only thing being covered in sports publications? This guy is a dog killer, a dog killer. Each time I tune in to hear the latest news about my football team I just hear more gruesome details about dog killing. I know more about dog killing than I did two months ago and I am not happy about it.
5) Seasonal Decorations – Last week I saw both Christmas and Halloween decorations in the store. Um, it is still the middle of August. I am still sweating from walking to the mailbox. The last thing I want to think about is putting on my Halloween outfit or Santa hat and buying gifts for people who have disappointed me all damn year. If I were president I would pass a law that seasonal crap couldn’t appear in stores until five days before the stupid event. If anyone complained I’ll simply cancel the holiday and act real disappointed in everyone.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Not As Manly As Before Spider Bite

2007-07-10T21:47:00.000-06:00

Travel is one of the greatest joys a person can have. There is nothing quite like packing your suitcase and setting off to a vacation destination more exotic and interesting than your own backyard. My own backyard would definitely make for a poor vacation spot. Due to my negligence much of our backyard could be termed The Ankle-Breaker Ranch. In one step the terrain dips low and then in another it juts back into the air. During heavy rains lakes form in the dips and create watery housing units for mosquito families. But that is why we go on vacation, to forget about our mosquito bites and broken ankles.

I never thought I would be someone who would actually get to go on a vacation. I just never figured I would have the financial wherewithal to actually travel more than 20 minutes outside of my living room. My college major had been chosen w/all the care of someone picking out windshield wiper fluid. I just assumed a B.A. in History would prove rather un-lucrative. In college travel for me had meant shopping at the Wal-Mart across town, instead of the one right outside my door.

The geography of Kansas City would make one think God created it on the cheap, and with little imagination. Picture God: It is 200 billion years ago, he is locked in his den planning our Earth. He is clearly pooped from having just carved out Alaska. His assistant Cordero reminds him that he has left a very small hole in the middle of North America. God sighs and determines it would just be easier to finish it now, rather than drag this thing into a seventh day and have it ruin his Sunday too. He begins to draw up a wild landscape – but Cordero reminds him the entire project is so far over budget it is not even funny. God erases the mountains, the volcano, the waterfall, and even a tiny peninsula that if you squint kind of looks like the future Britney Spears. What is left is eraser shavings and a very exasperated God.

The city was provided no mountains, hills, oceans, deserts, caves, bluffs, valleys, lookouts, tunnels or forests. We do have a single river, the Missouri, with its lazy, tepid, trek through the heart of the city. I have never developed the affinity for the Missouri River that I did for Tampa Bay in the years I lived in Tampa. In some cities the landscape becomes such a part of the city that the two are almost inseparable. What would San Francisco be without the Bay? How could Chicago survive without Lake Michigan? Would anyone recognize Seattle without Mt. Rainer looming over its shoulder?

Kansas City is astonishingly free of these types of natural wonders. That is not to say that Kansas City is void of all splendors. In the autumn the city shakes off the toasted brown foliage of late summer and morphs into a sky of reds, oranges and yellows. In the spring it gives birth to vivid blooms of pink and white flowers. But for the most part the landscape is unimaginative.

Despite the dearth of an interesting topography my wife and I did choose to stay here. It is a remarkably easy and comfortable place to live. We find this out all over again every time we travel. The joy of traveling is second only to the joy of returning.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Can't Learn Spanish Without Hugs

Happy 4th of July

2007-07-02T20:43:00.001-06:00

Check back next week for all new episodes. I am going on assignment to the National Baby Booty Museum in Vittles, North Dakota. See you on Monday!

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Survives Flapjack Fiasco

Will Work For i-Phone

2007-07-01T20:52:00.000-06:00

So this weekend was the coming out party for the latest technology that will change our pathetic lives into something much fuller and juicer – the iPhone. The iPhone just might do that. The televisions is telling me this. I must admit that more than once on Friday I thought about making a lightning quick withdraw from the ATM and getting me an iPhone (or thieving it from someone who already had one). I thought it would have been awesome to walk into work on Monday and show all them suckas that I had $600 laying around for a new telephone. My wife would have been furious though, but only until I showed her the device. At that time she would have said something along the lines of “baby, I am so glad you treated yourself to such an extravagant new toy.” But I really decided that I will just wait a few more months.

Make A 4th of July to Remember

Planning a huge 4th of July blowout party for all your homeboys this Wednesday? Deep Fat Fryer is here to help. We interviewed reputable party planner Dotty VanOtty to give us a few tips on how to make your 4th of July bash really special this year.

Deep Fat Fryer (DFF): Hi Dotty.
Dotty VanOtty (DVO): Hi DFF, thank you for having me. I am SO excited to be here. I am a huge fan of the blog, and my kids just love the new DFF cereal.
DFF: We are SO happy you are here (blushing). Let me start by asking what the most important element of planning a 4th of July party is?
DVO: First you need to sit down and create a list of invitees. Choose people whom you know and whose company you enjoy. You will...
DFF: Dotty let me stop you for a minute. This list – is something that should be made electronically?
DVO: It doesn’t particularly matter if it is electronic or not. You just need to come up with a guest list. Make sure and...
DFF: And these are people I already know?
DVO: I don’t understand. Yes they are people you know. So after you create your list...
DFF: You know I have to stop you again. How many people should be on the list?
DVO: Alright. In the party planning business we call this knowing your “party capacity”. You want to make sure not to include so many people that you can’t handle it. I once planned an event for…
DFF: What about food? How will I know how much food to buy?
DVO: I don’t understand why you keep interrupting me. You buy enough food to feed the amount of people you have invited. Why are you...
DFF: I am sorry, and I hope this isn’t rude – but what are your credentials as a party planner?
DVO: Excuse me! I have over 25 years experience planning top-drawer events in and around the Cleveland metro area. What are your credentials as a writer?
DFF: Ms. VanOther I think this interview is over!
DVO: Mr. Fryer I think this interview is over!
DFF: Oh, oh, and you should know they recalled that cereal. It causes pneumonia in the weak!

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Glad to Put Monday Behind Him

100th Anniversary Extravaganza and Party Time Blog Post

2007-06-28T20:20:00.000-06:00

Today is a monumental day in the short history of the Deep Fat Fryer Blog. Today marks our 100th posting. That means that 100 times over the last six months we have written material and that material has subsequently been viewed by people that are not just me.

So many memories – so many memories. Actually I couldn’t even come up with a single memory. And I really, really thought about it. I did have a memory of sobbing at my desk a few months ago – and then I remembered my grandfather was a racist and something funny could be done about that (Traumatic Childhood Memory #345, 3/20/07).

To be frank this also marks the longest I have ever stuck with anything. If I had my own personal crest it would as follows: me walking away with my arms thrown up in the air. This is to say that I am a HUGE quitter. I like quitting. I am really good at it. But the blog has allowed me to change that personal behavior. And that is a good thing.

What does the future hold for the Deep Fat Fryer? Well at some point we need to get our act together and buy ourselves “thedeepfatfryer.com” web address. We are also hoping to introduce a line of high quality kitchen gadgets…and also adult themed religious gadgets.

Sweaty
Tonight I wanted to step-off of the treadmill and shake myself out like a dog just out of the bath.
Ghost of Christmas Crappy
Remember a couple of Christmas seasons ago when everyone got everyone jelly beans. People would go “giggle, these ones taste like a chili pepper” – what was up with that shit? No it doesn’t taste like a chili pepper, now take it back and get me a real gift.

Have a great weekend. See you Monday.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Uses Griddle to Cook Up Pancakes, Laughs

Office Drone Sees Ray of Hope on Sourpuss Day

2007-06-27T20:32:00.000-06:00

Well not much going on today. It is a relativity cloudy, gloomy day. The kind of day that makes you just want to fake chest pains, leave work a few minutes early and go home and sit on the couch with a big cup of coffee and your complete lack of ambition. Ah, but I am not amongst the elite class of stay-at-home twenty-something’s. I am both extremely fortunate to have a job, and extremely unfortunate to need one so desperately. In many ways I have come to terms with my middle-classness. As a young fellow I dreamed of earning my fortune by piloting the controls of the Space shuttle Columbia. It has since been destroyed (that was a close one) – much like my dreams of being a high-flying astronaut.

In my late 20’s I have realized that space travel is out of my reach…but middle-management is closer than I think. Though I currently do not supervise anyone, in the future I look forward to a day when I can share any random thoughts with a captive audience of wage slaves. I will impart my wisdom on them with the heavy hand of fairness. I will listen to their problems, but also be kind of catty behind their back. I will be open to suggestions, but also be unwilling to make even the slightest change in my management style. I will delegate every possible task, but keep an image of near constant productivity. I will be understanding when my staff have personal issues, but also ridicule them when they try and tell me about them. I will treat my staff as my equals, but also let them know they aren’t even capable of licking my shoe. And those are my new dreams. They are dreams I believe are ripe for the pickin’.

Quote of the Week
“It appears that you’ve been shot.”

That from a nurse in a Miami hospital to a man who went to the emergency room seeking relief from severe head pain. His wife had accidentally shot him in the head whilst he slept. The man’s wife was thoughtful enough to flee the emergency room while her husband was being examined. She was later arrested on weapons charges, and also for being kind of a shitty wife.

Happy Birthday ATM!
The Automatic Teller Machine is celebrating its 40 birthday this month. The ATM is often credited with revolutionizing the way men pay for hookers. It has also grown to become the top kidnapping destination in America. It is estimated that every eight seconds an American is abducted and forced to withdraw up to $500 at gunpoint.

Full-Body Searches to Resume at Buccaneer Home Games
A federal appeals court ruled that the Tampa Bay Buccaneers can resume security pat-downs of fans entering Buccaneer home games. A Tampa man, Gordon Johnson, had sued the team – saying the searches violated his right to not be searched for no reason. Listen Gordie, just let this big fat guy move your goodies from left to right and then you can go watch the football game like everyone else. No need to raise a big fuss.

Viewer Feedback
We here at DFF pride ourselves on…er, well something I am sure. Oh gazpacho, we make a mean gazpacho. And we take reader relations very seriously. If there is anything you would like to see or something than can be improved – let us know. You won’t hurt my feelings. Shit flows down hill at DFF. Half my staff is drunk and the other half weren’t even hired (just kind of showed up one day). I’ll fire all their asses if I have to. Email adam2840@yahoo.com if you have anything on your mind.

Kansas City Man Still Moved By Baywatch Theme Song

Out of Ideas, DFF Turns to Old Standby

2007-06-26T21:52:00.000-06:00

I am a little short on ideas tonight. It is late…and frankly the “creative” part of my mind that spools out this mindless dribble has just plain turned itself off. I mean really. I thought of doing “a best of the DFF”. But I am kind of even to lazy to back over the past six months and pull off a couple of old bits.

Disease of the Week

This week we take a look at Lassa Fever, and it is a doozy of a whooper. Lassa originated in Western Africa sometime in the 1950’s. What Lassa really likes to do is get in a body and just go hog-wild on every organ it can. This bad boy is going after your kidneys, liver and spleen. At first you are going to have a very small fever. After a few days the small fever turns into a big fever, and then a big fever turns into wretched vomiting, chest pain and muscle soreness. Hold on people – this gets bad. If you ain’t treated by the time you are vomiting your brains you are in for even bigger surprises. Lassa is going after your hearing next. According to our resident physician nearly 25% of Lassa cases result in at least temporary deafness. You are not even going to be able to hear yourself vomiting (a blessing I suppose). How does one get infected with Lassa you ask? Well our research indicates it is primarily associated with rat shit (and touching or looking at people with Lassa).

Next Posting: Kansas City Man See Writing on Wall, But Can’t Read Spanish

Only 6-Months ‘Til Christmas…You’re Already Behind

2007-06-25T21:09:00.000-06:00

Christmas is six months from today. It is time to start seriously thinking about what you are going to ask the Santa for. This year Santa and I are going to get on the same page. We had a misunderstanding last year and I ended up with diddley-pooh. I got busy and got my list in a little late. Well Christmas morning came and there was just nothing under my tree. This year I didn’t fiddle-fart around. I have already mailed my list to the North Pole.

If you are on a budget this year – here are some simple tips to simplify the gift giving season. It is never too early!

1) Begin looking closely for reasons not to buy people gifts. Make a pack with yourself that once a friend or relative is put on your “naughty” list they are not coming off (not even if they apologize numerous times). By the time November rolls around you won’t have even a single gift to buy.
2) If you do buy gifts – don’t put a lot of thought or care into gift purchases. This is the criminal equivalent to “smash and grab” shopping. Just grab what is in front of you and slap some names on the shit later.
3) Shop the sales. You won’t believe what you’ll find – you won’t care what you’ll find.
4) Search your home for gifts that have already been purchased, such as cola or unopened Kleenex.
5) Stay close to home this year. Airfare has gotten outrageous. Use the funds you would have spent on visiting your family to purchase the things you need to be successful at your New Year’s resolution (sculpture making equipment, bowling ball, kazoos).

Finally Some Nice News About Americans…We Give To Charity

We here a lot these days about the “evil American” – burning huge amounts of gas in their SUV, throwing trash out the windows, trying to kill a bunny, etc. You name something bad and it has been said about us Yanks. We’ve been called fat, lazy, self-centered, unconcerned with the crisis in Farfur, stupid about the environment, obese, stupid about global politics, enormously huge, stupid about China, defensive, edgy, homophobic, mental, egomaniacal, dangerous, gun loving, butter loving, stupid about God, gassy, bad in bed, sweaty, kitten breathy….

Well the truth is all those things might just be true. But apparently we give to charity like nobody’s business. Americans shelled out nearly 300 billion dollars last year to charitable causes. This set a new record! I didn't give jack - so count me among the people who gave. So add flippin’ generous to the list I mentioned above. Also, add ultra churchy – because 30% of that went directly to Jesus oriented religious groups.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Doesn’t Care for Chicken Buckets

Free Six-Flags For Life

2007-06-21T21:12:00.000-06:00

....If You Give Up Your Feet

A 16 year-old in Louisville, Kentucky will no doubt be receiving free Six Flags tickets for life. The girl lost both of her feet while riding the “Superman Tower of Power” ride on Thursday. A cord on the ride snapped and quickly ran off with both of her feet. Claudette Cojuir, a spokesperson Six Flags North America relayed that it is the policy of Six Flags that no guests lose any of their feet – let alone both of them. Cojuir went on to say that she had spoken with the girl and “she had no hard feelings.”

Treadmills Can Kill

I got a complaint about the treadmills at my gym. They have this emergency pull string on them. If you accidentally touch it the treadmill jerks to a stop – throwing one off the treadmill like a bronco. If someone has an emergency and they have to stop the treadmill – well they probably don’t need to be thrown like that during their emergency. Imagine if you were having a heart attack and you pulled that – and it just threw you off the treadmill and onto the ground like trash. That is insult to injury.

Continental Serves Up Cheap Coffee, Excrement

This is my favorite story of the day….A Continental flight from Amsterdam to Newark experienced a catastrophic sewage overflow. Passengers on the flight described sitting next to raw human waste for hours. One passenger reported feeling “abused and neglected.” This man wins the prize for biggest drama queen on an international flight. Abused and neglected? Get a grip fella. The passengers all received $500 travel vouchers for future Continental travel. I don’t know what it says about me, but I would totally sit next to shit if I got free airfare. I have very aggressive travel goals.

First Day of Summer - The Air Conditioner Is On

Well it had to happen sometime. The air conditioner in our house was finally turned on – probably for good. Things are really sizzling now in Kansas City. I have turned into my usual summer sweaty self. It doesn’t help that I have to wear a shirt and tie to work everyday. By the time I get to work (or home from work) I look pretty grim. It kind of reminds me of when people leave their dog outside all day in the heat. The dog ends up looking kind of sick and out of its mind. That is pretty much me each afternoon on my way home from work. You would be surprised just how hot a city bus can get.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Hauls Off Big Prizes At Company Picnic

Introducing Cocky

2007-06-20T20:33:00.000-06:00

We have a new feature here at DFF. We have enlisted the help of nature’s most wretched creature – the cockroach. He will be here every Thursday to answer your questions. We call this segment…Ask Cocky.

Our first question is from a roach in Grand Rapids, Michigan.

Dear Cocky, I have been thinking about relocating. Which do you prefer – the bathtub drain or the kitchen sink? Thanks, Dave

Hi Dave, Listen up, it is six of one – half dozen of the other. If your in the kitchen you know your going to get a good meal. Try and find a family with a binge eater. They tend to leave huge messes after midnight. If you like the cool dampness of a bathroom then stay close to a main tub drain. Avoid early mornings, when Americans tend to do most of their bathing. Good luck!

Ray from Deuce, Wyoming writes…

Dear Cocky, This family I am staying with is using all kinds of pesticides and chemicals to try and kill me. How do I tell them that it is just not working? Best, Ray

Hello Ray, This is a letter we get a lot. The family has caught you hanging out near the toaster and they are pretty steamed about it. Lay low for a while. Let things blow over. Spend a few weeks exploring the family closets, hide out in a pair of old shoes for a bit. You'll be back in the kitchen in no time.

Norris in Baltimore writes…

I am seeing this roach in a row house down the street. This broad is having like ten babies a week. I tell her she can’t prove they mine. She threatened to call the exterminator on my ass if I don’t pay my child support crumbs. The bitch crazy. What do I do?

Hi Norton, This situation can be tricky. Many male roaches find it difficult to balance the demands of family with their own disgusting need to scurry and eat shit. You have a duty to those tiny baby roaches. Pay your crumbs and be a man about it.

FYI - The inspiration for the Cocky column came from my own run in with a roach last night in my kitchen sink. While I was smashing his lights out I imagined capturing him and giving him an advice column here on DFF.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Sees Blog Hits Rock Bottom With Roach Bit

Price Is Right For Rosie?

2007-06-19T20:49:00.000-06:00

Everyone’s favorite former View host Rosie O’Donnell is rumored to be in talks with CBS to take over the Price Is Right. What does the now retired Bob Barker think of all this? When asked about the possibility of O’Donnell replacing him an obviously confused Barker commented that the show would be in goods hands with a male host and that O’Donnell would be perfect for the role. When the L.A. Times reporter corrected the gender of O’Donnell Barker only laughed and mouthed “I know ladies, that ain’t no lady”.

Investment Opportunity

I hear a lot these days about investing, who’s doing it, what they are investing in, how much cold cash they are taking to the banks, etc. Well we at DFF are always looking to diversify our business model. Frankly we rely a little too much on revenue generated through our online department store. The Fryer blog does generate some income – but not as much as you would think. I had our attorney look into the legal ramifications of DFF starting some kind of reader investment club. Basically what I want to do is take your money – invest that money and give you a little profit. I want to turn your money into even more money. Unfortunately our attorney seemed to think this was a bad, bad idea. She reminded me of my own troubled investment past (foreclosed homes, owning a lot of swamps, living in a dumpster, losing my dumpster). The consensus around DFF World Headquarters was that DFF needs to stick with what it does best – posting a half-witted social commentary, and selling fried chicken and tires.

Rumors Unfounded, Hurtful

I wanted to address some rumors that have been swirling. Many of you have noticed my sudden, unplanned, loss of weight. Well I am not on cocaine. I can't stress that enough. No cocaine.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Thinks TV Is On To Something

Random Thoughts

2007-06-18T21:45:00.000-06:00

1) My Weekly Company Newsletter – The thing states that you should call a professional counselor if you are feeling depressed for as little as two weeks. Come on – two weeks? I call that just getting started. You’d have to be a real candy-ass to call a shrink after two weeks of feeling the blues.
2) Why is the coffee they provide at work so BAD? It is not just bad – but bad beyond belief. It is true at any office you are at. In my particular office they make Folgers available. Folgers is normally a very reliable cup. At my office it tastes like someone ground up cigarettes and boiled them. Oh god, it will give me night terrors just thinking about it. Blah.
3) Downtown Kansas City is really coming back to life. It is hard to belief – but hope is on every street corner. Not Hope the prostitute – but hope that the revitalizing efforts in the urban core are working. My new bus route snakes its way through downtown and I am really enjoying it. The finishing touches are being put on new restaurants, theatres, office buildings, etc. At every turn it seems something new is happening. It is quite an amazing turnaround from when I moved here five years ago. Now there will be something to do in Kansas City besides worship old you-know-who.

Congratulations…

Julia Roberts just had another baby. She is really working on creating her own little race of big lipped, loud laughing, little rascals. While we are happy for Julia (and husband Danny Moder)…we will throw some criticism their way. Names of the last three Roberts-Moder children: Henry, Hazel and Phinneaus. Those aren’t kids names, it is the damn roll call for pills down at the Livingdead Retirement Facility. Way to rush your kids through childhood you two. Suggestions for your next three kids: Dick, Lou and Ruth.

Movie Review: Notes On A Scandal

They should call this movie Notes On Making Me Vomit. What a terrible movie. I won’t spoil it – but if you rent this you are going to see a lot more of Judi Dench then you planned when the movie started. It is not just Judi Dench in the bath that made this movie poor (oh shit, I gave it away). I understand not everyone looks like Meredith Baxter Birney in the tub. The movie was just not uplifting enough. I also struggled to understand the British accents. At one point I wasn’t sure if Dench was taking notes on the scandal or a friend’s brisket.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Ends Suspense, Will Pay Into Company’s 457 Plan

Hasselhoff Wins Custody, Questions Linger

2007-06-17T20:45:00.000-06:00

David Hasselhoff has won the custody fight with his ex-wife Pam Bach. Hasselhoff was recently in the news for encouraging one of his daughters to film him in a booze haze (whilst he attempted to eat a Wendy’s) – while the daughter yelled at him that he is a drunkard. What in the world must be wrong with Pam Bach? If you are losing a custody battle to a David Hasselhoff you got to have some serous personal defects. If I were Pam Bach I would be doing some serious reflecting, asking myself some tough questions. My first one would be how in hell did I lose a custody battle to that guy? What could be so wrong with her that a judge would look at Hasselhoff and say yes, you take care of those kids. Is she a vampire? That is the only thing I could think of that would make her a worse parent than Hasselhoff - if she sucked the children's blood.

Tired of the Same Old News

What is with the news? Jeez, I watched the same stories two years ago. If you would have slipped into a coma on June 19, 2005 and woke up on June 19, 2007 you would not have missed a thing. It is all immigration debate and the Iraq War. It is the same windbag politicians, the same rhetoric and the same results. The only thing that has changed is my hairline.

Quote of the Week

“She had a great reception in heaven”

This was the Rev. Billy Graham on the welcome that his recently deceased wife received upon flinging open the pearly gates of the afterlife. Graham will have you believe his wife was greeted with a cake and punch reception. DFF thinks that was a little presumptuous of Graham. Not saying the women wasn’t a saint – but jeesh, this guy got a direct line to God or what? DFF knows a little something about the afterlife and we thinks we smell a rat.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Delightful On a Day Trip

First Thing I’m Getting When I Hit the Lotto…

2007-06-14T21:07:00.000-06:00

A mouth full of big-old horsy teeth – huge white pearly ones…the sizes of thumbs. A lady I ride the bus with has a pair of these. It always looks like she is in a good mood. Her teeth are there a full two minutes before she even goes to say something.

Hamas Controls Gaza

I have given up trying to understand this conflict. I know something bad is happening in Israel – I just can’t get my mind around it. CNN tried explaining it to me – like a one minute synopsis of the last 15 years of conflict. It just left me with more questions. Who is Hamas and why is he always firing his gun directly into the air. Why is Gaza so ticked at Hamas? How can Gaza be both a person and a place? What does Israel even care if Hamas and Gaza come to blows? So many questions – so little intelligence to comprehend the answers.

National Audubon Society At It Again

As if we haven’t heard enough from this group – now they are telling us that American yard birds are disappearing, threatened, inconvenienced, etc. I invite them to come to my home, sit on my deck and watch all the tweeities I got flying around my backyard. It is like a damn (wherever a lot of birds stay). Last week I actually got crapped on by one of them while I stood innocently in my driveway. The gloom and doom crowd over at the Audubon Society will have you believe that common yard birds are being lost to global warming, over population and pollution. They will also tell you that common house cats are decimating the populations of domestic birds. Regardless if they are right – they are still incredibly lame for even looking into.

Justice Sits Around…Finally Catches Up With Mississippi Man

A jury deliberating since 1964 finally convicted James Ford Seale in the murder of two black teenagers in southwest Mississippi. It is unclear as to what in heavens took 43 years. A defiant Seale told the media “I’m an old feller.”

Immigration Questions

The question I am asked more than any other is my stance on immigration. People want to know how I feel about immigrants, what deep seeded nastiness lurks just below my trademark grimace. More often than not I tend to form an opinion based entirely on my own economic interests. Immigration (the illegal variety especially) allows a flood of eager-beaver workers who are willing to perform a variety of services for a pittance. Unfortunately they still charge more than I can afford. So I don’t really have an opinion on immigration. Maybe we let all of Mexico in and just deal with it all at once. There can’t be to many folks left down there anyhow. No one is using Michigan or North Dakota anymore.

Kansas City Man Thinks You Were Right About Crystal Meth

Hold Up Iran, Let’s Think This Over

2007-06-13T20:59:00.000-06:00

The Iranian parliament today passed a decree (by a vote of 148-5) that individuals involved in the production or distribution of pornographic films are eligible for the death penalty. They said some crap about porn being the “corrupter of the world”. Now before you go agreeing – I had our research department do a little homework on this topic. It turns out that the Iranian definition of porno is a little different than the American one. In Iranian film just casting a gaze on the fairer sex will get you a PG13-rating. Holding hands will get you an R-rating, and a good night kiss will get you XXX billing. Oh Iran…what are we going to do with you?

Tips For Staying Cool This Summer

It is that time of year once again – temperatures across the country are rocketing toward triple digits. Our super sized American thighs are already sticking to our car seats. What to do? Here are a couple of tride and true tips for beating the heat this summer.
1) Ditch the silky underwears – go with cottons and cool your ass down
2) Make friends with an Eskimo

In Memorial…

Mr. Wizard (aka Don Herbert) passed away yesterday at the ripe old age of 89. Until viewing his obituary I had no idea that Mr. Wizard existed as a TV star outside of 1980’s Nickelodeon. Indeed – his “resume” revealed that he had delighted children in both the 1950’s and 1960’s as well. From the article I saw on the latimes.com it was unclear how he spent the 1970’s. One can imagine a heavily afroed Mr. Wizard passed out in the back of a discotech. Well I don’t care what he did in the 70’s. He was there for me in the 1980’s. Interestingly it was not the experiments* or science lessons I took away. More importantly, Mr. Wiz taught me to trust. He showed me that middle-aged men who invite young people into their homes and film them can, nay, must be trusted.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Seeking Full-Figured Broad

*It took me five tries to spell “experiments” correctly.

Vomiting Not As Glamorous As I Remembered

2007-06-12T17:47:00.000-06:00

It has been a long time since I vomited. I think it was five years ago – due to a rancid batch of Stove Top Stuffing. If you’ve never vomited that stuff…well I would highly recommend it. Oh boy! I got a crippling headache yesterday at work. My 45 minute ride home on the bus only made the problem worse. I picked up my car at the park-n-ride, ran a red light and made it into the house five seconds before I lost my lunch (a PB&J if you’re wondering). It wasn’t my finest moment – but I felt instantly better. I still do have a slight headache though.

Complaint #1,298

I need people on airplanes to just SIT in their assigned seat. If the airline thought you should sit there – you should. On a flight last week from KC to Detroit no fewer than four couples requested seat changes while boarding. People were getting up and moving, flight attendants were in motion – trying to cut deals. I am extremely irritable at boarding time and this really aggravated me. I turned to the lady sitting next to me and said something about how I didn’t understand why people couldn’t just sit in the seat Northwest had given them. She agreed. Am I to believe these people can’t be apart from their loved one for even an hour? The plane was so loud it is not as if you could hear anyone talk anyway. I had to scream at the top of my lungs for my 3 ounces of water.

On another airline not – I am glad to see Northwest finally selling high-end snacks. I really like the trail mix they are dealing (and at two dollars it is a real value). It is a great change from those mini-pretzels they were giving out last year. Blah!

TV Show Review

If you aren’t watching ABC’s Nanny 9-1-1, than you are a real horses you-know-what. What a great show that is. They take this real life British nanny and they put her in a house with terrible parents and stank-rotten kids. In less than an hour she has that house turned around with her English sensibility. Last night she tackled a family where the mom had resorted to slapping as her primary means of communication. If one of her kids wanted something she would just slap them (meaning NO!). Supper Nanny basically told this mom to cut it out. The mom listened and the whole house got better. The dad needed a little help as well. He had gone all “absentee” on account of the mom being kind of screwy. Super Nanny managed to coax the dad back in the house. Super Nanny just has a lot of wisdom to give.

Why Missouri Can Kiss My Assets

Thanks Missouri , thanks for the $700 property tax bill on the USED car we just bought. I am not sure what they are doing with the money – our potholes are the size of Delaware and you can’t get anyone on the horn in Jefferson City anymore. I need to feel a little more taken advantage of.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Waters Wife, Hugs Grass

Week of Being The New Guy Is Exhaustive – Sweat Inducing

2007-06-06T18:28:00.000-06:00

Well this week has been exhaustive. Who knew that starting a new job could take up so much time. I will hit the highlights here. First of all I got a pretty fat cubical – for a cubical it is pretty swank. I got a desk, a desk behind my desk and a table that is completely off in its own corner. I also have a book shelf and a window. Other than that…it is really pretty drab. The whole place is pretty clinical – about what you would expect from a government office building built in the 1970’s.

Oh and they are making my ass wear a shirt and tie everyday. I kind of paw and whimper at my collar all day long like a little doggie. They make all the gentlemen wear this. It kind of sucks because when the sun is out my cubicle heats up to a boil. I perspire something fierce. The actual work seems fine. There are no surprises there. Everyone is nice. After only two days working there and I got ten happy birthday wishes (today is the big day!).

God Hates Kansas City

I think God really doesn’t like Kansas City. I think when he created it he was super mad about something we said or did. I mainly think this because of three particular forms of weather here. The first occurs in the winter. In lieu of snow…God decided he would just throw down ice so he could watch our asses slip and fall. In the spring God thought it would be a laugh a minute to let us live every moment in fear of twisters. And as if that wasn’t cruel enough – God created the Kansas City summer, the biggest joke of all. God takes all his might and heats the air to 90 degrees and then uses his God-ass powers to whup the wind into 60mph gusts. What God has created is the effect of going about ones day in a blast furnace. This morning I actually heard this referred to on a local TV station as “blustery-hot”.

Urinal Etiquette

In the last two days I have had two very disturbing trips to the restroom. The first one occurred on my second day of work. This guy (maybe my boss?) starts talking to me about some contract or something he is concerned about. He is really going on and on about the thing. I am standing there trying to focus. He is yapping at the sink behind me and asking me questions. We are not ladies – the bathroom isn’t a conference room in which to solve all the problems of the world. I can't think about a contract while I am going. The Golden Rule of maleness is that in a bathroom you keep your eyes on the floor and your yapper shut.

Then today I am in the bathroom at a certain retail giant. I step up to my urinal and I can just feel this old guy next to me start to open up his fat trap. Well he starts yacking and asking me if I think we are going to get any rain tonight. I wanted to tell him NO – I heard this morning we are dry until the weekend. But I was just so mad I told him I wasn’t sure and then I got the hell out of there.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Disappears, Reappears Hours Later

New Job Eve

2007-06-04T05:32:00.000-06:00

So this is the eve of my first day at my new job. Nerves, nerves, nerves. No, I am cool about it. I have packed all the things I need to be comfortable in my new surroundings. Here is the list of actual items I have packed for my first day.

1) Tampa Bay Buccaneer Super Bowl 35 championship mousepad
2) Tampa Bay Buccaneer coffee mug (with novelty palm tree coffee stir)
3) 9x9 dry erase board (for recording my tasks)
4) Desk fan
5) Portable radio for tunes w/headphones for
6) Dilbert desk calendar

My job search was exhaustive and time consuming. All hobbies and interests were shelved. All my energy was redirected toward my job search. Now that I have conquered Mt. GetMoreCash I will have to find some other challenge, some other personal quest. It will be weird to get up Monday morning and go some place different. I have gone to the same place everyday for nearly four years. What if I get confused, go to the wrong place and accidentally get my old job back?

Weekend In Review

Friday after work I boozed it up with a couple of my (now ex) coworkers to celebrate my freedom. After I got home from boozing with my coworkers my wife and I picked up my mother-in-law and sister-in-law. We went to this place called Wines By Jennifer. It was nice – we had wine (though not actually served by Jennifer). It was more of a wine tasting thing. I think they should cut a lot of the mumbo-jumbo wine talk and just give it to you. After that we went and had some dessert.

Saturday morning I made a huge omelet. I stuffed that puppy full of onions, fakin’ bacon, and cheese. It was really very heavy. After that I don’t know what I did. As I have gotten older I find that a lot of time goes missing while I sit around thinking about what I should be doing. A little later that day my wife and I went put-put golfing to celebrate my the birthday of our niece. After put-put we had pizza, cake, ice cream and watching kids open presents.

That brings us to today. Today I got up, made some eggs, cut the grass, went for a bike ride to Sears, drove to Kohl’s and talked on the phone. I like cutting the grass. I feel all house proud after it is done. I say a little thank you to Wells Fargo for thinking enough of my wife and I to let us have a mortgage on this little American dream. It is a beautiful partnership. With each mortgage payment my wife and I like to imagine which piece of the house we have just taken total ownership of. So far we have paid off the tiles around the toilet in the hall bathroom, a windowsill in the kitchen above the sink, and a blade of grass by the mailbox. In just 291/2 years this will all be ours.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Predicts Growth Healthcare Field

Things You Might See If You Come to My Door on a Sunday at 2pm

2007-06-01T06:29:00.000-06:00

My neighbor (we’ll call her “Helena” ‘cause I couldn’t begin to remember her name) came to my door on Sunday afternoon with the gift of a recently picked bag of garden vegetables. Very nice. Unfortunately I was ill prepared for visitors and thus quite pants-less. It was just me – in my boxers – holding a caulking gun. I had just minutes before begun the arduous task of sealing windows…the gaps in which my wife believes allows a sort of bug freeway into our home. I have never seen these bugs she speaks of – but they appear to rattle her nerves. When it became apparent that this woman was our neighbor (and not a Bible thumper) I excused myself and found some pants. When I returned – now more clothed – Helena gave me a bag of veggies and told me there was plenty more where that came from.

Bad Babysitter Alert

A teenage babysitter in Waterford, Pennsylvania fell asleep on Wednesday while watching a 20-month-old and two year old. When she woke up a short time later both of the children she was supposed to have been watching had accidentally drowned in a pond. No word on the identify of this “bad babysitter” – but we will stay on top of the story. DFF is committed to putting this bad babysitter out of business for good.

Last Day

Today is my last day at my job. Though our separation was initiated by me – the whole week has been much more emotional than I thought it would be. I feel a little like some caged up cockatiel – who has longed for freedom for years. But when that cage door is accidentally left open one day and it has a chance to escape…well it is not so sure it is ready for freedom. What will it be like at a new employer? Will they provide a delicious assortment of baked goods each Friday morning? Ready or not, freedom comes for this cockatiel at 4pm today. When that door swings open it is going to look like I was blasted from a cannon. I am ready for all that awaits on the other side.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Flops on Broadway

Top 5 Secrets To Keep From Your Coworkers

2007-05-31T06:33:00.000-06:00

5) Your significant other left you – like a long time ago, those phone calls you’ve been making to your sweetie are bullshit
4) The cancer your coworkers cheered you through was not actually cancer at all – but a mental breakdown brought about by something trivial
3) The “vacation” you took last year was not to Yosemite – but instead spent serving a two week long prison term for a misunderstanding on the internet
2) It is contagious
1) You saw the cleaning lady steal the Kelly Clarkson CD off of Wendy’s desk – she then threatened to kill you (and you totally knew she was serious)

Well yesterday was definitely a long day. In inordinate amount of shit seems to be flowing downhill – and onto me. As soon as you announce you are leaving a job folks come out of the woodwork to give you the work they wanted you to do months ago. Because I am in my final two days at my job I am being forced to say final goodbyes to people. These are folks I have worked with for years. I hate goodbyes. Actually I love them. I think I am super good at them. I am a great judge at what to say and what to hold back. You always want to keep a little back. Today one of the vendors I purchase equipment from came to my office to say goodbye. We had a nice chat (and what I consider another fine farewell by me). The trick to a good adios is to downplay the “moment” with casualness. Add a somber grimace that shows you understand that you will never see this person again. I don’t advocate saying goodbye with a hug. I received one of these today. It was not a forceful hug…but a hug nonetheless.

Mailbag

Bryan writes…

To see pictures of Adam at his other job on the SciFi channel, go to: http://www.aarondouglas.biz/

Bryan is referring to what he believes is my uncanny resemblance to Aaron Douglas, an actor on the series Battlestar Galactica. Well we had our fact checking department look into the matter. Their verdict: Aaron Douglas is doing a hell of a lot more with that face than I ever could. He has finagled that mug into the hearts and minds of the science fiction crowd. I on the other hand run a small blog from my desk.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Finds the Cut of Your Jib Pitiful

2007-05-29T16:02:00.000-06:00

Honor Our Fallen by Sleeping in, Having Big Omelet

Yesterday (May 28th) was Memorial Day. Because of this national holiday I did not have to go to work. Hallelujah! This means I had three days off from what I call “the grind”. So a lot of people call it that – but I think my job is more grindy than some others (certainly more than yours).

This weekend proved a plentiful one. The most important thing to know is that my wife and I secured financing for a nice little gas grill – now sitting proudly in our overgrown / flooded back yard. We are learning that one of the features of our new house is that rain tends to pool in the backyard, creating what I like to call “Lake Adam”. The suburban wildlife seem to enjoy it though (especially the mosquitoes!). They’ll get after you. Back to my grill. The Chars-a-Lot 200 offers a realistic grilling experience to those unprivileged enough to purchase it. It combines the terrifying vapors of a propane tank w/the shaky legs of a $95 grill. So far our grill success stories have included 1) sweet potatoes 2) corn on the cob 3) tofu for me 4) chicken for the wife 5) asparagus for everyone.

Family Cheapness Taking Tasty Turn

My wife and I tend to be careful with our money in many ways. It is a fact of life in our house that money is very hard to earn and must be guarded. Because of this we have developed certain habits of the frugal. For instance all dollars that come in are cataloged and there whereabouts traced meticulously through their life cycle with our family. In this way we keep a record of precisely where our money is terminating. My wife recently pointed out that an inordinate amount of our income seems to be going to two specific expenditures – house plants and pie. I stopped to think about that for a minute. Sure enough we do have a lot of house plants and we do eat a lot of pie.

We are a family that is willing to stand in a grocery store isle for hours examining the unit cost on two dueling boxes of corn meal. But when confronted with the sight of a display of house plants will ask no questions as we reach in and grab all we can carry. More than once we have reached the checkout with handfuls of plants and pots – only to realize we have spent a small fortune.

As for the pies…guilty as charged. We are a family that values filling a pie crust with something, baking it, and eating it with coffee.

Memorial Day Hero

Today we honor my great-grandfather Julian Dickmantrooskye. Drafted in Poland and sent to serve on the front lines of World War I – it was his six days of incessant high-pitched screaming that got him removed from the trench and sent back on the next train home. His spirit of survival (and cowardliness) churns on in the generations that have proceeded him.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Falls Asleep in Church, Jesus Heard Not Amused

Hey Tesh, Fix Your Own Flippin’ Life

2007-05-24T21:11:00.000-06:00

As I was crusing around in my automobile this evening (returning from buying a pie) I chanced upon the John Tesh radio program. The focus of his attention seemed to be in getting me to “have more passion”. Confused by this I visited http://www.tesh.com/ for a further explanation. It turns out Tesh’s comments are related to a contest he is holding. For Tesh it is “Passion and Purpose” month. His website urges listeners to find out what makes them feel joy, fulfillment and focus. He encourages listeners to ask themselves deeply philosophical questions about what they can do better in their life or what they are doing with their life period. Tesh suggests mentoring, good parenting and community service as a stimulus for renewing vigor. Entering the “Passion and Purpose” contest allows one the opportunity to possibly-maybe win a copy of Tesh’s passion book or CD/DVD. See you in hell Tesh.

War, Good Gosh

Today the Congress approved billions of dollars in funds to continue the war in Iraq. The spending measure excluded those oh-so-pesky withdrawal timelines the Democrats had championed. The measure is being lauded as a compromise between hawkish Republicans and sheepish Democrats – but the whole matter left DFF feeling a little like a lost child in a room full of sick and dying circus clowns. I thought the Democrats had promised to a) stop funding the war or b) enact some performance measure or c) pass some kind of pull-out plan. They have done nothing but roll over and let the Republicans scratch their belly. Cowards.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Not a Fan of Gratuity

Grab a Shovel and Let’s Get This Thing Done

2007-05-23T16:26:00.000-06:00

We received hundreds of emails this week asking why the postings have been so inconsistent these past few days. Well the answer is a simple one – this office drone has found a new job (and thus in two weeks will have a new place to cry in his coffee). I am in the process of completing my last two weeks of employment with my current employer. This means I am training my replacement. It is unlikely that this person will be able to fill my very bored shoes.

Now many of you may be asking what this means for you. Please see the Frequently Asked Questions below:

Q – You got a new job? Will you be as miserable and surly as you have been in the past?
A – Probably.

Q – Will DFF continue to be posted between noon and 1pm (M-F)?
A – More than likely we will move to an evening posting schedule.

Q – What are you wearing?
A – You’re a perv.

Return of Bird Flu?

Somebody get Tweetie a Kleenex! A 5-year-old girl in Indonesia has died of the dreaded bird flu. This is the first case in a while. Twenty dead chickens were found near the little girls home. It was unclear at press time what the relationship was b/w the dead chickens and the dead girl. Local officials were unavailable for comment because we had no flippin’ idea how to call Indonesia.

Female Sharks Moving On Without Males? Yes.

A feminist shark in Ireland has succeeded in giving birth w/out the sperm of a male shark. The female hammerhead had been sexless for three years when she gave birth to a beautiful bouncing baby boy shark (who was then quickly murdered by a stingray in the same tank). According to science folks mammals typically do not have these type of “virgin births” – except you know who. But because of the damn stingray we will never know if that baby shark represented hope for humanity in the form of a personal savior.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Wishes You’d Show More Leg

Dear Diary, San Francisco was wonderful!

2007-05-22T10:49:00.000-06:00

Well I have returned from the not so Wild West. In many ways I return more rested than when I left. This I believe is the point of a vacation. I am not here to induce a snooze fest with details about a trip that so many others have taken before (San Francisco and Napa Valley). I am just going to give you a couple of highlights of this thing.

1) The city of San Francisco is made up of many different climates. Locals refer to them as micro-climates. What this means is that the weather on one city block is wholly unrelated to the weather on another. You might be applying sun screen one second and the next be purchasing a fleece to keep warm.
2) The tour guide who led our Segway tour proudly stated that Theodore Roosevelt and his “New Deal” had played a major part in building San Francisco. The self described “actress” needs to get her facts straight about history. It was Franklin D. who did all the work…and not his frisky cousin Teddy.
3) So I am washing my hands in the sink at the overlook spot to the Golden Gate Bridge. This is the place where you can have your picture taken in front of the Bridge and have a lot of cheesy shots taken too. I posed for one where I look like an explorer who is surveying a future conquest (hilarious!). I digress. I am washing my hands and I look over at the sink next to me and see a penis. The guy next to me was using the sink as a urinal. I scurried out of the bathroom and excitedly relayed my story to my friend (thinking the two of us would have a good laugh about how despicable humanity is). Said friend than began screaming at each man exiting the restroom, accusing each of being the guy who was peeing in the sink.

I will relay more trip tales tomorrow. We got a lot of ground to cover. I’m mad about a lot of things people.

Car Problems

Big thanks to our Taurus for dying at the worst possible moment – in the middle of a large intersection on a Saturday afternoon. The only thing more humiliating than breaking down in an intersection is walking home from the Wal-Mart with your little sad bag of groceries as your car is being towed in the opposite direction?

Dead, Dead, Dead!

While I was in California the Rev. Jerry Falwell fell over (and died). He has died and gone to that big nothin’ in the sky. Just joking…I am sure that upon passing Rev. Falwell was greeted by a cavalcade of big old smiling angels. From blaming the terror attacks of 9/11 on “feminists” to describing global warming as a ploy by Satan to distract us – Rev. Falwell occupied a special place in America. That special place was our $%^holes.

Quote of the Week I

"I don't know if he was fighting dogs or not," Portis said. "But it's his property; it's his dogs. If that's what he wants to do, do it."

That was Redskins player Clinton Portis coming to the defense of Atlanta Falcon Michael Vick (Vick is accused of sponsoring dog fighting on his property). What country does Portis stay in? His dogs? His property? Dog fighting is ILLEGAL. You won’t find anyone dumber than a football player.

Quote of the Week II

"In the recent interview I gave concerning dogfighting, I want to make it clear I do not take part in dogfighting or condone dogfighting in any manner."
Portis again – this time in a statement released by the Washington Redskins.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Finds New Job, Less Choking Necktie

Vacation All I Ever Wanted, Vacation Got to Get Away

2007-05-10T11:35:00.000-06:00

Perhaps the Go-Go’s did say it best in their classic song “Vacation”. While a closer look at the lyrics revealed the song is actually more about recovering from a painful breakup – nevertheless it is still relevant today. The offices of the Deep Fat Fryer will be closed down for the next six business day. As a bonus, this will finally give our cleaning crew time to catch their breath. I recently made an executive decision that employees could go ahead and bring their dogs to work. It has turned into this whole big thing. I totally didn’t want to get into today, but basically I have to convince both Heidi Snifter and Janice Hoopty to drop their lawsuits. You try and do something nice for your employees and Heidi and Janice get mauled.

It will be a time for me to recharge my emotional batteries. We will return on Monday May, 21 with all new episodes (and hopefully a few tall tales from our trip to the Wild West). In keeping w/the spirit of adventure – here are the top ten things I wish to achieve with my week off in California:

1) just dance
2) throw up in a wine bucket
3) drunkily tell the wine pourer “I’ll pour my own glass of shit.”
4) find a reason to file litigation against the city of San Francisco (they seem loaded!!)
5) get stuck in a good old fashioned California traffic jam, then use rental car horn until it breaks
6) get personalized novelty tee-shirt of me buried under earthquake rubble
7) find the home of former NFL legend Joe Montana – let him know KC is still out there and we LOVE him / wonder why he never calls
8) parallel park car inside a redwood tree

Kansas Back from the Brink, Again

The pendulum of Kansas politics is once again swinging. Last November Kansas voters swept away many of the most staunchly conservative members of the Kansas Board of Education. The new and more moderate school board has set about undoing many of the policies of the old board. Chief among them has been removing limits put on school districts about how they conduct sex education curriculum. The main change will be a shift away from teaching “abstinence only” curriculum, which the prior board mandated. Kansas school districts will now have greater leeway in their efforts to keep students off of one another. Superintendent of Newton County schools, Dr. Ellie DeUvla, believes the changes will be of great benefit to the students. In an address to the Kansas House of Representatives DeUvla blasted outgoing board members for creating what she called “some of the most selfish lovers in the country.”

Toodles to Tony Blair

British Prime Minister Tony Blair announced his resignation today. Mr. Blair served over a decade – but much of his time has been spent deflecting criticism of his close relationship with President Bush. Indeed, much of the Blair legacy has been tarnished by the Iraq War (of which most Britons disagree with). British politics can be utterly mischievous. Mr. Blair has maintained his dignity through it all (unlike you-know-who across the Atlantic).We will miss you Mr. Blair.

Foreclosure Headaches

More Americans are losing their homes than ever before. As we all know getting your home foreclosed on can be a logistical nightmare. Will you be ready when the bank comes a knocking? Our own logistics expert tells us there are a couple of things you can do in advance.

The first thing is having all of your possessions out of the house. Plan in advance a safe place to move your things. The number one complaint banks have when conducting a foreclosure is when a bunch of old family photos and shit are lying everywhere. It is worth nothing to no one.

Secondly, you will want to have picked out a new place to stay. If you have children – make sure and bring a couple of their toys with you (put the rest in storage or give them to the neighbor kids). It can be a confusing time for children. Reassure them that many borrowers fell for low introductory teaser rates on adjustable rate mortgages. Remember that they have little reference for understanding how a grown adult could so badly jeopardize the financial future of an entire family.

Lastly, on foreclosure day – try and stay away from the proceedings if at all possible. Watching a bank or mortgage company auction off your piece of the American dream is not exactly heartwarming. Yelling obscenities at the auctioneer is not going to help anything either. It only proves to them what they thought they already knew – you are classless (as well as careless with money). Happy Foreclosure Day!

Kansas City Man Pitches Line of Personal Finance Crisis Greeting Cards to Hallmark

Office Drone Dreams of Life as Gangles the Clown, Big Top Superstar

2007-05-09T12:16:00.000-06:00

No I don’t want to join the circus as a clown. That was just to get your attention. I want to talk about rehabilitation. We hear a lot of stories about celebrities entering and exiting rehab like it is some kind of Piggly Wiggly supermarket. Both Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears have recently completed stints there. Celebrities are willing to pay top dollar to be rehabbed (in luxury of course). So I had two thoughts on this. My first thought is that I have an entrepreneurial itch. I would like to start me one of those fancy rehab clinics for the stars. How much can they cost to start? You get a couple of Tommy Hilfiger bathrobes and you are done. I am unwilling to relocate though. The stars will have to come to the middle of Kansas for their treatment. It is tranquil anyway. My second thought is that rehab actually sounds kind of nice. It would be great to have a few weeks off from life. I should drink more. Vodka would be my drink of choice because I imagine it is easy to just start using that instead of half n half in my coffee.

Disease of the Week

This week we look at the disease Dystonia. Our physician on staff Dr. Nightytickles tell us that Dystonia will not kill you – just make you “stand out” in a crowd. Basically Dystonia gets all up in the basal ganglia area of your brain and does a little remodeling job. Dystonia causes the muscles of your body to no longer relax. They involuntarily twist and spasm as if groovin’ to some soul music. Competing muscle twitches may give the appearance of a civil war in a particular body part. This thing doesn’t discriminate either people. You won’t find Dystonia talking shit about anyone in particular – it is simply going after everyone (ladies, men, children, black, white, etc). If you have this thing you are going to know it, but some symptoms include head jerking, tough time chewing and leg cramps. There is no cure – but Dystonia-foundation.org would like you to know that scientists are on the case (though they fail to offer any real specifics).

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Has Noticeable Limp

Sitting in Cubicle with My Floaties On…Waiting For the Flood Waters

2007-05-08T10:59:00.000-06:00

Our friend the Missouri River has decided to leap from its banks and into our streets. It appears as if the flooding could be very damaging (especially to the low towns that are plopped down along the river). Many communities are already reporting flood waters flowing on their “Main Street”. Well here is to hoping the Missouri River reconsiders and recedes a bit. While the Missouri River does not get as much publicity as the Mississippi River – it can still be just as much of a bitch as its more famous neighbor.

Quote of the Week I

“They were walking on my eardrums”

This was from a 9-year-old boy in Oregon who had two spiders living in his ear. The boy seemed to take the whole thing in stride. He even kept the two spider carcasses as a souvenir of the ordeal.

Quote of the Week II

“Oh my god, shit, oh god, oh shit, oh god, shit”

That was actually me – screaming and dodging lightning bolts as I ran down the driveway to retrieve our newspaper Sunday morning.

Americans with Issues Foundation

The Americans with Issues Foundation (or AIF) recently released the results of a groundbreaking study. Their controversial findings revealed what many had suspected. The AIF sampled over 3,000 Americans and found that nearly 92% of those surveyed could identify at least one person in their immediate family as someone with “issues”. The top five issues the survey participants named most frequently:

5) Greedy pig
4) They poor
3) Horrible drunk
2) Selfish in the boudoir
1) Too fat for living

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Can Bake for You Too

Thunderstorms Finally Let Up, Drone Can Peek Head Out of House

2007-05-07T11:18:00.000-06:00

Ah man it was a stormy Sunday on our little 1/37th of an acre suburban paradise. Our backyard is looking more like a lake than a small patch of American dream. We got a lot of standing water back there. Probably the thing I got the most sick of was the lightning flashing in my mug every time I walked by a window. It went on most of the day Sunday. In one instance I was minding my own business – doing up some dishes – and a bolt of lighting flashed in our front yard. Well it literally stopped my ticker and temporarily blinded me. It was NOT pleasant. By the time I remembered what I was doing the dish water was cold and I had to start all over with fresh.

Vroom, Vroom, Car Shopping!!

Well my wife and I took that all important first step and visited a car dealership this weekend. It was not w/out its drama. We got lost on the way out there, nearly ran out of gas and were w/out food for up to 20 minutes. We finally did make it to the Honda dealership. What we found there was a damn shyster for a car salesperson and prices that were a little higher than we can afford ($00,000.00?). We test drove both the Civic and the Accord. My review – they drive nice, they are nice. We are going to go test drive some Toyota products tonight. My guess is that those will be nice too.

Travel News You Can Use

Has anyone traveled lately? What is up with traveling being expensive? My lord - $400 for a wine and cheese hot air balloon ride over Napa Valley? Come on. That is just cost prohibitive people. Basically my travel tip is this: Stay home, you can’t afford that. I would recommend visiting your local library and perhaps reading a book about a place you would like to go when you have some extra cash. If you must travel – stay close to home. You can’t afford the gas to go any further. If you possess children – take them to places that are free of the money sucking gift shops they like to frequent. State and national parks are great places to not spend money. Pack a cooler of cheese sandwiches and really save your pennies. Don’t let your kids bully you either. Yes they will want to go to Disney World. They will use every trick in the book to get there. You’ve got to be strong. If they are young (age 3 to 8 maybe) tell them that parents and children are frequently separated there, FOREVER. Do they want to be orphaned? That is a risk they surely won’t want to take. Fun and cheap family vacations abound – you just have to be willing to look for them or not go anywhere. Good luck!

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Not Shy in Role of Debutant

Drone Amuses Self with Thoughts of Being Own Boss, Would Likely Fire Own Ass

2007-05-04T12:14:00.000-06:00

I just felt something shiny over my shoulder. I realized the sun was actually out. It seems like it has been a while since I have seen that. The dreary weather has been making me day-sleepy. I need some Vitamin D or something. I just want to grab a blanket and curl up under my desk like a bambino.

Weekend Agenda

1) Put on my short-shorts – grab my ax and remove old shrubs from our yard. Put that image in your pipe and smoke it. It is just me sweating and chopping all the live long day.
2) Attend the 4th birthday party of little Amelia. I am looking forward to watching her tell everyone exactly where and what she wants them to be doing (example: Hey guys grab a balloon and jump around).
3) Stand over the area where I put down grass seed – pontificate why it didn’t grow – and then give that dirt a frustrated kick (ala the “Pa” character from Grapes of Wrath).
4) Really think about buying a new car – really think about what I want for a second job.
5) Apply for that second job.
6) Make an omelet – eat it gone.

What is the big deal?

You may not have heard – but I did. Time magazine released its list of the 100 most influential people. These are people who influence our lives in untold and unexplainable ways (Brad Pitt?). Well the big news was who was not on the list. Our very own George Bush was noticeably absent. Now if you listen to people like Fox News talking ass Sean Hannity he will tell you it is part of a vast liberal conspiracy. Mr. Hannity has once again missed the point. The list is not made of the most powerful people – it is made up of people that spur us to action (Al Gore) and people who are maybe oddly sexy (German Prime Minister Angela Merkel). She is a tigress! The list is not about power or if you are a tigress or not a tigress. People like Sean Hannity are wrong. Bush should not be on the list. While Bush may have his “finger on the button” his influence has subsided in his second term. Even his own party now seems to be screening his calls. Sen. Kristy Cuddle (R – North Dakota) recently said she screens his calls, as does Sen. Wesley Collision (R – Wyoming) and Sen. Luscious Pullmore (R – West Virginia).

Well folks that concludes another week here in the Deep Fat Fryer. Thanks for showing up. Without you there would be no Fryer. You are the grease that makes this whole thing sizzle.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Relishes Own Illiteracy

Milkshake Now Bringing Fewer to Yard

2007-05-03T11:43:00.000-06:00

Unfortunately it looks as though my wife and I will be shopping for a new car a little sooner than we planned (never?). Our Ford Taurus is really piling up the repair bills lately. The final straw came when something called an “alternator” went on the fritz. Apparently these "alternators" play a key role in operating a motor coach. They keep the battery nice and charged. They are a little on the expensive side. Now you are caught up. It is time for us to make a decision on a new car. This made me think back to the negative experience I had when I got screwed by the good folks at CarMax. Actually they were bad folks. While I may have been flimflammed in the past, this time I come armed with the pit-bull of negotiators. My beautiful wife morphs into a haggling gypsy princess when it comes to saving a dollar (or several thousand in this case). I am anxious to see her take down some highfaluting car salesperson. Though I am occasionally mortified by her gypsy ways – I am always glad to save a few greenbacks myself.

Bad Dream

I had a bad dream last night that I was helping unload airplanes that were carrying sick and dismembered bodies from some terrorist attack on another planet. It was horrible! I woke up at 2am all shaky and exhausted from helping dream victims. I don't like spending my nights wrapped in a cocoon of fake suffering.

Disease Review

This week will take a look at Dengue Fever. This nasty infection simply isn’t playing around. It’s a virus people! Victims of this little number typically stay in tropical and sub tropical climates. It is transmitted by the mosquito. If you get this you are going to a get a fever, headaches, some muscle tenderness, gastritis and vomiting. You are going to not want to get dehydrated – so you’ll need plenty of fluids. There is no cure. You are going to need to let the Dengue run its course. Dengue Fever is also pretty resistant to even the most heartfelt prayers. Tell your family to quit praying and empty your shit bucket.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Running Out of Imaginative Signoffs

Make Up You Own Headline – Office Drone Has Had Enough

2007-05-02T12:17:00.000-06:00

As far as days go – today is one of them. That is about all I can say. I am currently muching on a pb&j and drying off from my soggy walk to the Postal Office. It has been raining at a pretty good clip all day. The rain makes me super happy. I keep reading stories about how the warming of the globe is making everything real dry (Australia is one big cotton ball). When it rains it reassures me that my way of life is sustainable and that it is Al Gore alone who has some kind of a problem. No – just joking. I am not one of these “deny global warming” people. I fear food shortages more than anyone. A man gets used to a certain variety and quantity of feed. I don’t think I would be very effective with a hunting riffle either. If it ever comes to that…me and the family are goners. I can just see me plodding through a wooded area – hungry – and looking for a rabbit or possum to fill up the family fry pan. I can imagine coming home empty handed and having all my hungry children ridicule me (they would call me fat even though I hadn’t eaten in weeks – just because they know I am sensitive).

Bush vs. Congress

Oh folks, this thing is heating up. Bush and the Congress have failed to compromise on the war funding bill. Things are getting downright medieval up in this here Capitol. In case you are confused – here is an assessment of the situation you can relay at your cocktail parties. On one side we got Bush & Company. He likes his war and he likes it funded WELL. On the other side we got the Democrats (this is your Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid crew). They are fed up with funding the war. Neither side is giving an inch. It is an old fashioned tug of war here people. They are going to sit here and pull at this rope until someone falls in the mud. When this happens that person will be covered in so much mud that someone will have to pull him/her out of the mud. When that person is pulled out of the mud they will need a hot shower and a change of clothes. Listen, I could talk all day about falling into a muddy pit. These politicians are not just playing tug of war over a mud hole – they are playing tug of war with the outcome of a war. I am not going to say anymore than that. Everyone might end up muddy.

Healthy Living Section – Tips for Eating Healthy at a Restaurant

1) Request a table near the front door
2) Tell the server you are fed up with their brand of bullshit
3) Ask to speak with a manager, if one is not available – keep asking until one appears
4) Reemphasize to your server your willingness to go “ape shit” over the little things

Instituting those simple changes can make a world of difference on your waistline.

Brittney Spears Oozes Back On Stage

Stop the presses because Brittney Spears made an appearance in a California club last night and sang a few songs. Many of you have not seen Ms. Spears in quite sometime. We at the Deep Fat Fryer became familiar with Ms. Spears when she applied for an internal auditor position we had open last month. My boy Nate in human resources interviewed her. He said she was as fidgety and nervous as an old trolley car operator (Nate is a real ass too). We did not extend her an offer – so I guess it is back on stage for this piece of American royalty. We wish Ms. Spears nothing but the best as she digs herself out of one gutter and back into another more comfortable gutter.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Getting On With Life after Alien Abduction

Office Drone Trades Dirty Looks with Office Slob

2007-05-01T11:41:00.000-06:00

First of all I am tired of Venezuela President Huge Chavez and all his machismo posturing. It is time for Mr. Chavez to “get real” or “keep it real” – as they say in North America. His latest shady antic involves seizing control of the last remaining privately held oil fields. Chavez has been a quest to wrastle control of Venezuela’s vast oil reserves away from BP, Chevron, Exxon-Mobil, etc. The move will ensure that prices at our precious pumps continue to gallop toward $4 a gallon. When this happens almost everyone will be unhappy with things (especially with Chavez). It is time for Chavez to give back control of the oil fields to the large corporations and denounce socialism. He is getting all the other South American countries all excited and wanting socialist reform(s). Bushy needs to fly down to Caracas and show him some of our war toys. Bush can say “you a bit of a free thinker, well look at my war toys” and then he can point to some tanks and bombs. That would probably get Chavez on the horn and apologizing to BP, Chevron and Exxon-Mobil ASAP.

News about St. Louis…

Well look who is in the top ten in the list of cities with the worst air quality…it is you St. Louis. Yes you act all smug and snobby - as if you are the pearl of Missouri and Kansas City is shit-soup. But the statistics tell the real story. St. Louis you top us in crime and now wretched air. All your dirty laundry has been aired and you have been exposed for what you truly are. You are a city with dirty air and a lot of murdering going on. Why don’t you come up to Kansas City and see how clean air gets done? Sure you might counter with the success of your sports franchises (Rams Super Bowl in 1999 and Cardinals World Series in 2006). Well people in Kansas City don’t care about championships – we care about flaring our nostrils and getting a lung full of the good stuff. Bite on that St. Louis. Bite is good.

Travel Section

I recently had the opportunity to spend a weekend in Quincy, Illinois. I found the town to be very quaint and friendly. Quincy sits on the Mississippi River across from Missouri. It is a nice town. A lot of the people were nice. I like the coffee shop and the Chinese buffet. They have a nice wine bar. There are a lot of motorcycles. People drive slower than you or I might. The town is historic. I liked it. I hope my review helps you when you visit Quincy. Happy traveling!!

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Needs Your Help…It’s Not What You Think

History Lesson Takes Over On Slow News Day

2007-04-27T11:41:00.000-06:00

I am afraid I got the Friday afternoon “look ahead” blues. Is anyone getting anything done on a Friday anymore? It is weird to think that people used to work sometimes 6 or even 7 days a week. And they worked hard and long hours too. Sometimes I feel spoiled by our modern world – less able to withstand suffering and inconvenience. I know our ancestors went through some bullshit times man. They faced wild and blood thirsty predators, union busting factory owners, scurvy, etc. They braved all kinds of temperature extremes too. Probably the biggest obstacle I face in a day is when my Starbucks is out of “raw sugar” and I have to ask them to bring more out. That is not that bad compared to living in a house made out of mud (like the pioneers did) and just not having any coffee.

Where am I going with this? I’m not sure people. I know I had a point. Oh yes, I just have a lot of respect for really mentally tough people – like our settler brethren. What a bunch of tough folks. Driving into Kansas this week made me realize just how many hardships they must have faced in making that land tillable. I imagine it was just a lot of tilling and then waiting around for the food to grow. I bet while they were waiting they kind of squabbled about whose idea it was to come out to Kansas. I imagine things would get pretty heated b/w the husband and wife. I bet the wife was all “I don’t have anywhere to put my face of makeup on.” And then I bet the husband was all “baby, you don’t need that makeup out here, you need to be killing that chicken over there.” And then I bet the wife would fight dirty and tell the husband that her mother told her he was bad news from the start. The husband would probably then tell the wife that she needed to do a little less complaining and a little more tilling or chicken killing. I bet they just went on and on like this until the corn came up. Then they had a big harvest and the whole shit was right again.

Well I hope you have enjoyed this little history lesson. Now I have got to go. I am only here a few hours today and I am supposed to be working.

Have a great weekend and thanks for stopping by.

Kansas City Man Wants to Know Just What in Hell You’re Looking At

Back from Trip – Drone Calls Wichita the Paris of the Prairie

2007-04-26T12:09:00.000-06:00

I told you I would be back on Thursday – and here I am. My conference in Wichita was actually pretty useful. I can finally cross Wichita, KS off my list of places to visit before they bury my ass. Some things you need to know about Wichita (pronounced Witch-itta by the way).

1) The city has a real artistic side. They have adorned their bridges and overpasses with inspirational quotes and decorative sculpture(s). However, most of the quotes on the highways are unreadable due to the high posted speed limit. People in Wichita are not jacking around on the highway – they will put their blinker on and pass you with a wave.

Well that is really all you need to know. Everything else you will just have to go there and experience for yourself. A word of caution, stay away from The Broadway Hotel (aka Bed Bug Inn). They do have a great breakfast bar for a reasonable price – but you will be itching while you eat it because of the bed bugs. What they lack in cleanliness they make up for in conference room chairs with no padding. It is like sitting on the lap of a corpse (that is stiff people). That is not good for my back AT ALL.

I did love the staff though. They were very diverse, extremely helpful and able to stifle the itchiness of what must be a very scratchy place to work (all those bed bugs).

One would ask the question (as we all did) – why would the federal government put us up in such a ramshackle hole? As the host of the conference it was the federal government’s job to ensure that the hotel had an indoor pool, hot tub, nice restaurant and a Starbucks in the lobby. I mention all these things because the “Brand X” hotel just down the road from our Bed Bug Inn had all those things. Some of us asked how such a blunder in accommodations had come about. The answer we got was a cheapskate admin assistant back in D.C. had booked the first hotel that offered a “government rate”.

The conference turned out to be very informational. I could bore you with tales about federal audit requirements, monitoring visits, grant cycles and performance measures. I won’t do that. But I will give you a great quote from one of the moderators of our training.

If you are not willing to go to jail for two years then you are in the wrong business.

He also had on fancy cowboy boots (so is he credible?).

Well that is about it for me today. I am wolfing down some lunch. I can’t write w/my mouth full. It is good to be back. I missed each and every one of you. You are all special in your own way.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Returns from Conference, Discovers Wife at Table Eating Dinner

Extra, Extra! Office Drone Going on Business Trip!!

2007-04-20T10:58:00.000-06:00

I got inspired watching an episode of The Oprah Winfrey Show. To say thank you to her staff Oprah took them all to Hawaii for a week of fun in the sun. She picked up the tab for everything (food, lodging, and airfare) – that was over 1,000 people! That is a lot of people. It was one of the most generous things that Oprah has ever filmed herself doing.

This made me think about honoring my own “motley crew” over here at DFF. These are the folks that make DFF run. These are people like Tedrick in receiving, Morty in research and Destiny in public relations. They are the salt of the earth (the preverbal winds beneath my wing if you will). I could go on and on, Yusef in accounting, Asante in housekeeping, Cleo in catering. It is too many to mention everyone. Each of them came to me having survived a host of legal travails (nearly all of their acts just unspeakable). I have rebuilt their lives by providing a generous transportation allowance and access to medical care.

But it is not enough that I offer them unaffordable health insurance or pay 10% of the cost of their bus passes. I want to show them how much I truly appreciate them. That is why I announced this morning that I am taking the entire DFF staff to a farm outside of Wichita, KS. It is a “team building” farm. We will learn to depend on each other by assisting in the day-to-day operations of the Goosey Farm & Country Store. We are going to be shoveling shit and canning jam. The brochure mentions that recent visitors have included a team of NASA astronauts prepping for a mission to outer space, a group of greeting card writers and a contingent of beauty queens from the Northeast.

Sure I have heard a little grumbling from the staff about the destination. They asked me why we couldn’t go to Hawaii like the Oprah staff. I told them it’s because I bet Oprah doesn’t have to worry about someone putting urine in her coffee every time she turns around, or breaking up cat fights every fourth minute. I bet Oprah gets a little respect. Then I told them to stifle it – this is my way of appreciating them. We are all going to load up into that school bus and ride the ten hours to Goosey Farm. I am not going to want to hear any complaining. I have already paid for 4 nights and the optional trip through the corn maze. You know you have to be firm with these people or they will walk all over you.

With the whole staff down at Goosey the Deep Fat Fryer will not be appearing next Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday. We will return on Thursday – and hopefully better (and more team worky) than ever.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Faces Disappointment with Dignity, Hysterical Arm Gestures

Deep Fat Fryer Love Quiz #1

2007-04-19T12:18:00.000-06:00

Are you heading out on the town this weekend and looking for a little love? Take this tasty Deep Fat Fryer “Love Quiz” and find out if you are an icy bowl of gazpacho soup or a spicy ranchero pepper.

How would your last serious fling describe your boudoir prowess?
A) Mild
B) Medium
C) Spicy
D) Ouch, that is just too hot for living!!

What Mexican food would your mother say you most closely resemble?
A) She wouldn’t
B) Burritos
C) One single Taquito
D) Chili Relleno

If you could dress as a taco for one afternoon – what topping would you smoother yourself in?
A) Lettuce
B) Black olives
C) Kraft Foods Mexican Fiesta Cheese Blend
D) The hottest salsa I could get my hands on

If you were a tray of enchiladas – at which temperature would you prefer to be cooked?
A) Eat me raw – I couldn’t stand that heat
B) 225 degrees – 10 minutes
C) 325 degrees – 15 minutes
D) 425 degrees – 20 minutes

We didn’t have time to come up with a scoring mechanism for this thing. Pretty much just look it over. If you selected “D” a few times than you are pretty much the ideal “spicy ranchero pepper” that we referenced above. This means you are the type of person who doesn’t take “no” for an answer. You are persistent above all else. You strut into the club and immediately make it known that you are there to spice it up. You announce to the whole joint that you WILL NOT be leaving alone. You are the consummate spicy ranchero pepper and you will make this thing happen.

If on the other hand you answered “A” more than anything else you are in trouble my friend. You are a bowl of chilled gazpacho soup and that ain’t good. You are the type of person who is only palatable for a bite or two. You are gelatinous and unappealing even on the hottest of days. You ooze into the club and draw attention to yourself by announcing you have recently consumed a whole mess of garlic and onion. You are the worst and it could not be more apparent. No one is even sure why you are appearing in a Mexican food themed love quiz when you originated in the south of Spain.

Good luck at the club this weekend!

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Doesn’t Like Rosie O’Donnell, Will Keep It Quiet For Now Though

Loaded Baked Potato and Possum Combine for Laughs

2007-04-18T12:42:00.000-06:00

I don’t know what it is…but I’ve got a little spring in my step today. It could be the nice spring weather or it could be the loaded baked potato I am devouring. Either way – I am just feeling good today. My personality is mostly dictated by the weather. If the weather is nice so am I. When the weather goes afoul I am as grumpy as an old fart.

Hey, I wanted you all to know that I just saw a possum. I am downtown – so this is what you call a “downtown possum”. Me and this random lady shared a moment as we watched the possum scurry thru the intersection of a busy road. She was kind of like “what is that” and I was all “get back in the sewer before you get hit”. We knew it was a possum because me and the random lady asked this fellow who seemed like he was knowledgeable about possums. I had a funny thought about possums. Like 50 years ago I would have totally gone after a possum if I saw one. Didn’t people used to eat those things? I am glad I don’t have to kill a possum for supper! I would be a shitty hunter because I am a huge quitter and a vegetarian. I am ill equipped for an apocalypse and impending food shortage.

Well I got to cut this a little short today because it is getting LATE. I ran some errands at lunch (hence the possum). It totally screwed the blog today. I am not going to tell you what I was doing – all I will say is watch your mailbox for big savings.

Kansas City Man Seeks New Clique, Office Drone Going Goth at 28

Me to PBS: May I Have a Word with You?

2007-04-17T11:38:00.000-06:00

My house is without cable TV – no big whoop. When I want to watch to TV I occasionally turn to the PBS for entertainment. They normally provide top quality nature programming on Sunday night. Last Sunday was no different. I tuned in at 7pm to find a show about the voyage a big ass sea turtle was making from Mexico to Japan. The turtle was returning to its birthplace to lay a few eggs. They underwater filmed this turtle for 13 months as it made its way across the Pacific (at 1 mph!!). It was an awesome and heroic journey by the turtle. The turtle survived angry sharks, angry whales, angry tuna and angry other turtles. The turtle bites the big one at the end of the show. Its ass gets caught in fishing net and drowns. It was VERY depressing. PBS just strings you along thinking you are watching something with a happy ending. You can be sure if I had more than three channels I would boycott.

DFF Commentary on Gun Violence

I don’t like it.

DFF Commentary on Wife’s Car Breaking

I don’t like that either.

DFF Commentary on Old Guy Making Disgusting Noises at the Gym

Most of all I don’t like him. I need that guy to do a little less pleasure moaning while he lifts weights or does his squat thrusts. I wanted to tell him that it is 2007 and the gym is a family place now. Instead I grabbed my keys and hauled ass outta there.

Deep Fat Fryer Critic Corners

This week we review the movie “Blades of Glory”. This movie gets 4 out of a possible 5 Fryers. Will Ferrell and Jon Heder will really knock “your” skates off with this “slapstick” comedy. This duo serves up laughs by the popcorn bucket full. They will have you laughing until you are blue in the face. I’m not kidding. Ferrell and Heder may have formed the next great comedy duo. They are really on their game in this one. You will love it. I can’t stress enough how impressed I was with Ferrell and Heder for their top drawer acting. My hat is off to the dame that plays the Pam character in “The Office”. Way to go! She was on her game as well. A lot of the other actors were on their game too. Amy Poehler was on her game, as was Will Arnett and Craig T. Nelson. Andy Richter, Romany Malco and Nick Swardson were also on their game. Scott Hamilton also was on his game, as were Greg Lindsay and Rob Corddry and Nick Jameson and Tom Virtue. This movie is good.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Gets 30 Days in Jail for Drive-Thru Misstep

Sad

2007-04-16T11:23:00.000-06:00

Due to the tragedy unfolding in Blacksburg, Virginia the DFF site will not be updated today. As many as 21 individuals have been killed on the campus of Virginia Tech by gunmen. Thoughts and prayers to the families of those killed and injured. It is a sad (and humorless) day.

List of Life Goals

2007-04-13T10:00:00.000-06:00

I got to thinking today about the things I want to accomplish in my life. I have given up on many of the things I set out to do as a bright eyed pup. Hey, don’t cry for me. I’m fine okay. As I compiled my list I was surprised to learn that most of my current life goals involve being humiliated in some way. The therapist on staff here at DFF calls it the “Courtney Love Syndrome”.

Here are my goals:

1) Being part of an office “house cleaning”, that is to say being forced to leave the building w/twenty or so of my coworkers. We would all be carrying our little boxes and looking real hopeless.
2) Having a small glass of water thrown in my face at a fancy restaurant by a business lady.
3) Having a massive heart attack on the most important day of my child’s life (a graduation or wedding I would guess).

Well I am a little pressed for time today. I am leaving the office today at 11:30 for a work function. But lest anyone be disappointed – I wanted to give you all a little something to take away.

My weekend will include the following:

1) being at a work function tonight until 11pm on Friday
2) making snowballs and being sad about being able to make snowballs in April
3) pretending I am going to throw snowball at wife – apologizing for that, letting her actually hit me with one
4) spending 8 hours at a career enrichment course on Saturday
5) celebrating 2 year wedding anniversary by gorging on Thai food (baby, may our love always be as spicy this Pad Thai)

On This Day in My History

I crossed paths with former major league slugger Jose Conseco. Conseco was on the same cruise boat as my wife and I. He was hulking. We saw him coming out of the Windjammer Restaurant and Buffet. One could only imagine the damage that man had done in there. I am convinced to this day that Royal Caribbean lost money on him.

Well that is all for today. And that concludes another week here at the DFF.

A special thanks to the janitorial crew here at DFF World Headquarters. You are all angels.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Confronted with the Ghosts of His Past, Accusations Fly

Larry Win, Larry Wins!

2007-04-12T12:02:00.000-06:00

Larry Birkhead was proven to be the father of the Anna Nicole Smith baby. Birkhead stood victorious on the steps of the courthouse and shouted “I knew it” and “I told you so”. No one likes a gloater Lar. My money was on the other fellow. We have all heard a lot about this case. Most of us were on pins and needles waiting for the results of the paternity test. The story has captivated our imagination in a way that the Iraq War simply cannot. Perhaps Bush can find a way to insert a faded Hollywood harlot into the war. Americans have proven time and again we will stand fully behind a so called “blond bombshell” that has fallen into despair/disgrace (or just died). I digress. Well the question is what did Larry really win? None of us really know. He did win a baby. But the baby has yet to speak publicly. DFF sources (my cubicle neighbor) tell us the baby has had trouble focusing and may be suffering the effects of her mother’s abuse of every known substance. It is clear the baby does come with suitcases filled with money. But there is some doubt as to the exact fortune that Anna Nicole left behind. The woman spent lavishly – we all knew that. Time will tell I suppose.

CNN.com Can Kiss It

I need cnn.com to make even more of their stories only available by video. God that is annoying. Do they think none of us can read anymore? I know my wife doesn’t like me to send impassioned emails to corporations anymore – but I am getting tired of cnn.com. I have moved almost entirely to MSNBC for my news content. It hurts me because I love me some Ted Turner.

“Second Winter” Leaves Me Stunned

I don’t mean to be a negative Nelson – but what I am calling our “second winter” has really got me in the old dumpster. I can’t remember the last time I saw the sun, and we are supposed to have snow on Friday night. I mean come on…snow? Oh how cruel a joke this spring has been. The good news is that the heater in our house is running in a month that it normally doesn’t it. This means paying one more fat check. Let those fat cats at the Gas Company take a few more of my hard earned greenbacks. Dang.

Dead

Famed author Kurt Vonnegut – 1922 to 2007

Retired

NFL quarterback Drew Bledsoe (1994 – 2006). You may have never seen Bledsoe upright. The man took more sacks than a landfill. I will always remember screaming at the TV for him to throw the ball away. I always wondered if playing quarterback for him was like being in that dream where you are being chased and can’t run. Despite his immobility Bledsoe did make it a Super Bowl (though he was sacked several times, threw four interceptions and lost it to the Packers). He was a bum.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Selling War Bonds, Has Plenty for Everybody

My Don Imus Criticism Gets Me Criticized

2007-04-11T11:57:00.000-06:00

We are getting some criticism here at DFF for our critique of the Don Imus situation. It has been said that our critique was actually just as offensive as the Imus one. It appears as if our talking about hookers in Newark, NJ crossed some line or something. Apparently we made some pretty dumb generalizations about the “working women” of Newark. They don’t need that from DFF. We have already sent a lovely bouquet of posies to the Mayor of Newark, as well as some random people in Greater Newark Telephone Directory. And lest you think that DFF has not suffered for our commentary – you would be wrong. Not only as my wife criticized my remarks, well we’ve lost two key sponsors. We were informed today by Bland Brand Pet Food, and Sugar Foot Suckers Co. that they will no longer sponsor this blog. It is a dark day at DFF (literally, when was the last time we paid an electrical bill?).

Kansas City Gets Some Props

I was surprised and delighted to see Kansas City appear in the MSBNB list of “Top 10 Underrated Cities”. Kansas City has joined a list of elite company that includes Pittsburgh, Providence and Baltimore. The point of the list was to show that someone doesn’t have to go to NYC, San Francisco or L.A. to have a good time. There are plenty of good times to have in Kansas City too! I would highlight an abundance of helpful (albeit crazy) homeless folks, scrumptious fare, professional football and baseball, and mild winters. I am going on five years in Kansas City. That is a long time if you are counting. My favorite things about Kansas City: Sheridan’s Custard. My least favorite thing about Kansas City: The area between 31st and 47th streets. That is “midtown” and it is no place for a family.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Hears Call of the Wild, Turns up TV Volume

Hacked Off Office Drone Has No Time for Tomfoolery

2007-04-10T11:51:00.000-06:00

Well I am pretty mad today. I don’t know why – I just decided to be. Oh yes, the weather has got my mood in the old toilet. All our plants and trees in our yard have shriveled up in the cold snap. You know Kansas City does not look good to many times a year. Spring is one of them and now it is all ruined. I’ve never been madder at Mama Nature. How dare she ruin our spring? So what if we are ruining her planet. I need some spring right away. Somebody get me the phone number to Al Gore. I’m outraged, I’m outraged.

New Cubicle Uncomfortable – Well Lighted
Well I am getting used to this new space. My biggest problem is getting comfortable. I can’t seem to get all my stuff adjusted properly. I just can’t get comfortable. I am moving everything around (arm rests, chair height, monitor, ass, arms). I can’t find the right position. I am still working on it. The good news is this thing is well lighted. It is a lot better than the black hole I have been working in. That is the last I am going to talk about my new cubicle.

Thought of the Week
I have seen a lot of news headlines this week about the upcoming results of the paternity test for the Anna Nicole Smith baby. My question is this: What do we do with this information once we have it?

Don Imus Is Fecal Matter
Well the big news this week seems to be radio shock job Don Imus. Imus called the entire Rutgers female basketball team a bunch of “nappy-headed hos.” The comments offered the doubly whammy of being both sexist and racist. Imus owes on apology to a large percentage of the planet. Even though I am a big white guy – I think Imus owes me an apology as well (because of that asinine outfit he wears on his radio show). His head looks like an old deflated tire wearing a ten gallon cowboy hat. Imus received a two week suspension today from his radio program. It is unclear if further punishment waits. Imus said he would try to serve his suspension with dignity. If I was his boss I would drop him off in Newark, New Jersey and tell him to go find an actual prostitute and talk that jive in her face. I bet saying something to an actual prostitute about her hair would get that old bag of shit sliced and diced eight ways from Sunday. Now that is a fitting punishment. And I don’t want to hear about how Imus built a ranch for sick kids. Or how he is Mr. Philanthropy. The guy wears a cowboy hat for godsakes!

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Sends Letter to North Pole, Risqué Requests Leave Santa Blushing

Anniversary Today!!

2007-04-09T11:58:00.000-06:00

My wife and I are celebrating our two year anniversary today. We will mark the occasion by her working until 8pm and me going to the gym and running 3 miles (romantic huh?). Calm down – dinner and a movie will be worked into this weekends plans. It has really been the best two years of my life. It is funny how when you are with someone for a long time how there is no life before them to remember (and you would not want to). Some great things about my wife: 1) smells nice 2) sassy only when necessary 3) lets me “entertain” her with an almost constant stream of not so hilarious observations

Highlights of the Weekend that Was

Well it was a great Easter weekend. Some highlights (in no particular order):
1) played several hands of Liverpool rummy at the in-laws on Sunday
2) enjoyed delicious Easter lunch of mushrooms and tortellini
3) finished reading a book about a baby whale, Grayson
4) removed every last bit of gunk from our dryer vent and then stood proudly by covered in lint like a baby chic
5) went to (and quickly left) the Royals game Friday night (temperatures below freezing and wind in our faces)
6) welcomed out of town guest and made that guest feel at home
7) got an oil change on the Taurus
8) ate at the “Panda Express” – it was not good

All Settled

Well I am all settled in my new office (er, cubicle). Getting out of that three person broom closet I was working in feels a little like getting out of prison (and immediately put in a different, more spacious one). I like having all new stuff. I will enjoy it while it lasts (I spill a lot).

Well I have got to cut this short today. I have an entire world of television themed troll dolls to set up around my NEW cubicle.

Next Posting: Kansas City Enamored with Self, Borders on Ridiculous

News

2007-04-09T07:27:00.000-06:00

Howdy,

Just an FYI – I am moving offices. I am not sure what my internet access will be today. I hope to post something a little later.

Thanks,

Office Drone Weeps As Move to New Cubicle Delayed

2007-04-05T12:30:00.000-06:00

Well I don’t have a lot of time today. Frankly I am in a bad dang mood. My company was supposed to move into our new office space tomorrow. The move got delayed until Monday. Rumors are swirling around my cubicle that it may be delayed even further. One more day in this quarter-cube nightmare is more than I can stand. I have also already packed all my things. The "higher-ups" told us if we are not packed and ready when they come to move us they are going to start shooting.

Right now I am listening to Royals vs. Red Sox as I work. Today is the American debut of the $100 million dollar kid (Rex Sox pitcher Daisuke Matsuzaka). He has an astounding six different pitches he can throw. The average domestic pitcher has only two pitches he can throw. The debut of the popular Japanese pitcher has brought nearly 200 members of the Japanese media to our sleepy Midwestern town. My guess is that they have been impressed by the sheer size of us Midwestern folk. We are damn big – even for Americans.

And now we will shake the mailbag and see what we find.

Michael from North Carolina wrote…

Your rant about ringtones reminded me of a story I heard this weekend. NYC is mandating that its citizens choose from among 4 ringtone choices chosen by the mayor or something. I guess it'd be better than bad songs, but they weren't great. They were basically 4 different varieties of fart noises.

Hey Michael, your fart joke went over big in DFF land. Well played my friend. Frankly we wouldn’t be at all surprised if NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg did try to mandate the use of city-approved ringtones. DFF has been an outspoken critic of Mayor Bloomberg’s crack down on smoking, Transfats, and walking w/ear-buds. It appears that the people of NYC are willing to take any crackpot legislation he proposes. You know there is some inherent risk in being alive. Mr. Bloomberg can’t legislate all the danger out of living – no mater how much he may want to. My advice for the Mayor – focus more on rearranging your gigantic stacks of money than on turning the good people of NYC in huge pansies.

Tandy from North Carolina wrote…

Adam, this blog was priceless! I have to say, as a friend, I don't like to see you angry, but as a reader, I LOVE IT when you are on angry rants like this!

I am glad you enjoyed my rage. DFF has had enough of ringtones and the priorities of the Mexico City Mayor. We at DFF work hard to please the readers we have – while being careful not to actually gain any new ones. Because of this we are very OPEN to suggestions for content and pretty much “up for anything”. My wife has commented that she likes to see the occasional F-Bomb dropped. We accommodate that. The fact is you will never see a more fan friendly blog. Thanks for writing in.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Knows All Your Tricks, Feels You’re Shameless

Wal-Mart Spied On Me Too

2007-04-04T12:27:00.000-06:00

A fired Wal-Mart employee is now coming clean and telling all about how the company monitors its employees using surveillance systems. I can tell you from working in the bottle return room at a Wal-Mart Super Center that is true. I was fired after only one week on the job! Supervisor Marsha was out to get me from the start. She said some bullshit about me not keeping the bottle return area very clean. They also “eyed” me buying a soda while I was still punched in. That was the straw that broke Marsha’s back. The whole episode is one I would like to forget. They literally stripped me of my smiley face badge and vest. Humiliating – especially since I had gone through a week of their brainwashing training and was enthused.

The British are Free, the British are Free

Three cheers for Iran, who today released all (15) of the British sailors they had plucked from the Persian Gulf in late March. Iranian President Ahmadinejad declared the freeing of the sailor a gift to the British people and offered forgiveness to the sailors for their trespassing into Iranian waters. British Prime Minister Tony Blair said “thanks” and that he would be sending a nice thank you note to Ahmadinejad. He also said that he had scratched plans to “reduce the whole of Iran into one big pile of rubbish.”

Heart Attacks at Work

I have been curious lately as to how many people have their heart attacks at work. I sent an email requesting the research staff here at the Fryer begin studying the issue immediately. They printed off my email, set it on fire and threatened me something fierce (they don’t work on Wednesday’s). So anyway, I will have to look into the matter myself. I got to thinking about this because of the amount of situations I encounter everyday that make me grab my chest and feel the burn. I mean for real people. Dealing with the crazies at an office is just about enough to make the old ticker seize right up. I was in someone’s office today trying to explain a problem that I felt was real simple like. Well that person couldn’t understand the simplicity. I just wanted to scream “your givin’ me chest pains Connie” and “Connie you’re a blockhead.”

Restaurant Review

Oh I don’t know if I can name names…but a certain “sub” shop a little “way” down the road from my office is quite nasty. Well saying that would mean that at some point they were ever any good. I have very little access to cheap/quick lunch and unfortunately that was all I could get to today. The Quizno’s across the street is always jam packed and you really pay extra for the quality. Today I just really needed an over toasted sandwich, but like I said the Quizno’s was to full for believing. Well there was no one in line at the “other” sub shop across the street. I marched in and quickly placed my order for a Veggie Light on wheat (heavy on the mayo). I was horrified when I got back to my desk and unraveled my little sandwich. The bread was old, the lettuce was old, and toasting it had just hardened the whole shit into a nearly inedible men’s shoe. Oh I ate it, but I thought “I am not going back, this time I mean it” and “I have got to stop eating there” and “goodness that tomato tastes funny.” Now my stomach hurts.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Awakens to Find Wife Still Sleeping

Constant Testing of the Fire Alarms Making Office Drone Mad

2007-04-03T12:01:00.000-06:00

This will be short and sweet people. I am leaving work at 2pm today and my boss just sent me an appointment to meet tomorrow at 8am. I stroll in about 7:30 or 7:45 – so I got some prep work to do for this meeting. If you must know, the meeting is about how we can better track our grant deadlines. Sexy isn’t it? I remember when I was 10 and I wanted to pilot a space shuttle or be a reporter for ABC News. Now I am drafting procedures and asking that bitch Tanya for help with the copy machine.

Oh, I do have a major complaint. I have had just about enough of people’s ring tones. I don’t know what would make someone need to turn their cell phone ringer into a jukebox. It is so annoying in meetings. You are sitting there having a conversation and all the sudden someone’s pocket is blasting “Don’t you wish your girlfriend was hot like me” or some other horrible sounding tune. I think people see their ring tone as an opportunity to say something about themselves. I think what it say’s is that you can’t remember to put your phone on vibrate…and you are an asshole. Why would anyone want to tell the world they are a dip who has no social courtesy? My blood pressure just skyrocketed. Oh, oh also I like when people leave their cell phone ringer on at their desk. That way when they are in the toilet their phone will just ring and ring at top volume. Christmas.

Priorities

A story on yahoo news caught my eye today. Mexico City is making the providing of city-wide wireless internet its top priority. Huh? I have never been to Mexico City – but what I hear ain’t good (crime, water shortages, poor air quality, power outages, crime, crime, crime, gangs, crime, super crime). If you ask me I think Mexico City mayor Marcelo Ebrard has once again missed the boat here. That is like someone saying new carpet is their top priority…as their house burns down. Well you have to put the fire before you can redecorate. Senior Ebrard needs to turn the water on the crime problem in Mexico City before providing internets. Somehow I think the only thing resulting from city-wide internet in Mexico is criminals who can print off MapQuest directions to their victim’s homes. Get a clue Senior Ebrard.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Blushes at the Thought

Baby Shower Goes Well, Cake and Punch All Gone

2007-04-02T12:10:00.000-06:00

My weekend was most excellent. We had a baby shower for some friends of ours on Saturday. Sunday we piddled around and drank coffee. The weather here has been kind of amazing. We had a lot of rain and it really greened the whole place up a bit.

Also, today is opening day for the Royals…and though I could not get tickets – I am still pretty excited about it. I know they suck, but I am glad they are staying in KC. We are going out on Friday night to see them play Detroit. You have to catch the Royals early because they are only competitive for the first three days of the season.

Karl Rove Hates Puppies

Top Bush aide Karl Rove is one again earning himself negative publicity, as if the investigation into his potential outing of an undercover CIA agent wasn’t enough. At a recent dinner party Rove provided the entertainment. He donned the persona of a rapper and regaled the crowd with such classic lyrics as “MC Rove tears the head off of critters” and said he liked “tearing the heads off animals” (with hand gestures). DFF has so many questions about this little stunt. Karl Rove a hunter? Of course not. The only thing Mr. Rove is ripping into is the Chip a Hoy bag. This bit of primal machismo from Rove is no doubt only an effort to rile up the ladies over at PETA, shame on you Karl.

No Shit News of the Week

The Airline Quality Ratings report is in – and the results are not good. The recently released study by somebody revealed that airline passengers are dealing with increased delays, lost bags and being bumped from flights. You might say “but DFF I flew a few weeks ago and nothing bad happened to me”. Well you must have flown on Liar Airways. What do you mean nothing bad happened? Anyway. I have flown a lot in my life and I see the biggest problem today as being the lack of a dress code for passengers. I think this causes a lack of civility by the poorly attired. I think when you are dressed nicer you are more apt to act like a solid person. I have literally been appalled to see people flying in sweat pants, bare midriffs, Daisy Duke Shorts, etc. If I owned an airline I would make it mandatory that all the slob clothes be packed in the suitcase. No one would get on any of my airplanes half-dressed and looking more like Britney Spears than Candice Bergen. I would require skirts (long skirts too!) for the ladies and ties for the gentleman. I think my plan would return a lot of decency to American airways. I would also mandate that the in-flight entertainment pass my strictest test for wholesomeness. No more damn Jackie Chan movies with all that violent kicking and innuendo.

Life Regret #236

Regret #236 is a special regret. You might say that it is the regret that I keep on regretting. Okay, so I took a lot of classes about WWI in college. This has benefited me zero. It will never benefit me. My knowledge of Kaiser Wilhelm is wholly unimportant in my current role as a paper-pusher. So my regret is learning a lot more about the Kaiser than I did business. I spent $22K on his ass!

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Learns Hard Lesson, Dies

Hypocrites Lament

2007-03-30T11:55:00.000-06:00

The weather is super shitty here – but I love it. Nothing makes me happier than rain. We had some storms from God last night. Everything was lightning and crackling thunder. It was been real gray and rainy for about a week. My yard looks like a jungle – but it is to wet to cut. Oh, speaking of bumble bees. I actually got chased across my yard yesterday by a big one. It was super aggressive and landed on my arm and chased me all around. I nearly died. It made me want to spray Agent Orange all over my yard and just kill the whole shit.

I don’t know if you ever listen to sports radio – but I have gotten really into the Mike & Mike program on ESPN Radio in the mornings. They also air it on ESPN2 as well. Those guys are so funny. They are always making hilarious bets w/each other. Like right now one of them is going to actually get spanked if Georgetown loses tomorrow in the NCAA Tournament. One of them was going to get tasered in a bet, but the ESPN corporate brass forbid it. I will be able to have a radio back on my desk starting next week, so I will be able to listen to it more. Screw NPR – I like me some sports. The real world makes me wet my bed. I need Iran to be a little more menacing.

New Product Review

Product: Quaker Banana Muffin Bars
Why they be good: I like the taste. They don’t taste like the usual crap-ass pre-packaged baked good. They are low in fat and calories for you weight obsessed masses. Just get them already.

Now the mail…

Ryan from (city withheld) writes…

Dearest D.F.F. First of all, I too feel that there should be a wicked tax on plastic bags or at least recyclers should pay people for them. If there were a reward for collecting them then maybe the homeless would pick them up while they are out walking around all day and they wouldn’t be hassling the rest of us broke people for money.

Second, I was wondering if you get a new cup everyday when you go to Starbucks/McDonalds or do you reuse your cup everyday? Do you see the irony in reusing grocery bags once every week or two, and daily throwing your coffee cup away after one use?

Hello Ryan, I like your thinking – giving the homeless a reason to collect plastic bags is an excellent idea. Opening a new stream of revenue for vagrants can’t be a bad thing.

Secondly, I sense that my perceived hypocrisy has drawn your ire. Well, when it comes to my environmental policy I subscribe to the theory that you do what you can do. Not everyone can do everything. But just because you can’t do everything doesn’t mean you can’t do something. You have to pick the spots that most fit into your life. For instance, I waste a lot of McDonalds / Starbucks cups – but I take the bus most days of the week. I can waste a lot of cups…but still feel like a better person than most other people.

Cathi from New York write…

Well lugging groceries home without a bag is a small price to pay if it will keep them off of the chain gang team plowing the streets.

Here my sister is referring to some “off the record” comments I made around age 11. Sensing that the baby boom generation may very well bankrupt the treasury – I devised a plan to keep boomers working well past their prime. Though my plan did involve using them as human snow plows, it should be noted that as I got older I became a fan of the elderly (particularly my grandmother). Sister, let us not dwell on the horrifying ideology of my youth.

Well that is about it for me. This concludes another week here in the Fryer. May your own dreams be as mine are, golden brown and tinged with grease.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Hears it From Wife, Cut the Bullshit Dude

Paper or Plastic? How’s About Neither

2007-03-29T12:01:00.000-06:00

San Francisco is preparing to become the first U.S. city with a ban on plastic grocery bags. Plastic grocery bags are responsible for creating huge amounts of garbage. They are also made by using a large amount of petroleum based products. And hey everyone, my god let us not forget about the children. Kids wear them as hats and die in droves. These things are a menace.

Okay, I am going to come down from my bully pulpit here. Do what you want. But know that my wife and I have been using canvas grocery bags for years. I like when the cashiers looks at us like we just come in from outer space. KC is not exactly a hotbed of environmentalism. If I were mayor of KC I would not have banned the plastic bags. I would just impose a hefty tax on them (and then totally use the money to fuel a kick ass coke habit). If I were mayor I would want to punish my constituents, just in general, and also for not being good stewards of the environment. I like to imagine an old lady deciding if she would rather pay $2 for a bag or just scoop everything up in her weak arms. I never said my term as mayor wouldn’t involve inconveniencing an elderly or two.

More Java Please

I have really gotten addicted to the new McDonald’s coffee. That is to say that I will do anything to get to it. I wonder if they are putting some addictive chemical in it. Oh, I guess that is the caffeine. The price also gives me a little perk, only .99 for the small size. Starbucks gouges me for $1.67 for the same size. I have never been a frequent visitor to the McDonalds. But my new addiction to their java has opened me up to a whole new world. A couple of observations: 1) they have a lot of chunky-butts customers. That is really my only observation – they got a lot of biggies in line. I have always thought myself a fiercely loyal Starbucks customer – but I like what McDonalds is selling me.

The war between the two great powers – McDonalds and Starbucks – has really captivated my imagination. Ask my wife, I talk about it all the time. I am tormented by whom to choose for my morning coffee. I really like the price at McDonalds, and they are making top notch breakfast smells. But I also like how Starbucks writes my name on my cup and I prefer the overall experience there. But it is worth the 50 extra cents to have my name written on a cup? Well we will just see how this shakes out. The most important thing to know is that this competition for my coffee dollar is literally the most important thing in my life right now.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Crushed by Burden of Not Being the Family Bread Winner

Emboldened Office Drone Gets the Nerve to ask for Better Pens

2007-03-28T12:14:00.000-06:00

Today’s lunch has been a bit disappointing. When I went to make my PB&J this morning all I found were the last two pieces of bread in the bag (both end heels). The whole sandwich was real dry like. Lucky for me I was able to supplement w/a little vegetable soup from the place across the street. Crisis averted.

Tonight is a big night in my house. Tonight marks the start of 7 consecutive brand new episodes of the CBS program “Jericho”. I have survived the long Christmas hiatus and a couple of reruns in March – now I will get my reward. This is a show my wife dislikes so much that she has made plans to never be in the house whilst it airs. So really I am the only one in my house excited. I am really trying to enjoy this show because one of two things will happen. Either the show will begin to resemble the bullshit / science fiction crap on “Lost”, or it will stay good and just get canceled. Wish me luck in my TV watching!

Housing Crisis?

I would be naughty if I did not mention the housing crisis. I read (okay, watch) a lot of news and the housing market has been a top story for several weeks. Judging from the way the media makes it out to be average Americans are being foreclosed on and thrown out of their houses by the thousands. Oh wait, I guess that is true. The media is right. The hullabaloo centers on these so called “sub-prime” mortgages. In a nutshell a sub-prime mortgage is a trick-ass mortgage designed to let everyone and their shit qualify for a home loan. The trick comes in the form of interest rates that skyrocket after the introductory “teaser” rate. The teasing normally lasts a year or two before the higher payments kick in. Basically a lot of poor people w/bad credit got these loans. Now the hen has come home to roost or whatever. A lot of these people never reviewed their mortgage paperwork and have been shocked to find out their monthly payments have jumped hundreds of dollars (and in one case millions). Many Americans are already squished under juicy layers of credit card debt and can’t afford the increase. That is when Mr. or Ms. Bank comes knocking and takes the house back. I am just lucky that my wife was with me when we signed for our house. I’ll sign anything that is put in front of me – she is much choosier.

On the Road Again

I just got a phone call from my boss that I have to go to Wichita, KS in a few weeks for three days. I never get sent anywhere good. At least I can order room service – which is my favorite thing in the world. Eating and not having to pay for it ranks right up at the top of my list of the best things about life. Also, I suspect the hotel has cable. This automatically makes it better than our house. I have never been deep in the heart of Kansas – so I am anxious to see what I see. Maybe I will spot the elusive Kansas Democrat or an actual sun flower. I am extremely nervous by nature and I can already tell you that driving out into the middle of Kansas during peak tornado season really sets off my panic sensors. You always see those stories about those dumb people trying to out drive a tornado on the interstate. They always end up hiding under an overpass and being hit upside the head by an airborne tractor or steers.

Quote of the Week

“I am glad I packed my extra underwear today.”

This was said by the woman sitting behind me this morning as my commuter bus skidded to a complete stop and came just inches away from starting a massive rush-hour pile-up on Interstate 35. It is funny the noises people make when they are unexpectedly whipped forward in their seats. I go “woe, woe” – like I was trying to get a horse to stop.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Carries Small Piece of Cake Back to Desk, Eats out of the Limelight

Big Damn Frog

2007-03-27T12:06:00.000-06:00

There was an awesome story on CNN.com early today about a dog sized frog that was found in Australia. Man that thing was huge. The best part is the look on the frogs face as that proud “Aussie” holds him aloft. He looked exhausted. Apparently these big fat toads are threats to nearly every species in Australia. They eat a lot (see link below). The Australians catch the frogs, burn 'em and return them to the ground as fertilizer.

http://www.cbn.com/CBNnews/126571.aspx

Spring Time

Well it is another warm spring day in the big city. I am just loving this weather. Who knew a little sunshine and warm weather could cure 6 months of some of the toughest blues around. Much like the giant dogwood tree in our yard – I feel reborn. My goals for the springtime are as follows:

1) See Royals baseball game the first week of the season (before they are out of contention). The Royals are notoriously slow starters (they are also slow in the middle of the season and at the end of it).
2) Find out what all the fuss about lawn mowing is about. I have purchased the necessary safety goggles and believe I am up for the challenge. I don’t want to be the jackass at the ER with twigs in my eyes.
3) Get house painting scheduled.
4) Buy a big honkin’ weed whacker and kick a little weed ass.
5) Turn 24 years-old (you heard me right). No, the explosive growth of my eyebrows gives me away as someone much closer to 30 than 20. I need them to be just a little fuller (sarcasm). On a haircut recently my hair cutting lady asked me if I would like a razor run over them. I said “NO you may not, I am not some old coot who needs his eyebrows shaved.”

Entertainment News

This isn’t so much news…but a #$% complaint. Where is The Office? What is going on here? I had thought the show was supposed to be back last week w/new episodes. I don’t think it is new this week either. Come on NBC – quit ^&* with me.

Mail Bag

Ryan from (city withheld) wrote…

As I am not a fan of Kansas (the entire statenot just the school). I was elated to see that they lost on Saturday. I was wondering if you knew any actual graduates from KU? Personally I don’t think that anyone graduates from KU they just keep taking philosophy classes, smoke marijuana and ride their bicycles around Lawrence rambling on about injustice and free speech. As William Quantrell once said Lawrence is a nice place to visit, but I wouldn’t wantto live there.

Hey Ryan, you raise an interesting point about people actually graduating from KU. I am not even sure they have ever even held a graduation ceremony. I know I blame KU entirely for my half-completed Master’s. Judging from your reference to William Quantrill you are student of Kansas history. Mr. Quantrill most definitely didn’t want to live in Lawrence. As a matter of fact his only visit resulted in the death of 400 men and boys and the burning of nearly every building in town (he led the Lawrence Massacre, 1863). As for modern day Kansas, well I am not fan either. What is with all the references to sun flowers? I have been to Kansas on a number of occasions and have never seen even one of those things. Seems like a case of false advertising to me. All I see when I’m out there is a bunch doped up soybean suckers with “Vote Dole” stickers on their pick-up truck bumpers.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Boils Up Fun with Bow Tie Pasta Class

Brother, Can You Spare $3

2007-03-26T12:14:00.000-06:00

Apparently inflation is hitting everyone pretty hard these days. This homeless individual I bumped into this morning on my walk to work asked me for $3. Three damn dollars! I guess he must have had his eye on something. Whatever happened to begging for a dime or a quarter? It appears the homeless have wised up and realized you can’t get anything for less than a dollar. Well holy smokes, I don’t even have $3 and I work. This particular homeless fellow said his “car” was out of gas. I suspected his “car” was actually nothing more than a dew soaked cardboard box – and what it was actually out of was booze. I turned him down flat. I had images of me telling him that I am homeless myself, and that I actually just spent my last $200 dollars on the IPod and latte I was holding.

Weekend Highlights

Well another weekend has come and gone. It was a pretty busy weekend. I had planned to catch up on my periodicals – but I was foiled. Our house is much like a demanding toddler. It is a need machine. So much of the weekend was spent acquiring the things that will make the house happy for a minute or two.

I did get to piddle around in the yard for a while…which is totally fun. I got down and dirty hosing off the garage doors. I like the sense of pride that goes with such a pointless task.

We did get to eat at the new Red Robin restaurant that just opened by our house. It is a chain burger joint. It was a pretty tasty experience. I have been thinking about their onion rings pretty non-stop ever since. Burgers are their specialty. I don’t eat meat – but they make at least two vegetarian burger options. If you have any little ones I would suggest taking them down there pretty quickly. They have a big red bird-person that walks around the restaurant and delights ALL the kiddies. They make plenty of balloons available as well. While the staff was overworked, they did provide excellent service. Some of the things I didn’t like: oversized menus, pricey prices, wait time for a table, one of the ketchup bottles on the table was empty, and stupid clapping by the staff celebrating customer birthdays. I would totally go back right now if you would come and pick me up.

The wife scored a major victory down at the Macy’s. I bought a sweater there and it ripped after I got it (no fault of my own – I am sedentary). This Macy lady didn’t want to give me all the money back that I had paid for the sweater because I failed to produce any receipt or tags. The wife pointed out that she should be able to look up the transaction in the computer w/my credit card. Then the wife asked that the store manager be called. I ended up getting all my money back for the sweater. The wife was voted “hero of the day” in our house. The wife later produced a delicious lasagna. This further cemented her position as my hero.

DFF Favorite Snack

Grapes!

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Can’t Leave Well Enough Alone, Sets Wicker Furniture Ablaze

Happy Anniversary to Deep Fat Fryer

2007-03-23T11:36:00.000-06:00

Today marks a major milestone in the short life of the Deep Fat Fryer blog. This is our 50th posting. People this marks the longest I have ever stuck w/anything. I am huge quitter by nature. No body walks away from stuff better or faster than me (see unfinished Master’s degree referenced below). But this I seem to be able to do. But don’t piss me off though, I’m looking for a reason.

So I have returned from being out of the office for a couple of days. I told you I would come back. My entire job was to make sure all 25 participants of this hazmat exercise were outfitted w/the gear they needed. It was quite glamorous yes. I started by assigning each of them a little handheld radio. Next I determined the type of vest and badge they needed based on their role in the exercise. After that I assigned them a hardhat and a spare battery for their radio. At this point I asked that they initial on the sign in sheet that they received all this equipment. I informed them that all of the equipment MUST be turned in after the exercise is over. After that they were out of my hair and onto the exercise.

Rainy Season
The rainy season in Kansas City has started and I have never been more wetter. Not that I am not grateful for every drop of rain we get – I just wish that we could spread it around a little more. We get all our rain in the span of two weeks. The rest of the year we are dry as an old bag of crap. Spring in KC also means the potential for tornado outbreaks. The wife and I are still debating on which area of our basement will be our “safe room”. I tell her the small room that holds our hot water heater is probably safest because it is smallest. Well she doesn’t want to be that close to a “gas line” if we get hit. So we are kind of still debating. My gut tells me we will still be debating even as the tornado sirens are wailing and we can’t hear each other shouting over the roar of a twister.

Weekend Agenda
This weekend will be a special one. No…just joking. All weekends in the suburbs are about the same. You go to the Target, you go to the Lowe’s and you eat at a chain restaurant. The only real option you get is which chain restaurant. It is as close to excitement as it gets in the suburbs. And with that in mind…we present my weekend agenda.
1) Having family over for chain restaurant meal and card playing (Liverpool rummy is my game), there will be some kids and they will be cute.
2) Begin to ready “casa” for baby shower bash next weekend. This is a couple’s shower – which means I am VERY involved. No – just kidding. I don’t know anything about party planning. But what I can do is move a buffet table into position like nobody’s business.
3) Catch up on zzzzz’s
4) Catch up on reading material, which consists of magazine I checked out from the library.
5) Visit library and check out more free magazines.
6) Take home a bunch of work from the office. Ha, ha, gotcha on that one. No…I actually probably didn’t.

Allergy Season
On Monday I sneezed what I thought was just a normal-ass sneeze. But it turns out it wasn’t a normal sneeze. It was the sneeze that ushered in my spring allergy season. My allergies run in 7 days episodes. For the first four days my nose runs and I can’t breathe or sleep. My taste and appetite are greatly diminished. For the next three days my taste and appetite slowly return, my nose runs less. But I become a sneeze and coughing machine. My coughing is really explosive, like it is on fire. I can’t see it coming. I will be sitting at my desk quietly not working…and all the sudden I have myself a coughing fit. I am gracious enough to leave the room and go have it out in our designated break area. My allergies are worse than anything you’ve ever had.

Deep Fat Fryer Notable Meal of the Week
My usual eatery was closed yesterday so they could celebrate their employees (it is a company cafeteria). I usually eat there on a discount because they think that me being a big white dude in khaki pants and a polo shirt makes me an employee there. But w/their cafeteria being closed I had to look elsewhere for my lunch. I decided to try out the deli where I sometimes get coffee. They have lunch options that are kind of expensive if you are in the market for a whole meal. I sought only a supplement to my pb&j sandwich. Their “soup de jour” was a broccoli white cheddar soup. I said “I’ll have that” and scurried back to my office to taste. It was unbelievably good people. I am talking high quality soup at a price I could afford ($2.79 for the small). The wife gives me $3 a day for food and beverage. The soup consisted of pretty much only heavy cream.

I went back today to check and see if they had leftovers maybe. They did not. I informed the gentleman behind the counter of my affinity for yesterday’s soup. He said it had been made by the person who is trying to buy the business. I will be rooting for this person to secure financing and make me soup everyday for the rest of my life. Today’s soup was bad. It tasted like SpaghettiO® gravy (it was not made by the person who made the broccoli cheddar).

Basketball News
The Kansas University men’s basketball team advanced in the NCAA tournament last night w/a win over those butt-wipers from Southern Illinois. KU will play on Saturday for the right to advance to the Final Four in sexy Atlanta, GA. I paid that university a bunch of money a while back for half a Master’s degree. You can damn well bet that I will revel in the success of their sports teams as if I had finished the damn thing.

Next Posting: Kansas City Dislocates Knee While Juggling Slick Hot Pocket

Traumatic Childhood Memory #345

2007-03-20T12:03:00.000-06:00

Recollection of conversation w/my grandfather (I’m age 8 – he is very old)

Me: (watching Cosby Show and laughing it up at the antics of a Mr. Bill Cosby)
Grandpa: What are you watchin’ boy?
Me: Cosby Show
Grandpa: How can you watch that?
Me: I like the Cosby Show
Grandpa: No you don’t.
Me: I do.
Grandpa: No you don’t.
Me: (confused)

What followed was my grandfather’s “n-word” peppered diatribe on how African-Americans (Bill Cosby especially) wronged my VERY white family. My guess is that my grandpa was not very happy when I stayed tuned for “A Different World”. To this day I am still a little fuzzy on what exactly Bill Cosby did to my family. I can’t ask because grandps passed.

Move Coordinator

So I have told you all that my company's offices are being renovated and next week my department is moving to our new space. Well today I was both honored and humbled when my department head asked that your truly serve as one of the two “moving coordinators” for our department. My responsibility is to know every answer to the questions that the other 13 people in my department have about the move. This will include telling them how to label their boxes, making sure they know the moving company will NOT move their potted plants or pocketbooks, telling them when to be ready for the movers, etc. I have promised each of them that my week long reign as co-moving coordinator will be a fair and justice based one. My sincerest hope is that at some point I get to yell “you better get those trinkets in that box or else” at that pecker Keith.

Where Did These People Come From?

My anger at Bush and the folks he surrounds himself w/has at times been quite intense these past 6 years. Now don’t go getting me wrong. This has nothing to do with the war. When it comes to defending America I am as hawkish as you are. I say “spread American power on thick baby” and “if you cross us – so help you Jesus Our Lord”. I have never argued w/war in general. I understand that war can sometimes be necessary to get us all some juicy oil. But I do like my wars well run and relatively short. Gulf War I was a good example of the kind of war I can cozy up against. It was lightening quick and NO occupation. Gulf War II has dragged a bit and now does feature an occupation. Where was I going with all this? Oh yes, my anger at Bush has subsided as his term is coming to a close. But one thing I can’t stop thinking about is this. Who did the hiring for that administration? Where did all these loony-birds came from? Cheney, Rumsfeld, Karl Rove, Scooter Libby, Alberto Gonzalez, Harriet Myers, etc, etc, etc. I am sure I have left out about a dozen other people. These people are crazy. It is as if they all graduated from the University of Not Following the Laws of America, a place where all the coursework centers around breaking the law and getting revenge on your enemies. They must have skipped class a lot because they don’t even appear to be all that good at it.

Special Info

Anyone who knows me knows that I only have two things I value, being dependable and my shoe lift. I take a lot of pride in being as dependable as that old foreign car you don’t have the money to replace. So I wanted to let you know that the postings for Wednesday and Thursday will definitely not appear at lunch tomorrow. I have a work obligation offsite the next two days. Now don’t go getting all nervous, I may try and post something Wednesday or Thursday night. I expect to have a big day tomorrow. I will be sitting at a registration table and checking in hungry men and women attending a training my company is putting on.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Surges Ahead of Sister in Race for the Cure

2007-03-19T11:46:00.000-06:00

Highlights of the Weekend that Was

1) We attended a wedding for my sister-in-law and her beau over the weekend. The bride wore a black and white dress and the groom wore a red shirt and black pants. There were some little girls and they wore little girl clothes. The service was capped off by the ritualistic mixing of their proverbial sands. The reception featured cake and punch. After the reception the bride and groom were whisked away in their chariot to the posh Elm’s Resort for a weekend of delights. My role in this whole thing was just to keep from losing it. You don’t want me at your wedding – I am a very emotional guest.
2) The clean out of our basement is going well. I donated a whole bunch of crap to a thrifty store on Saturday. Included in my donation was a 50 year-old Christmas tree (nicknamed Old Christmasy). I figured I couldn’t just walk in and drop the Christmas tree off. I went in and asked the nice old lady at the donation counter if she was accepting donations of rank ass Christmas trees. She seemed eager…and did ask that I bring it in and set it up for her. I had to drag all the poles, rubber bands and branches in and assemble the little 6-foot miracle. To my surprise she seemed quite pleased w/it…her exact words were something like “oh heavens, that is a nice tree”. I told it was all hers and got the hell out of there. I also donated a whole bunch of my super tight sweaters. These are leftovers from my “wear a super tight sweater” bachelor era. I used to really think that pouring my big body into a skin tight sweater would really impress some ladies.
3) What is with a house? I have to say – I knew that houses were work…but what is with these things? I need five more things to break (sarcasm). Last night as I lay in bed I swear I could actually hear new things breaking.
4) I got my trusty ladder out and finally, finally removed bird crap from the front of our house. It was in a very prominent place and I am not even sure how it got there. I think those birds fling that shit.
5) My NCCA tournament bracket took a hit on Thursday when I forgot to fill out my bracket.

Entrepreneurial Decision

In a hasty decision I have decided I would like to start my own “cottage industry” or “home based business”. This would be in addition to my regular job as a belligerent paper pusher. The problem I am having is that I can’t come up with any good ideas. I have literally been thinking about this for a day. I need something that I can do after work and on the weekends. Trouble is I’m a lazy fuck. I don’t like to be bothered with obligations and people. I like to keep my TV loud and my phone quiet. But I also could use me a tax shelter too. If anyone has any ideas please email me at adam2840@yahoo.com. The wife gives me about $30 a month and that is pretty much what I have for the start-up costs.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Likens Self to Modern Day Jesus, Corrected By Friends

Sexy Time for Japanese Declines

2007-03-15T12:00:00.000-06:00

Researches at the Japanese Family Planning Institute have reached some startling conclusions about the state of affairs in Japanese bedrooms. Not much is going on in there; it is a real “drought” if you know what I mean. Know what I mean? Japan already suffers from one of the lowest birthrates in the world. Researchers are calling these latest findings proof of a real crisis. A random survey of 2,700 people there revealed that the problem cuts across both married and single lines. Nearly everyone polled reported a “shameful Japanese freeze” in their boudoirs. No word on the cause.

Suburbs + Kids = My Rage

Am I stupid? When we moved to the suburbs four months ago I knew it would be a change. But I had no idea how many children were there. I mean come on. The first few days of spring and all the sudden our street is filled with them. These people are everywhere. They are in the road, playing hopscotches on the sidewalk, lodged under my tires. I don’t know if I really “get” children. What are they doing? A lot of them are yelling at each other and acting like actual idiots. They seem to have no owners – they are just allowed to run free and unleashed. I also don’t understand the decibel level at which they speak at one another. It seems to be a lot of loudness for no reason. And what is with that enthusiasm? As anyone told them that in just a few short years they will be wedged into a cubicle and given 50 hours a week to complete an amount of work that no one could possibly do? If I was them I would start getting depressed REAL soon. School might tell you are special, unique and a gift to the world, the corporate world will tell you to wipe that dumb look off your face.

Quote of the Week I

“Go hang”

That was embattled Zimbabwe President Robert Mugabe on blistering criticism from western nations that his government uses brutality to crush opposition. Mugabe’s 27 year-term is set to expire the 15th of never.

Quote of the Week II

“Ah shit, we’re screwed dudes. Our asses are gonna be handbags man.”

That was a member of a newly discovered species of leopard found in Borneo speaking to friends.

Flip-flops and Mortgages Make Strange Bedfellows

Speculation is running rampant that retail giant Wal-Mart may begin offering home mortgages. Wal-Mart has long sought access to the personal banking sector. Government regulators fear that this could result in the kind of carnage Wal-Mart already inflicted upon rival hardware, grocery and retails stores. Wal-Mart has said that it is not trying to hurt anyone except the people that are standing directly in its path. Our calls to their corporate headquarters went unanswered – but none of us were sure if we had the right number anyway.

Well that concludes another week here at the Deep Fat Fryer. Thanks to all are parishioners who keep this cash cow a rollin’.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Studied for Possible Case of Dumb Luck

Greased Up Paper Pusher

2007-03-14T12:12:00.000-06:00

I think the way I treat my computer work station at my place of business would be enough to give any IT person a heart attack. My main problem seems to be keeping all my beverages upright. I normally am working two beverages, with the leftovers of the previous days somewhere in the mix. Right now I am looking at three drinks on my desk. One of them is a McDonald’s coffee cup, the other is a coffee mug and then I have a glass of water for health. I can keep the coffee mug in place, its heavy – but the glass of water and the McDonalds coffee are always falling over. The question is more one of when they fall over how much will be in them, and how much stuff is getting ruined. I can’t tell you how many invoices of mine are coffee stained. Actually I can tell…all of them are. I also like to keep one of my drinks by the phone. That way I can always have something to knock over when the phone rings. More than once I have answered the phone with not a hello but a “shit, can you wait a minute I spilled my drink”.

Yesterday was a first for me though. I got a salad for lunch and I was trying to stir in 16 ounces of thick dressing. I am not entirely sure what happened but when I looked up at my monitor I had ranch dressing all over it. It really made quite a mess. My keyboard is also greasy from me typing while I eat, so is my phone, scanner and adding machine. I used to occasionally take advantage of the wet wipes my company provided – but they don’t offer them anymore. Because of this my office equipment stays mainly greased up.

Last week I started bringing my breakfast to work as well. So now I am eating two of my main meals and many snacks right here in this crap-ass quarter cube. In two weeks I will be getting a new cubicle with new furniture (and two more walls!). I am looking forward to breaking that puppy in.

The lesson here is that people should not eat lunch (or breakfast) at their desk. It makes you a nasty and dirty person.

Sunshine Week

This week is Sunshine Week. This is the week that the National Society of Newspaper Editors has created to highlight openness in government and freedom of information. We even had a reporter nosing around my office last week trying to investigate something or other. But the trick to get rid of them is – get this – if you ask who they are and who they are with they have to tell you the truth. For example, we had this one lady who was trying to get a secret report from us (this report is totally ours and not hers). She was all “I need this report” and we were all “who in heck are you”. I make it seem like it was a tense standoff but really it was all polite and everyone was in a super good mood about it (the Midwest sucks).

Stock Market Update

The Stock Market is down today, down big time people. It is below the 12,000 point mark. It better go back up – because frankly I put every last dime my family had into it. My financial planner Maurice told me it was probably the safest thing someone could do with $475.00.

Stock in DFF’s parent company Hiccup Corp. remained unchanged at .85 a share.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Draws Great Reviews for Appearance in Freeway Collision this Morning

Excuses, Excuses

2007-03-13T13:38:00.000-06:00

Oh boy, what a day. Very rarely in a day do I do much of anything. But today I have had coworkers and supervisors asking me all kinds of questions and wanting me to produce actual work. I even had a couple of outside phone calls today. Because of this I am running very late today.

I had to go out at lunch and buy pants. Yes you have spotted a recurring theme. Long story there – but all my work pants are way short. They look like pants one would wear when digging for crabs or mopping up the floor of a soggy basement. Needless to say they are not very appropriate for someone in my position (lazy paper pusher). I need to look like the not so young entry level drone I really am. This means khaki pants, khaki pants and more khaki pants. For me only the Eddie Bauer pants will do, they are cut very generously through the seat(though you pay for it).

I don’t like the way Eddie Bauer tries to up-sell me. First they follow me around the store asking if I need any help finding anything. I don’t. Then they want to know how it went in the fitting room. Not well. The thighs of all their pants are too roomy for my chicken legs. They can’t do anything about that they say. I finally settle on some pants and they want to know if I want an Eddie Bauer “line of credit”. I don’t. Then they want me to sign up for a”membership club” and be eligible for Eddie Points which are good for free stuff. I do. The questions just continue throughout the whole experience. Very exhausting. Thanks to the unusually warm weather I was quite a sweaty mess when I finally sat back down at my desk two hours later and ate my lunch.

The rest of my day has been spent in the office of my boss waiting for a call back from a bureaucrat at the state. Like that hot old lady down at the Cinnabon – they say they’ll call…but they never do. When they finally did call back they mostly just blamed us and told us they couldn’t help us.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Cleans Out Garage, Wife’s Beanie Baby Collection Too

Office Drone Forgets Protocol, Burps at Boss

2007-03-12T12:25:00.000-06:00

Actual Outfit of an Elderly Person at My Gym Yesterday

Tennis shoes, wind pants, shorts on over the wind pants, knit cap, two towels tucked into the wind pants, cut off sweatshirt exposing his entire midsection

This old guy just wore this getup like it was the most normal thing in the world. Did he see anyone else with their stomach out?

Weekend Wrap-Up

1) Ate Alfredo
2) Old Christmas tree in basement made it as far me picking it up and deciding next weekend was better for me
3) Basement is taking on water – this produced mildewed cardboard, which generated cat piss smell
4) Ate at the Bravo Italiano restaurant – waiter was overly informative, absent minded
5) Purchased caulking gun from Lowe’s, no more excuses
6) New neighbors moved in next door – literally some of the biggest folks I have ever seen
7) Purchased, installed full-length mirror for wife

Fred Thompson Declares Bid for White House

Actor and former Republican U.S. Senator Fred Thompson declared his intentions to run for president in 2008. Many of you may not be familiar with the work Mr. Thompson did in the U.S. Senate. I was not either. He is better known as an “actor”. I myself remembered him immediately from a brief role on the TV show “Roseanne”. Thompson played the ruthless shift supervisor at Wellman Plastics, where Roseanne was an employee. Him and Roseanne came to blows over the quotas he was setting for her and the other ladies. I didn’t like him then and I don’t like him now.

Fun facts about Fred Thompson: anti gay marriage, pro-life, supports increase in Iraq troop levels, opposes gun control, wants Scooter Libby pardoned

With a platform like that…I just don’t see how he can go wrong.

Mayans to Clean Up After Bush

As Bush makes his way down through South America not everyone is happy to see him. Mayan Indians in Guatemala are ticked that Bush will be speaking at one of their most holy sites. The group plans to purify the area after Bush is done speaking. No comment from Bush on if the move will hurt his feelings. I’m going to start spraying Windex on my TV after Bush speaks – this will purify my boobtoob and show solidarity to my Mayan brothers and sisters.

Sports News

It is time to fill out your dang NCCA basketball tournament brackets. It starts this week. I am picking the Syracuse Orangeman to win the whole thing. Oh wait, they didn’t make it in. What a bunch of garbage that is. They let those fartknockers from Oral Roberts in – but no Syracuse. Screw the whole shit anyway.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Aging Gracefully, Is Real Braggy About It Too

Office Drone Ready for Weekend of Relaxation, After Week of Doing Nothing

2007-03-09T12:21:00.000-06:00

Weekend Agenda

1) Eat alfredo (sauce) and noodles
2) Take old X-Mas tree to Salivation Army
3) Pick-up new screen door at hardware store, thank old man there for “rush job”
4) Drop off homemade molasses to homeless Malaysians
5) Put away winter wardrobe (hats, boots, mittens, long underwears, short underwears)
6) Find out what smells like cat piss is in the basement (hope it is not stray cats)
7) Think about love and relationships in advance of impromptu toast at sister-in-law’s wedding next week
8) Watch United Flight 93 movie – remind wife again of significance of that day

Quote of the Week

"There are times that I have fallen short of my own standards. There's certainly times when I've fallen short of God's standards."

This was former Republican Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich on his laundry list of immoral activity (dating his high school math teacher, asking his wife for divorce during her cancer treatment, having an affair with a lady 20 years younger than him, etc, etc, etc). Why is Gingrich coming clean now you ask? Some believe he is airing his dirty laundry in advance of a possible 2008 White House bid. Newty consistently ranks as one of the most beloved figures in the Republican Party. Gingrich is often credited for working directly with Jesus Christ in 1994 to lead the so called “Republican Revolution”, which returned the Republicans to Congressional power for the first time in decades.

Quote of the Week II

"I feel very strongly that 'curves' are natural, womanly and real."

This was actress Kate Winslet on coming out victorious in her lawsuit against a tabloid that claimed she had sought help for a weight problem she doesn’t even have. Winslet has been an outspoken critic of the pressure Hollywood puts on ladies to stay razor thin. I do believe that singer / song writer Sir Mix-A-Lot said it better than any of us ever could in his smash hit “Baby Got Back”. Sir said “I'm tired of magazines sayin' flat butts are the thing, take the average black man and ask him that, she gotta pack much back.”

Sad News of the Week…

Reports that the U.S. job market is slowing to its lowest growth in two years…deep sigh, deep sigh.

Reminder

Saturday night we need to spring our clocks forward to comply with the government’s orders. DFF has been an outspoken critic of this new, earlier date of the “spring forward”. Despite our dire warnings it looks as if this is going to happen. Don’t call me when your coffee maker is an hour late with your java Sunday morning.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Spends Four Nights on the Couch for Lambasting Bebe Neuwirth to Wife

Tips for Spring Cleaning

2007-03-08T13:25:00.000-06:00

As I mentioned in yesterday’s post – spring cleaning time is now upon us. I myself began a little early this year. Each year I choose a new motto. This year it is “big clean machine”. With a new home the amount of work and chores seems endless. Organization and cleanliness have become paramount at our little casa. I thought to myself - I bet I could create a list of helpful ideas on how to make spring cleaning easier and more fun - people would really love me for that.

Here are my top 10 tips for your 2007 spring cleaning season.

1) Some spring cleaning experts will tell you to start small, with a manageable project. I like to tell people “start big”. For your first project choose something enormous. As our first project this year my wife and I are constructing a “panic room” to protect against something or other.
2) Trash etiquette dictates that objects for the land fill shouldn’t be placed at the curb until the night before pick-up. Forget about that – put it out when YOU are ready. Don’t let a municipal waste company or neighborhood association tell you how much longer you have to hang onto that old credenza. I myself have already placed an entire living room set at the end of my driveway – and our bulky item pick-up day isn’t for another month.
3) One should always be terrified of bugs when cleaning those little used closets, corners or bathrooms. The worst thing that can happen is for you to come in contact with an insect. If you do come across one – careful during the ensuing panic. I nearly knocked myself unconscious last year.
4) Put in your favorite cassette and let the music inspire you while you clean. I like country music – but you can pick whatever gets you off that couch and into that filthy garage or dead grandparent’s room.
5) Clutter is your enemy. Throw out those old Hummel figurines and any busts of Elvis Presley. Throw them out.
6) Live with a slob? Threaten to abandon that person. My guess is they will probably be doing every dish and vacuuming every crumb before you can even get an attorney on the horn.
7) Children messy? Tell them you are disappointed with them and you will use their college fund to purchase their Asian replacements. If you children actually are adopted Asians – tell them you will purchase a real American if they don’t clean up their shit.
8) Want to inspire others? Make it known to your family and friends that you are on a major cleaning binge. Tell them if they don’t join you in tidying up their lives they risk your judgment.
9) If your desk / office is messy consider asking your secretary or a vulnerable coworker to help you clean it. Don’t be afraid to shred files. 99% of all paper in office file drawers is useless and filled with poorly drawn cartoon figures (at least mine are!).
10) Once you have organized your house and office, inspired others and ditched your dirty spouse you can sit back and enjoy the fruits of your labor.

Happy Cleaning Season!

Kansas City Man Rewrites Resume, Omits Part about Being Lazy Sack

Ronald McDonalds Turns Over in Grave

2007-03-07T12:23:00.000-06:00

I stopped this morning at a McDonald’s to get some coffee. I made a beeline for the counter not stopping to look around. When I received my coffee and turned around my breath was nearly taken away. For the McDonald’s of old had been torn asunder. I suspected that if that dumb old McDonald clown walked though the door he wouldn’t quite know where he was. Everywhere I looked sat leather furniture, cushy chairs, fake plants and soft lighting. Customers lounged about on the couches as if they were at a spa in Sal Paulo – and not at a McDonald’s buttressing an industrial park. What is next for this American institution? Could a ban on children be far behind? One would hope, one would hope.

Computer Recycling

It is a momentous day in my life. The computer and monitor I have hauled around in my car (and stored in our garage) for the past 3 years has finally made its way to the electronics recycling depot. It is something I have been meaning to do for years – but this morning the stars aligned for me. I never thought I would be rid of that particular set of rubbish. I am on an early spring cleaning mission. I will stop at nothing to organize my life into the junk-free state that the Lord God himself intended (see Matthews 34:14 “and you sinner will take out that trash and have haste about it”). Finally a Biblical suggestion I can do.

Question about the Spelling of Terd

Yesterday I used the word “terd” in the blog post (I know, class move). A comment was left questioning the spelling (should it be terd or turd?). Instead of working this morning I looked into the matter. The consensus seems to be that we are both right…but in a larger way you are right. I have never been more wrong. I based my spelling off of information from urbandictionary.com. I doubled checked on dictionary.com and they think it is spelled t-U-r-d. They even offered a definition – “a piece of excrement”. Tee-hee. So I guess I am the turd for not knowing how to spell turd. We here at DFF take the utmost care in fact checking and spell checking every carefully chosen item that is posted. These kinds of mistakes will not be tolerated. I have warned the staff of impending whoopins at our next retreat.

Other Comment from Yesterday (response to Cathi in New York)

I feel your pain about the cold weather. Having lived in that particular part of the country I am well aware that March can be quite a LION. Hang in there – you only have 3 more months of winter to go. Three months after that the snow will finally melt. Now your question about bitterness, were you referring to my meal at the Chili’s or being old and childless? I was not being sarcastic about the Chili’s – that place is the cuisine de jour of America. As for kids, well in almost no time we will have them (I will be sick of them quick and take to dropping them off on the doorsteps of my unsuspecting in-laws or anyone). Don’t worry people – I will pin $20 to the lining of their Jolly-Jumper for pizza and pop.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Likens Freezing Temperatures to Pain of Child Birth, Probably Is Wrong

Things that Have Irritated Me in the Last 16 Hours

2007-03-06T13:07:00.000-06:00

Things that Have Irritated Me in the Last 16 Hours

1) Being w/out a seat on a city bus going 65 mph down a highway. My enormous biceps can only hold me up so long. I thought I was going to fall right into the lap of a woman holding two boxes of Lamar’s donuts. My what a tasty fall it would have been.
2) Blustery-ass walk this morning. That weather man can kiss it – it sure didn't feel like a “warm up”. Based on his advice I barley dressed this morning.
3) MSNBC News for calling the potential damage from the early time change a “mini-Y2K”. Y2K was a mini Y2K!!. This would have to be something like a mini-mini Y2K. You know what will happen on March 11th when the time changes – not a damn thing. Our mysterious computers will fix themselves just like they always do.
4) Supervisor who thinks I can override a password and log onto to my coworkers computer (impossible and unethical I think).
5) Chicago Bear linebacker Lance Briggs talking about how he is a “victim” because he will only make $7 million next season. Someone should take two frying pan lids and box his ears. If I were the Bears I would tell him to just quit and go find some other profession that would pay him $7 million next year. Oh right, he is as dumb as a shoe horn, illiterate and filled with steroids – there are no other JOBS. I make $1.34 an hour and you don’t hear me complaining. Shut up and take your millions dumb terd.

Real Country Lyrics

Well, Up in the backwoods, down in the holler
old boy feeling like a dog on a colla
Keep that chain hold tight waiting on saturday night
Put on the smell good
Put on Skynyrd
Head into town like a NASCAR winner
cruisin back and forth to the tasty freeze
everywhere you look all you see is

Hillbilly Deluxe, Slick pick up Trucks
Big Timing in a small town
stirring it up right about sundown
Black Denim and Chrome to the bone
With a little homegrown Country Girl Cuddled Up
Hillbilly deluxe

Song: Hillbilly Deluxe
Artist(s): Brook & Dunn
Why It Makes Me Sick: Where to start, where to start? Somewhere in the country music handbook of song writing it clearly states that use of the term “tasty freeze” (redneck Dairy Queen) is strongly encouraged. We see this over and over again. Numerous songs have been written about country bumpkins piling in the pick-up and headin’ down to the tasty freeze. Apparently this is where they go to show off and strut around. What makes this song special is that these yokels are not content w/just one trip to the tasty freeze. Instead they just drive “back and forth” to the tasty freeze. I guess meaning they go get their initial treat, pile back in the pick-up, make it home and turn around and do the same thing over again. This my friends is one of the most retarded songs I have ever had the displeasure of reading. It is slowly oozing its way up the country charts. Stank-o-rama.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Thinks Poverty Tantamount to Slap in His Face

Unprepared for Work, Office Drone Arrives Filthy and Belligerent

2007-03-05T12:30:00.000-06:00

Weekend Wrap-up

1) Bought new shelf for garage junk – I know, snoozers.
2) Flew to Alaska to help friend ready dogs for Iditarod race.
3) Partied until the wee hours at sister-in-law’s birthday bash Friday night at Club Gilhooley’s
4) Became enraged at Kohl’s when an hour of searching failed to produce even one pair of pants that fit. I have freak show proportions I guess.
5) For my money Chili’s is still the best haught cuisine in America. My peppercorn veggie burger had spice that just wouldn’t quit
6) Welcomed newest member of house plant family purchased from Home Depot. It is no substitute for children and that’s for sure

New Bus Public Service Message

City buses can be a crowded and dirty place. The crowded I am okay with. Seeing people use public transportation warms my heart. It is the “dirty” I have a problem with. Now before you get on me – I know we all have a day or two or ten where we are too depressed to wash. That is perfectly normal. Here I am talking about the chronically dirty. These are people that are ripe with funk nearly everyday of the year. That is why I will be suggesting to the KC Transportation Authority a new public service campaign entitled “Think before You Stink”. My campaign proposal will suggest a three pronged (maybe four) message.

Prong 1 – Get people to determine if they stink (teeth count as well).
Prong 2 – Get people to think about what their stank does to fellow bus riders (make use of religious parables)
Prong 3 – Hand out samples of deodorants and coups for hygiene products (discourage use of perfumes – they only make it worse)
Prong 4 (optional) – Bring out the dogs. Use specially trained body odor dogs to terrify stinkers (lawsuits from dog bite victims potentially damaging?)

Political Tidbit

The next time VP Cheney has a heart attack or his big nasty heart gives out completely I would beg that he be taken to Walter Reid Hospital. If it is good enough for our soldiers than it should be good enough for Mr. Cheney. Come on man – next time that ambulance backs up to your office tell them it can only be Walter Reid for you. Be brave sir.

Letter to Ann Coulter

Oh my lord lady. What have you lowered yourself to this time? Is this the only way you can get any attention, calling Democratic presidential hopeful John Edwards a gay? You remind of me of some washed up Hollywood actress who tries to make it back in the spotlight by drunk driving her Mercedes or marrying a young fellow. On your book jacket at the Barnes and Noble it lists you as a leading conservative intellectual. I don’t think your comments qualify you for that. In fact, calling someone queer is the least intellectual thing one can do. In some ways your comments make me feel good. It seems as if this is your final flail for attention – the last desperate attempt to subside your dying relevance.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Wonders Openly What Happened to Connie Chung

Mail Bag Postponed

2007-03-02T13:17:00.000-06:00

It is true that we asked for your participation in a very special “Name that Kitty” contest. Than we said we didn’t need any of your help and there would be no cat. Perhaps this confused you. We simply did not receive our usual amount of mail this week. Normally our inbox is stuffed full with comments, death threats and wedding invitations. For those of you who did write in this week – I will include your comments next week (thanks!).

Since I had planned to fill this space today with responses to reader mail – I am at loss.

Weekend Agenda

1) Go into yard – begin studying why all water from the gutters drains directly into the foundation. Problem?
2) See if large bird nest attached to front of house is still active (thought I heard it squeaking yesterday)
3) One way or the other – get rid of fake X-Mas tree strewn about the basement
4) Call sister – ask for $50K grant to invest in salt mine
5) Drop storm door off at hardware store
6) Check the wife’s car because she drove it into a pot hole (not her fault)
7) Check my car because I drove it to work twice this week
8) Ask wife about getting me a new car (sulk about answer)

New Cubicle Coming My Way

I don’t mean to brag folks – but if I can stay employed for the next few weeks all my dreams will come true. I am getting my very own cubicle. I am going to have 3 walls and two overhead bins people. This is monumental, this is huge. For the past two years I have been sharing a small “screened in porch” type room with two other people. It has cramped my style eight ways from Sunday. I am hoping the new digs will help me to rededicate myself to the cause of indiscriminately moving papers from one side of my desk to the other.

That is about all we have time for today. Postings have been shorter than usual this week because the blog writer has not been at work so much. So when he has been here he has actually had to produce something to show his boss at his weekly "one-on-one". So my lunch time has been cut short.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Pours Milk in Wallet, Puts Change in Latte

Natural Disaster Ruins Office Drones Favorite Night of TV

2007-03-01T13:29:00.000-06:00

I realize now that natural disasters and weather related calamites do not check the TV listings before they strike. Last night was a perfect example of this. I had gone through the dreary late winter day w/only the carrot of a new episode of the CBS program Jericho waiting at the end. As I sat down to watch my program trouble began almost immediately. The local CBS weather lady commandeered the station. The main focus of her hyperactivity centered on the twisters ravaging the viewing area (parts of Kansas and Missouri). I began to FUME. Local CBS was the only station that had given up on broadcasting regular programming. American Idol and whatever shit NBC and ABC were broadcasting continued uninterrupted. All of the other stations had settled for a frantic ticker at the bottom of the screen. Three times during the hour long program local CBS did return to Jericho – but for only 3 to 5 minutes at a time. How dare they put public safety ahead of a lightly regarded show like Jericho?

This story has a happy ending (not for the victims). I was able to find the episode of Jericho I missed on the internet and will watch tonight.

My house did not get a tornado – but kudos to the hail storm that did pound it. That was quite a show for about 30 minutes. It was so loud I could not have heard the TV anyway. We thought our roof was going to get damaged. We went outside after it was over and picked up some of the pieces. They were about the size of pennies and hard as a rock, very impressive. Our street was a river of them. The wife ate one (but not one from the road).

Do I Look Like an Anarchist?

Waiting to see a doctor this morning and the receptionist is flipping through her paper. She starts talking to me about a new government spy program that will soon be listening to all communications between us average Americans. She said it reminded her of the book 1984 and how the whole thing is just terrible. I thought for a minute – what if I tell her my salary is actually paid by the Department Homeland Security and that me even hearing her say that could get both me and her sent away for life. Of course I did not say that (but only because it is not true). I guess the difference between her and I is that I always assume that the stranger I am talking to is a government official (I am not). Call me paranoid if you want, but I think it is just good business sense.

Mailbag Update

Don’t forget to get any last comments or questions in by tomorrow at noon.

Kansas City Man Thinks You’ve Put on a Little Weight, No One Will Even Notice

Dateline – Catchin’ Them a Perv

2007-02-28T13:10:00.000-06:00

I frequently highlight the shows that I get enamored with. I know I recently declared ABC’s Wife Swap as the best show you’re a huge idiot for not watching. But last night it got a competitor. NBC's Dateline has outdone themselves by making their once intermittent segment “To Catch a Predator” into full length hour shows. Genius! The show uses the internet to entice perverts. The pervs are lured to a secret Dateline location with an offer of hanky-panky from underage individuals. As soon as they arrive they are immediately confronted by the Dateline reporter and brutally arrested. The excuses these guys use are top drawer, with most of the men claiming they just wanted to “hangout” or "talk". Their online chatting transcripts reveal a much different story. The best part is when the Dateline reporter reads the perverts snippets of what they thought they were writing to a minor. He goes, he goes “so you are just here to talk, well does talking for you involve __ and __ and using a __ to __ a __?”

Search for House Painter Concludes w/Sigh

As I am calling around trying to find someone who wants to paint our house it occurred to me that 100 years ago I would have just known how to paint my own house and/or barn. Now I am at the mercy of the thieves and con artists who pass themselves off as house painters. I just spoke to one guy who used so much technical jargon I liked to have died. As in if I knew what he was talking about I would have the knowledge and skill to paint my own house. Don’t talk to me about the thickness of your paint of choice or what you do to nail heads and holes. I ain’t familiar with all that. Just give me the quote. He did - $3K. Gulp!

Country Song Lyrics from Yesterday

My wife tells me that the song I highlighted in our country music lyrics segment was quite a downer (depressing). The song is apparently about child abuse, a subject that country music has traditionally shied away from. I mistakenly thought the song was about some kind of “bruising disease” and the little girl died of a medical condition. "Alyssa" apparently died of a beating. Sorry for that whole thing.

Update on Cat Naming Contest

The “Name That Kitty” contest advertised in the Monday edition of DFF has been suspended. Thank you so much to all of you who wrote in w/your votes and recommendations. They were of no use.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Saddened to Find Grandmother Died Flat Broke

Nouveau Poor vs. Old Poor

2007-02-27T13:03:00.000-06:00

In the 1990’s thousands of people acquired vast fortunes almost overnight. These individuals, once counted among the middle-class, made millions in the booming stock market. But tensions soon rose between this class of newly rich or “nouveau riche” and the old money families who had acquired and guarded their wealth for generations. Old rich criticized the new rich for being gaudy and flaunting their wealth all over the town. New rich responded by sulking and buying more goodies to heal their pain. New rich desperately wanted to prove they possessed the sophistication and refinement to be a legitimate part of the "millionaires club".

Today a much different tale is being woven on the last rungs of the economic ladder. As the bottom of the manufacturing economy has fallen out millions of Americans have joined the growing ranks of the so called “new poor”. Not surprisingly tensions have arisen between this new group of poor and the old group of poor.

In order to learn more about this trend DFF sat down with Dr. Vivica Holdclaws, of the Kansas University Institute of Suburban Studies.

Deep Fat Fryer (DFF): Viv, thanks for coming down to talk with us today.

Dr. Vivica Holdclaws (DVH): Oh please, call me Dr. Holdclaws.

DFF: Dr Holdclaws, excuse me.

DVH: (awkward silence)

DFF: (awkward silence)

DVH: Did you have some specific questions you wanted to ask me?

DFF: Sorry, yes we are doing a feature story about the assimilation of new poor into neighborhoods with already well established poor.

DVH: Frankly the trends are startling. All over America once middleclass people are falling into poverty. Upon reaching the bottom they are being met with increasing hostility from families well established in the ways of poverty. We are talking about families that became poor literally yesterday moving in next door to families that have been poor for generations. This is creating a host of problems for both parties.

DFF: What are some of the problems you think have arisen?

DVH: Issues range from an increase in wait times for domestic violence calls, pressure on already strapped social services, and. I am sorry what is that ruckus?

DFF: Shit, hold on a minute Viv. Hey you guys, shut the *%$ up. I got an interview in here.

DVH: Call me Dr. Holdclaws and I won’t remind you again.

DFF: Sorry, sorry. Jesus.

DVH: Mr. Fryer this interview is over. I have never been so disgusted in my life.

DFF: What, what happened? Don’t go.

DVH: I have never seen anything as unprofessional as this operation. You are an idiot. I sat in gum in your lobby. Your receptionist is a blowup doll. Your assistant offered me schnapps he was drinking from a paper bag. And now there are people outside your office in fisticuffs. Good day.

Real Life Country Lyrics

My little girl met a new friend, just the other day, on the playground at school between the tires and the swings

But she came home with tear-filled eyes, and she said to me "Daddy, Alyssa lies"

Well I just brushed it off at first, 'cause I didn't know how much my little girl had been hurt o'er the things she had seen. I wasn't ready when I said "You can tell me" and she said...

"Alyssa lies to the classroom, Alyssa lies everyday at school, Alyssa lies to the teachers as she tries to cover every bruise"

My little girl laid her head down that night to go to sleep. As I stepped out the room, I heard her say a prayer so soft and sweet "God bless my mom and my Dad and my new friend, Alyssa I know she needs you bad

Song: Alyssa Lies
Artist: Jason Michael Carroll
Why it makes me sick: This song has been bothering me for weeks. It has been festering and itchin’ at me. Could someone please tell me what in the hell this song is about? Anyone know what Alyssa was lying about? Also, Alyssa is killed off by the end of the song and I don’t know why/how she died. Nothing makes me feel stupider than not understanding a country song.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Blubbers, Sobs as Distant Cousin Laid to Rest

Gender Apocalypse

2007-02-26T13:29:00.000-06:00

My sister-in-law and her fiancée will soon be honeymooning at a hotel with a spa. My wife and I were reviewing the list of spa treatments available to them (should they choose). Along w/the usual list of massages and facials we stumbled across a list of “gentlemen services”. Notable on the list were a nail service, waxing (most parts) and pedicures. But the worst of all was a service for men listed as “back facial”. I was immediately horrified and had to find out more. I learned that basically they take a man and smooth his back with a power washer. This removes all his old pimples and his back filth ($70). My god the horror, the horror. I will lose my lunch right now. I always thought us men we were expected to be kind of hairy and nasty (like big dumb wild animals). This new demand for smoothness has gone too far. At least we won’t be embarrassed when it comes time to shimmy into our backless evening gowns. Christ.

What has happened to us guys? Things have gone haywire. I got a little gender bending going down at my own house. Last night while my wife researched a complicated financial matter on the internet I:

1) did the dishes
2) mopped the kitchen floor
3) vacuumed the house
4) folded laundry
5) thumbed through the Sunday coups

Easy Bus Rider, Easy

I ride a super lame commuter bus to and from work. Nothing much interesting happens, ever. When I got on the bus Friday to go home there was a recently released prisoner (as in that afternoon) sitting in the back of the bus cursing loudly. I know she was a recently released prisoner because she kept telling everyone that, and also calling the bus driver a mother $%^. She was indeed carrying a prison goody bag with her name written on it. She was apparently on her way to stay with a friend in my town. She was not sure what stop to get off at and her coping mechanism was to yell at us. I thought for a minute what I would do if she started stabbing those around her. I didn’t come up with anything special.

Oscar Show Was Good

I did watch the entire Oscar awards program last night. My favorite part of the show is when they play the clips of all the celebrities who have died this past year. I call this “dead roll call”. I like not knowing who is going to show up on it. I sit there and go “I didn’t know she died” and “I didn’t know he died” and “how did I miss her death” and “how could they die”. It is the highlight of the evening, nay, year for me.

Name That Kitty Contest

My wife and I will shortly be welcoming a new addition to our family. We are very excited (not my wife). This cat represents a big turning point for us. I think it could possibly prepare us for maybe thinking about being parents one day. We just need to go to the pound and pick out the little four pound bundle of hair and nails. This cat will be a female. My last cat was a boy and just pissed all over everything (including my pillow one dark night). Join in the fun and help name this cat. I have narrowed it down to four names below. Vote for your favorite name by this Friday at 11am. We will reveal the name with the most votes in a special edition Friday Mail Bag. You can leave your vote in the comments section or cast your vote anonymously by emailing adam2840@yahoo.com. You can only vote once. Good luck!

a) Becky
b) Carol
c) Dorothy
d) LaJavonia

Kansas City Man Keeps Self-Hatred Super Casual

Mail Bag

2007-02-23T12:33:00.000-06:00

Today’s mailbag is meaty folks…hang on to your hats because we got a lot of ground to cover.

Chrisi from (city withheld) writes…

Here is a weight loss tip for your fans. If you are looking for a site to track your eating and exercise habits as well as um, giving you exercises and other um, weightlossy type things to do then check out www.sparkpeople.com.

Hello Chrisi. We did a little quality control and checked out the link you sent us. Nice try, but I am afraid I can’t recommend it. The website seems to advocate the type of healthy lifestyle / balanced approach that has just never worked for us. We here at DFF are prone to extremes and for us starvation is the only key to weight loss. Thanks for writing in though.

Cathi from New York writes (on the post from 2/21)…

Well that post inspires me to wonder many things. The first one is what are you smoking at DFF? And why aren't you sharing it?

Hi Cathi, your question regarding our drug preference is a good one. Unfortunately these posts are NOT the product of chemical dependency. They are instead the product of raging boredom. The sad fact is that DFF is a drug free workplace. We work hard to keep it that way. I have confiscated more Sharpie markers and glue sticks than you would care to imagine. I guess that answers the sharing question as well. Thanks for taking the time to write.

Tandy from North Carolina writes…
My husband, and I won't mention any names, came home in utter despair this evening. He was so disappointed that you didn't respond to his mail! Sorry DFF, but if you can assist in any way, said husband would be much happier.

We are DFF are truly sorry for the oversight last week. We recently outsourced our mailroom function and the results were disastrous. It turns out the company we outsourced it too wasn’t really a company at all, but a homeless WWI veteran. Needless to say we will be bringing it back “in-house” – and leaving the homeless guy on the street. Anyway, most of the mail last week was burned to a crisp or thrown at passersby. Your husband will be receiving both the limited edition DFF fleece pullover (one size fits all) and a pocket knife commemorating the blog writer’s ascent into manhood. Hope this heals all wounds.

Ryan from (city withheld) writes…

Thank you for all of the time you put into writing your blog. Reading it ranks a close third on my list of favorite things to do at work right behind eat lunch and clock out. I have only two requests 1) keep up the good work 2) would it be possible to post your blog in the morning? I am normally bored with my job by 8:03 and need something to keep my mind off of my dead end job.

Ryan, I appreciate your appreciation for the time that goes into each carefully constructed blog post. I also cast a knowing glance at both your boredom and your dead end job. May I suggest starting a blog? Before starting the DFF I was out on the ledge every morning by 8:15. We do like to honor reader requests (at least until readership is out of the single digits) – but I am afraid the posting time will have to remain closer to 12:30pm. We are in talks with a company out of Morgantown, West Virginia to create a line of DFF themed desk items (calendars, screwdrivers, lunchpales, lap blankets, dry erase boards, picture frames, clock radios and coffee mugs). That may help some. Thanks for writing in.

Shannon from Kansas writes…

I was reading DFF and noticed that you were possibly interested in a decorator, but didn’t have the money to afford one. If you were serious, my mom used one that was fresh out of college and very cheap since she was just starting out.

Hi Shannon, thanks for writing in. The offer is tempting – but my wife and I have already paid one decorator and the results were not good at all. We decided that our mistake was straying to far from the color of beige. Our home needs to be beige! It is a mistake that will not soon be repeated. I may however keep your reference in mind for upcoming renovations of the DFF World Headquarters. Things haven’t been the same since our accountant Trish went ape shit last November (now former accountant).

Michael from North Carolina writes…

Are all your coworker’s big fans of the Deep Fat Fryer? It seems like they would all love their increased web presence.

Hello Michael and nice to hear from you. You pose an interesting question. As of press time my coworkers remain unaware of this blog. You may have noticed that over the last couple of weeks all specific references to my employment have been removed and the topic of my work seems to have vanished all together (accept the occasional mention of my Monday doldrums). This is no accident. DFF made a policy change in shifting the focus away from the blog writer’s place of business. References to specific coworkers and/or supervisors are now forbidden. Thanks for writing in (and keep watching your mailbox).

Nancee from Missouri wrote…

Thinking of DFF when I read this headline in the Star: "Web surfers beware: the boss is watching." I guess some companies are denying their employees access to all web sites unless it is work-related. Even on their lunch hour(s). That is harsh! Also...any thoughts about this year's American Idol? We're starting to separate the wheat from the chaff.

Hi Nancee, I have heard that many companies are “cracking down” on employee web privileges. We here at DFF have instituted our own sort of zero tolerance, first strike and your out policy in regards to employees caught nosing around on websites not pertaining to research for DFF projects. As for American Idol, I am not watching this year until the field is cut to 12 contestants. I will say however that from what I have seen of Paula Abdul this season – she is one plastic surgery away from turning into a complete Muppet. She is definitely dancing on the thin line between human and Muppet. Also, your use of the phrase “separate the wheat from the chaff” was inspirational.

My wife writes (on the post from 2/21)…

Good blog pumpkin. Favorite line “Oversized furniture is so in right now you guys”. Awesome.

Well hello and nice to hear from you. Glad you got a chuckle out of our “oversized furniture” line. It took us all night – but we thought that line was the crown jewel of that post too. See you at home for corn chowder!

Well that concludes another episode of Mailbag, as well as another week here in Deep Fat Fryer land. Thanks to everyone who wrote in and thanks to everyone who frequents this website. You are all my babies.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Rejuvenated After Week Doing Nothing at Work

Enough Already! Bring Clinton/Obama Together for Their Certain Defeat

2007-02-22T12:31:00.000-06:00

I am really getting hacked about the squabbling b/w Hillary Clinton and Barrack Obama. Isn’t it a bit early for this? Aren’t we still almost two years away from the election? These two are going to tear each other apart before the first primary. The potential here is that they could make themselves so unlikable that the door swings open just wide enough for John Kerry to come oozing on through. I can’t watch another Kerry campaign, I can’t and I won’t. Clinton and Obama need to play nice, at least for now.

If I were Democratic National Chairperson Howard Dean I would get Clinton and Obama in a conference room together ASAP. I would make available Dasani bottled water and fresh baked chocolate chip cookies. I would start by having them reintroduce themselves to each other (Hi, I’m Hillary - Hi, I’m Barrack). I would have them sit in chairs across from each other (so they could look into each other eyes). I would make them say all the filthy and hateful things they have been saying about each other – right into the other persons mug. I would stand at the dry erase board and write down what they were saying. The three of us would then go over each of the comments in detail. I think this would pretty much take care of the problem(s). I would end the session by declaring both of them the next President of the United States of America. They would think that was weird – but thank me for intervening. After I was sure they were gone I would take the remaining cookies and stuff them in my satchel.

Advice for the New Widows (sorry for your loss)

So you think you are ready to start dating again? Not so fast. Don’t even think about heading out to those martini bars and juke joints yet. We need to talk. The dating world has changed since you and your “Harold” or “Dick” was courting all those years ago. Ladies, the competition for available older gentlemen has gotten fierce (especially for bigger gals).

The first thing we need you to do is a little “self-inventory”. By completing this exercise you will identify what your potential strengths and weakness will be in the dating world.

What you will need: full length mirror, chair, pen, sheet of paper
How to do it: Sit in front of the mirror. With your pencil, draw a line down the center of your paper. On one side of your paper you will list all of the positive things about yourself. Include any desirable physical qualities, personal characteristics, particularly strong senses, etc. On the other side of the paper you will list all your negative qualities (draw a frowny face near the top of the column if that helps you).

Here is my personal example:

Positives: muscles, sense of humor, strong hearing, compassionate
Negatives: poor vision, no work ethic, chicken legs, extremely defensive, no athleticism

That is just my example. Your own list can be as long as is necessary. Really think about your negative traits. Think about them good and hard. As you head into the dating world it is important to acknowledge what it is other people likely already recognize about you. By being honest w/yourself you can do a better job of mitigating those faults. Example – I was able to not act extremely defensive about my chicken legs until after my wedding day.

Next you will want to create a list of the attributes that you are looking for in a partner. You can’t start dating until you know what you are looking for!! You should again create two separate columns. In one column you should list the things you absolutely can’t live w/out in a companion. In the other column list the things you would like in a partner, but are not necessarily what we would call “deal breakers”.

Here is an example:

Characteristics I must have: rich, loaded, big money, cash-cow, pay day
Characteristics that would be nice – but I can live without: healthiness, niceness

Use those characteristics as guide to evaluate all potential suitors. If, as in our example, it is money you are after – find a clever way of inquiring if the old coot is sitting on a fortune.

That is enough for today. You have no doubt created two excellent lists. Fold up your lists and place them in the top drawer of your deceased husband’s nightstand. Maybe you check back here next week and we’ll pick this up exercise up again, until then NO dating.

Quote of the Week I
“Now I feel stupid”
…this from a Wisconsin man arrested after kicking in the door to a neighbor’s apartment. The man had mistaken the sounds of an adult film feature for an actual sexual assault. He was arrested and is being charged with many things.

Quote of the Week II
“I had the sword extended, but that was all”
…again from the Wisconsin man who broke his neighbor’s door down, this time on charges that he threatened his neighbor with a sword upon bursting into his apartment.

Random News
The most exciting thing in the world happened to me. My family actually had a jar of that tainted ass peanut butter. We had nearly eaten the whole jar when the recall came out. I have never been on the receiving end of a recall. It was every bit as exciting as I thought it would be. I ate that pb for lunch every day for three weeks. I could have died.

Oh, get your comments or questions in today if you wish to be included in a special edition Friday Mail Bag. You can drop us a line at adam2840@yahoo.com.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Knows His Pants Are Too Short, Move it Along Now

Come for the Funny, Stay for the Inspiration

2007-02-21T12:30:00.000-06:00

As I searched for something to write about today it hit me like a ton of bricks. I knew what I had to do. I should be more of an inspiration (like Oprah). Now I am no media mogul. I have no vast empire of fans. I have no legion of workers catering to my every whim. All this is clear. But what I do have is the ability to rip off the very lucrative ideas of others (like Oprah). So today will be “inspiration day” here on the Deep Fat Fryer (DFF). Today I will dedicate myself to improving your life – the Oprah way. We will need a slogan. Oprah uses “Live Your Best Life”. That is a good one. Let’s go with “Be the Best at Living Your Life”. Okay, get ready to be inspired. Here we go.

Get Inspired By Decorating
We wanted to pull out all the stops today and hire us a real “Lifestyle Expert” (i.e. decorator). Oprah uses Nate Berkus in this role. He wouldn’t return our phone calls. But we were able to track down his college roommate Theodore Mankins. Theodore was wholly unhelpful. He is apparently some sort of financial advisor. He hasn’t spoken with Nate in years. He also had no advice on how to turn your dilapidated back porch into a neighborhood hot spot. With both Nate and his former roommate no longer an option we were left to rummage through the phone book. To be frank we simply could not afford anyone. But the DFF staff did pull on all-nighter to come up with the following two pieces of decorating advice:

1) Let your accessories tell the story of you.
2) Oversized furniture is so in right now you guys.

Book Club – Book of the Month
This is a tough one. We simply couldn’t find anyone on the DFF staff who has read much of anything. We did find one guy who just completed the self-titled autobiography of adult film star Samantha Smokin. He tells us that most of the book centers on Smokin’s down and out childhood in storm ravaged Tupelo, Mississippi (peppered with accusations against former NBC News anchor Tom Brokaw). So our first book of the month is Samantha Smokin: Against a Rising Tide and also Tom Brokaw. Go ahead and read that and tell us what you think.

Our Favorite Things
Those of you familiar with the Oprah television program are well aware that Oprah frequently uses her bully pulpit to share with us many of the products that bring her temporary joy. Oprah calls this segment “My Favorite Things”. Companies covet a spot in this showcase. Oprah also hands out these products to the members of her studio audience. Well you are not getting anything. But here are a few of DFF’s favorite things anyway.
1) Morning Star Vegetarian Bacon
2) Nike Running Shoes
3) Corn Chowder
4) Coffee
5) Cheerios

Weight Loss
A frequent theme of Oprah’s show is how to get her minions to slim down a bit. We at DFF are in a bad place ourselves and just have no advice for you on this.

Faith
Oprah frequently lists her faith as the reason for all of her good work in life. We really can’t help you here either. The premature death of Anna Nicole Smith has left much of our staff in a tailspin (why god, why?).

Philanthropy
Oprah makes it a regular part of her show to highlight her philanthropic work. Well DFF is broke people. We ain’t giving nothing to nobody. The next charity who calls our office will get a whistle in their ear hole.

Wrapping It Up
Well I hope you have enjoyed all of this inspiration. We have certainly enjoyed bringing it to you. It is my hope that you will go out and be inspired in your life and “be the best at living your life”. You can’t all be as good as Oprah. But you can definitely be better than me.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Wins Pie Eating Contest, Not So Proud After All

Three Day Weekend Over, Office Drone Plunges Back Into Abyss

2007-02-20T12:42:00.000-06:00

Well my three day weekend is over. I am back at work and snuggled up with my monitor and work coffee cup. The depression has not been nearly as bad as I thought it would be. I have cheered myself up by remembering that I do get paid to be here everyday.

I am also cheered up because the weather has taken a turn for the better. I was able to stand in the driveway yesterday and wash the cars w/out sustaining frostbite or wiping out on ice.

TV Show Recommendation

If you are not watching the ABC show “Wife Swap” you are making a HUGE mistake. What a guilty little pleasure that is. Last nights episode was just genius. The swapped an urban California mom with an Iowa farmer mom. The sparks flew in both households as the two worlds collided. It is really top drawer drama.

New Light Fixture in Dining Room Installed

My mission to replace all 36 of our new home’s gold fixtures continues. This weekend we replaced the gold clad candle-monster chandelier in our dining room. The project took me three times as long as the box said it would. What the box didn’t say is that you need three hands. You need one set to do the wiring and an additional hand to hold up the fixture. I also think the new fixture came with several additional and seemingly unnecessary “wires”. When I left for work this morning the dining room was not on fire.

Oh, the ugly dining room paint is not going anywhere. My mother-in-law said it looks fine and we have nothing to be ashamed of. The coral paint stays!!

Movie Pick: Little Miss Sunshine

If you haven’t seen it yet, tell your boss you have a hernia and get over to a Blockbuster or Hollywood video. It is an awesome flick about a family taking a road trip to enter the little girl into a beauty contest. What an epic ride this family takes. Here is a movie that actually lives up to all the hype I just gave it.

Real Life Country Music Lyrics

I see her layin' by the poolside every day
She ain't got a lot on
She ain't got a lot to say

She wouldn't look my way
But buddy, what do you expect
I'm just the fix-it-up boy at the apartment complex

And she'll go out dancin' 'bout seven-fifteen
Climb into the back of a long limosine
I know where she's goin'
She's goin' downtown
I'm goin' downtown too, and take a look around

Song: High Maintenance Woman
Artist: Toby Keith
Why it makes me sick: Who writes this trash? I don’t even know where to begin with this one. The whole song seems to be about finding a way to fit a “high maintenance woman” together with an actual maintenance man. Well that is just dang clever. Not only is it retarded - but Keith actually scores extra here for the creepy feel of the whole song. Why is he following her? Ladies don't like that at all. I would also point out the unlikeness that someone living in an apartment would be taking a limo to a dance hall. Not everyone who lives in apartments is rich.

Mail Bag Update

The DFF offices were closed on Monday. Mail Bag Wednesday will be pushed back to Friday this week. Please submit any comments or questions by Thursday at midnight. You can also email them directly to adam2840@yahoo.com.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Searches for Truth, Falls Asleep Watching Oprah

Visions of Three Day Weekend Dance in Head of Office Flunky

2007-02-16T12:27:00.000-06:00

It is the day every beaten down office drone dreams of – the dawn of a three day weekend. Monday is President’s Day! I will celebrate with a much needed and much deserved day of leisure.

U.S. Presidents of My Lifetime (Listed Chronologically)

1) Jimmy Carter – I spent much of his Presidency just trying to get my enormous baby body to walk. I have no memories of his term.
2) Ronald Reagan – I was told as soon as I could listen that I should be grateful to President Reagan. My mom insisted that he had restored American dignity after the hostage crisis in Iran. She said he had given us our swagger back and made us all feel good about being American again. I bought that and felt superior to the Russians as a toddler.
3) George Bush I – Here is where I learned a President could be mocked. It seemed every other week this old man was doing something that got him ridiculed by Dana Carvey. I also developed my own Bush impersonation – which I remember using to impress my 4th grade crush, Melinda.
4) William Jefferson Clinton – I cast my first vote in 1996 for this man. He rewarded my vote by being impeached. Clinton taught me that politicians can be both great and hugely disappointing.
5) George Bush II – First I was angry over Bush winning “Bush v. Gore”. I also voted in Florida in that election and I don’t know if I punched properly or not. Then I was not mad for a while after 9/11 because that seemed like it could get me hurt. I wore a tiny American flag on my shirt and spoke out against terrors. Then I got mad again. I am still mad.
6) Rudolph Giuliani – I am hitching my wagon to Mr. Giuliani. He is TOUGH on crime – but soft on liberals.

Snowstorm Causes Airplane Hysteria

I was saddened this week by the stories of Jet Blue passengers stuck on runways in New York City for hours. I was not saddened that this happened. There are no guarantees in air travel. Both your life and your time are up for grabs. I was saddened by the media’s portrayal of these passengers as “victims”. Being locked in a temperature controlled airplane for a few hours does not qualify you as the victim of the century. The passengers were compensated with full refunds and free roundtrip airfare.

I even heard calls this week for some kind of passenger bill of rights. These would be government regulations that would guarantee passengers certain treatment by the airlines. As a former airline worker I think that is ridiculous, just ludicrous. Let’s get real people. You have to face the fact that when you are in an airport you have NO control. It doesn’t matter how loud you scream, or how many of your family members are dead and dying. You don’t control when you go anywhere. If you don’t like it – drive. Air travel isn’t the “build-a-burger” menu at Chili’s. You don’t get to decide anything. Inconvenience is a fact of life. How about being grateful that you don’t have to sit behind an oxen ass for 4 months to get to San Francisco?

Weekend Agenda

1) If temperatures above freezing – use garden hose to spray down salt encapsulated cars
2) Visit Starbucks twice (stay away from dessert case – is all stale)
3) Try putting pecans in homemade waffles, eat ‘em gone
4) Wife and I try to figure out what in hell to do with pink dining room
5) Convince wife of unimportance of caulking shower (strictly cosmetic)

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Resents Criticism of Transfats

Misunderstanding w/Interior Decorator Leads to Pepto-Bismol Colored Dining Room

2007-02-15T12:01:00.000-06:00

Our house is in tumult. The painting of our dining room has gone horribly wrong. My wife and I got a bad tip from a decorator lady (hired specifically so we could avoid a hot pink dining room). The room is horrifying and needs to be torn down and never spoken of again. It is literally painful on the eyes. The room is so bright it actually glows in the dark.

Congressman Charged

A former Republican Pennsylvania congressman was accused Wednesday of exposing himself to two women at a Florida beach resort. Joseph M. McDade, 75, was issued a summons on a charge of exposure of sexual organs, a misdemeanor that carries up to a year in jail and a $1,000 fine.

Here is the phone conversation that I imagine took place between McDade and his son:

Son: Dad, this is your son.
Rep. McDade (RM): Hi son, well you have probably heard by now that I am being charged with exposing myself.
Son: Yeah dad, it’s all over the news.
RM: The media is twisting this whole thing around and turning it into something it is not. It was a perfectly innocent…
Son: Jesus dad! Did you flash your junk at those girls?!!
RM: Yes.

Top 10 Signs of You Have Seasonal Depression

This is the time of year when many of us in dreary winter climates succumb to those seasonal doldrums. Short days and lack of sunlight leave us homebound and spiraling downward. In a recent “Deep Fat Fryer” survey nearly 98% of those polled admitted to experiencing some kind of seasonal malaise. Here are the warning signs that you or a loved are on the verge of suicide.

10) No longer taking pleasure in activities that used to seem interesting or erotic
9) A workday that is seemingly endless and unrewarding
8) Snapping and picking fights with your spouse and/or your bus driver
7) Extreme thirstiness followed by overproduction of saliva
6) Sudden weight gain caused by overeating
5) Sudden weight loss caused by under-eating
4) No longer being able to stand the sight of your children or pets
3) Loud weeping, followed by eerie silence and then crying some more
2) Becoming forgetful (leaving the stove on, driving off w/out paying for gas, etc.)
1) Overspending on bedroom how-to guides

Funny Bush Quote

Bush’s response to reporter’s question about being frustrated with the progress of the war in Iraq…

THE PRESIDENT: Frustrated? Sometimes I'm frustrated. Rarely surprised. Sometimes I'm happy. This is -- but war is not a time of joy. These aren't joyous times. These are challenging times, and they're difficult times, and they're straining the psyche of our country. I understand that. You know, nobody likes to see innocent people die. Nobody wants to turn on their TV on a daily basis and see havoc wrought by terrorists. And our question is, do we have the capacity and the desire to spread peace by confronting these terrorists, and supporting those who want to live in liberty? That's the question. And my answer to that question is, we must. We owe it to future generations to do so.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Passed Up for Promotion, Too Lazy to Find Out Why

Mail Bag

2007-02-14T12:29:00.000-06:00

Cathi from New York wrote…

Funny you should mention your Wal-Mart boycott. Recently, I high-tailed it out of a snooty Target and back to my roots at Wal-Mart. Target is on my bad list right now due to a stalking incident involving a power hungry Target worker, me, and four kids.

Hi Cathi, it is good to hear from you. So it seems like we are all scampering back to the Wal-Mart. Target HAS gotten a little snooty. Not to mention that their foray into home décor is robbing Pier One of market share. Well I hope your Wal-Mart is nicer than the one I have begun frequenting. The whole place has a bad vibe. The checkout area looks like the line for the gates of hell. I have never seen such a bunch of sourpusses. Good luck with your boycott. Stay strong sister!

Heather from New York wrote…

Keep up the good work. With 2 little kids at home I need a break from my reality sometimes. I also hate Wal-Mart as we all know but you gotta do what you gotta do when you are cheap and/or poor.

Thanks for writing! We are always happy to welcome a new reader. Start watching your mailbox for a signed copy of my latest tell-all book Grease Splatter. Yes having two small children at home must be tough. We are always happy to help someone break from his/her reality for a short while. As for Wal-Mart, I myself have begun to search for humor there. On Sunday I had a cashier confess to me that she no longer felt like a “real person” and that my choosing her line over the self-checkout kiosk was meaningless.

Tandy from North Carolina wrote…

We would like a clarification. Did your wife think she would slip on the kitty litter or the original leak? This has been perplexing us all weekend.

Also, are you still repulsed by Phillip Seymour Hoffman? We saw a movie with him over the weekend in which he looked especially sausagey.

Hello Tandy, thanks for writing. The post about my wife slipping in the garage seems to have caused all sorts of confusion. My wife thought she would slip on both the original leak and on the now super slick kitty litter. Though I have never actually seen or heard of her falling – her fear is quite palpable.

Phillip Seymour Hoffman is the worst actor of our time and yes I am still repulsed by that gremlin. I am confounded as to how this man continues to be cast in the role of a human.

Ryan (city withheld) wrote…

Deep Fat Fryer, what effect will Anna Nicole Smiths death play on the 2008 presidential election race, war in Iraq, national debt, health care, and global warming?

Good question Ryan. The untimely passing of starlet Anna Nicole Smith will likely have lasting effects on our country. In the coming months the war in Iraq will take a backseat, while the custody battle for Smith’s baby takes shape. This could divide our fractured nation even further. The 2008 presidential candidates will be forced to choose between Howard K. Stern, Larry Birkhead or Frederic von Anhalt (all of whom are claiming to be the father of baby Dannielynn). Anna Nicole’s death could also reinvigorate the debate over some kind of national healthcare system for former Playboy centerfolds. It is thought that Smith went without treatment for a host of aliments. Smith’s death may also revive the flickering “green movement”. Smith was a recent convert to renewable energy in her car and home, she could become the dead face of anti global warming activism.

Nancee from Missouri wrote…

So, I bet you were actually looking forward to going to work on Monday morning, if only to get away from wallpaper!

Hi Nancee, yes work did offer a brief respite from the horrors of wallpaper removal. But “looking forward to going to work” might be a bit of a stretch. Deep Fat Fryer can’t remember a time when that has ever happened.

My wife wrote…

The title of your post on 2/12 was spelled incorrectly. You confused “fury” and “furry”. A bunny has a “furry” coat. A person would have “fury” at someone or something.

Hey Honey. Thanks for pointing that out. I have made that very necessary correction.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Completes Debut Novel, Spicy Ending Leaves Wife Up in Arms

Bad Weather Puts Deep Fat Fryer On Ice

2007-02-13T14:01:00.000-06:00

The weather has gone foul once again. I actually did attempt to go to work today. I got as far as a ½ mile from my house and turned around. My car is not one for the snow and ice. The car only weights about 200 pounds. So my day is now being spent painting the rest of our dining room and grazing on kitchen bounty. So far today I have eaten: a taco, two cookies, a slice of pizza and two cup of coffee. Future plans for snacks include: more coffee and a bowl of cereal.

I am really enjoying being home today. As I painted I listened to an episode of the television program “The View”. I have been VERY critical of Rosie O’Donnell for her lack of femininity. My wife boils at any criticism of this woman. In listening to “The View” today I realized that I am completely justified in any and all criticism (both of O’Donnell and The View). Today the panel of ladies amused themselves by reducing famous actor John Stamos to a mere sex symbol. I am not sure of the name, but one of those women kept screaming at Stamos to remove his shirt. The whole show had the feel of a sleazy bachelorette party, with O’Donnell acting as boorish ringmaster.

Reminder

Valentine’s Day is tomorrow! This year you can surprise your lover by sending them the gift that keeps on a givin'. Let them know you are thinking about them by forwarding the link to the "Deep Fat Fryer", give them the gift of maybe mild amusement.

Real Country Music Lyrics

We laugh and hang it over her head
Right above her halo
Her face turns red when we bring up
That tie-dyed Winnebago
She runs and hides and still denies
That hip high rose tattoo
She burned that box of forget-me-nots
When she found out we knew
About Mama, ‘fore she was Mama
In a string bikini, in Tijuana
Won’t admit she smoked marijuana
But that was Mama, ‘fore she was Mama

Song: ‘Fore She Was Mama
Artist: Clay Walker
Why it makes me sick: This song tells the tale of two young boys who discover some lewd pics of their mother taken during her “wild years”. These are years that this mama spent doing dope, getting tattooed and having naughty photos taken of herself. Her sons apparently use these photos as some sort of blackmail tool. Sweet damn song.

Next Posting: Kansas City Man Dumps Black Turtleneck, Dandruff No Longer Manageable